#wveryone fucking leaves me. i hate every person who i ever thought was my friend i fucking hate them

[junkiee]

I am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy

[marvelous-textposts]

Time to critically examine.

First all of my nasty disordered thoughts: how does everyone always end up hating me? I always feel so gross and disgusting. I really believe I am. I feel trapped in my past. I feel like my goodness is fleeting, I was angry all day. A fear and maybe a reality; I'm not beautiful! If I am not kind, I will not make it in this world. Doors won't open, I will be forever stuck on the outside. Whatever all this is, it will make me lose my housing, job, every relationship I have. Maybe I should just move to racist Florida and die there? I really want to go to New York right now and leave all of this behind. Find a therapist. Do art and activist things. Brave out the winter. Try not to end up homeless because I'm a fucking mess and I've got no reason to be. Every time I think I'm severe, maybe I'm not? Maybe I'm just a pos who's never experienced hardship? Have I not experienced it recently? Does it mean I shouldn't feel sad? Should I even self harm because theres nothing? To be sad about? My brain keeps doing this, I'm at a 1000 percent and holy shit therapy keeps not working?? I'm just talking???????? My conversations with my friends are more helpful??????? Which is so disheartening because..... wasn't this supposed to be it, wasn't this supposed to help by now, isnt this the thing that ppl are always telling you is the solution, why am I not solved, why am I still so fucked up, when I dont have good reason to be

Am I hurting them? Am I toxic? Can i never be with or around everyone because I'll always ruin the good? My sister, is this what she saw? Why cant i be good? Why is it always like this? Am i just a sucking gaping void that sucks the joy out of everything? The life? She wants nothing to do with me because I'm a pointless circle with no light inside their body

Why should I be close to anyone if I just keep failing ppl so hard? Why am I literally the worst? Maybe I dont want to die yet but maybe soon?? When I inevitably get sick there will be no one to take care of me and i won't blame them! I'm crying but i dont feel anything! I feel pointless! Everyone around me is uncomfortable with my existence! And it feels like just facts!!

I dont want to be better anymore!!!! I cant do this!!! I'm so discouraged!!!! I dont have anyone here!!!! I dont know what to do!!!! What job am I supposed to get if I hate myself! The worse this gets the more my brain thinks of ways to leave and it's so scary!!!! The more I feel like my pain isnt valid or real the more some parts of me want to prove it!!!! WHY AM I SO UNPLEASANT

Fuck I really cant do this. I cant. I cant even show my face anywhere. I dont get what ppl se in me. Because they will eventually see that I am nothing. Worthless to them. I dont want this anymore I cant do this anymore. I'm making a plan to leave this state because I have no family here and i want to run away from everyone I've ever talked to. I've been saying this for years, but i just want to feel safe!!! I never feel safe!!!!!! Wveryone keeps leaving or getting upset with me and i have no access as to why!!

Critical thoughts:

I'm upset about one person. On the heels of another person who hurt me badly n fucked me up in the head a lil, I have this person. They're mentally I'll. They're going thru it. They might even be facing s reality of losing their house? Severely mentally I'll, lovesick, not in the same state with the person they love, and they're around someone who's triggering as fuck: you. You keep bothering them. Maybe you shouldn't text them. Maybe they're isolating. But you being unpleasant makes things worse. You not bringing things up that upsets you makes things worse. Even if you get upset by EVERYTHING you need to say it. Why are you so annoying.

Anyway I'm losing my whole mind gunna post this whole thing on the internet because why not I'm a fool