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#while on it. And tbh I don’t need to add more instability and depression into the brain slop when it’s just finally started working well.
alittleemo · 4 months
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#lee’s bullshit#literally ignore this im just using tumblr as my personal acne terror feedback loop for another minute#I have a derm appt tmrw w a new person and im j so scared they’re going to put me on accutane#like it’s very evident that since coming back from school my skin has looked Considerably Worse and it’s very disheartening#and my mom and sister are both advocating for accutane since it worked well in the end for my sister to clear hers up#but like. I’m genuinely terrified abt the side effects esp the mental ones bc almost everyone I’ve asked was like yeah I was way unstable#while on it. And tbh I don’t need to add more instability and depression into the brain slop when it’s just finally started working well.#and like it’s just so intense on your body as well like idk.#she also was saying it in such a shitty way I guess. Like ‘oh since ur not an athlete it won’t be as bad’ ‘ur not in the sun like me’#k im working outside in the sun on my feet for two months of the summer. what.#‘the aches won’t be as bad’ i already have chronic scoliosis pain. I don’t need to add more into that.#it’s just shitty.#but also like I was looking through old photos to see if I could track progress and 1 idk if I rlly could it’s hard I take bad photos and#2 it’s been bad since college started !#like all of my pre first year photos ?? skin is so clear. even in covid w my mask acne it looked so much better than it does now.#so it’s also disheartening to see how good it was vs is now.#and I do wish it was better obviously like im not happy w it. but also it isn’t worth all of that.#just frustrating you know. im still kinda surprised how good it was. so annoying.#like literally first move in day i noticed the jaw acne appearing and its not rlly there before then ? so idk what the deal is man. :(#anyway :( will update tmrw post appt
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moiraineswife · 8 years
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so? everyone doesn't like lucien because he tries to force feyre to go back to spring? BUt he doesn't know what the night court is actually like? everything he tells feyre about it is what he believes? so,, in his mind,, this guy this rhys is manipulating her or forcing her or ect. and he wants her safe and tamlin isn't safe but its safer than the sadistic killers he tells feyre about in tar?? and he saw how rhys treated feyre in utm - and it was noT. nice. he's just trying to help her?
Yeah?? I think people kind of...struggle seeing things from Lucien’s perspective? Feyre is their main character, concern and focus so they just...Look at things from her POV and focus on her needs and situation and don’t really...Think of anyone outside it? I don’t think the Inner Circle helps in this instance because they were, all of them, almost as instrumental in Feyre’s recovery and understanding of her abuse as Rhys was. They just consider the character’s surface actions not the context behind them (like the fact the IC are in a position to help Feyre and will face 0 negative consequences for that which...isn’t exactly what Lucien is facing here) 
And then, as you point of, Lucien doesn’t know what Rhys is like really? This is the man who has put on the public face of the High Lord persona he uses in the Court of Nightmares for years before Lucien was even born. As far as Lucien knew/was aware of he was the right hand and whore of the woman who gouged his eye out and cursed his High Lord, himself, and his people. This is also the man who held Lucien’s mind and was ready to crush it and completely strip Lucien of his self and identity. This was something that Rhys was capable of doing while Amarantha was holding a good portion of his power in thrall so it’s not really a surprise that Lucien believes Rhys is fully capable, both in terms of his powers and his morals, of manipulating Feyre, making her love him, turn her back on Tamlin for the purposes of hurting Tamlin. (because...using Feyre to hurt/use Tamlin is something Rhys has done before)  
Rhys was playing a part, yes...but it’s a part that he played extremely well and revealed to few. That has consequences. While I agree that Tamlin wildly overreacted when he went to Hybern for help the fact remains that his reasons for doing that actually comprise...pretty sound logic. Look at it from their point of view. 
 Rhys forced Feyre into a bargain UtM entitling him to take her for a week per month. He turned up to enforce this bargain during their wedding (Lucien had no idea that Feyre was panicking at this point and begging for help - he’s not a mind reader) He basically kidnaps Feyre as far as Lucien is concerned and this time she doesn’t come home...she sends them a letter but, like, what’s the more believable scenario for him? That Rhys forged said letter to taunt Tamlin or that this all powerful, malevolent, sadistic lord of night taught the young, illiterate girl how to read and write so she could send it herself? Yeah. Add to that Tamlin’s...instability and Lucien’s desperation to keep his court and his home together, plus his worry for his friend in the hands of this sadistic court who plants severed heads in their fountains for the hell of it and it’s...not entirely surprising that Lucien is fearful for Feyre’s safety and wants to bring her home (by force if necessary because she can’t see past Rhys’s influence) Rhys made this bed, frankly, in ACOTAR and in the centuries before cultivating a reputation that keeps his people safe but incredibly isolated. Lucien just seems to be the one fandom is forcing to lie in it.  
Also I feel like people focus on what Lucien didn’t do rather than what he did (and what happened to him as a result) 
Like, he’s known Tamlin...pretty much his entire life, let’s say 350 years for easy counting shall we? Tamlin took him in, gave him a place, a position of respect in his court and protects him from his sadistic murderous family. And has done so for three hundred and fifty years. Feyre on the other hand he’s known for, what? less than two years certainly at this point, she showed up after she killed and skinned one of his friends (something Lucien feels guilty about) Plus the fact that Tamlin. Is. Abusing. Him. Tamlin has been emotionally and physically abusing Lucien for centuries that kind of thing isn’t something you can just switch off and overcome for the sake of bettering someone else’s situation? If it was he’d have left that court and that influence years ago (if he even recognises the situation he’s in which is...sadly doubtful) 
And in spite of literally all of that Lucien still helps Feyre??? Repeatedly??? He’s willing to let Rhys wipe him out to protect her name (and he’s only spared because Feyre intervenes). He saves her life and is brutally whipped for it. He nearly dies alongside her in the second task because he’s someone that no-one will mourn and more importantly that no-one will help and he knows that and accepts it. He tells her not to make him pick...Not to make him pick between her, someone he’s known less than a year at this point, who killed his friend but that he’s befriended anyway and his High Lord, the man he considers a friend, the person he’s sworn to obey and the person he completely and utterly relies on for everything. And he still stands up to him. Repeatedly. Even when Feyre won’t, when she’s given up effectively Lucien pushes back again and again and again. He gets dismissed, belittled and physically harmed as a result of this. Yet he still promises to try again in spite of that. 
And guess what? Fandom saying that Lucien should do more? That he isn’t trying hard enough? That he’s sitting back letting this happen in spite of his position, in spite of his abuse, in spite of the consequences of him pushing back even a little. Lucien feels like this too. Lucien feels guilty for not doing more. 
Thoughts slammed into me, images and memories, a pattern ofthinking and feeling that was old, and clever, and sad, so endlessly sad andguilt-ridden, hopeless—Then I was back,blinking, no more than a heartbeat passing as I gaped at Lucien.His head. I hadbeen inside his head, had slid through his mentalwalls—
People, myself included, have focused on this passage as showing that Lucien is likely depressed due to his situation, that he feels ‘endlessly sad’ and hopeless which isn’t really surprising. But in this moment he also feels guilt-ridden, not just feeling a little bad or a little guilty, fully guilt-ridden. This is the moment where Feyre encourages Lucien to push back because they’re right and Tamlin is wrong and she wants him to fight for that and instead he backs down. 
And this is how he responds to the situation. He feels sad, he feels guilty and he feels hopeless. He feels guilty about not pushing back, not standing up for Feyre (not himself) but he also feels hopeless. There is nothing he can do. There is a limit to what he can do, the impact he can have and he knows that. Lucien isn’t stupid, Lucien is actually pretty damn switched on and intuitive when it comes to people and he knows Tamlin well, he knows what’s going to happen if he and Feyre keep pushing and he knows it’s not going to be pretty or pleasant for either of them. 
This isn’t laziness, this isn’t silence, this isn’t complicity (that argument genuinely disgusts me tbh) this is survival instinct. This is a person who has been trapped in this situation for a very long time and has learned when to shut his mouth for his own good. That isn’t selfish; that’s just what he’s been forced to become to survive this situation and I don’t know how anyone can truly blame him for that. 
Feyre needs help in this situation and Lucien can’t give it to her (though he tries, puts himself at risk to try for her) because Lucien needs help too. A little bit of compassion wouldn’t go amiss tbh, Lucien is suffering from PTSD and depression, is being emotionally and physically abused by someone he’s indebted to and completely relies upon....and he still tries to help Feyre. Let’s just...think about that for a minute before we start accusing him of ‘supporting Tamlin’s abuse’ please and thanks. 
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