#xairathan does lair reviews

[xairathan]

@pumpkin-bread

Wait, Xai, you’re gonna say. You can’t rate a baby! It doesn’t have fully developed bone structure yet! Well you know what, if that Spiral is old enough to stare in more than one direction then it’s old enough to get a rating. It’s 7.8/10 too much pudge but the cuteness factor saves it. That and because it’s staring at me with all five six seven eight nine eyes, wait, ten, please make it stop. 100/10 because that’s probably how many eyes it has. You can never tell with Spirals.

[xairathan]

@oyuin​

Naughty  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 20/10 Why 20? Two sets of collarbones!

[xairathan]

@princessfirefly aaaAAAAA

Aureole joins the party! You can’t see her collarbones, either. I think my criteria needs some readjusting. I love her color scheme though! Anyway, back to what we came for. If you look at how the scroll and cloak fit around her shoulders  you’d notice that the scroll is forming around something which means her collarbone game must be strong if it’s affecting the scroll. I bet Aureole drinks her milk and eats her seafood every day. A good dragon, 9/10, if she’s not taken I know a few Coatls who’d like to take her out to dinner. 

[xairathan]

@nagisakaworu

Oh... canon dragon is gone...

We’re going with Bismuth. Why? Because I want to talk about that chest apparel. How do you exactly put that on in the morning? I’m of the mindset that if a dragon really wants to look that swag they yeet themselves bodily into a cliff and hope something sticks that doesn’t look completely ridiculous and Disco 60′s. What you’ve managed to do is hide those collarbones completely and instead you get a 7/10 rainbow chestplate that can only be broken by an earthquake of sufficient force, or something. I just wish it didn’t clash so much with the rest of the outfit, but then again, I don’t watch SU, so I can’t just take it for granite.

[xairathan]

@fitzfr​

Woh. Das a nice dragon right there. Rockin the space dracula druid look. I’m actually very familiar with what F Nocturne dressing is like so I’ve got to say if I judge her collarbones there’s a 50% chance I’ll actually be judging some part of her belly plating so let’s compromise at a nice 8/10 and call it that? Actually, let’s make that a 9/10 since obviously something’s going on near her shoulders and it might be her collarbones’ fault. Can’t tell under that cape. What do you mean that’s gas? Why would anyone use gas around flowers? You might want to have a talk with her about OSHA safety rules.

[xairathan]

@danudaine​

McHanzo sounds like a new type of sandwich.

I pick Durendal (but appreciate your Sirocco dragon). You don’t really get to see much of his collarbones since there’s armor and a scarf in the way but he looks like he’s killing it anyway. Look at that face. Got a random piercing hanging from it. What does that say? It says that this is one hell of a metal wildclaw, that’s what. Can he actually use that sword? It doesn’t matter, it looks hip anyway. Are the edges of his wings actually metal or just tattoos? I don’t know, but it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to be getting close enough to ask him. 5/10 for Schrodinger’s collarbones but 9/10 for a solid swordsman wildclaw. 

[xairathan]

@midoridragonuus I TRIED

[xairathan]

@pyramidrising

Elvi is very nice. I like that pastel. Just got one problem I gotta discuss with you. Where are a spirals’ collarbones? Do they even have any? It is a mystery. I’m gonna rate their theoretically existing collarbones anyway. Have you seen the bones on a spiral? You can actually see them on the wing. Therefore one must conclude that any Spirals’ collarbone is an immediate 10/10 however you can deduct points for horrible fashion tas- oh, look at that adopt in his bio it’s so adorableeeeee! ;A; 100/10 for the adopt. The adopt has the best collarbones. That’s it. We can all go home.

[xairathan]

@ithums

We’re going for Elena! Did I pick her just because she was the first dragon on page one? Not really. Okay, yes. That and I really jam for Female Skydancers. If she was a Male Bogsneak let me tell you I would have gone straight to page two. Anyway, that’s not what we’re here for.

Collarbone rating? 7.5/10. I really tried to give her a 10/10. I really tried. The pose for SD Females lends itself to great shoulders and thighs but not so much to the collarbone game. The Night Sky silks boosted her points up by 0.5 though. That’s worth mentioning. The Gembond doesn’t really do her collarbones any justice, though, but then again, what tertiary does? She’s probably a great dance partner and I hope she always gets a date to the Crystaline Gala. 

[xairathan]

Everything wrong with @shikinami ‘s lair

in 35 dragons or less

- OH GOD. MY EYES.  - dragon named Newt looks more like a velociraptor than any type of amphibious lizard - dragon named newt does not have a salamander familiar - crimewave’s bio says newt’s son is dead. why am i suddenly suspecting crimewave? - genesis is not a reference to neon genesis evanjellyonmytoast - “if i was not straight i would be gay” are you straight cammie? ARE YOU? - dave and asuka have matching accents but not matching familiars - asuka has an ice familiar. an ice. familiar. an ice familiar.  - dave has otp art in his bio but asuka just has asuka. this is woefully disappointing.  - beast is not a reference to beast mode AND has a ribbon on him. DOUBLE SIN.  - viv - rui’s swag level is over 9000. now if that had been on any other dragon in your lair i would’ve accepted it but on rui? SIN!  - distortia’s bio says ‘to be bred with genesis’ but NOWHERE IN HER OFFSPRING LIST are there any with a father named genesis.  - “confluence” FOUND THE FUCKER - dragon named ache is the only dragon that does not make my eyes ache - dragon named dusk is neither dark nor dusky - newt is supposed to be bred with indignant and have cute babies. I don’t see any. Did newt’s son get murdered? IS THAT WHAT CRIMEWAVE IS TALKING ABOUT? this lair has the worst plotline ever. - fitzpleasure. - rhinestone does not have a gembond tertiary... and has a swamp tertiary. DOUBLE SIN! 

Sin Counter: 21

Bonus Round: GOGGLES!  Sin Counter:  Double Bonus Round: Flowers!!!!!

Sin Counter: 2 6 0 0  Sentence: Dirkasuka is better

[xairathan]

Everything Wrong With Irarina’s Lair

in 59 dragons or less

- Cymeri has the Companion Comet, Selene does not. Now let me explain this. Selene is the moon goddess dragon, right? So logically she would get the strange spherical object in orbit- or. Oh. Never mind. -retracts sin- - Phantasos doesn’t wipe properly - Reza the fixit guy doesn’t have a fixing thing. Now forgetools are expensive, I understand that. But what can you fix with a sword? The last thing I fixed with a sword got me arrested.  - Steampunk Ninja Cowboy Coatl - Dragon that dislikes fighting is level 5. What, did she just stumble into a battle and LEVEL UP! ? Do things work like that? - Knowledge is power awesome mage bookworm dragon does not have a book - I was going to take off a sin for Oberon having a Silver Sylvan thing. But then I saw it was Siren, so I’m double-sinning that. Silver-tongued dragon gotta have a silver thing, you know? - You know I never know how to say ‘Titania’. Is it ‘Titania’ as in Titanium or Titanic? Sin for the unpronounceable name!  - I was going to sin Jasper for not being red, but then I read he’s the defying expectations dragon, so I’m going to unsin that for the sheer balls of that biography.  - Dragon that likes java sparrows does not have a java sparrow as a familiar.  - Hotshot warrior Nocturne does not have a sword, even though his biography says he has a sword. But hey, at least he got the girl! - Justin Bieber - Astronomer dragon does not have Cosmologist’s Fieldtools - Dragon who likes candles does not have a bumble familiar - Also, he’s from Ice. That’s kind of weird, isn’t it? Ice dragon, liking a fire thing? Just saying! - Bran the Snapper. That is all. -takes off a sin- - Dragon who believes in green power is from Ice. Which is fine, I’m all for conserving the environment, but that’s a bit weird considering she’s from Ice. Oh well. 

Sin Count: 14 Sentence: Miles to go before I sleep

[xairathan]

Last one for today, I have Shit (TM) to do and I’m going to procrastinate with style. That means cry. No not really.  Oh shit, this thing is recording? Anyways...

Everything Wrong With Desolim @desolimrising‘s Lair in 60 Dragons (or less)

- Keyboardmash names.  - Dragon named Pumpkin makes Pumpkin pie. That’s cannibalism. - Dragon’s name means ‘Red Water’, but he comes from Plague and two of his colors are Fire. You should name him ‘Hot Fire’ because that makes a lot more sense.  - Vivani.  - Playboy Flirt Dragon has no children. I get that he’s a Gen One and you don’t want to mess up that offspring list but seriously, either dragons have invented condoms or he still hasn’t gotten laid.  - SandCobra does not have a snake as a familiar. - Nor is SandCobra any of the breeds that would make more sense for this name. Spiral, Imperial. Heck, even Coatl. Nope. Raptorchicken. - CinnamonBun has not gotten baked by Pumpkin yet.  - Regis’ mate is not named Kelly.  - You have a Pride dragon, which is fine. But two pages later you have a Loyalty dragon that looks almost exactly the same. You can’t have pride and loyalty in the same place looking exactly the same unless it’s named Tony Stark. You gotta pick one, and move on. - And now you’ve got Power, too. Pride, Power, and Loyalty? Just get a Tony Stark dragon and save yourself two extra lair spaces, god damn it!  - MagicMike dragon does not give lap dances.  - There are no Snappers in this lair. Thaaaaat’s racist. 

Sin Total: 13 Bonus Round: Unpronounceable Names

Sin Total: 19

[xairathan]

@punkinguts you know I first thought your name was pukinguts and that’s what I parse your username as now. Ehehehe lel. 

ohhhHHhHHhhhHHHHHhhhHHhHhhhhhhHHHHH my god. Okay. I’m seeing this chance. I’m taking it. I AM TAKING IT LIKE I TAKE TESTS- WITH NO THOUGH ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING. OOHHHHKAY. 

Your progen. Is named Spice. Your other one. Is named Pepper. We’re going condiments here right SO WHERE IS SALT?! YOU HAD THE PERFECT WINDOW BRO. Salt! Salt everywhere but NO you have dignified fucking dragons and quite frankly I’m so disappointed in you kaial. THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF SALT, LOST!  GOD on page 4 looks so done with this shit and SO AM I, KAIAL, BECAUSE GOD DAMN YOU HAD THIS OPPORTUNITY. 

But hello GOD Villainson. I also have two Villain dragons. They’re on page 4 of my lair with the Sun Cult. They say hi. HI! 

ur lair iz 2 fukkin big i swer 2 god

I’m gonna pick on this. Lux is Lightning. Light and lightning are not the same thing I tell you. One kills you with cancer and the other one JUST FUCKING KILLS YOU. Also she’s dressed like she was going to the beach, went to the beach, and then got BEACHED BY A FUCKING FISHING BOAT yeah this is as far away from light as the nearest interstellar black void. NEXT!

I’m casually reading through your lore and I appreciate this but please tell me how your dragons fight when they’re wearing so much apparel they put the worst runway show to shame. All those capes and silks bro. Edna Mode has a rant on this. Go look it up. 

Also I’m disappointed that Haze isn’t covered with every single ‘seasonal’ apparel (winter wind) and the Plumage bits. Or did you sell them all to fund your G1ing? I’M ON TO YOU KAIAL, I’M ON TO YOU AND YOUR G1 SCHEMES, YOU THINK YOU’LL GET AWAY WITH IT BUT YOU WONNNNNNN’T

[xairathan]

Snarly Lair Review for @crystalinn

Your name is too hard to spell >:| IF I HAVE TO BACKSPACE MORE THAN ONCE IT’S TOO MUCH YOU HEAR ME?! First off what is this googly eye tongue snapper dear god have I entered a 6th grades arts and crafts building? WELL i’m about to find out IN I GO.

Walk into the club like what up I got a snapper page. And a Noc and Coatl and and an Imp and a Spiral Row (Spirow?) and Mirrors and-

Okay lemme tell you something I love what you’ve got going here. You have organization. Purpose. But the fact that they’re off by one space is so irking rrrgh I blame that small permababy snapper. HEY YOU, YOU WHO LOOK LIKE A FOOTBALL. I’M GONNA PUNT YOU TO THE BACK OF THE LAIR.

Moving on. I seriously can’t take Anshal seriously dear god. That first page and then DERPSNAPPER. Okay XD 

I’m not going to lie when I saw suncheeks I thought it was like. His butt. It’s because of the way the M WC stands. I’m telling you. Now it might just be me but that name has some Unfortunate Implications right there. 

Alrighty here we go. The Doctor. I’m going to assume this is a Dr. Who reference. If it isn’t well then I’m a bloody idiot but let’s get going. So first of all he’s got a bow tie (which is cool) but no fez. I don’t know which Doctor had a fez but I’M DOCKING POINTS FOR THAT JUST BECAUSE I CAN. Also in terms of Flight Rising this isn’t the best idea, just because what happens if he gets sucked into an Emperor before he regenerates? Can you have an Emperor Doctor Who Dragon? Emperor Doctor? For Science?! Did I just write an entire paragraph about the possibility of a multiheaded horror show? Yes. Yes I did. 

I’m just going to say you had a perfectly a good chance to name that Ice Snapper ‘Elsa’ and you didn’t take it. I’m leaving it at that. That’s all I’m saying.

RAPIER! DOES NOT! HAVE! A RAPIER! Also you missed a perfectly good joke with Tyrael to have a hammer on him. The hammer of justice? Yes/no? 

...I’m going to end this with me laughing my ass off at Shenron. You go Shenron. Just gotta get you a Companion Comet and you’ll be good to go bud. Pfffff-

[xairathan]

Everything wrong with 

@dragonknightmidnight Mosflow’s Lair

in 75 dragons or less

- Dragon named Obsidius isn’t even remotely close to Obsidian - Neither is his mate. I sense pending relationship problems. - Sky gatherer is not from a Flight associated with the sky, nor does she have Sky coloration. - Cheshire does not have a cat-like Familiar.  - I get that you want to show off his accent, but Alchemist does not have tools of Alchemy on him. - Viola doesn’t have violet- you know what, I give up. I’ll just throw in five sins here for all of this. - Apparently Shuu must’ve stolen alchemy guy’s alchemy kit. Because he’s doing just fine. And nowhere in his description does it says he likes doing alchemy. Treason! - Seemingly harmless dragon is Level 22. That dragon had to get that experience somewhere. - Dragon named for a cloud looks more like bubble gum than a cloud - Caspian the Alchemist does not have alchemy tools. Did Shuu steal all the clan’s alchemy? You should really look into that. - Navigator dragon has 0 qualifications. No spyglass, no informed ability to read maps, and absolutely nothing navigator-y on their person. I really hope that ship they’re working for has a lot of supplies.  - Lair full of dragons named for Greek gods has succeeded in not managing to go to war with itself yet. - Scene containing Viviane and Merlin does not contain a lap dance - Shade Tamer is a level 1 dragon with a flight affiliation that is not associated with the Shade. This is going to be a short employment stint isn’t it.

Sin Count: 18 Sentence: Biography coding errors

[xairathan]

Everything wrong with 

@windforge Vhyxalas’ Lair

in 119 Dragons or Less

- Lair has 119 dragons. That’s four times as many as I want to review.  - Lorem Ipsum - Naga dragon does not have Naga familiar - Dragon supposed to be returned to PorkWithBones is not returned to PorkWithBones - Strawberry sharing-Tundra does not have Strawberries. Anywhere. - Also, if he’s supposed to be sharing, why haven’t I gotten some? - Is that Voltaire the singer, or Voltaire the philosopher? And I’m pretty sure neither were a cowboy - Volbeat dragon is neither in Lightning nor has any light source on it. That’s a fail Volbeat. - Spitfyre looks like neither spit nor fire. - Beowulf is not wearing anything wolf-themed, nor anything remotely warrior-like. - Snakehead looks more like a raptor head than a snake head. - Forge is not wearing Forgetools - Highlander dragon does not have a sword. - Or any reference to Highlander whatsoever. - Zephyr is not Wind. - Irwin Dragon does not have a Mantarune as a familiar. No? Too soon? - Ribbit does not have a remotely frog-like familiar. We have two things called Croakers. But neither of them are in use here. Shameful, really. - BillyMaize does not have ‘but wait, there’s more’ in his biography

Sin Count: 18 Bonus Round: Unpronounceable names! Sin Count: 29 Sentence: Stinky Feet