#word vomit and yet!!! nothing i said even BEGINS to describe what im feeling

[blooming-cecilia]

5 am feeling emotional over venti out of nowhere thinking about how good and kind and loving and full of hope he is and how every action of his expresses that and how he always encourages peace and love and happiness and it sounds cheesy as shit but dear god i would not have him any other way and i am so glad and happy he is the way he is and he brings me hope and happiness and makes me feel at ease and looking at him makes me feel like everything is okay and im actually literally close to tears and i love him very much

[kast43]

How The Arcana Characters treat a Sick MC

[I kinda got bored and felt like writing some DONT SUE ME...feedback much appreciated btw :D]

+Asra+ -He would be on his way back home from a trip -lets call it...shared empathy 😉 -Asra himself had felt quite sluggish for a few days now, but could not determine what it was. -No fever, no nausea, muscles sore? -He opened the door to the shop, "MC I am home!" He called. -Saw MC about dosed off on the work table when they suddenly shot up. "Oh, welcome back! How was your trip?" MC asked. -Frankly Asra would instantly worry hearing the fatigue in their voice [ya know...does not want a repeat] -Without much words Asra came up to MC and took their face in his hands. -MC was burning up! -"MC, are you feeling well? You have a fever..." Asra slid one hand down to there shoulder. -Asra carefully studied MC...especially their eyes as the responded. -"oh...its nothing. I am just a bit tired is all. We got a little busy while you were away..." -if guilt could stab someone, Asra would have been stabbed in the heart. -"MC, you really should not take on more than you can handle." Asra would then realize why he felt sluggish for days. "...have you gotten any sleep?" -MC just gave a sheepish smile "Yes~" they responded...or lied. -Asra was in the perfect balance of panic, worry, guilt and frustration. -"why did you open the shop? You need to get some rest." Asra stated, now beginning to guide MC up to the bedroom. -"Im fine i swear!" MC began to protest until they suddenly stopped to hold the counter, loosing balance. -"...have you eatten today?" Asra asked knowing the answer already. -Again with the sheepish grin, "i might have forgotten..." -this was the last straw for Asra, how could he allow MC to take such poor care of themselves. -"the shop is going to be closed today. You are going to get some rest. I wont take no for an answer" he stated, almost picking MC up. -if he succeeded then he would feel MC go softly limp in his arms. "I...but...there is still too much to do..." was all the protest MC could muster up. -"it can all wait, your health comes first..." he stated softly as he carried MC to bed. -he offered to make his special sleep aid tea, even went to go get some fresh pumpkin bread to go with it. -as stubborn as MC is, they really could not argue with Asra, just accepted and took on some paperwork when he was not paying attention -Asra knew this...made the tea a bit strong. -in the time that Asra watched MC finish her tea and bread, walk down to lock up the shop and come back, MC had passed out. -Asra took all of the "hidden" paper work and set it to the side, but not his worry. -if available he called Julian. -Julian eased his mind, was not the plague. -MC just worked themselves into severe fatigue. -Asra was so relieved and yet he felt guilty for leaving MC like this. -looks like Julian helped himself to the tea. -Julian is now passed out on the couch, Asra shrugs. It probably was for the better. -when MC finally woke up, Asra had made their favorite meal so they would eat. -MC got a good laugh when seeing Julian on the couch, now sprawled out. -when Asra nursed MC back to health he would promise to never leave them alone again. -if he had to go out, he would take MC with him. Even to the store. -Asra just wants MC to take better care of themselves,  and will become fiercely protective of that for the rest of his life.

×Julian× -being a doctor he would have noticed small signs right away. -MC suddenly didn't feel like eating. -strike 1 -it was the night of the week they took a date to the Rowdy Raven. -MC didn't really want to go, felt too tired to go. -strike 2 buddy -however MC was oddly persistent in Julian going...alone. -"you have had a rough week, and you have been looking forward to this" mc said -"darling you have been working hard this week also. If anyone needs a release it would be you" Julian replied. -after much debate Julian said he would go to please MC. -he did go, but after about an hour or so he didn't feel 'it'. -no matter how many salty bitters he drank there was still a chunk of his night missing. -he would staggerly head back home, excited to be reunited with the love of his life. -"DID YOU MISS ME DARLING? I MISSED YOU" he drunkenly declared -odd, MC was not in bed...or in the living room...the hunt begins. -he froze when he heard a familiar sound of vomiting coming from the kitchen. -surely MC didn't ditch him to work more? -he staggered to the kitchen and saw MC hunched over the sink. [Lets say they tried to eat and it suddenly came back up?] -does not matter how many bitters this man had, he sobered up immediately and practically ran to MC. -Julian went to aid the best he could, holding MC's hair, rubbing their back, ect. -MC is mortified, they didn't want to be seen like this, especially in front of Julian. -"my dearest MC I see this all the time. The one who should be ashamed is me for not noticing sooner." -after MC was sure they were finished vomiting, Julian carried [yes, as dramatic as he could be] MC to bed. -Julian would refuse to leave MC's side the entire time they had the flu. -need a bucket? He had one ready. -needed to go to the bathroom? He carried them. -if not for the crow summoning Portia he probably would not eat if MC didn't. -MC would refuse cuddles, sad Julian is sad. -"you are gonna get sick too" -"i happen to know that the only cure for flu is cuddles" -"...not leeches?" -"surprisingly not...didn't work well last time i tried that" -Small conversation cheered MC up. -Portia dragged Julian away while MC slept so he could eat and sleep himself...unwillingly of course -eventually MC would be on the road to recovery -Julian asked for some famous home made soup from Mazelinka...for MC of course. -because of all the rejected cuddles it would not be surprising if Julian ended up with the flu next -that’s when MC repaid all the love and care given to them...minus the cuddle attempts... -Julian would no doubt enjoy cuddles -can you say never ending flu? -Poor Portia taking care of 2 sick idiots forever [jk MC is not that dumb]

=Nadia= -lets be honest, Nadia probably knew MC was sick before they did. -one morning Nadia woke up around the same time she always did. -always before MC, but not like this. -something was off and Nadia knew the moment she sat down for breakfast. -would send Portia to wake MC as usual... -Portia came back with an odd look -"Mistress, I think MC is a bit under the weather..." -"What makes you think that?" Nadia asked...as if she didn't know -"Well, they look...rough. I mean a touch pale...dark circles under their eyes" Portia mimicked as she spoke “When I left the room I heard them coughing too” -Nadia nodded -Big sneeze coming From down the hall -as if on Que, here comes MC, just as described. -"Good morning " MC spoke, voice very nasally. -Sniffles, hard for Nadia to not find it adorable -MC sat down next to Nadia, rubbing her temple -Nadia recognized that gesture -"MC, are you feeling alright?" -"yeah, just didn't sleep well last night" MC tried to lie, Nadia knew better -turns away to cough -"seems more than that" Nadia stated while placing her hand on MC's forehead. -as expected, a fever. -Nadia slid closer to MC "MC dear why don’t you take the day off...get some rest." -we all know that was in fact not a question, nor a suggestion. -"i cant do that, i have to help you with the dinner" -as if by coincidence the both of them had been planning a big family/friends dinner...being held tonight -Nadia felt partly to blame for putting stress on MC, causing this -"do you think anyone wants you to go to dinner if you are sick?" -"well....no..i guess not-" sneeze, sniff "but you don't need to take this on your own. Let me help..." -"you can help me by going back to bed." -"Nadia...its just a cold i have worked through much worse" -this was Nadia's trigger -"what you have done in the past is behind you. You are my partner now...there is absolutely no need for you to be working under stress.." Nadia stood, coming even closer to MC - Nadia's intimidation tactics too strong for the weak and frail MC -"if it will ease your mind..." Nadia took up MC's arm and began to guide MC to her chambers "I will enlist some help." -MC was personally tucked into Nadia's bed, very little protest. -with a kiss to on the forehead MC finally felt relaxed enough to close their eyes

-”If you need help, please come and get me” MC asked

-”That won’t be necessary, love” Nadia responded

-"...don’t stress yourself out either, or you will get sick too" -Nadia felt so warm hearing MC give their blessing. -Summons both Julian and Asra to the palace, between them and Portia they knock out all the preparations needed -Julian would check MC every now and then, Asra also would share tea with them while the day drew long -Not surprisingly MC's most frequent visitor was Nadia. -Nadia would come up for a moments rest, to ask for a small opinions, or just to see them. -Nadia would make MC her first priority, no matter what -eventually the time would come for the dinner, Nadia cleaned herself up and MC wished her luck. -hours later, late into the night Nadia could not go back to her chambers fast enough...MC had not made a request from Nadia or Portia the entire time so she was a bit worried. -Came into the room to see MC had been asleep, tea cup half finished next to them -Nadia spent a moment just watching MC sleep peacefully before finally hopping into bed with them, Nadia got to be the big spoon -MC's fever was bad, but they were so warm...Nadia fell right to sleep after -the next day was defiantly a 'sick day' for the both of them *wink*

<Muriel> -oh boy [this just seems mean 😢] -[i go easy i swear] -Being that living life off the land can be hard at times...MC would often go too hard. -Muriel would see it, but he knew MC was very independent. A quality he admired -until today -he was careful not to wake MC because they had been working so hard -goes out to get fire wood, comes back to see MC woke up -"sorry...did i wake you?" He asked as he went to set the fire wood down...no response -he looked up to MC to see she was still rubbing the sleep out of their eyes but...more than usual. -"no...i just...my eyes feel like they are burning..." continues to itch. -bless this poor boy, scares easily when it comes to things like this -gets up and goes to MC, takes their hands away from their eyes -"let me see..." he already sees their eyes are puffy and swollen. -mc tried to open them...struggle. -a slow panic sets in -Muriel guides MC to a stream to wash their face -when finally able to open their eyes, he panics more -beet red, swollen eyes look back at him -"...whats wrong?" Goes to scratch more -pANIC -quickly picks MC up and runs to the magic shop -shows Asra....PANIC -calls Julian...MC is so confused -"thankfully, not the plague...looks like a standard case of pink eye to me...MC, do you know of anything that might have caused this??" -MC had to think...wait.... -"oh...the other day i did manage to get some dirt caught in my eye...it was after we cleaned out the birds nest from the chimney" -"been itching this whole time?" -".....yes?" -Muriel didn't know who to be upset with more -himself because he let MC get sick -or MC for not being more careful -Asra made some medicine and cream for treatment -Julian put on a thick blindfold to stop itching -at first Muriel didnt want to take MC back, might make it worse -MC insisted on going -ever see a large man hold a small magicians hand to guide them home? -eventually they get back home -Muriel forces MC to stay put in bed until they were better -"MC, you have to stop itching or you won’t heal" -"but it itchessss" -Inanna would lay by MC's side, even if Muriel got upset with her -MC can’t scratch her eyes if they are petting a puppy! -muriel would have to do all of the chores...he didnt mind tho -Made her meals, gave them water when they asked -at nap time, Muriel would catch himself watching MC sleep -if MC caught him, then he turned blush red, stumbled on his words and then go outside... -"MC....I.....think I left the river running, be right back"

-MC could not see so they were just confused -secretly liked taking care of MC for once, would never admit it -eventually MC would get better -Muriel would be more protective of the chores MC does [or even allowed to]

°Portia° -Portia would have known about most things about MC -late night conversations lead to a conversation about allergies -MC had mentioned that they were allergic to some things but never told Portia exactly what -from then on Portia would pay closer attention to what was around MC -she would have never thought about bug bites -Portia was working in the palace, MC was in the garden at the cottage -Portia came back at her usual time after serving Nadia dinner -"I’m home!" Portia announced in her usual bouncy personality -MC was already in the bed, covered from head to toe -"MC? Are you cold?" Portia came up and sat beside them in bed. -"n-not exactly" they managed to pipe out, shivering a bit -Portia was a bit confused, worry edging its way in -"i don’t want to alarm you...but i think I’m having an allergic reaction.." MC came out of their covers to look at Portia -MC was sweating, eyes a bit puffy -Portia's worst fear, she had not prepared anything for this situation -"WHAT?? How? When?" Portia began to nervously pace in front of the bed. -MC laughed a bit weakly, could not help but find her panic cute -this snapped Portia out of her panic, a quick self face slap -"What do i need to do?" She asked going back to MC, determination in her eyes -"back at my shop...i have some medicine...its on the top shelf above the stove. It’s a purple vial..." -"You want me to get it? And leave you alone?" Portia did not like this plan. Why would MC leave such an important thing at home???? -"Im not alone" MC said, just then Faust popped up from her hiding place by MC's neck -"Bite" Faust popped up. -Portia didn't understand, sudden snake? was that Asra's pet or something? -Portia was not sure about this, but no time to hesitate -She ran as fast as she could to the shop. -it was unlocked?? -Thank GOD Asra was home -"MC....reaction....swelling...." she managed to communicate just enough for Asra to react. -grabbed the medicine and they both ran out the door. -by the time they got to the cottage MC was sitting upright against the bed railing -Portia quickly went to check if they were still awake while Asra went to work trying to find the source, peeling blankets back -MC was a bit surprised by the sudden coldness, but looked up with a grin at Portia, then Asra

-”Hello master...” MC sheepishly greeted Asra

-”Hello MC” Asra chuckled a bit as he worked

-”It happened again...”

-”I see that...” -"Here MC, drink this" she slowly fed the medicine to MC. -medicine worked its magic quickly, knocking MC out cold -"there it is..." Asra spoke up, showing a spot on MC's leg -Portia was a bit applauded at the swollen discolored patch on their skin -"what is that???" Portia asked surprised, yet fascinated -Asra took his hands and placed them over the area -"looks like a spider bite" he spoke as magic flowed thru his hands -"MC got bit by a spider???" Scared, she asked "is...is it poison???" -Asra shook his head calmly -"i thought they would have told you, they are allergic to some bug bites...spiders are the worst for them." -Portia was shook -She knew bugs could be poisonous but...just bites alone can take MC out??? -Asra took his hands away, bite area mostly healed, just rash-like -Asra then tucked MC into bed, gave Portia a care plan, then left promising to come back -Portia fell asleep just watching after MC sleeping -Next morning, Portia woke up for work, asked Nadia for the day off -Nadia agreed, understandingly -spent most of the day poking fun at MC -MC would be sore all over, waking up with the worst headache -Portia, as instructed, would have some pain medicine on hand -"Who would have thought that your one weakness was a spider!" she joked as she made breakfast -MC laughed, then moaned out of pain -"Sorry hun" Portia chuckled -MC would not want to eat anything, but Portia would still make sure they were hydrated -Asra would visit to drop off some potions and herbs -Asra also preformed an spell that repelled bugs from ever coming into the garden, same spell he used at the shop [without telling of course]

-Portia would just sit in the bed next to MC, keeping their spirit up with talking and playing games

-MC would let Portia read to them, soothed them into naps  -Once MC had made a full recovery Portia would limit their time in the garden....forever

~Lucio~ -[now if you think for one moment that i trust this SOB, not knowing his whole 'route' then you have another thing coming] -[there is not enough evidence to prove to me that he had redeeming qualities, HOWEVER does not mean he is incapable of caring for something other than himself]

-[is he worth redemption? who knows?] -[so....here is a loose def of a head cannon] -in a perfect world, no one around Lucio would ever get sick again -although MC broke that plague curse a while back...does not make them immune to sickness -in that same perfect world, Lucio would know how to take care of something as simple as a cold -this was not that perfect world -Since it is Lucio, he would not notice the signs, only notice MC's absence from his side -"Where is MC?" He would ask[order] a servant. -Lucio didn't get results he wanted, Melchio would trot their way to the breakfast table, nudge Lucio's leg -he would give a loving pet, but where is Mercedes? - Melchio, as if knowing, would get Lucio to follow him up to MC's bedroom -Mercedes would be sitting at the closed door, waiting for MC. -"Has MC not gotten up yet?" Lucio grumpily opened the door, without knocking. -sure enough MC would be sitting on the edge of the bed, head in hands but jumped up when Lucio busted in -"MC? You are late." Lucio announced as the dogs walked in and formed a protective circle around MC -"oh...sorry. i didn't realize the time..." MC weakly spoke, petting the dogs as they stood up -"I would hope that today of all days you would not be late." He spoke up, getting closer -see, today was the start of Masquerade! Lucio, Nadia and MC worked hard to plan this for months. [Imma just make up that Nadia is Countess and she made MC and Lucio nobles *shrug* more a reward for MC and Punishment for Lucio?] -"Right, i know" MC would smile through the fatigue and start for the closet, only to wobble a bit. -Lucio would go to catch/support MC, "What is the matter with you?" He asked in a less grumpy, more concerned tone [really only MC could tell that] -MC was warm....warmer than usual.  Like, hot...but in the wrong way. -"Oh...i uh...didn't sleep that well...i think i am coming down with something..." MC didn't want to admit it, but no way for Lucio to know unless outright telling him [a touch dense when it comes to others] -"something....like?" It didn't really occur to Lucio until a thunderous cough came out of MC’s mouth. -it finally clicks, Lucio panics not really knowing how to take care of a sickness [cant blame him, everyone who ever got sick around him he killed or died] -"Lucio? Are you okay?" MC would ask as he pretty much picks them up, throws them on the bed and runs out the door. -NADIA TO THE RESCUE -Normally a plead for help from Lucio would fall on deaf ears...but MC was sick so she let it go. -Nadia would personally visit MC and make sure they got tucked into bed, reassuring MC that they could handle the Masquerade without them -Lucio would follow like a lost puppy -whichever servant was tasked with taking care of MC [hopefully but unluckily its Portia], Lucio would follow them and at least make sure MC was treated like the Angel on Earth they were -"Is that lentil soup?? MC's favorite it tomato bisk!" -"What are you doing? How does that help?" Lucio would come across as annoying or even pressing but he was honestly trying to learn. -at some point he would be the one taking up the food/snack/medicine/drink because the servant would let him, to """ease Lucio's mind""" -He would visit....at least every 5 mins, on another planet of feelings with each visit -Visit 34 "How could you get sick on MY birthday party week??" -Visit 77 "MC listen, as long as you are not dying...then its fine" -Visit 106 "MC YOU WORKED TOO HARD NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID" -Visit 126 "MC...is....is this my fault?" -MC can't get enough sleep, but is too kind to tell Lucio to stop -THAT IS what Arsa and Julian are for! -They would not have been there if MC was not sick...otherwise avoiding Lucio like....the plague XD [okay, ill go home] -"Lucio, MC needs rest or they wont get any better" Julian face palmed as he scolded Lucio, on his way for the 178th visit -"Don't you literally have ANYTHING better to do than bother MC?" Asra spat when Lucio had his hand on the doorknob.

-To avoid any more nagging he stopped...going into the room at least -Finally it was time to start the Masquerade, so Lucio decided it was time to forget about MC and get ready to party! -Except...he could not forget about MC -From the life of the party->Quiet party goer-> sad puppy -"I wanted MC to see this...." -would eventually just wait outside MC's door most of the night -On the bright side everyone else had a blast without Lucio HAHA -Eventually just sneaks into MC’s room and stayed so no one would catch him. -"I know....I will be quiet..." he whispered to the dogs as he quietly went to the corner and sat in the armchair. -the most quiet anyone has ever seen him -Eventually MC would start to feel better...he would ask if they would go to at least 1 party room before the Masquerade was over -Hand in Hand, Lucio would parade a very tired looking MC to his favorite room -#caught by Asra, MC is taken back to room for more rest -Sad Lucio is sad -After being grounded by Asra and being forced to rest, MC would be feeling better in no time -Lucio would become more protective about what MC when it came to parties because he does not want MC to miss any more of his parties

[sweetnestor]

odlt extra #1 | a very jet lagged valentine

‘but you havent even finished odlt yet’ shuuuuttt up

idk idk!!!! i was feeling Soft and slightly lonely on v-day for god knows what reason and i just,,,,,,, vomited this out!!! here is a teeny tiny break from all the Angst that the main fic has to offer. enjoy

PREVIOUS FICS (u should read these if ur new here)(srsly this is ethan x oc)

February 2018, aka when the European tour started.

CrankGameplays: “Happy valentine’s day! You’re my favorite person and im glad i get to experience all the things with you. Love you :)”

You’d think he would post one of the many decent candid photos he’s taken of me. You know, one where my highlight was catching the light, or one where I was smiling, or one of the two of us looking disgustingly adorable. But no, Ethan went with the photo he took of me passed out on our bed in our Amsterdam hotel room, my wavy pink hair sprawled out in an ungraceful manner. I wasn’t supposed to fall asleep, nor was he. It just happened. And now my sleepy self was all over Instagram.

Ethan was just as groggy when I shook him awake. Unlike me, he was a very handsy, cuddly being when he was sleepy. He rolled onto his side and groaned in the way he would when he wanted to hold me, so I scooted into his arms and let him.

His skin was warm and weirdly soothing. We were supposed to be getting out of bed… I was supposed to be insomniac due to sheer anxiety. Time zones were out to get us. Yet somehow, it felt like the holiday itself.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” I spoke softly into his collarbone.

He squeezed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. “Did you see my picture?”

“Oh, did I.”

“I meant every word I said.”

Ah yes, that extra bit of validation. I smiled as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I had no idea what time it was, so I didn’t know how much time we had before we had to be in the lobby with everyone else.

“When’s the next time we’ll be alone a hotel room?” I asked, now looking up at Ethan.

He shrugged. “No idea. Why?”

“Do you think we’ll be able to sneak around like we did last time around?”

If he was struggling to wake up before, then my question sped up the process. He met my eyes, red tinting his cheeks. “Oh… I don’t know. Do you want to sneak around?”

“If we can,” I told him as I leaned in to kiss the crook of his neck. “If not then… we're alone now.”

That was all I had to say to make run late. Excuse: jet lag.

~

I was grumpy and tired when it was time to get up and do the tour thing all over again. I had a rough flight… or, two flights. We had stopped in London between flights, in which I had a panic attack and a case of the nervous shits while everyone else ate and tried not to fall asleep. Then, we were off to the Netherlands, where I fell asleep the second I got to the hotel. Ethan fell asleep too, but not before taking pictures of my sleeping, drooling face. I didn’t really mind that he would do that. I took my own photos of him while we were on the plane.

And that was what I posted on Instagram that morning in the shuttle on the way to the venue. I picked a selfie of me clutching a pillow to my chest on the plane ride over here. Ethan was in the seat next to me, his head tilted back as he slept. As sleep deprived and generally nervous as I was, I was seriously considering captioning the photo with something absolutely cheesy and deep. I actually started writing it out.

bellasanti: “To the guy who found me at my lowest point, who helped me get to where i am now… the person who has always been nothing but kind and wonderful since day 1. My biggest supporter and my best friend… I cant even begin to explain how lucky i am to have found you, and how proud i am of you and how far you’ve come. I love you more than words could describe 💙💖💙💖💙💖”

A small smile was etched on my face as I read the caption over and over again. I looked over at Ethan, who was practically standing as he “touched lenses” with Mark. They were both vlogging and being rather loud about it. More than a year later, and my heart still went all soft and mushy just by looking at Ethan do what he does best. Gross, I know.

Suddenly, the caption felt far too revealing. I had hit two million Instagram followers recently, plenty of which were also Ethan’s. Did I really want to expose bits and pieces of our relationship? I mean, it’s not like we interact a lot online, anyway. We liked to keep some things private. I copied the original caption, and then deleted it apart from the hearts. Then, I made the photo public. I sent the words to him in a Twitter DM instead, knowing he wouldn’t see it until much later.

He sat back down in his seat a couple minutes later, looking back at the footage he just recorded on his camera. I glanced at him once, and then continued looking through my phone.

“Love you,” I said softly and mindlessly.

He suddenly looked up, as if I didn't say that all the time, just loud enough so he could catch it. I saw him look at me through my peripherals, I could tell he was blushing.

“Love you too,” he replied, poking my cheek.

Finally, he put his camera down and pulled out his phone. Neither of us said anything more, but I was somewhat anxiously awaiting him to notice either my DM or my Instagram post. Somehow, just silently sitting next to each other while scrolling on our phones became one of my favorite pastimes.

“Aww,” he mumbled at one point.

I glanced over his shoulder once, only to see a flash of Jack and Signe on his Twitter feed. Why hadn't he seen his DMs yet? What was taking him so long?

Feeling uncharacteristically mushy, I lied my head on his shoulder. He smelled good, and he was soft and cuddly as ever. I was suddenly missing our short time alone back in the hotel room. We wouldn't be alone together until next month, and it suddenly seemed like a difficult challenge.

Last month, when the tour went West, Ethan and I did a full three sixty. Instead of angrily texting each other and crying in bathroom stalls, we were sexting and getting it on in the dressing room, the bathroom, and even once in my bunk when everyone else was asleep. It showed just how strong we had gotten over the last few months. But because of those raunchy activities from not only tour but also when we were home, I went to great lengths to make sure my birth control hadn't failed me. I didn’t have any symptoms, apart the usual anxiety nausea, but I still worked up the courage to schedule a doctor’s appointment prior to tour. So far, my uterus wasn’t occupying anything I didn’t want it to.

Ethan put his arm around me just as mindlessly as when I said I loved him. He was still scrolling on his phone, now on Instagram. This time, I saw him scroll up to my post, and he made a noise of protest.

“When did you take that?” he asked, showing me the plane selfie.

“When do you think?” I asked in response. “You have the best sleeping face.”

He chuckled. “You know you’re the only person who tells me that? Everyone else says it’s creepy.”

“I mean it is,” I said, half joking. “But you’re my boyfriend, and I always think you’re cute. Even when you sleep with your eyes half open.”

Ethan blushed and ducked his head a little. He always grew a little timid when I complimented or praised him. It was equally parts adorable and frustrating, because he never took the compliment.

“Stop,” he said softly.

“Have you checked your DMs?” I asked, unable to wait any longer.

He gave me a look and then went to open the app. “Well, what did you send me now…?” he asked in a funny voice.

I busied myself with intertwining my fingers with his. Then I kissed his hand and waited for him to read my sappy message.

“Aw…” He smiled. He was speaking very softly, like he didn't want the people sitting around us to hear. “That's real sweet… real cute…”

“I was gonna post that on Instagram, but decided that only you can hear things like that,” I replied in a voice just as soft. “And it's not just today, I feel that every day.”

“Aahhhh,” he groaned, now scooping me up in his arms.

Except, he did it in a way so my back was to his chest, and my head hung out in the walkway of the shuttle, capturing the attention of some of the people around us.

“Hey,” I said to Tyler, who was sitting in front of us.

“What’s up?” he replied casually. “Just hanging, I see?”

“Just hanging,” I repeated.

“Whatcha doing, Bella?” asked Mark from a couple of rows behind.

I turned my head and saw him with his vlogging camera. My cheeks reddened a little bit. “I’m not here by choice!”

“She said nice things and deserved hugs!” Ethan said.

“God, we’re gross,” I said under my breath before I was let go.

[thenameisbinx]

Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe. 

so let’s start it like this instead. 

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are.  Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted. 

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along. 

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.  

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff. 

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate. 

Obedient -  submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to. 

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt. 

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood. 

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid. 

Strength -  legal, logical, or moral force;  degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved. 

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman? 

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable. 

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry. 

Tired -  drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own. 

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood. 

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me. 

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime. 

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear. 

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine. 

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while. 

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew. 

blame Monday.