#with unaddressed alcohol problems i might add

[nicollekidman]

not that i'm happy about the ending (fuck that divorcee cope strategy from jsuds) but ted still has a young son who's struggling with his dad moving halfway across the world i can't imagine ted making a better choice...

rebecca literally had a ten point plan as to how it could’ve worked like. i get that people are like “what did you want him to do, abandon his son???” but also like tbh having your dad leave a group of people you also loved, and a sport you loved rooting for him in, to go back to your mom who just was dating someone else to have his whole life revolve around you is like. it’s own burden. like sorry but they were all fine with him leaving them to give michelle space so idk why the only thing that would’ve made ted a Good Dad to his son was following his shitty mom’s guilt trip back to the place he was in before the show started. and also like. henry isn’t a real kid. the hi is a narrative consideration and not a “is this child being taken care of 🥺” problem.

also AGAIN this is a problem with the writing and the showing not telling because???? we are never once given an indication that henry is lacking ANYTHING or struggling at all with ted gone!!!!!! when he visits, he’s engaged, he’s with the team, he’s having a ball. they facetime regularly. ted is going to parent teacher conferences. henry is using ted’s advice to resolve conflicts at school. henry is always answering the phone and happy to talk to ted. i understand that IN REAL LIFE kids can put on a happy face when they’re suffering but in this show??? narratively???? we have only seen henry very active and engaged and happy, and he has never asked ted to come home or insinuated he resented ted. the first inkling of that came from his mother, who spent her entire appearance dodging responsibility for her own actions and trying to get ted back with kansas. if they wanted ted to Go Back To His Son To Raise Him Right then that should’ve been an emotional and plot through line of (at least) this season, instead of ted obsessing over michelle’s boyfriend to the point that he’s leaving henry alone at the pub with beard to wallow. tbh. at most ted says “i miss my kid” and that’s the end of it. so really like. it feels like a lazy way to get ted out of there and end it and keep ted a good guy.

[depths-of-hope-and-despair]

Retrospect

Not altering her typical nightly routine, Aditi found herself clutching onto one of her empty glass bottles by the end of the evening. Thankfully, she made it back to her room before finally closing her eyes, in hopes of a good night’s rest. Her last thought was that she would end up in the same office once again.

And wouldn’t she know it, she actually returned into the very same office, seated on the very same chair, with the very same man expecting her visit this time, smiling widely as he arched his back like a cat, basically buzzing as he greeted her: “Ah, if it isn’t Aditi. Back already, you just couldn’t get enough of me the last time.” He chuckled, leaning back in his chair and opening a notebook, scribbling in it as he continued. “Not that I can blame you, of course. I also have been looking forward to our....reunion.”

He slid the notebook aside, instead focusing on her again and asking: “How was your day? Did you follow my advice or were you not ready yet? Have you read any good books lately?” Typical therapist talk, though there was something about it. He didn’t break eye contact, just like last time, but this time he seemed more prepared.

Aditi blinked rapidly to take in the vision before her, not believing her eyes at first. Why was she back here? Her dreams rarely repeat. What is this? Her confusion turned to annoyance quickly, growling at the man in front of her, already unhappy with his presence. “Is this some kind of joke?” She spat, looking around the room for the sign of any change in scenery. “I try to drown my sorrows with alcohol to sleep peacefully for once, and I’m sent back here. Wonderful...” She grumbles.

Her gaze narrowed again at his questions. “It has been one night. I am not a speed-reader, I prefer to take my time and enjoy books. As for your advice, yes. I did open up to one of my roommates. Which wasn’t very successful, due to her having no emotional intelligence whatsoever.” She couldn’t help but pout that time, actually angry her attempt to open up took a backseat. “What on earth could you possibly have for me now? What else do you want to know?” She asked, guarded and standoffish.

“Magnificent! I see we are already making great progress, good job!” He remained calm, not caring about Aditi’s anger in the slightest, merely jotting something down in the notebook as he continued: “It is an important first step to take the courage and open up to someone. It is great for coping and you have more support that can help you direct your focus away from the past.”

The fact he practically ignored her seething anger only fueled it to new heights. “Your “step forward,” got me nowhere, aside from being judged.” She hissed, her hands gripping the table hard enough to leave small indents with her claws.

“Quite the opposite, Aditi.” He reassured her, observing her denting the table, the wood basically regenerating itself after a few seconds, elaborating: “How would you feel, if someone suddenly revealed something deeply upsetting to you? Maybe your friend was caught off guard. I’m sure they will react differently tomorrow, when they have time to digest the information. You said they lacked emotional intelligence. So it takes longer to compute.”

“You have an answer for everything, don’t you?” Her bright eyes shined through the dark, staring straight through him with an unreasonable amount of annoyance.

He chuckled, looking up at her, intense eyes almost glowing in the blue light. “I can get you something to drink if you want, but therapy usually takes more than one session. Granted, most people only need one session from me.” His laughter was darker this time, more sinister, but before Aditi could question him, he procured two pieces of paper and two pens.

“For our session today, I thought we would make the pictures ourselves. Who needs Rorschach anyway.” He spoke lightheartedly, sliding a paper and pen across so Aditi could take it, explaining: “It is easy, really. We all have something that causes us grief. Just let your thoughts wander and draw what’s currently haunting you on the paper. I will do it too, since you seem to like it when I participate.”

Aditi scowled down at the blank thin canvas offered to her. What causes her grief? What kind of therapist needs to know that? Did he believe he could make her grief subside by talking about it? Ridiculous. However, she knew the dream wouldn’t end unless she played along sadly. Disgruntled, Aditi picked up the pencil and paper and began to draw. She drew three sketches that immediately came to mind when associating with grief.

The three sketches she slide over to him, were; a sketch of a boy with spiky hair and wearing a button up shirt and tie with a smile, a sketch of her own clawed hand, and lastly, a sketch of a woman with short hair, cat pins in her hair, and broken arm. She too was smiling. She tapped her foot impatiently while awaiting his own paper and the questions to come.

He merely smiled, unfazed by her impatience, turning to his own paper and beginning to scribble. His artistic talent came fully to shine, taking a few minutes longer than her as he drew like a madman. He handed Aditi his paper, revealing a small picture. It showed a man with black hair that was parted in the middle, he looked similar to Albert, trying to get away from a group of horrific looking creatures and a man, only a big, toothy smile visible.

As sneaky as ever, Aditi grabbed his paper quickly, eyes glancing over it and firing her question off before him. “Who is this? Why does he look similar to you?” She questioned.

“He is my arch nemesis. We met during college. He....doesn’t have it easy at the moment. Someone wants him dead and almost succeeded, he disappeared for a few months. I am concerned he will meet an untimely demise.....” He sounded like he wanted to add something to that, but he already said enough. He was just a dream after all.

“And that brings you grief... why exactly?” Aditi asked, one of her claws carefully tracing the sketch under her palm. “You say he is your worst enemy, yet you feel grief at the thought of his demise? Do you worry you’ll be bored once he’s gone and nobody will challenge you? Or is it.. something else?” She inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s....complicated...” He responded, sighing into his hands as he contemplated whether he should tell her or not. He decided with a more simplified version: “He...challenges me in a way I have never seen with anyone else before. In university we raced to be the best in our class and he pushed me to great heights. Without him, I feel....bored. Nothing presents a challenge anymore. What fun is it to be at the top without someone you can watch squirm at their defeat?” He chuckled at the thought, reveling in the thought that he won in college against Vincent, even if their rivalry wasn’t the reason for his concern. It was… something else entirely. “Enough about me, dear. It’s your turn.” He held his hand out expectedly.

Begrudgingly, Aditi handed over the paper, watching him study the little scribbles closely before he wondered: “Who are they? A friend? Or a relative?” He seemed oddly off-put when he said relative, not even questioning if Aditi hurt them. He already knew she did.

Her expression flattened. Not deflating with depression, more so turning into a forced neutral gaze. “The male is one of my partners. The female is... my sister. A relative, yes.” She explained.

He studied the drawings a little closer, squinting and nodding to himself. “I see. Something bad must have happened if it causes you so much grief. Did you get in an argument with your relative and your partner got hurt in the process?” He traced the lines with his maybe gloved hand before putting the paper back down, looking back up at Aditi.

The tall girl sighed at him requesting an elaboration from her. “My partner, he... I was fated to kill him and be the successor to his legacy. Of despair, that is. The later years of my life, when he rebelled and chose hope, I was taught to hate him for betraying us. And now, look where we are. How can I be certain he loves me? Or that he is only toying with me to keep himself safe? How could you love someone who was destined to be your enemy? I don’t understand how he can choose. I understand Lucy. She found me, and I am grateful for her existence to no end. She means a great deal to me, and I would do anything to protect her. I feel the same about him. Yet... there is always the doubt in my mind. That he can’t love me. That he would be better off alone.”

“Just because he chose hope over despair doesn’t mean that he cannot love you. One doesn’t exclude the other.” His gaze softened a bit as he continued: “Your concerns are valid and you are not stupid for having these doubts, but if you ask me, you should seek conversation with him. At the end of the day, I’m just a therapist, and not a mind reader. All I can do is reassure you and encourage communication.” He grabbed his pen and drew a heart around the three of them, showing it to her: “See? It’s not as difficult as you think it is. Sometimes life seems like rocket science, but really, it’s just a quick skip over the river. You just need to take the offered hand.”

At this advice, she sunk into her chair and huffed. “.. It feels impossible to communicate how I feel to him without hurting his feelings. I fear, should I say anything wrong, he’ll blame himself. I pick my words carefully, but, there is no use tiptoeing through a minefield, is there? At times, it... feels better to be silent. To not make the problem worse. It’s... difficult to understand why anyone would choose me. Truly, their standards for beauty must be low.” She tucked a hair behind her ear and frowned at the ground.

He nodded at her doubts about the relationship, admitting to her: “I don’t think that silencing the problem away is going to help. You may not hurt him at the moment, but you are hurting yourself that way. If you leave these doubts unaddressed, they might be the reason the relationship will fall apart. Even if it hurts for a moment, I’m sure he will understand. It is a roadblock you need to work past. You are an intelligent and beautiful young woman, I’m sure both of them are willing to work with you for you.” He tapped his pen against the sketch of the three of them, surrounded by the heart again, inquiring: “Don’t let your doubts, or your pride, get the best of you. You might regret it in the end.”

“... I suppose. I don’t want it to fester forever, but I also don’t want to blurt out my own worries during an awful time. Timing does matter, I believe.” She sighed with a frowning, knowing he was right but unable to fully vocalize it outside of a slight nod. “.. I will talk to him. In the future. I will.” She promised to herself and him all the same.

“Now. About your sister.” He folded his hands together, resting his chin atop them as he leaned forward to listen.

She paused to inhale before speaking. “My sister has never liked me. We had opposing views from a young age. Our...” She swallowed trying to hide the contempt she held or having to use this word. “... mother. Our mother pitied us against one another frequently, to build our competitive spirits. She wanted a life she couldn’t have. I only wanted her to stay safe.” Simplifying their story into a normal family felt so strange. She was stubborn about not telling this man everything just yet. Dancing around the details would be fine for now. “She was reckless. I saved her from danger, took the blame for her idiotic decisions, and showed her everything I knew. Yet it.. was never enough. She never wanted anything to do with me. Mother treated her differently as well. Gave her... things I wasn’t allowed to enjoy myself. I grew jealous because of that. Between her taking my efforts for granted and my own jealousy, I came to resent her, sadly.” Her eyes looked to the side, clearly unhappy with this fact. She didn’t want to hate her own sister. She was the closest she had to someone who understood her own strife. Why did they have to be enemies? Was it her own fault? Was it Trifle’s? Both of theirs? Or was it all to blame on Celia? Would blaming anyone even fix the problem at all...?

He listened patiently when she revealed her concerns about her family. For a moment, just a moment, he felt a connection. It made him shiver, but he quickly disguised it as an arm movement. He had this weird feeling yesterday too. He should look into this more. But for now he needed to offer some advice. “So your sister got preferred to you by your abusive parental figure?” He tried to sum it up, humming and tapping the pen against his palm. “Maybe....try to see things from her perspective? I understand you wanted to protect her, but maybe she didn’t see it like that at all? Think about her character in comparison to yours and what your attempts at protecting her might have looked like from her perspective. And, if you find something....maybe try to contact her and apologize? I know, I know, it doesn’t fix anything that happened, those memories will always remain....but it is not only to clear your conscience, but also to show her that you changed. That you realize your past flaws. Try to explain yourself, how you feel jealousy over everything she had that you were denied. Try to explain your perspective too. Maybe she will understand it. Maybe she won’t. But at the very least you tried and got it off your chest.”

“I never.... said... she was abusive..? My mother.. I mean.” Aditi spoke of her confusion before being able to filter the words coming out. Realizing she had let out her doubts, only made her surrender more information. Was there any use in hiding it? He’s inside my head. He likely already knows. This “therapy session,” is only fun and games for him. “... Captor. She wasn’t my mother. She was my captor. My birth mother died when I was very young. My birth father likely doesn’t know I exist, since he never reared his face in my life. My captor raised me. Celia, is her name. My sister... isn’t blood related. I don’t.. have a family. I never have.” She admitted, frown noticeably turning less forced and more genuinely sad. “Trifle,'' is my sister’s name. She wanted freedom. I wanted her to keep her head down and survive. We had different priorities. I hate..” She took a deep breath, shuddering on the way out. “I hate her. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to hate her. But, every time I see her I- hah... she’s everything I’m not. I feel like a child again when I look at her. I feel helpless to my own emotions. It makes me feel... weak. So, I... I don’t look at her anymore.”

“Ah, so she wasn’t your mother after all, and she is not your blood relative. You were....all her prisoners, do I understand that right?” Now he had a better picture of the situation, thinking about it for a moment. “It is a difficult situation you are going through, and it probably always will be, but please trust me when I tell you, that it is okay to feel resentment. When you see her, all you can think about is what she had and what you hadn’t, right? ....I think you should take your time with this. Maybe tell her or write to her that you need some time away from here if you and her see each other often and just...take your time. It is okay to feel resentment, it is okay to carry that resentment for years, but you must also not forget that you are not there anymore. You have a place of your own, and you have acquaintances and you have a relationship” He smiled, tilting his head lightly as he assured her: “You are not alone. And things will get better. We will take it one step at a time, alright?”

The advice centering her family affairs seemed to catch her off guard. All her life, by everyone she confided in about Trifle, she was told her resentment wasn’t valid. She was wrong for hating her sister so adamantly. Trifle didn’t deserve it. She was a victim too. Never mind that Aditi was treated worse on purpose. Poor Trifle would never hurt a fly, and Aditi was cruel to her, so she must be in the wrong, right? She was the villain, like always. Everyone invalidating her only grew her hatred more, towards her sister and herself. It felt strange looking someone in the eyes, who thought she wasn’t entirely at fault. She couldn’t seem to find the words. What was there to say? The fact someone finally understood filled her with relief and tons of sadness on top of it. She barely knew him, and he understood her side more than anyone else did. It was pathetic, but gratifying, all in one. “... We? What do you mean? You intend to keep coming back to my dreams?” She felt herself smile for once. “You’d miss me too much? Heh..”

“Yes, Aditi, I just don’t know how to continue without my favourite hostile patient by my side, we are essentially best friends now!” He chuckled, he had no malice in his voice. He was just joking, thankfully, starting to chuckle to himself as he leaned forward, commenting: “I can tell you have taken a liking to me too, considering all the information you share with me.” He had a little smile on his face, a mixture of smug and happy, enjoying that he finally got through her walls. At least a little.

That description of her family life made him furrow his eyebrows though. Could she be...? No, this wasn’t possible, was it? He didn’t know, it could be her. But there were so many people with the same story. Did her find her? After all those years? “Aditi, would you mind answering me a question? You can always decline of course.” He cleared his throat, getting a little nervous as he asked: “Are you....did you have a name before your current name? You were ‘adopted’, weren’t you?” He just....needed to make sure....

Hearing his question, one of her hands reached up to toy with her midnight hair. “Yes. I’ve had three names in my lifetime. Aditi is my chosen name. Oddity was the one my captor gave me. My birth name was Orabelle.” She explained, tilting her head to the side curiously. “Why do you ask?”

When she said her name, he dropped the pen he had still been holding in one hand, his face morphing and making it look like he just invented a brand new emotion. He muttered something under his breath, hand starting to erratically grab the pen and write something in the notebook, calming himself down in a matter of seconds. “....I’m sorry Aditi. but I cannot tell you yet....I will eventually though, I promise....” And he meant it.

A weird noise echoed through the office, like a cuckoo-clock that was being tortured and Albert sighed, the disappointment heavy on his face. “It seems like this is the end of our session. How unfortunate.” His lips quirked up to a gentle smile, his two fangs poking out from his upper lip again as he ended their conversation with: “I hope we can see each other again very soon.”

Aditi watched his responses to her comments, mouth twitching to a smile when she felt needed. The reaction to her name caught her attention most, of course. When he dropped the pen, her smile dropped with it, back into a curious frown with her eyebrows knit. As he promised to inform her of it later, her mouth opened to protest but was once again cut off by the strange sound. “What do you m-?” She began, but as soon as the words left her, she jolted back to reality, waking up in a cold sweat like before.

[asocier]

          this post is going to be long, but i’d appreciate it if you could at least give it a skim if you’re interested in interacting with me, particularly if you want to interact with nate and cedric but don’t know how to or if you want to develop meaningful relationships with my muses ( re: sexually intimate relationships )

edit: fixed my wording on the last statement since i mostly talk about sexual relationships in the last part of my post rather than general meaningful relationships. 

CEDRIC AND NATE

tl;dr: nate and cedric, while you can’t overlook what they’ve done to alison, are still muses with their own personalities beyond their actions, and i want to play with that more instead of making them out to be purely antagonistic because it’s more complicated than that. if you didn’t know about what they did to alison, nate and cedric have the potential to be approachable, and i want to emphasize their personal traits that make them just normal guys to stop making them out to be the villains because you really wouldn’t have known what they had done in high school if you met them after the fact.  

...

i think about what to do about nate and cedric a lot. sometimes i feel like i should take them off the blog because they don’t garner enough interest and also because i don’t have very much muse for them. after some thought, i realize that why i might not have much muse for them is because i’ve reduced them down to a few basic personality traits, and that’s really boring for me. i forget that they’re so much more complex, and me simply reducing nate down to being overly aggressive, crass, rude, and a fuckboy and cedric down to being stuck up and bratty and also a fuckboy really limits what i can do with them. 

these traits are indeed at the core of who nate and cedric are, but i really feel like i’ve made these traits all of who they are when there’s so much more to them, and i think that makes them kind of unapproachable and flat as muses. don’t get me wrong, i’m not trying to overlook the fact that they’re assholes who did terrible things to both alison and emile, like in no shape or form do i condone their actions. but i feel like sometimes i forget that nate and cedric aren’t such caricatures of their bad traits and also aren’t as sexual as i make them out to be in my head and sometimes in conversation with other muns?

like i make nate out to be someone who will pick a fight all the time, will curse you out all the time, will drink all the time —yeah he does all these things, but in a natural setting where he’s not provoked, nate actually does not give a fuck? like if he doesn’t think you’re worth fighting, isn’t agitated, or doesn’t have the energy ( which is often because he is quite low energy most of the time ) he will literally shrug, say “okay” in a monotone voice and walk away. he is low maintenance in every sense of the word. he just wants to eat like shit, have an inconsistent sleep cycle, and make music. he doesn’t have the energy for other people usually, and when he does, like when he’s clubbing, partying, dj-ing, socializing and sleeping around, it’s charisma and energy he pulls out of his ass to put on a persona to make people like him so he can forget about his life problems. sometimes it’s fueled by alcohol and party drugs. it’s all temporary though before he goes back to his usual lazy ways.

with cedric, yes he’s snarky, he’s snobby, he thinks he’s better than you, he’s rich, and already kind of unrelatable and unapproachable, but he’s actually a big closeted nerd. he reads, he wears glasses ( but refuses to let people know that so you’ll most likely only see him in contact ), he can cook but he fucks up all the time and always cuts himself in the kitchen, he loves historical sites and architecture of other nations, and yeah he’s a bartender but he actually drinks a lot of coffee over alcohol. he hates cats but loves dogs, he has a business degree and wants to start a small business soon.

all in all, i wanted to write this all out for myself and also for you all to understand what my thought process is with them and how cedric and nate really are since these aren’t things you’d get from the bio. you’d really need to interact with them or plot with me to learn these things. 

SMUT ON THIS BLOG

tl;dr: smut is allowed, but i’d prefer to not write smut with cedric and nate unless i really dig a ship or think it adds to a plot. i’m not a fan of plotless smut with them since it’s not interesting for me. it’s more interesting for me to write smut with alison or emile because their views on sex is so much more complicated, and a smut thread with them has more potential to lead to something more. plotless smut is even interesting for alison and emile because it lets me explore the nuances of their sexuality whereas i don’t really get to do that with cedric and nate since they’re already secure with their sexualities. also, i want more plots that explore alison’s sexuality in high school and her time as a sex worker since that’s pivotal to her character, but i also want to respect people’s comfort. 

...

yes. yes, this is something i want to do on this blog, but with one big caveat. i’ve thought about this a lot too, and it kind of goes along with how i’ve reduced nate and cedric to be real big fuckboys. i mean, yes, they are, but also, i don’t want every interaction with them to be smut. i don’t want every interaction with them to be flirty, sexually charged, sensual. in fact, i don’t want to smut with them. that isn’t to say that sexual interactions can’t happen -- our muses can hook up, but i’d prefer not to write it out with cedric and nate unless it adds to the plot or unless i’m just really feeling the ship because it’s not really what i’m interested in on this blog.

what i am interested in are the sexual relationships of alison and emile.  alison and emile have very distinct, very complex views about sex, and to be sexually active and intimate with another muse isn’t just like, a one time thing with no consequences like how it might be with cedric or nate ( e.g. one night stands, a smut thread with no plot, just pure horny ) -- sex is taboo for them, and it takes so much vulnerability and trust for them to be intimate, especially emile when he’s with a male partner. alison has her own unaddressed trauma surrounding sex, especially with men, and she can’t have sex normally and right away when just meeting someone because her body will not let her and it will hurt. it takes effort to have emile and alison be willing to be intimate with another muse, and i want people to make that effort and to really develop a relationship with them. 

additionally, i want to explore alison’s sexuality during her time in high school and post high school when she was being prostituted. this was a period of time where alison’s understanding of consent, kinks, fetishes, and her own sexuality ( sexual orientation, romantic orientation, what her own likes/dislikes are ) begin to form and get warped due to the inconsistent treatment she got from clients and her boyfriends. i know not every muse would spend a night with a sex worker, and muns might not be comfortable with such a thing either, which i respect. i just want to put that out there since this time period is so pivotal for alison’s development and i rarely get the chance to explore such a side to her character.

if you made it this far and actually read it all or skimmed it, thank you so much! i really appreciate you taking the time to do that since i want my rp partners to understand what my intentions are behind this blog. i want interactions, but i also know it takes communication, and i’m trying my best to be more transparent about my thoughts on this blog.