#writing while tired leads to so many funny typos when reading the draft the next day

[wishingfornever]

1/28/2018 – No Contact:  Return From Absence

Hey, you.  Been a while.

Four days.  It’s been so busy.  A lot of work.  It’s my day off. Sunday.  A lots been happening and I haven’t been talking about it. Last time we spoke, I was talking about my cousin.  He was found a couple of days ago.

He had a black eye, and cuts from rope around his wrists.  He was beaten, but otherwise he’s alright.  He was released by his captors with… an apology.  It would seem the people who had kidnapped him confused him with their target.  He has the same car as their target does, so that’s what confused him.  They took him, beat him, and later realized he was the wrong mark.  Then they apologized and drove him back to his house.

He’s lucky.  When I heard what happened, I laughed.

Looking back… it brought back a lot of memories about Alain.  One of my earliest memories, I was in Gasquet.  It’s a small town, near where I was born (Crescent City).  I was young and I had this… problem. I pooped a lot.  Perhaps one of the reasons I hate toilet humor today.  I was like 2 or 3?  Super young.  I think I was in preschool or kindergarten… maybe I was older then.

Not the point.

The thing is, I crapped my pants.  I didn’t want to ask my dad for help because he’d yell at me again.  He was the least patient now that I think about it.  He yelled at me a lot.  Maybe that’s why my mom was so soft on me, because my dad was just so angry.

Anyways, I was sitting on the toilet, with dirty underwear and I was already a little upset.  What do I do?  So, I just sat there feeling bad.  I hear a knock on the door.

Thing about this door.  It’s a thin door with these sort of wood vents? I recall because I could see Alain’s outline.  He was knocking on the door and trying to coarse me to open the door.  He lightened his voice, told me he was a random name from school.  I told him no one named that was at my school.

Honestly, I told him that with enthusiasm in my voice.  It was funny to me.  Got my mind off the issue at hand.

He said another name and thought he was just being silly.  He kept trying to get in and I told him I didn’t know the person behind the name.  Then he got tired and broke into the bathroom.  The door was weak and not particularly reliable, so it just opened after a while of him trying to get in.  Opened pretty easily.

Alain had a video camera and then started to film me, with dirty underwear and started mocking me.  I was devastated.  I was crying and told him to get out.  I might have tried hitting him, but I was a toddler so that was fucking useless.  I don’t think he was filming for some sort of weird, sexual fetish.  I think he was just being an asshole.

Regardless, it’s one of my earliest memories with Alain.  Not a very positive one.  I think Alain thinks I don’t remember it.  I haven’t told anyone.  ANYONE.  That’s not an exaggeration, I have literally never brought it up until now in any form.

Now that I think about it, I don’t like public bathrooms without privacy.  I don’t do urinals without dividers.  I use the actual stall if the urinals don’t have dividers.  I’m not sure if that is because of Alain, but… maybe?

Eh… I’m changing the topic.  Let’s talk about work.

Work is… meh.  Busy.  So busy.  I think I’m starting to phone it in. I’m half assing my job and not thinking twice.  Which is strange. I feel more misanthropic, of course, but I hide it well.  I hide everything well.

I’m loved, however… within the last few weeks, I’ve had… the best compliments.  “You are so nice.”  “I hope my son grows up to be just like you.”  “You’re like the best cashier ever.”  Just shit like that.  It’s weird.  My charm is almost entirely pre-scripted and… it works.  I’m not even kidding about the son growing up to be just like me, either.  A lady said that and it confused me.  I wanted to be like, “Lady, the love of my life dumped me because of my lifelong depression and I want to kill myself on a daily basis” but I kept my own troubles to myself.

I wish I didn’t.  Sometimes, I just wish I could trust someone enough to open up like that.  You don’t count, of course.  You don’t know me.  Everything I say could just be fake.  Certainly has bias but everyone is a little bit biased.

This isn’t to say I don’t trust you, which I probably wouldn’t.   I say this because you can’t trust me.  No matter how real anything I say is, I can’t be trusted.  I’m trying to treat this as my own personal journal but I can’t escape the fact that I know someone will read this.  And you know this.  So, you’ll have to take EVERYTHING I say with a grain of salt.

Regardless, everyone thinks I’m happy at work.  Except for Diana.  She… I don’t think she likes me anymore.  I feel like she wants to avoid me.  This could just be me, but I’m certain of it.  I’ll give her space.  If she wants to talk to me then she will.  I won’t force her.

I had someone complain about me.  She came back again.  Was a fierce bitch.  Only customer to not like me.  I bagged salt with food items and it drove her crazy.  The second time, I was bagging and she told me not to bag something with some cookies.  I can’t recall what it was, I think it was in a can.  Fabreeze maybe?  Not sure.  But I recall the cookies because I intended to bag it with something that wasn’t heavy.  Something that wasn’t encased in metal, you know. So the cookies won’t break.

She, however, was telling me that the cookies wouldn’t taste right. What?

It’s in her head, but I’m not going to challenge her thoughts.  Not because of professional courtesy but because… I’m actually a little sympathetic.  Maybe empathetic.  I can’t stand the idea of tasting something that has been tainted in someway. If I think something is rotten, I can’t enjoy eating it.  I try to consume it as fast as possible.  It’s not a good way to handle things, but… that’s life.

I can’t recall all the compliments I get by customers.  They’re a lot but people adore me at work.  It… baffles me.  Just because I’m smiling and enthusiastic.  Of course, the enthusiasm is more than faked.  It’s fabricated.  I can’t be enthusiastic without energy, and I have been the least energetic.  Today, I slept nearly 12 hours because I’ve been… SO sleepy this week.  I’ve basically been living off energy shots.  Not fun.

Random, but Shane messaged me out of the blue on my way to work.  It… stressed me out a bit.  I have been avoiding him since what happened. It was simple, single worded message:  Yo.

I wasn’t going to respond, but when I was told to go to lunch, I decided I should.  He hasn’t blocked me flat out like Dennis and Esther.  I mean, I thought he did a while ago but seems it was something on Facebook’s end.  Whatever.

So, I open the message and see… a game invite.  It says, “Yo” underneath it.

If he wanted to open contact with me again, he’ll have to work a bit harder than that.  I don’t respond to game invites.  -,-

Speaking of the old drama…  I had this dream last night.  With Esther, of course.  She was in my life again and we were dating once more. Romantically involved and I couldn’t be happier.  I told her that this must be a dream.  I thought hard, focusing on the world I was in and decided it was reality.  She called me a dork because I was seeing if it were a dream.  I told her she didn’t understand. Whenever I dream of her, I wake up feeling so… broken.  That I finally had her back… it was hard to believe it was really happening.

Of course, I woke up.  I felt more broken than ever before.  I didn’t cry, though, just… betrayed.  Don’t know why she’s haunting my dreams again.  I haven’t dreamed of her in a while.  :/

I think I mentioned this but… I went on a spending spree a while back.  I regret it.  Especially since I spoke to Jonny today and he told me that the prices of computers went up because more people are getting into cryptocurrencies or whatever?  Bitcoin, you know… Digital money.  Fucking christ.

Capitalism is destroying my interests.  Like… you don’t need a new computer to get Bitcoin.  You just need a computer, and even then.  Why would you increase things like graphic cards?  What does that have to do with anything?  That’s stupid.  ><

Regardless, my current spending spree lead to me spending 120 on two games.  Fuck. Really?  Not including DLC.  Eh…  Maybe it’ll be worth it later. I guess I’ll start gaming every now and then.  Once a week at the most, really.  I need to get back into Rosetta Stone.

I need to exercise more, however.  I did some arm curls with my new weights… they’re heavy.  I never felt weaker.  My arms look so skinny.  Is it because I starved myself?  Where did my muscle go?

It’s discerning.  I used to be… strong.  So strong.  Has no will to live taken my strength from me?  Have I allowed myself to sink so low?

Downloading some games from steam… whoa.  I bought a lot of games.  Never played many of them though.  I don’t remember getting these games. Maybe I mentioned it here?  Peculiar.  :o

Most of these games are old.  Classic games.  Jade Empire, STALKER Shadow of Chernobyl and other games from the series.  Interesting stuff… I really wanted to play all of these.  Will I get to?

Asking a lot of questions… mostly to myself.

Which reminds me…  THIS SHIT IS IMPORTANT:  I’ve decided that I will write a letter.  Write.  With my hands.  Write it, leave it in an envelope.  I will leave my computer password and ask her to open up a file saying, “If I die” which will instruct her on what to do next.  I will instruct her to send a SINGLE email to send this journal to my friend who has agreed to post this for me if I am unable.  The email, will be a draft and it’ll be ready to be sent, just needs to have the file attached.  If Adela wants to read this, then she can.

I suggest she doesn’t.

I will have the password to my Tumblr in this email and my friend will use that to post on.  I’ll tell her to make two.  One to strip and the other as a back up.  The one that she strips should rely on copying and pasting.  Or, really, CUTTING and pasting because a deleted chapter is a GOOD chapter.  If there is a typo then a day is attached to a singular post.  I’ll have her use the “Find” key and look for “Contact” as I’ve left “No Contact” on EVERY post thus far.  It’ll be part of the title of every post made, hopefully.

In the event that I do die before the year is through, then the final post will perhaps notify when my friend got the email.  So, maybe a few days later without posts means I’m dead?  Maybe I’ve just been busy.  What’s the purpose of this?

Really… it adds suspense!  Ho, ho!

Why do we need suspense?

Eh… we don’t, really.  But it better catalogs what happens as they happen.  A year later, of course… but still.  It’s not to make you panic, really.  But it’s so you don’t know what happens next.  As I said, this is my journal but I’m fully aware that it’s being read.  So, unlike with making it biased or unbiased, I’d rather leave it somewhat more feeling how I feel.  I don’t know if I’m going to kill myself.  But you will if I don’t do this.  You’ll know that I survived, or whatever because obviously.

You will see things as I do.  So, from this point forward, who knows if I’m alive or dead at the time of reading this?  Really… do you need to know?  ;)

Eh… maybe you already know.  It doesn’t matter, really.  I work tomorrow and I really should be doing laundry.  I haven’t showered in a couple of days.  Might do that before bed.

I have… 120 in my drawer.  Used to have more.  I have even less in my bank account.  I’m such an idiot…  I’m such a fool when it comes to money.  Just… why?  :c

I guess… maybe I won’t see Ariel before I die.  I’m such an idiot.  I had to have another FUCKING pizza…  God, I’m sure I’ve gained weight.  ><

New Total War was announced.  The Three Kingdoms.  That’s Ancient China.  Not TOO Ancient but I believe 200 AD?  Might be wrong. Still, not quite medieval.

I’m… pretty excited, really.  I should have been writing my Jade Empire-esque epic…  I predicted that Chinese culture would become a little popular, or at least I have been talking about it a lot lately.

Hrm… Maybe if I’m quick I can get on the boat before it sails…  The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago.  Second best time is right now.

This week, I shall dedicate time writing the new book.  I shall set aside my historical novel and hope that this will be the book I need.  I shall do whatever I can to write it.  It shall be done.  Tomorrow… Tonight, I dick around.  I have to go to bed eventually.  D’oh…