#when he used that machine gun on those dudes fleeing I went crazy

[fishdavidson]

Dream Journal 2017-07-10: WHO WANTS A HOUSE?!

GUESS WHO HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT! THIS DUDE! AND THIS IS A CAPS-LOCK WORTHY MOMENT IF EVER THERE WAS ONE, SO I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY WANTON USE OF UPPER CASE LETTERS.

I don’t know if shaming my brain on tumblr made my subconscious work again, or my sleep cycles invisibly shifted back, but the important part is that I had a dream! One-and-a-half dreams, even!

Dream Fragments

Kevin Garvey from the HBO TV series, The Leftovers, went to the grocery store. He bought fewer than 10 items and thus went to go check out in the express lane. This is a very rare occurrence in the grocery store because the <10 item express lanes are always filled with people who can’t seem to read the damn signs and are trying to check out with somewhere between 100 and infinity items. A crowd forms to witness this auspicious event. The people in the crowd begin clapping their entire arms like they are the massive jaws of an alligator. This is the highest measure of applause that may be accorded to a mortal man, and it is in tribute to the noble acts of Kevin Garvey, the likes of which will probably never be seen again because because everyone else is too damn lazy to read. Kevin walks out the store in front of a throng of adoring, alligator-clapping admirers. He is satisfied with having done the impossible.

The Main Dream: The House Lottery

Somewhere in the morass of innumerable suburban streets and subdivisions, there sits a house. It’s a nice house in a good neighborhood. The school district is pretty good, too. The house isn’t occupied, and it’s not for sale. Anyone can live there, but there’s a catch.

The future occupants of the house must prevail in a bloody bout of gladiatorial combat. Not metaphorical gladiatorial combat, but something like literal-Hunger-Games-level combat. Whenever the house becomes vacant, the municipal government arranges a lottery for the house. Anyone who is interested in this house can put their name in the drawing. City council draws a dozen names from a hat, and those people are asked to show up at the house in the middle of the night.

One of these lucky people will win a house. The other eleven will probably be dead.

The rules are simple: Every competitor must remain within one city block of the house. If you leave the security perimeter, you forfeit your claim on the house. You have until sunrise to eliminate the other competitors by any means necessary. And that means that for this one night, even murder is legal.

The contestants show up at the appointed location around 2AM. A referee from the city explains the rules to the people who show up. The event begins after the referee leaves. A flare gun is fired into the night sky to signify that the game begins. Fire explodes into the sky and everyone scatters.

A local gun enthusiast brought a machine gun and mowed down more than half of the contestants within the first minute. The rest of the people managed to flee into the darkness to bide their time. Fifteen minutes pass. Another two people die from injuries inflicted by other contestants. Only three contestants remain: rifle guy and a hippie couple who is married in spirit but not on paper because labels are tools of oppression, man.

The hippies have no gun. All they have is a shiny metal pipe about as big around as your thumb. But the metal on that pipe is thin and the ends are sharp. Rifle guy fully expects to make quick work of these people, because he is filled with overconfidence and five beers. He’s also wearing a neon-orange hunting vest because it’s important to stay safe, even when you’re out murdering people in the middle of the night.

But the hippies aren’t wearing shoes, and their steps are supernaturally quiet. They work in tandem to flank Rifle Guy and sneak up on him like ninjas. One of the hippies stabs Rifle Guy right in the throat and he’s dead by the time he hits the ground. Now there are only two contestants.

The hippies have no plans of murdering each other because they are married. So one of the two walks right past the security perimeter to forfeit their claim on the house. A winner is declared! Well, really it’s two winners, because the next morning those two hippies got legally married and now both of their names are on the deed to the house. I really hope those two do something crazy with that house, just so I can imagine the homeowners association freaking out because there are edible plants growing in the yard and the gutters are the wrong color.

HOAs are a giant pain in the butt. These hippie folks have the right idea.

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Picture of the riots in Egypt taken from Pinterest. Dunno why it was hosted there, but that’s the internet for you.