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buffalowingsfortwo · 2 years

Text

march 16th, 2023

from faith

ashlyn,

i’ve written and rewritten this letter 7 times. this will be the 8th.

it use to be much easier to express myself to you through letters than in person, but it seems that’s changed. no boundary or words seem to capture all my emotions enough.

i’ve been listening to collide with the sky a lot, and i think of you. how it feels like you, how the chords and melodies sound like us. i think you’ll understand what i mean. when im with you, it feels differently than it use to. but not in a bad way- it feels new, like rebirth. like we aren’t the same plant from a seed planted 10 years ago, but perhaps a seed from that plant. the offspring. there’s a latin phrase by rudolf virchow to describe cell division, “omnis cellula e cellua” and it means that every cell comes from another. i feel like the phrase itself exceeds that- that there is not one if not from another and that all things are connected, the old and the new. like the seed we have now.

im going to water it, give it sun and re-pot it into the ground when its strong enough. this will be the plant i won’t kill.

there’s so much we don’t know about each other now and sometimes it feels a bit intimidating, but it soothes me to know that even with all the space that’s grown between us, you still know who i am. details, characters, milestones have come and gone but it above it all, you know me. you think words before i say them, know my stance before i take one, know my breath before my chest rises. and you aren’t trying to, maybe don’t even realize it. but you’ve known me for many lives, i suppose the atoms in your body have always recognized mine. it’s nice to know that when i find myself wondering if who i am to people is truly authentic, if anyone truly sees through whatever facade im playing, there will always be one person who always has.

you said i dont remind you of people, people remind you of me. i feel the same way- in fact i find myself chasing after those people the most so that there will always be pieces of you with me. none quite as smart, none quite as witty, definitely none as dear, but all wonderful. i hope that when you find people that remind you of me, they only harness the good parts that love and treat you kindly.

i didnt tell you, but i had played the strangers game the day before. a different version than the one we played, but still. i wanted to play with you because i felt it was a way for me to tell you about me and hear about you without the pressure of asking the questions myself. shoutout to whoever made that game- that shit was really well made. there’s still a long way to go for us but im grateful for that journey. as i’ve gotten older and in a way, more adult, i’ve realized how different friendships are now. this sounds bad, but they require more effort. when you’re not surrounded by them constantly, when you’re in different cities with different objectives, its easy to let them fade. not because you want them to, or because the input isn’t worth it, but because nothing can be maintained the same way forever, if at all. i’ve realized this even with family- when they move away your relationship with them changes even though the love doesn’t. its a sad part of growing up, a part we can adjust to but never change. that’s partially why i wanted to come see you. i realized how fate has already done its part by bringing us back to each other but its my job to make sure it stays that way.

one thing i wanted you to know when we were together, and also just in general is that you don’t have to be so cautious around me. you don’t have to be scared to ask me anything, you don’t have to hold back or wonder about how im feeling. dont have to wonder about my actions and dont have to hold onto any guilt or past things. honestly, i cant seem to rid of the guilt that lingers within me for my own actions and maybe i’ll be able to when we’re finally ready to discuss everything that’s happened, but in the meantime im trying to not let it affect the way i am with you in ways that are not productive. i want you to be yourself, fully, with me. i want you to ask me uncomfortable questions and i want you to feel free to ask about my actions. ill try my best to be transparent even when you dont, though.

for example: why it takes me so long to write. why i go through phases where i dont check this account but cant get it off my mind the entire time. i’ve always been this way with this account and i think its because im scared. i do this with lots of things; dont do homework assignments when i know the topic isn’t one i grasp, avoid my parents when i know they’ll confront me about something, hide my mess under the bed when i know i need to clean it. it doesn’t make it disappear, and most definitely is NOT out of mind regardless of how far i put it out of sight. but i think its because i’ve been scared of saying the wrong thing, or of being reminded of everything that’s happened- everything i’ve done. so if i pretend neither of us are acknowledging it, i can pretend im not failing to communicate everything i feel. even when we first made the account and i’d have these phases, it was because i was scared of the new distance college brought us and thought if i avoided telling you about all the new ways my life had changed, maybe time could freeze where i left it. even when i knew things were getting worse the longer i neglected it, thought constantly about how unfair that was to you, i told myself that maybe the more i denied it the less true it would be. but not all confrontations are bad, and most are necessary. that’s something i need to work on, something i will work on.

i wasn’t sure what day this would be ready for you, but isn’t it ironic that its a thursday?

“i was scared to say love, what was i so afraid of?

future looking so bright, head be feeling so light”

- angel by lexa gates

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