#when he HAS discouraged me from our culture it's mostly been bc he thinks the political situation is hopeless

[palestinenatural]

just complaining keep scrolling but. love when my mom turns around and invalidates my entire cultural heritage thank you mama I also love colonialism and assimilation

[domreaderrecs]

Oh boy do I have some kink discourse for you. Here’s a wholeass list:

1. A female dominant does not need to be a sadist who is always torturing and abusing their sub. They can be soft and kind and caring.

2. Findom is a valid form of domination and is really a kink, it is not just women faking it to get money.

3. Online domination is possible, although there are more risks involved, it is still a valid form of domination.

4. Submissive black men are allowed to refuse to be called slave and their dom shouldnt be annoyed they can’t used their preferred honorific.

5. Kink and fetishes can be incorporated without the use of the power dynamic found in BDSM.

6. BDSM is still BDSM if the rope is pink and the outfit is white lace instead of red and leather.

7. It should be standard practice for there to be a safe word that means everything is fine so that the Dom can check in on the sub easily without breaking the scene.

8. It is only BDSM when both parties have discussed before hand, otherwise it’s sexual assault (yes that includes Chad who brought out the rope without warning and now Bethany is just going along because she likes him)

9. BDSM has always and will always be driven by the LGBT community.

10. Under 18 year olds do not have a place in the BDSM community. If they wish to learn, then they should do so by finding articles and books, not by asking people involved in the scene.

Yeah that’s about it for now. I’m realizing you probably didn’t want this much but oh well. We’re here now. Let me know what you think!

whewww so much to unpack here lets go its essay time

1. !!!! this is probably one of the most fundamentally misunderstood parts of femdom. it don’t gotta be ball crushing and whipping and calling him a worm all the time, or even at all. this is probably what turns so many women off from trying it or thinking they might be into a more dominant role. gentle femdom is way more palatable for beginners and for me personally, just way more enjoyable (even tho i definitely would wanna make a boy cry from time to time)

2. I used to be one of those people who looked down on findom. I still don’t understand why anyone would be into it tbh but findoms get a lot of shit for no reason... being a sugar baby is so glamorized but if you’re a findom you’re cold, or a bitch, or taking advantage. even though they’re both just people who get money from men who have money to throw at them for sexual favors... but one’s demonized and one’s all the rage... hm i wonder why

3. I have no real/successful experience with this... more on that in number 10

4. 100000%!! the stories i’ve seen from black subs in kink (mostly black women but still) are horrendous. a lot of doms will try to enforce a master/slave relationship, and try to exercise their authority to make subs agree to it. i know it’s a common dynamic, but that shit is wayyyy different to black people... any dom should know that. forcing your sub to do anything is wrong, but especially something so racially, historically, and culturally insensitive. and don’t get me started on the surprise “race play” stories i’ve heard... like i said doing anything without your sub’s consent is wrong but THAT kind of thing requires double consent with a cherry on top. this is part of the reason I’m so scared to enter the kink scene... this shit scares me. thats why the title mistress and master/slave dynamics in general just isn’t for me. it makes me think of my ancestors :/

5. again, 1000% agree. i’ve said this on my blog before, but i’ll say it again. not everything has to be dom/sub stuff. if you wanna peg your bf you don’t have to tie him up and call him names or boss him around, you can just peg him. i feel like ever since FSOG this whole dom/sub thing has grown way out of proportion, but that’s a whole other essay for another day

6. yessss I hate the stereotype of dom outfits as black, latex, leather, way too high to walk in boots... like does it look fire?? yes of course but pink and lace and knee high socks would make a fit that’s just as fire. 

7. this is non-negotiable to me. whenever I hear someone say “I don’t like safe words” or “I/We don’t need a safe word” it’s just a red flag to me. idc what anyone says safe words are mandatory.

8. Yes. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this but with the rise of the popularity of “rough sex” (again, thanks FSOG) there’s seems to be a rise in people who just assume their partner may be into something, or who just try to experiment on their partner without asking them first. I’ve heard a lot of friends and other girls talk about guys just going straight into choking them, spanking them, and pulling their hair without even asking if they like it (another reason I’m scared to get out there and do stuff, as a person who is very much not a sub or into being treated roughly or tossed around, it’s a big fear of mine). I’ve also seen a lot about girls just randomly trying to finger their boyfriends. If it’s not vanilla, and y’all haven’t discussed it, do not assume it’s on the table. We’ve gotten to a point that kinky stuff is so talked about and normalized (especially with young adults) that people forget it’s actually kinky. 

9. period.

10. okay so story time, around the age of 15/16 is when I started to realize I was into kinky stuff. The preference had kinda always been there, but I couldn’t really place a name to it. I had always felt like an outcast among my peers when it came to the way they would talk about romantic and sexual relationships (I was a year ahead, so all my friends were 1-2 years older than me, so they started to do that stuff earlier than I did) because the things they talked about and liked were way different from the stuff I would think/fantasize about, so I always stayed quiet (teenage girls are very vocal about having choking/daddy kinks but that’s definitely indicative of a much larger problem that i will not get into bc that’s a whole other very very long essay that I will definitely write on here one day but not now). So when I found out what gentle femdom was I felt like I had a community that understood me, and everything just clicked. I would lurk on online communities and I lived for the discourse on there but I could never actively participate because every community had a strict “no minors” policy. They would say exactly what you said, “If minors wish to learn, then they should do so by finding articles and books, not by asking people involved in the scene.” I didn’t want to make anyone catch a case and I didn’t want to get targeted by predators so I tried to follow their advice. i found nothing. There honestly just isn’t that much educational stuff for “kinky teenagers”, or at least none that fit me. There was no femdom oriented stuff. I mean sure there was the standard “consent is important especially in bdsm relationships” but like that didn’t really help me. I had so many questions, that I could never feel comfortable asking my mom or a therapist, and especially not my friends. I didn’t know how to express this part of myself. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it and I couldn’t even watch porn like a normal teenager (we all know the state of femdom porn. its bad) so I was this ball incredible frustration and confusion and i didn’t know what to do with it. So I unfortunately turned to twitter. There I made a little like minded friend. he was also 16 so i thought “this is good, a non adult also kinky teenager who I can relate too. what could go wrong :)”(I’m sure you see where this is going) I was so excited to have a new friend, but ofc, our convos soon took a turn. However, since he was the first person to ever show interest in me, and the only person my age who i could talk to who understood me, i started to catch feelings. But he was a teen just like me, just as horny and confused and sooo immature. He started to pressure me into domming him/becoming his domme, but I refused because I wasn’t ready (i saw on one of those online communities I used to lurk in that its not healthy for your first sexual experience to be bdsm and I took that to heart). he ghosted me. needless to say that “friendship” was toxic. i realized too late that he only saw me as a kink dispenser, and didn’t care about me on a personal level. it also made me realize how not “mature for my age” I was. i say all this to say, NO, teenagers should not be participating in kink. they are not mature enough. however education and resources for them are not where they should be. if we want to discourage them from putting themselves in these situations, we need to better provide them with education and healthy ways to relieve these urges/feelings (i eventually took up writing, it helped me a lot). i feel like had i found a healthier and safer way to express/explore that side of myself, I would’ve never gotten in that situation to begin with. That experience has kinda put me off from dipping my toe into the actual community (well that and the lack of diversity but we’ve already talked about that)

ALSO the amount of very young children i’ve seen in the kink “community” on twitter is alarming... you’re not a little you’re 12

anyways, thanks so much for this essay of an ask and sorry i wrote an essay in response to each one lol but like I said I could discuss kink all day

[dem-khuya]

04022019：1114

# p/dophilia mention

writing this while in my literature class. today is remarkably cold...additionally i have a giant ass amount of hw to do and lots of stuff to study for, it’s going to be a very very busy day. i’m thinking about going out to exercise but sadly it just looks totally impossible. i might skip english tomorrow to do it though. it sounds like the weather is quite nice.

i remember talking to lhiftya about walls that people are unable to cross...one great example of this is being a person of color and having white friends. you’ll almost certainly run into ‘walls’ with them. because they don’t really understand, most of the time, the difficulty in dealing with discrimination or if they’re white and american the beauty and the curse of being part of a non-western culture, the ties one has to family. things like that.

but with any friend i’m sure there are always (seemingly) uncrossable distances and walls. i can't talk politics and history with linh bc she's just not woke. it's hard for jasmine and i to connect in certain ways because our upbringings are so different. things like that. and perhaps lhfitya and i had run into our first one when we were talking.

so for a while in her friend group there’s this asshole, i’ll refer to him as izzy, and well he’s a generally awful person, misogynistic and also a p/dophile. the bigger issue is that lhiftya’s friend C is dating him and has been for a while despite knowing abt the things he’s done. sunday, it really affected lhiftya a lot, thinking about this, which was why she suddenly disappeared. there’s more but i’d just keep it short as that for now.

in any case many of his friends have separated themselves from him, created a group chat, and invited her to it, and from what lhiftya’s told me many of them were wildly oblivious/very dumb/ignorant…they harbored resentment for a mutual friend of hers because he always made rude jabs at izzy lol. and they also clearly continued to think of izzy as a potentially salvageable human being and still turn a blind eye towards his previous acts. we both agreed that they were as such but i guess i lost my patience at some point.

i was trying to persuade her to end the conversation early and asked if it was really worth her time, engaging with people who are just making her angry and hurt, and she said probably not, but she couldn’t just put it aside. i told her that she knew her limits better than i did and she took it as me not wanting to listen. i said that i was willing to, but it was more like i didn't understand why she was doing what she was doing, and added that it was her choice in the end to engage with these people and not mine.

our conversation sizzled out pretty soon after.

i just want to take some time and analyze my feelings, my perception of her feelings, and why it was that we both came to such a conclusion.

i guess the issue with me is the following:

i am unforgiving

i lack a degree of introspection

for me, when people cross a certain line within our relationship, i cut them off without even realizing it. i don’t really know why i do this; it’s easy to say i got it from my mom but i’ve never been taught to do this so i’m not sure, i think it’s some kind of defense mechanism, just something built into me. and anything that happens to them, i lack the energy to care. i could try, very hard, but i can’t care. i just...can’t. it’s incredibly linear, and also cruel. i’m only starting to recognize it now but it’s very hard to change.

i can barely remember who exactly i’ve done this with—arnav is one, because he treated linh like shit and treated me like an ass, but i can say definitively that he’s not a horrible human being, just an annoying and self-righteous one. another is kyle, because i kept thinking he was hitting on me and showing off. i remember doing this to various insignificant people throughout school, too. a childhood friend who said he saw me as a housewife, couple other childhood friends. it is usually after a series of missteps and then a final one that really cuts it down for me.

so for me it really didn't make sense. she told me that the issue with C continuing to date izzy even though he is an awful person sent lhiftya spiraling on sunday, and when i told her that her absence made me unhappy she went to the therapist monday after work to get her feelings sorted out, and i'm happy that she thought of me and did that. but i guess i'm still confused as to why she still engages in conversations and talking with these people who, continued being friends with izzy when they excused his inappropriate behavior with a minor (a fucking minor!) and to this point in time continue to make excuses for him, and mostly seem to just test her patience. in my eyes, i perceived her as making a decision to hurt herself deliberately. which of course made me unhappy to think about too.

on monday she told me that i have to talk sense to her if C ever reaches out and asks for her help and discourage it. but if she doesn't want to listen to me regarding even this conversation/finds that i'm being more irritating and controlling instead of helpful then i have two options:

let her choose to do whatever it is she wants to do and take care what happens after, or

change the way that i'm trying to discourage her.

maybe i'm being too forward and accusatory by asking if this was worth her time; maybe instead i'll ask how she's feeling and suggest leaving if she's not feeling well. and if she feels bad but keeps doing the not very wise choice then we just move to #1. i guess i was somewhat irritated by seeing the conversation she was having and the total ignorance of her peers and confused by why she was still talking to them and asking about C, and i was a little too forward in asking if it was worth her time. so next time i need to be gentler, kinder.

i also think i'm asking too harsh a question in my actions. i'm implicitly asking her, i guess, "why are you making such an unwise decision? why are you allowing yourself to be hurt in doing so?" and that isn't right of me either.

of course we make mistakes, deliberate ones, that we really shouldn’t have. of course we do. we have thoughts that we shouldn't and it's much too easy to say, "don't think those things. don't make those mistakes." i mean this sunday i did an all nighter when i really didn’t need to. i still love my father even though he's inflicted so much trauma in my life. i'm not perfect. judgement is clouded and our choices can never always be right. i can understand my wanting her to make the right choice--to remove herself from the conversation and go to bed early instead of continuing to engage with these people, allowing herself to be open to C even when the thinking of C is both painful and stressful--but i also need to accept that sometimes the people we love make the wrong choice and we have to shoulder the burden with them. that's all we can do. it's not a competition. at the end if she does get hurt, what, am i just going to say "i told you so"? that's not conducive to anything. that's just mean

i don't think i'm wrong in wanting her to stop engaging in this conversation with people that seem to make her angry more than happy/excited. i think i was wrong in my approach, and my thinking is too rigid. i need to be more understanding too. and additionally i need to understand that the world is not the same for everyone either. and that just because i think something should be done a certain way doesn’t mean that she has to think that either. she is significantly more forgiving and kind than i am. and that is the way that she approaches the world. i’m not going to understand that for a long time but i shouldn’t let that get in the way of the relationship i have with her.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

so

it is monday and i missed my reflection for yesterday since i stayed up late last night but i got some things i want to discuss. this has been something that ive been noticing but today....was interesting. bc i was so casual about it

i say that ive been trying to stop cussing and yet, i still do it so freely in order to fit in with the culture here. the people from my work in the snapchat group i realize are super spoiled. it’s hard to even get a job and we should all be grateful to have one at all. and i understand it’s an on campus job but the fact that we even have the opportunity to work on homework at all is amazing and we should be grateful for that. we arent entitled to that right. it’s an opportunity(?). thats not the right word but im sure future jessica will know what im trying to get at. but yeah. ive been called to be more loving and affectionate and live out Christ who lives in me but I can’t do that if I’m living with the world. I have to be brave enough to go against it. I think that staff has become too chill with us and while I admit that I added into the chaos last semester after Natalie left, I do think things have gotten a lot better this year. And there are probably a bunch of people that really need a job and wouldn’t take them for granted like we are now. But we’ve developed a kind of culture where its power to the workers and not the staffers when they are just as miserable as we are. we need to be more understanding and forgiving and actually do our job instead of slacking off all the time. we really have become a place where we go to to have fun instead of to work and i feel like that’s gotta change. and i will admit that i am afraid of being rejected for standing up and raising awareness and trying to shift our habits. but i dont want to complain anymore. it makes me sound so spoiled. it makes me give into my more spoiled tendencies, moreso. it sucks and while i do feel empowered, i dont need to put other people down in order to make myself feel better. I know who I am and the good work that Christ is using me for. And I want to continue to do that. 

Tess mentioned how everyone loves me so no one can yell at me and honestly, I think that made my head blow up and have this need to please everyone bc I already am. But I didn’t care about being on gr9 terms with everyone before so why should that change anything now? If anything, it puts the power in my hands to actually make a cultural shift at my work.

I was going to listen to music earlier but I don’t have working earbuds at the moment and I just wasnt in the mood so I didnt and I did some thinking instead. And I realized that I’m losing sight of who I am because I’m starting to compromise my beliefs. Like in graphic design today, I talked about drinking and partying so casually and thats a huge 180 from how on fire I was to get involved with the church just yesterday. And I was very aware of it but I also did nothing to stop it. It was like my mind and my mouth were two different entities and were going at their own pace instead of working together. And I do want to be more vigilant and I do want to be more aware and outspoken. But at the same time, I do think this is a really hard battle to fight on my own. I do need accountability and I would reach out to Angela or Jason but I was really turned off by the things that she said at the tea party and Jason is just developing his faith and I want act more like a leader for him. But then I look at people like Johnathan who is by far the most in tune with God out of any of us and yet, he is so humble and doesn’t see himself in that light. He is truly a man of God and just cares about serving Him and His Kingdom. And I think that’s really admirable. I don’t know him super well yet but I am really looking forward to working with him this coming year along with next year. 

I like feeling happy and high off of life and just so fueled by the Spirit that I want to do better. I do miss the mission field and I do miss serving. But I’ve definitely slipped since then. I was always a little upset bc no one from Lakeview actually made an effort in trying to get me to come out. If I just said, “I’m not coming” they would leave it at that and I understand that theyre doing it out of respect for privacy but I feel like people need that push to come out sometimes. Angela can get super defensive and I don’t know if that’s a result of self esteem or something deeper but it really discourages me from getting involved or saying anything at all. And I know that I should tell her and be bold for Christ but it is pretty intimidating. And I really do believe my self esteem has gotten a lot better since high school but I still stumble and falter at times—especially when it comes to spending time at Sa-Rang which is why I almost don’t want to return. I do want to get to a place where I just don’t care about what they have to say or how they might judge me and I don’t think I’m there yet. I’m making progress but I’m not there yet. And I’m starting to be okay with not going home for the summer. Partly because there is a part of me that’s afraid of returning to place where no one cares about who I am but mostly because I’m not so afraid of missing anything anymore. If need be, I will fly in during the school year to be with my family. And I’m losing my attachments to Andrew and Sofia. The three of us have been talking daily and it’s been great getting to know them on a deeper level but they’re definitely not my closest friends anymore. Maybe that’s it. I’ve kind of lost my closest friends. Of course, I still feel comfortable coming to them with issues but it’s not the same. For a time it was Sharlene but then she got busy and I don’t blame her for that at all because it happens. It’s just that my current situation kind of sucks. And I think the right thing to do is to seek refuge in my friends who also follow Christ and be encouraged to really live out a life that is worthy of Him. I think He is an integral part of my life and I don’t think I am doing enough. I am starting to mention my personal belief system with Andrew and Sofia and I think they are actually curious about Christianity and I hope that God is moving within them and I hope that I can trust Him enough to just use me and bring them to Christ and share how great His love is for us. I was thinking about “Why” by Nicole Nordeman earlier and I think so often, we just pass over the weight of how much Christ sacrificed for our sins and our sake. Knowing full well that we would leave Him and spit in His face and pretend to not know Him. Jesus was literally betrayed by his closest peers and had to suffer such extreme physical and mental torment while still standing for God. And I think that’s a life we’re all called to live. Yesterday we learned about the Great Commission and honestly, I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention because I already try and live out the Great Commission and have already come to an understanding how we are always on the mission field. I do want to back out there and I would love to go on a long term mission trip if God calls me to go but if I can’t even stand up for Him in the comfort of my own home then how will I even hope to live boldly for Him during extreme circumstances and in a land so foreign for so long? The reason change doesn’t happen is because no one calls attention to the problem but it’s something that definitely needs to be done. I’ve overcome my depression and I am still afraid of being judged but I am getting better. Something that I’m actually really curious about is whether or not committing suicide is a sin and if so, then why? And I think a part of me did want to ask this question on Friday but I was worried that they would think I’m feeling suicidal and see me in a totally different light but hey, I’ve been there and I want to help those around me that are there in the future. And honestly, I don’t know if this is just me assuming but if I was suicidal, I don’t think any of them would know how to help. I think they would just give me my space and leave it at that and hope that I would get better. I don’t know if they would really care. And that’s pretty disheartening but I was definitely called to serve here and that’s what I intend on doing. I will go out of my way to invest into the people around me and do what I can in the situation that God has placed me in. I will.