#which is why i've let the lines get looser and looser as the years have gone by | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elektroyu · 3 years

Text

I'm not sure if I should post this on my art blog, but since it's impacting my art too I figure why not. I'll be very honest here and it's not something beautiful, so if you don't like to read about such things rn please go somewhere else and find something that suits your needs better. :) To keep you from accidentally continue reading have this picture of pretty dew-topped grasses in the morning that I took a couple years ago:

I love grass, it's so elegant and just <3

So the thing is. The absence of a close friend for me is... crippling. I'm feeling so fucking lonely that it's really not fun anymore. Not being able to share art things (in the broadest sense) or even dog training (agility in particular) with someone close is just about killing me emotionally. I'm a typical textbook introvert who doesn't need tons and tons of friends and I have a hard time committing to people in the first place, but the only people who I can talk about these things is my family, meaning my dad and my sister(s), but that's not really sharing anything. They let me talk and even give opinions or try to help if I'm struggling, but they're not involved in these things themselves. My coworkers like to see my art and are impressed with it, they will share pet stories on a superficial level, but their interest doesn't even remotely reach where mine does. I love my family and coworkers and I honestly appreciate what they DO give me, but it's just not the same as a proper same-interest friendship. Especially a close one. I had one for many, many years (and others before that), it was a truly special connection that's probably just a once-in-a-lifetime occurence. Very gradually it fell apart over time and I trusted a little bit too much that it would last forever. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong there, mind you, nor am I blaming anyone for addressing their own needs first and foremost, as that's simply the right thing to do. It was more along the lines of people change and sometimes their needs and expectations change too. That's perfectly normal and that wasn't the first time I've experienced this. But like I said, I didn't see the possibility of this particular friendship ever ending. To me, this thing was eternal, and in a way it still is, even though there's no possibility it could ever come back now. It did end. And that devastated me more than I can express. It ripped my entire heart out and left me bleeding. I still can't quite deal with it even after 5-6 years, although it's gotten slightly better in the last few years. This particular experience changed me in a not at all good way. It made me even more of a hermit. I'm even more afraid to reach out and commit to other people, even though I'm sometimes nearly losing my mind from being lonely. I'm constantly doubting myself to not be enough, to not care enough, to not be good enough to even deserve the friendship of another human being. I'm always, always afraid to disappoint again. I'm seriously, honestly doubting if I even should have a friend, if I'm even able to give them something back. Maybe I'm way too selfish to have a friend. Maybe I don't even really want a friend, even though I obviously do.

Almost worse for me is that the topic of 'friendship' developed into a giant trigger for me. I'm feeling perfectly fine one moment until by chance I stumble upon someone fleetingly mention some human connection on their blog or in some ffxiv tutorial or something and I instantly feel just hollow and unwanted. Instantly feel the absence of someone who can live in that giant void in my heart. It hurts so much. Usually I'm good in my everyday life, but this little thing is becoming more and more of a problem for me, and it doesn't exactly help art things either, as it warps and/ or hinders my ability to think about things properly. My therapist said I should just keep trying to find irl friends, which I'm kinda doing and kinda not doing. That bit of advice was kind of not very helpful, I feel ^^; even though I admire and respect my therapist a lot (not getting sessions anymore, though, I went there for social anxiety and got a LOT out of it, but with friends there's always at least 2 parties involved, right, not just one).

I'm a firm believer that friendships happen and develop on their own, even if there's hardships along the way. I have no interest to beg anyone to be my friend just because I want one. I'm convinced in time I'll meet someone who's feeling as drawn to me as I am to them again and something grows naturally. Or maybe I'm just greedy and it won't happen again, then that's that and I'll have to settle for looser connections. Maybe in the next life. Until I know which one it is I'm going to fight on by myself (life is too precious to waste, after all, if I'm damned to do life alone then I'll rather do it alone than waste all those opportunities to do and experience all this amazing stuff that's going on), love my pets and be loved by them (are humans even able to love so unconditionally?) and talk to you lovely guys on the internet. And believe me, you mean a lot to me and I'm beyond thrilled about every single one who talks to me ;) <3 you know who you are.

So there it is, the thing that plagues me (art me/ dog training me/ personal me) and has no easy fix. I'm putting it out there into the internets, which maybe will be one step towards me learning to deal with it, or heal from it, or live with it at least. It would be nice to process it to a degree that I can either use it for something productive or so that it at least doesn't hinder me anymore. There's no question there's going to be a major scar from it and I don't mind that, but it would be nice if it was only a scar and not such an easily opened wound that hurts like hell and still feels fresh after such a long time.

#random stuff #maybe I should actually look into grief processing #it feels kind of similar #never had grief issues with actual losses #these losses hurt their fair share #but never like this

16 notes · View notes

girl-next-door-writes · 3 years

Text

Drunk Confessions

This is an entry from my eldest for my writing Bingo.

Drunk Confession - Vincent (OC) and Peter / Line without a hook

It was their final year at Hogwarts and with it being their final year then obviously the boys would go full on out for a Halloween party. There hadn't been a lot of them, no, but there was music, food, great costumes and a little drinking. The group to meet up at the Shrieking Shack on this Hallows Eve happened to be the marauders - consisting of James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin- followed by one Lily Evans and a Vincent Daae. The moon was bright in the sky yet not full, to the relief of Remus, as they began to meet up at about seven in the evening. The first to be there, early of course, were Sirius and Remus who'd been decorating the place to give it more of a spooky atmosphere. Not that it needed to be changed much for that effect. The next two had been James and Peter, the smaller male being the records they'd kept in their dorm room as requested whilst the boy with glasses had managed to sneak a couple bottles of firewisky over to let everyone get a little looser that night. Finally though, coming a few minutes later than planned due to some finishing touches on their costumes, where the Gryffindor girl and Slytherin boy.

Each person's costume seemed to match with another's, two pairs purposely whilst the final one being a coincidence. First happened to be Lily and James who finally managed to hook up that year. Hook up being she'd gone on a few dates with him but their relationship had not been official yet. The two had agreed before that they would go as the famous couple from grease, Sandy and Danny, with Lily going for more of the character's early movie style rather than her outfit at the end. James, however, had 'borrowed' one of Sirius' leather jackets to use for the costume and had actually bothered to comb his hair back to make it less of the casual mess it usually was. The second duo happened to be Sirius and Remus as Han and Leia. The original suggestion from Sirius had been for Han and Chewy but Remus refused, resulting in Sirius handing over his costume idea to the boy whilst he borrowed a white dress from Marlene. His hair, he was impressed with, having managed to put it up similarly but not exact to how it had been. When Remus first saw him in the costume, he'd tried not to laugh, but in all honesty he'd admitted it did look good in him.

The final pairing happened to be Peter and Vincent who'd accidentally ended up as Morticia and Gomez Addams. Vincent's dress hadn't been taken from anyone without their permission unlike with the clothes Sirius and James had, but rather sent over to him by his mother from his cousin when hearing about his plan. He felt relieved it had been the long black sleeved dress instead of the other one. Peter had been given the suggestion for the outfit off Remus when he confessed that he'd just show up dressed in his normal clothes. Come to the awkward moment when the third wheels of the two relationships see each other, not knowing whether the others had somehow planned things out to go this way or if it had merely been a coincidence.

Moving on into the evening now, Queen had been playing as the drinking had more than begun. Sirius and James had been some of the most heavy drinkers that evening, only beaten out by Vincent to most of their surprise. To people like Sirius and James he'd seemed like one of those more quiet and responsible kids who'd be prefect or head boy, but to Lily this hadn't been a shock since she'd known the guy better than the rest of the boy's. The one's to drink the least were then Remus and Lily, with Peter holding the record for least intoxicated after having a shot offered to him by James and not liking the taste, thus refusing to continue with the drinking.

As it grew even later it appeared as if James and Lily had already begun to head back to the castle to call it a night whilst Remus and Sirius stayed close to each other, having a slow dance to a few more songs. Peter found his leaning against the wall and watching the two, smiling a bit at how well they went together but also finding his eyes occasionally wandering to the only non-Gryffindor to have shown up. He'd wanted to talk to him all evening yet hadn't found the chance to due to the music being blast, James interrupting him on many occasions and the small fact that over the past week he'd been getting the silent treatment from the boy. He'd not even been sure why the Slytherin had avoided him, feeling as if it might have not been his fault but more of James and Sirius' reputation with pranks, especially more harsher ones towards the other boy's house. Hell, James had previously planned a prank to do on the boy that evening but stayed off it when he'd started hitting things off with Lily better than ever. With one of his small looks over to Vincent, however, he'd noticed he'd started to move out of the room with one of the bottles that neither of them had managed to finish. The smaller boy couldn't help but follow, curious and still hoping he could finally talk with him.

When looking around the old and abandoned house, He found the other boy sitting on the windowsill of one of the upstairs rooms, the bottle being a bit more empty as it stood on the windowsill too. When hearing the creak of the floorboards in the doorway, Vincent had looked over to find Peter standing there and stayed silent for a moment as he just stared at him. "Hey Vince… Um… I wanted to talk…" The Gryffindor was the first to speak between the two as he moved into the room a bit more, scratching the back of his head.

Vincent ended up moving from the sill as he left the bottle on the side, still keeping his eyes on Peter as he listened to the silence break. His next few words seemed to come out of nowhere as the taller of the two traced the others face with a finger before lifting his chin up to look at his face. "I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me when we're alone…" The words actually sounded as if they were meant but it had just appeared from nothing as the blonde had lost whatever words he was going to use on the other boy. He'd not expect to hear this, especially after a week of hearing nothing. Moving his hand from his chin however, Vincent began to take Peter's hand and grip it just a bit. It wasn't too tight, more soft but still with the intent of not wanting to let go. "You can hold my hand if no one's home…"

The Slytherin looked from the other's face down towards their hands as he hesitated for a moment before letting out a brief question "Do you like it when I'm away?" Peter assumed that this was in regards to their lack of conversation and tried to get his words out, being a hard no in reply as he'd found the other's presents to be quite pleasant, not that he'd tell the others that. However he'd still been somewhat flustered with the previous statements and actions towards him making his reaction appare a bit more delayed. This resulted in another question shot towards him as Vincent let go of his hand and put a bit of space between the two of them as he quietly mumbled "If I went and hurt my body, baby, would you love me the same?"

This was even more jarring then the first few statements, making a blush finally form onto the Gryffindors face as he began to feel his own hand, finding it hard to believe the situation he'd now found himself in. He felt concerned about how the other was acting at this moment, wondering how he could help before then hearing "I can feel all my bones coming back and… I'm… craving motion…" With this, Pete looked from his own hands to the face of the taller boy which now also hosted a Crimson shade rather than the usual pale completion that's found on the boy's face, a lip bite also in process.

The blonde wanted to get to the bottom of whatever this appeared to be and knew he'd actually needed to start asking questions instead of submitting to the raven haired boy. "Is everything okay at home?" Happened to be the first thing he could think of digging into since he'd known his homelife to be a little… Complicated. His father had abandoned them when he'd been younger and he'd had to live with just him and his mother, somewhat relatable to the Gryffindor, with the only difference really being that for Vincent he had his older cousin who happened to be a squib that would visit often to help out. He'd doubt there would be problems now he thought of it more but he needed to just check in case of anything that might be an issue. "Momma never really learned how to live by herself…" was given as a quiet reply with a nervous chuckle and a slight shrug proceeding that. It had been followed by a somewhat mouthed 'not like it matters' meaning he'd definitely been trying to move down the wrong rabbit hole at this moment.

He got more of an answer though when following this was "It's a curse… And it's growing…" Ah, so this was more of a magical problem. He'd been hex or something then? Peter felt this might have James' written all over it before then getting the slightly muffled of "You're a pond and I'm an Ocean…" which brought a bit of confusion to him. When thinking about it a bit more, the curse bit could have been more metaphorical then literally, but that still didn't really give the blonde much of a hint to the issue with the raven haired boy.

"All my emotions… Feel like… explosion," Vincent could notice the Gryffindor struggling to understand him and he continued to try getting his feelings across as best as he could. He usually had a way with words but being as intoxicated as he was, it was hard to think of what to say. The first things that came to his mind appeared to be what he was saying. "When you are around… And… I've found a way to kill the sound?"

Peter watched the taller male stumble over his words as he tried to put things together, coming to sort of a conclusion which kept him heating up at the thought he might actually be right with it. He couldn't actually be saying he liked him in that way though… Right. He'd just refused to talk to him for a whole week after all so why would he? In an attempt to convince himself otherwise, Pete began to make excuses to the Slytherin. "Vincent, you're a bit drunk… More than a bit. I don't think you know what you're saying," was the first excuse he gave to which he got a head shake back, not to the drunk part but the not knowing what he was saying.

"Then maybe… Of course, Padfoot or Prongs must have laced your drink with Amortentia!" appeared to be the next one he gave to get a verbal response of "I said no…" from Vince.

"Well you wouldn't realise if you drank it beca---"

"I said no…"

Before Pete could even get another word out about this theory, Vincent put a finger over his lips and sighed as he looked the other boy in the eyes. "Listen close… It's a no…" The raven haired hair mumbled once again before making sure the Gryffindor wasn't going to say another word about it to which he moved his finger, thinking once again on how to explain. He should have probably moved away from the poeting replies he was trying but the boy occasionally had a flare for the dramatic. "The wind is a pounding on my back, and I've found hope in a heart attack…"

With this, the mood of his words appeared to shift as if in a small moment he'd realised something. He'd realised something about how even I'd he got his message across then there wouldn't even be a point due to the other's disbelief. It was at this time there was a scruple in the boy's confession as he looked away from the Gryffindor. "Oh, at last… It has passed…" He shook his head just slightly, moving towards the windowsill once again with a pause when he reached it, turning back for a moment as he didn't look at Peter then he clutched one of his hands over where his heart was. "No I've got it… And you can't have it…"

Of course Pete would notice the change in his story and realised that he wouldn't really learn the source of the problem proceeding like he was. He couldn't just deny this guy, or rather he could but he didn't want to. There was a mixture of him for different reasons he didn't want to and so, to hopefully get back to the track and confession he was looking for, the gryffindor asked another question. "Why now…? Of all times to tell me this, why is it now?" It was one of the main things he wanted to know anyway, curious to why after a week of silence this would come out. Curious to why the week of silence still too.

"Darling…" When the word came out, Vincent hesitated for a moment on whether or not he'd should have used it before deciding he couldn't go back. It had escaped already so there was no point in holding back. "When I'm fast asleep, I see this person watching me… Saying…" The words grew slowly as he began to turn away again, his glacé heading towards one of his arms as he rubbed it a bit. "Is it worth it?" This came out as a mumble before the slytherin repeated more louder "Is it worth it?"

The blonde continued to listen to the Raven haired boy as he thought of what 'it' could be in regards to. He'd moved closer as he began to stand next to the other male. When Vince had noticed he took a breath in, looked over to the Gryffindor and asked once more "Tell me, is it worth it?" As the words came out, Peter caught himself getting lost in the other's newly damp yet lilac ocean of eyes. He'd not been lying before, they were with his own appearing like ponds compared to the deepness of what he'd stared into. It felt like the words that had been going into his ears had been an incantation to draw him closer and trap him yet this moment soon ended as quickly as it came about when the Slytherin turned away once more, hugging himself in silence for a moment.

"Are you okay?" Yes, it did seem a bit of a stupid question to ask in this moment when it was obvious the other boy was getting emotional in this moment but Peter knew that Vincent needed to hear these words. He needed to hear that the Gryffindor cared about him and how he was feeling, and with hearing this the other boy began to explain more clearly, touching slightly on the reason for that week's silence. "cause… There is something and there is nothing… there is nothing in between," in being more clear, it didn't mean he was going to stop in trying to be poetic however. "And in my eyes there is a tiny dancer, watching over me… He's singing…"

These next lines made Peter realise where'd he'd gone wrong and this brought him a sense of guilt. He felt guilty about the fact he'd not realised how obvious it had been, of course it was. The other week he was short on money before the group was going to head to Hogsmead and as a dare off James so he could get some extra money, he was told to tell Marlene that he smelt her in his Amortentia. And thus, he did, which ended in a small rumor, an awkward kiss off Marlene that neither of them wanted and him getting paid more than he was offered from a hysterical James. Of course he'd realised this was the problem upon the words "He, he wants a lady and I am just a boy…"

He didn't even like girls, he was just desperate and hadn't thought about it at the time. Yet, now, here he was with a guy who'd been crushing on him for who knows how long now thinking he had no chance from assuming the blonde was straight. His early assumption about this involving James and Amortentia hadn't been too far off, then. Just how they were involved was slightly different. To hurt even more however, the drunken slytherin had to go ahead and repeat the line again with more emotion and emphasis. "He's singing, He, he wants a lady! And I'm just…" In this moment, Peter placed a hand on Vincent's shoulder in an attempt to calm him down, seemingly working in his favour. "a line… Without… a…"

Silence came between the two, the raven haired male not being able to bring himself to finish before letting tears roll down his face as he reluctantly brought his face to looking at Peter's again. The words to escape him after held a lot of weight as he struggled to get them out through tears. "Oh baby I am a wreck… I need you here to stay…" were the first as he began to take both of the blonde's hands, gripping them tight unlike the first time. "I broke all my bones that day…"

"I found you," Peter began to confess back as he wasn't wrong. The day the silence between them began he had seen Vincent alone yet hadn't approached. He didn't think it was his place two when he was "Crying by the lake…"

Even though now he knew, and definitely KNEW, what the problem had been but needed to have that confirmation just to put the nail in the coffin. "Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden?" came out in a soft voice as Pete raised an eyebrow, getting nothing but a pained look from the Slytherin. This had to be a yes to which he followed with a quiet 'oh' before "and if I could take it all back I swear that I…"

The words faded out a bit when the blonde noticed himself getting caught up in the other's eyes again, not even noticing how close they'd gotten at this moment. The raven haired boy, however, did notice the closeness and was determined to close it. "Would pull… You… From…" the shorter had continued but hadn't managed to finish as just before he could let the last words out the other boy had locked lips with him. Even if it didn't last too long, it felt like an eternity. It was just the two of them alone dressed all fancy in an abandoned house now shearing a chaste kiss.

When it had finished, there appeared to be silence as both of them kept their eyes closed and bodies close, both not really believing what had just gone on. Not just the kiss but the entire thing! Nevertheless, Peter never got to finish his sentence to which, after wrapping his arms around the Gryffindor, Vincent leaned into his ear to wispeare two final words to end it for him. "The tide…"

#nuggets writing #NOT MY FIC #Posting for my eldest #Make Me Feel Bingo

0 notes