#while i agree that isak might have seemed a little insecure in this clip

[irazor]

I'm hurtin' just finished rewatching s3 OG again I can't believe it'll be 4 years soon...just how did something so amazing exist, I'm lucky I got to experience it as it happened...I was wondering during the xmas party how Isak & even celebrated the new year, Isak seemed sort of insecure or fragile (him saying he didn't know if even was the man of his dreams & if it would last) their relationship was so new...if you feel inspired can you do a little drabble pretty please?

So umm sorry that you had to wait, like, six months for this. But it seemed kinda fitting to post this on the 3rd year anniversary of this clip, don’t you think? ;)

(As you can see, I took a little liberty with the prompt. I hope you’ll like it anyway)

——

Isak can’t really remember the last time he wanted to be in the present.

Certainly not at the start of this term, when all he did was work so hard to keep everyone away from his true self that he barely had time to breathe. When every question from the boys, every message from his mother or every stranger casting him a glance on the tram felt like an intrusion into the safe shell he’d built around himself. When he was always on the lookout, always on the run for the next safe stepping stone where nobody could pry too closely and see his real self.

Not during spring, when he tried his hardest to ignore the fact that he was, in fact, sleeping in the basement of some weird dude he barely knew, who’d just taken mercy on him for some reason. Not during summer either, even if he’d been granted the relative heaven of his own room up in the apartment by then.

And definitely not last fall or winter, when everyone and everything around the house was balancing on a knife’s edge, threatening to fall apart and break at the slightest disruption. When the knowledge of what he’d done to his best friend was constantly glued to the insides of his brain, like a sticky black mass that wouldn’t let go.

Not even after he’d met Even, on the sunlit windowsill in his room, under the surface in the pool, not even after Even had broken up with Sonja and they’d had their week of wonder together, kissing in the kitchen, in his room, in the hotel –

Truth is, however relieving and thrilling it had been, it still had felt like it was too good to be true. A constant, nagging reminder in the back of his head: it could be taken from him at any moment. How is this even real? he’d thought more than one time during that short, dream-like week.

And for a little while after, he’d truly believed that it hadn’t been.

He knows better now, though. And looking up across the room to see Even standing there, maybe a little thinner and paler than a couple of weeks ago, but smiling, he realizes, suddenly, that he doesn’t feel the urge to be anywhere else. 

Doesn’t want to fast-forward to a distant future where his past won’t be able to catch up with him anymore, doesn’t feel the need to desperately cling to childhood memories of when everything was simple and warm and someone else’s responsibility. 

It’s kind of a surprise when it dawns on him that he, for once, actually doesn’t want to be someone else. 

So when Eva draws his attention back to her glittery eyes, he can actually look right into them and tell her that even if he doesn’t know what’ll happen tomorrow, it might still be alright. That he’s content enough in the present.

Even if he can feel his heart pick up a little when he asks her to forgive the stupid, selfish mistake he made in first grade, he does ask, and when she shrugs and lets him know that it’s alright, he lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

For the first time in years, he actually wants to leave things like that behind, not by pretending they never existed, but confess to them. Wipe his slate clean, sort of. Walk into this new, uncertain future without too many ghosts from his pasts hanging over his head.

Where he dares to say yes to what life offers him, and not only no.

Is Even the man of his dreams? When Eva asks him, he’s tempted to say yes. In a way, he believes that Even might be. He’d like to think so.

But, if he’s learnt anything from the past year, it’s that nothing can be taken for granted. 

And that he’s so fucking grateful for what he’s got.

He looks up at Eva, her expectant smile, her flushed cheeks. Then, he meets Even’s gaze across the room, and suddenly, he knows. 

It doesn’t matter, not really.

What matters is that in a little while Isak will go over to him, maybe actually approach him while he’s still standing under the mistletoe. 

That tomorrow, they’re going to Even’s parents – he’s going to his boyfriend’s parents, and even if it does freak him out a little, his heart is kinda fluttering with the knowledge that Even wants him there. 

That they’re here, together, him, Even, his friends. Eskild, and the rest of his flatmates that kind of feel like a little… family.

And that right now, for the first time in a long, long while, there’s no place he’d rather be.

[evakuality]

Episode Ten: the last one!!! (and just in time for s4 to start!).  Previous episodes can be found here:

Episode one        Episode two        Episode three

Episode four        Episode five        Episode six

Episode seven    Episode eight      Episode nine

So here we are at the business end of this venture.  Our two boys have grown and developed and while their stories have been similar, they’ve diverged quite a bit by this stage.  I said way back at the start of this thing that the opening shots/songs kind of summed up the journeys each of them needed to take: Isak’s into being real and not using social lubricants to hide behind a mask, and Matteo’s into being fully present in his life in a way he wasn’t then.  And I think we see these two contrasting things in the first clips of each of these episodes.  Isak’s is very quiet and soft, and he’s real in a way that he doesn’t often let himself be.  His kindness, which he has in spades but hardly ever shows, is out in force in this scene.  With Even, with Sonja, just in general.  There’s nothing brash or cocky about him, which he often uses when he’s feeling vulnerable with and around people.  Instead, he’s quiet and calm, he asks for guidance from Sonja and he applies that guidance to Even.  He’s ready and willing to stand up for what he wants, too.  There’s no deference to Even’s experience (eg: ‘yeah okay Even, you know best, we’d better break up now in case it’s all bad later’) as he has so often done in the past.  It’s ‘no you have no idea what’s going to happen in the future and I’m refusing to let you go without a fight.’  This is a moment for Isak to reconnect with himself, with who he truly is and what he truly wants.  

Matteo, on the other hand, has been working up to this.  He’s been getting stronger in terms of who he is and being able to articulate that to others.  He’s actively tried to be more present for people and for himself even when he’s been feeling bad or something has gone wrong.  The last week he’s been holding back, unnaturally waiting and having to be inactive.  He’s chafed against it the whole entire time, even while doing it fairly willingly.  Having sex with someone is a very vulnerable thing, and it does require (when done right) for you to be fully present and engaged.  It requires openness, and that’s where these two are at this point.  They did most of the soft, quiet reunion stuff off screen via instagram, but we know it happened.  But what we have here is really Matteo fully allowing himself to feel and to be.  Sex has been a difficult topic for him the entire season, from the boys’ constant talk about it through Sara’s constant attempts to get him to do it.  So it’s really fitting that here he gets to experience that in this way with this person who he loves.  It’s not something he has to hide from anymore.  It’s something he wants and is engaged positively with.  Which he genuinely hasn’t been for the rest of the season.  It seems right that he’s doing this now when everything is secure and he has a firm commitment and he’s totally comfortable being actively engaged in his life.  Isak, I think, needed that connection when he got it because it was at a time when it cemented who he is and helped him be properly comfortable in his identity.  Matteo has always been more comfortable with, and accepting of, his sexuality.  

Both boys at this point in their seasons are getting what/who they want and taking active control of their own destinies, but each is showing it in different ways.  Isak’s quiet intensity is a powerful reminder of how ‘fake’ some of his other personas have been, and Matteo’s active engagement from the start of this scene is a powerful reminder of how disengaged he was at the start.

Again the differences in how they got to this point are highlighted in what comes next.  Isak continues his trend of being kind and caring and thoughtful (which he always was, just hiding it), as he talks to Vilde and agrees to host the next kosegruppa meeting/party.  He knows she’s caught up in it and while he really doesn;t care, he agrees to do it because he wants her to be happy.  Then he has his reconciliation with Emma, which is much briefer than the one Matteo had with Sara.  Partly because the history is less intense and so he owes her less.  But again, it’s a kind thing to do.  He wants her to know he cares about her as a person, and even though she doesn’t accept his offer to go to his party she clearly appreciates what he’s doing.  Matteo now gets his ‘morning after’ scene with David which Isak got so many weeks ago with Even.  It’s a quiet bonding moment, interspersed with their own brand of affection: teasing and physically irritating each other.  One thing that’s always been true with Matteo is that he doesn’t tend to talk a lot, but here we see him talking more and again being fully engaged in the conversations.  Of course, it’s always been like that with David; he’s always had the ability to bring Matteo out of his shell.  But even with Laura, and despite being still fairly quiet overall, we can see Matteo is taking an active part in this conversation.  He’s no longer on the sidelines.  On another note, at this point both boys are far more comfortable just giving in to their desire to touch their partners.  Isak caresses Even through almost all of their previous conversation, though a lot of that is for comfort as well.  Matteo is now taking every opportunity to drape himself all over David as much as possible.  The fact that he’s very tactile comes out now.  It was there before, and we saw hints of it, but now that he’s completely secure in David and what they have there’s no stopping him at all.

This of course, spills over into the next clip with the boys.  Matteo starts out with the boys and actively engaged in the conversation, though quieter and more laid back than the others.  The thing with this is that, while he’s much more animated in general and has managed to get over his apathy and the way he was checked out at the start, he’s still an introvert and he still will have some of the issues that affected his mental health at the earlier parts of the season, and so he’s still going to have times when he feels like being less energetic and less active in engagement with other people.  But now, instead of choosing to completely check out or isolate himself, he chooses to stay with his friends and be part of things, taking as active a part as he wants to.  When David arrives, he chooses to snuggle and again take part when he feels he has something to say, knowing he’ll be respected and listened to.  This continues his easy way of leaning all over David whenever he can now.  He’s not insecure or afraid at all of what people might think and he’s absolutely rock solidly sure of David’s feelings and so he’s able to be as open and loving as he’s always wanted to be.  This is such an intrinsic part of who he is and it’s so lovely seeing him able to be like this now.  In fact, he never stops - hasn’t stopped yet even though the break and on all his social media.  Isak, too, has become much more comfortable when he hangs out with his boys.  His interaction with the boys and the dancing girls is filled with a confidence and ease that he has often lacked.  Gone is the cocky bro guy and in his place is one who can be cheeky and send out put downs but in a more gentle, teasing way.  He’s happy to talk about who he’d ‘bang’ and even admit to it being Jonas, so he’s settled into his sexuality in a much more definitive way.  Even when the girls are quite disrespectful about why they want him to come to their party (‘it’s insanely cute with two guys together’), he takes it in good spirits and basically plays with them, and with the boys.  He has fun with his ‘no, sorry, I’m going to the kosegruppa gathering’ and again when the boys are horrified that he denied them ‘the gates to paradise’.  He’s very comfortable being open and having fun with who he is.  In the past he’d probably have gone with the boys and helped them get the girls but now he’s happy enough to tell them to do it themselves.

It’s interesting that Isak’s conversation with Eva happens at the end here rather than earlier like it does for Matteo and Hanna.  Isak hasn’t really needed this, but it’s a bonus for him, knowing that he can properly reconnect with her and that he hasn’t completely destroyed his friendship.  The tone is happy and while Isak is apologetic, he’s in a good place and is able to explain to her why he feels secure in who he is and why it doesn’t matter what’s going to come.  For matteo, this conversation was one that was needed to start drawing him out of his deep slump.  The connection he got from Hanna (a much less secure character at this point than Eva is) is a sense of companionship, of someone who knows how he feels and is just as lost as he is.  It happened when he needed it, and Isak never needed a similar conversation in that way at that time.  And now the reunion he has with Eva is when they, too, are on an equal level.  But in this case they’re equally happy and secure in who they are and how their lives are going.  Had this happened earlier, it would not have been the same sort of meeting of equals and it wouldn’t have the same power as a rekindling of this friendship.

So, by the time each of them gets to his final party, he has come a long way from the start of the season.  They’re both surrounded by the people they love, celebrating a moment of joy, and they’re both at peace with themselves and those around them.  Isak’s mask is completely gone and in its place he is relaxed and comfortable with who he is, with no desire to be playing a role or trying to please anyone else with being someone he’s not.  Matteo has the confidence to be able to express himself and be a little sarcastic (like when he told Abdi he’d sleep with him, then took it back), he’s actively participating in his own life in a way he’d never have been able to imagine at the start of the season, and he’s happy and content.  He’s not struggling with the fear of not knowing what to do in the future anymore, content just to live in the now with the people he cares about.  Isak, too, is happy where he is.  He’s finally real in a way he’s not allowed him to be in the past and he, too, is living in the now.  Day by day.  Minute by minute.

[evakuality]

Let’s talk about Isak

So here we are at the second of the meta posts I wanted to write, and for which I created this blog in order to have somewhere to put them.  This one is about Isak all on his own.  He’s such a complex, interesting character and I’m constantly fascinated by him.  However, as in all fandoms, there are certain perceptions of him that have become accepted as universal truths to the point that most fic and art uses those ideas as if they are canon.  Since I’m in an analytical mood, I’m going to take a look and see just how accurate they all are.  Again, I could write a book on all the things I agree with about Isak: he’s smart, he’s analytical, he’s an introvert, he loves Even etc etc.  But there’s not much use in rehashing that stuff again, so I’m going to look at things where I either disagree or at least partially do.

First: That he’s small and weak.

Okay, so I take major exception to this one.  It’s probably one of the ones that bothers me the most.  Take that as an acknowledgement that I come into this with a bias against it, but I’ll still try to be fair.   Obviously, the actor grew over the course of the show and this has an impact on how we perceive the character.  Season one Isak isn’t noticeably taller than the people around him.  He’s still not what I would call short, but he’s not a towering giant either.  However, by season three Isak is pretty damn tall.  I know this is Scandinavia and there’s a stereotype that they’re tall people as a general rule and so someone as tall as Isak isn’t necessarily going to appear out of place or even particularly tall.  Having said that, however, it’s important to note that even for this group of people, Isak is not one of the smallest.  He’s one of the tallest.  He’s close to Magnus in height and it’s hard to tell which one has the edge.  I think it changes depending on the angle of the shots, and both of them are noticeably taller than their other friends.  There is one other thing that has an impact on how we see Isak, of course.  That one thing we can all agree on, and it is that Even is very tall, taller than the rest of them.  This creates a false impression of Isak as small, and he even looks delicate next to Even in the final clip of season 3 due to the costumes each is wearing.  I understand that this is what has fueled the perception that he is small, delicate, weak etc, however it’s still wrong.  There are a few inches at most between the two of them, and by season 4 that difference seems even smaller, probably due to the actor still growing.

The problem I have with this is that ‘small’ Isak is almost always coupled with ‘delicate, weak, needing protection and looking after’ Isak.  The fandom often has Isak as wearing Even’s clothes and them swimming on him.  Which is just blatantly, actually wrong.  In canon we see Even in Isak’s clothes and they fit perfectly.  These two are pretty much the exact same size and could probably share clothes for the rest of their lives and not have to worry about them not fitting.  It seems like the intention with this idea in fic is to infantilize Isak because along with this ‘he swims in Even’s clothes’ comes an idea that he can’t look after himself, but that’s a comment for another part of this post.  Another side effect of this infantilization is that Isak is generally cast as weak.  In fic and headcanons (and sometimes art, though forgive me I’m new to this business and I don’t see as much art as I do fic etc so it’s less on my radar), if someone is going to sweep someone else up it’s generally Even.  If someone needs carrying over a threshold it’s Isak.  However, in the show we see the opposite.  In the birthday video, Isak is the one who lifts Even onto his shoulders.  Isak is the one who’s shown to be working out.  Isak is the one who has definition and muscle in his body (seen earlier in the show, too; this isn’t a new development).  He’s very obviously not weak.  

Second: He’s manipulative

It’s fairly clear where this one comes from.  After all, Isak spent season one manipulating his friends and was spectacularly successful in his actions.  Right?  Well, yes and no.  Yes, he did what he could deliberately to try to make things difficult between Jonas and Eva.  He succeeded in making things worse and causing Eva a lot more misery than she might otherwise have endured.  However, I do not agree that he broke them up.  It’s not like this was a healthy relationship and would have remained secure and stable if not for Isak.  No, they had serious problems and difficulties already and his actions, while reprehensible and designed for his own gain, made no difference to the health or otherwise of the relationship.  As Eva says later, he didn’t fuck things up between them, they did that themselves.   I’ve only seen season one once, so I’m not totally certain of all the details, but his manipulations during it feel more off the cuff anyway.  They seem to be things that he thinks of in the moment to work for him.  He’s certainly not through everything through because he doesn’t plan for contingencies or for what will happen if he’s found out.  This, then, is where the idea of Isak being a master manipulator comes from.  It’s partially true because he does do some very underhand things in order to get the result he desires.  The problem is … he’s not actually very good at lying and manipulating.

This is most clear in season three when he’s with Even and bails on both sets of other plans for the evening.  Manipulation 101 would have you tell both sets the same lie or ensure that they can’t contact each other to prove you’re not being honest.  However, not long later he’s been called on it because he told two different and easily verified lies to the two groups.  They know, almost immediately, that he’s lying.  Not exactly master manipulative material.  Then his go-to excuse for ditching the boys is that he has a family thing.  He uses this so often that it’s become something of an in joke.  The boys clearly know he’s lying, as shown when Mahdi teases him about going to a family thing when he leaves the party they’re trying to get into.  He can’t keep his emotions off his face, either.  His misery is clear in his expression and his body language through much of his season and the boys are obviously hovering in the background concerned about him.  Even during season one he’s not the expert people suggest.  His actions come to light when Iben tells Eva that Isak is the one who’s spreading things around because he didn’t make sure that it couldn’t be traced to him.  That he never learns from this experience to become a better manipulator is actually testament to the idea that he’s just not invested in this as an activity and that when he tries he’s not actually good at it.  

The one way in which he’s actually successful at it is with girls.  He has a very practiced mask which he pulls on and uses to get girls to fall into his arms.  He’s very believable in this instance as it’s important to him to maintain that facade of heterosexuality.  Emma falls for it on numerous occasions and it can’t be denied that he’s doing this again for his own benefit.  However, it’s an understandable set of actions from someone who’s very insecure about his place and how he might be perceived if he strays off the accepted path.  It’s very telling that the only times he’s actually successful at lying and manipulation are when there are very high stakes for his own life (or if we include Jonas/Eva, when there’s a very shaky foundation ready to fall anyway).  This is not Isak’s natural state and tends to stem from misery rather than maliciousness when it happens.  It doesn’t excuse what he does at all, but he’s definitely not a master at this.

Third: He’s a spoiled brat

Another of these persistent ideas in this fandom is that Isak is a pampered, spoiled brat who gets everything done for him when he stamps his feet petulantly.  This Isak has an Even who falls over himself to do everything for him and to whom his petulance is an endearing trait.  I touched on some of this in my previous meta, but there are some other things to note.  Most prominently, that Isak has been looking out for his own well being for a very long time.  During season one, his father leaves him at home with his clearly mentally ill mother.  This is speculation at this point, but if she’s as bad as she appears to be later on, it’s unlikely that she was capable of caring for herself and for Isak full time at this stage.  He’s likely to have had to be self sufficient at least part of this period.  It’s also worth noting that Isak left this home to live in a stranger’s basement because that seemed to be a better option to him.  How awful must it have been to live at home if that solution was ‘better’ to him!  

That other meta deals with Isak as a domestic person so I won’t do it again.  But alongside that issue is the idea that Isak is always grumpy and that Even indulges this and lets him get away with being a brat.  But is he that bratty?  I would argue that no he isn’t.  He’s grumpy and sarcastic, yes, but that doesn’t make him a brat (and let’s not get too much into the infantilization that suggests, too, since brats are usually considered to be young and childish).  Isak has a temper and can be prone to fly off the handle with little provocation, and yes in those moments Even does get very solicitous and calms him down.  But what this line of reasoning forgets is how Isak does the same for Even.  When Even gets into his funks (‘this isn’t going to work’ etc) Isak calmly and firmly shuts him down.  We also see him wrapping Even in a blanket to keep him warm and safe, we see him rescuing Even at karaoke when he gets upset.  We see Isak looking after Even emotionally at least as often as we see Even doing the same for Isak.  This is a partnership, and they are equal.  No-one is a brat or spoiled; they both support each other.

Fourth: he’s submissive and shy

Probably the most prevalent of the fandom’s ideas on Isak is this one.  But Isak is hardly shy at all and definitely not the submissive type during what we see in the show.  He’s a little wary and unsure with Even to start with because he’s probably never been in a situation where he’s been so attracted to someone else before, but he doesn’t lack confidence or assertiveness.  He’s deeply attracted to Even, in a way that makes him blushy and a bit stuttery, and yet he asks him on their second meeting to buy him some beer.  That’s not a submissive person.  He goes out of his way to find Even and he demands answers from him when he’s been seemingly flakey (‘where have you been?’ etc).  When Even comes to his home after the text exchange, Isak is the one to move forward and kiss Even.  I’m not suggesting that he’s dominant and aggressive, but he isn’t scared to go after what he wants and he’s definitely not scared to speak his mind.  That’s not just with Even, either.  He’s got a  quick wit and he loves to sting those around him, particularly when they’ve been ignorant (‘that doesn’t mean you have any more game’ and ‘I was going to ask you the same thing’ etc).  He hits Mikael for some nebulous reason and spits aggressive attacks at the homophobe on the street.  Isak is not one to sit back and let things be done to him if he has some way to retaliate.  All of this is said much more eloquently in this post, so I suggest reading that one for more detail on this point.

The one thing where this seems like a less confident Isak might be true is when he follows Even basically wherever he wants to go and when he goes very soft and pliant when he’s with Even.  However, neither of these things necessarily mean he’s submissive.  He follows Even because Even has fun, exciting, reckless ideas and Isak is always up for doing fun, exciting, reasonably reckless things.  He also has enough ideas of his own that Even often goes along with.  He suggests they go to the party at his place, and as shown before he’s the one who often initiates kissing etc.  It’s not all a one-way street.  The fact that Isak gets soft and cuddly with Even has less to do with submission and more to do with being comfortable in his own skin.  In all of these scenes he’s in a place where he feels he can be himself and be relaxed.  As the show wears on, those places he feels that way expand and it’s not just Even that he’s soft around.  The last time we see him in season three, he’s chatting to Eva.  he looks comfortable, he’s smiling, he’s genuine, and he’s relaxed.  Even is there but he’s not the one isak’s talking to.  The scenes with Sana in season 4 move further and further to a place of real comfort and ability to relax until the end when he’s comfortable enough to tell her that he got a 5 on his test, and his body language is relaxed and his smile genuine despite there being no Even in the shot.  This suggests that an Isak who is comfortable in himself and the situation is actually quite relaxed and comfortable regardless of whether Even is there or not.

Now, am I saying all this to suggest that people don’t write or headcanon this way?  No, of course not.  But I do think it’s good sometimes to sit back and examine our assumptions and realise how much of what we do is not based on what is actually presented in the show.