#whipped this out in 30 mins on the bus aaa

[queerhargreeves]

Not A Hardship

TUA Pride Month, day 5: Coming out

Diego has been sitting on a thought for a while now: How did Five adjust to his identity so well? I mean, he knows that the kid read Vanya’s book. And she had the courtesy to at least use his name and pronouns in the godforsaken thing. But he must’ve looked like a complete stranger - an imposter. He was 13, forced to see his dead, transitioned sibling. Five hasn’t once slipped up on his name or pronouns since he’s been back.

TW: Slight discussion of misgendering/transphobia

Diego Hargreeves has had to “come out” many, many times throughout his life. Certainly more than most people barely out of their 20’s. He’s been out as male for 15 years now, bisexual for 10. The process of coming out certainly isn’t a one time thing: you don’t just tell people once. It’s a never ending cycle.

He’s gone through the uncomfortable coming out process to his new coworkers when he found their eyes lingering on the scars beneath his pecs a little too long to just be a passing glance. He has to come out on every first date, a little part of him terrified of the reactions to come. He's been subjected to too many ignorant, spiteful words - too many T slurs for it to get any easier. He has to disclose his identity to new doctors, hoping his extensive google research of trans friendly professionals proved to be right.

And every single time he goes through this he still experiences the heart dropping anxiety he did the first time he came out. 15 year old Diego stumbled through his words, his bangs shielding his glazed over eyes as he found solace in Klaus on his bedroom floor all those years ago.

The only sibling he hasn’t really come out to yet is the now littlest one of the bunch, Five. Diego came out two years after he disappeared. The two were never the closest as children, not like Five and Vanya or Klaus and Diego. Five was always too wrapped up in overcoming what Sir Reginald deemed plausible for him to notice much else. And Diego himself was too immersed in his own personal training and ranking to spend much energy on the boy three ranks below. The second Five disappeared however, Diego’s anger caught up to him. His brother’s disappearance then followed by his other brother’s death was the slap in the face he needed to truly realize the monster they grew up calling Dad.

But that was then and this is now. And now, they’ve avoided the end of the world. Now, they’re all living under the same roof again, relearning what it means to be a family. Because their sense of brother and sisterhood is certainly warped due to their upbringing. It meant relearning everything they thought they knew about themselves and one another.

Diego has been sitting on a thought for a while now: How did Five adjust to his identity so well? I mean, he knows that the kid read Vanya’s book. And she had the courtesy to at least use his name and pronouns in the godforsaken thing. But he must’ve looked like a complete stranger - an imposter. He was 13, forced to see his dead, transitioned sibling. Five hasn’t once slipped up on his name or pronouns since he’s been back.

And every sibling had their own adjusting period with his identity. Klaus of course was the most receptive, taking little to no time to gender him correctly. The first week though, there were a few slip ups. Allison took a few months, Ben around the same. Vanya avoided using gendered language for him for quite a while, just saying ‘Diego’ or ‘Number Two’ instead of pronouns. And Luther, well, the guy tried his best. He saw how his face fell every time he messed up, how quick he was to correct himself. And that’s all Diego could ask for really.

But Diego can’t exactly imagine that being something on Five’s priority list during his time in the apocalypse.

“Oh yeah, I’m 13 years old and I’m stuck in the goddamn end of the world right now! But let me focus on my dead sibling and uhhh not misgendering or deadnaming them. Also, how am I going to survive winter?” doesn’t quite seem all that plausible.

So Diego’s just going to ask him. Well, he’s been trying to that is. He’s been standing in front of Five’s door venturing on ten minutes now, working up the courage to just knock. They have all been trying to do that lately - communicating. They actually talk through their thoughts and problems. And so far it’s proven to be beneficial. Who knew that efficient, healthy communication actually worked?

Five swinging the door open, properly knocking the man square in the head, snaps him out of it though. He stumbles back a few steps, hand jumping straight to his forehead.

“Jesus fuck, Five!” He hisses, rubbing at his throbbing temple.

Five rolls his eyes, taking a step back in his doorway and shoving a hand in his pocket.

“Maybe you shouldn’t just stand in front of doors, Diego. I heard that’s a good method in avoiding getting hit by one.”

“I was gonna knock, dude. Maybe cool it with the violent opening?” He scowls, dropping his hand.

“I’m assuming you actually want to talk about something instead of just throwing insults? Because you and I both know we could do this all day.”

“No I,” He clears his throat, “I wanted to talk, yeah.”

Five nods and steps aside, motioning Diego to come in. He’s pleased to find his walls are no longer covered in chalk equations. They haven’t been since they found Five passed out in his room, every single wall littered with equations. He worked himself out so thin that he didn’t wake up for another three days. He’s been getting better at taking care of himself, his family always reminding him to take breaks and whatever else he needs throughout the day.

“So,” Five takes a seat at his desk chair and Diego on the mattress, “What’s on your mind?”

Diego stares at his interlocked hands in his lap, his thumb twisting at the ring on his index finger.

“I just, I never really-” He stops himself, trying to picture what he wants to say in his mind. Not purely because he’s afraid of stuttering, no. But because he’s not even quite sure how to word what he wants to say.

“Is this about you being trans?” Five finally asks after a few beats of silence, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms.

Diego looks up at the question, meeting Five’s eyes.

“Yeah, it is.”

“I just wanted to ask why, or like, how you adjusted so well I guess? It must’ve been a lot seeing me...I mean I know seeing us like that couldn’t of been easy, of course.” Diego prefaces, placing both hands out in front of him and waving them slightly,

“But I probably looked like a-a completely different person to what you knew.” His voice is noticably smaller by the end of his rambling than when he started.

Five listened patiently as Diego spoke. He sucked on his cheek in his mouth, his brows furrowed ever so slightly.  “Well, I was able to figure out it was you by the tattoo. And you were always so angry when Grace made you wear bras. It was easy to put two and two together.” He explained, waving a hand in the air and the other one still tucked.

“And as to how I adjusted? I read Vanya’s book of course. And I had to relearn the way I addressed you in my head. I worked on it for ages, adamant on gendering you correctly. Number Two, Diego Hargreeves. Brother. He/him.” Five went on, putting up a finger with each word.

“There were times I messed up of course. And I definitely was not happy with myself when I did.”

“But-”

“No Diego, I already know what you’re going to say.” Five interjects, leaning down to rest his elbows on his knees so he can stare at the man at eye-level,

“That wasn’t a hardship for me. It was important to me.  Important I gender you correctly, to give you the respect you deserve to be seen as who you are. Yes, I had a lot hard shit to deal with. But coming to terms with you being my brother certainly wasn’t one of them.”

Diego swallows, processing the weight of Five’s words. The fact that he cared that much about him, that he loved Diego enough to do that for him, spoke volumes.

“Five, I-” He stops himself, standing up and closing the space between them. Five stands up, beating Diego and wrapping his arms around the taller man’s waist. Diego smiles softly, wrapping one arm around his shoulder and the other cradling his head. He leans down and places a kiss on top of his hair, “Thank you, Five. I love you.”

Five grins, scrunching his brother’s sweater in his hands and letting out a muffled,

“I love you too, Di.”