#xangoeswah

[xannerz]

i think the other frustrating thing is like. people online forget that politics and war is complicated. it sucks, it's tedious. civilians are being hurt and killed as a result of fascism and greed. this isnt a saturday morning cartoon. you can't always be spoon-fed tl;drs on who's the good guy and who's the villain. this shit is fluid, and often just looks like this:

[xannerz]

its always surreal to me to see people praise s2 of centaurworld. s2 was so spectacularly bombastic and aimless and it ended in this awkward forgettable fizzle.

i feel like a dick saying it b/c i really do love the show lmao. or, at least half of it lmao (/stares at tnwk). gf and i've been thinking about rewatching it just to write out our thoughts on why s2 was such a poor follow-up to s1 - from the tone to the setup to all the worldbuilding the narrative had to offer in between the (far more) memorable songs of s1. idk. it's sad because cw really had the bones of a cult classic, but idek if you can call it that.

ive seen a few posts commenting on its lack of popularity, and i feel like it certainly deserves more, b/c i do feel like it's a novel idea made w/ love, but the shift btwn s1 and s2 wasnt just in the plot. there was a full-on *fracture* in the quality and direction and i'm still scratching my head over it. more than i should be, probably. but, it's just a bummer.

[xannerz]

this year was demented.

i started my new journal for 24 (and 23 derailed me so hard i fell off of this year's journal pretty fast and it makes me sad to think about, but anyway--) i just described 23 as a dull ache. i slept through a lot. i was on autopilot. i was on vacation with my best friend and some other pals and she told me she hasn't seen me this depressed since blawschool. like. idk. it didnt really hit me-- that my mental health was deteriorating that bad. until she said it. my responsibilities at work have grown a lot, and i've been carrying a lot for my family because no one else can. i cant afford to slack off at work b/c while i like to think my position is relatively safe (🧿), i have severe anxiety, and i'm like "ok what if i'm one bad email away from getting fired," and then everything caves down on me and my family LMFAO. and ofc -- seeing aze and isr getting away w ethn*c cleansing. how do you come back from that.

these things have been enough to make me sleep early many nights; it's that numbness yk. it's stalled my creative output and progress on personal goals. i was hoping to draw more this year. make things. i feel stunted b/c of the fatigue.

i did have many moments of gratitude, tho. i have so, so many friends and they're all uniquely wonderful. we say "i feel so held right now" to each other all the time, and we laugh about it but we mean it, too. i got to travel abroad and idk it was a big deal for me bc i genuinely didnt think it'd, like. ever happen?? i got to see birb more and meet her mom and she is so sweet. vigo's had a couple health scares but he's healthy. i'm still alive despite not wanting to be half the time.

i've juggled between a couple medications (had to raise effexor to like 300mg but it didnt help anymore, so maybe this new one will be the ticket.)

im just praying 2024 will be better, because 2023 crushed a lot of parts of myself and it's going to take a while for those parts to heal, and just to. reconnect with myself again.

[xannerz]

seeing the T T S & H H fandoms mutate and merge in real time

[xannerz]

honestly im still wrinkling my nose at how tumblr users lashed out at blaze when it first dropped. it's not perfect yeah yeah blah blah, but like y'all keep talking about ✨supporting artists✨ and independent writers and creators, esp knowing how hard it can be to find work, or get commissions, or get published, and then throw a tantrum when a new feature drops that actually gives folks a chance to showcase their work to a broader audience.

i remember when the feature first launched, i saw someone saying they'd block the OP of any post that was blazed on their dash and its like. how do you exist with being so aggressively contrarian and resistant to everything; how has your tongue not blistered from all the sourness that comes out of your mouth. 2cool4everything syndrome is ugly, go drink water and keep scrolling then, gd.

[xannerz]

there's some t t s fanart thats getting some numbers over the past day but something about the piece/op's art got me sussed out.

[xannerz]

honestly I’d rather eat glass than read ha$bin discourse on twt

[xannerz]

eh

i soft-dropped my therapist. it's not the first time i've had to do it (like in general, ive had other therapists lol), but it doesn't feel good yk. i'm grateful that she wasn't yes-man, at least. i've had friends and seen people who had yes-man therapists, and their behavior would become unbearable. weaponize therapyspeak, all that. this one-- she was nice, and she'd push me sometimes, but she never challenged me in the ways i needed? granted, a lot of my problems are so fixed and external (bills! bills! bills!) that you can't really therapy your way out of it, but idk.

we're gonna do a final session and then i'll be on a break. i'll hunt for a new one when i'm ready. talking feels exhausting rn anyway. i have so many days with like 3-4 hours of meetings and by the end what you want me to talk about my issues when i'm already fried iiiii simply cannot do that atm

i think i'm going through a reset period in general. cut off BC (no pills, no arm implant) b/c while it helped with my pcos symptoms, the side effects were grueling. backed out of trying a new antidepressant b/c the last one gave me heart palps + insomnia, and i don't feel comfortable trying a new one rn when measuring side effects is difficult when my entire body is out of whack. i'm still stress-vomiting. idk. i snort and tell myself it's a coping skill issue as a joke but then i feel worse LMFAO

needed to cut back on edibles b/c brain fog, but i still need to take x*nax to take the edge off (not edgy about it either lol my rx is low) . and the stress vomiting. the stress vomiting. the constant nausea is driving me mad. i already have tummy issues 👶 but goddamn. it's disruptive and demoralizing.

im just bitching ill be fine though i'm using that term loosely who cares anyway we're all going through some type of bullshit arent we

[xannerz]

always fascinating to me to see people acknowledge that bad direction and/or writing affected TTS’ story, pacing, and characters, but somehow manage to viscerally hate cass like it’s still all her fault

[xannerz]

this is the only thing I wanna wake up to

[xannerz]

on a sadder note, my beloved but homophobique(tm) mother is growing more and more leery abt my galpalship w birb and i'm breakdancing around the truth like i'm being shot at every day

[xannerz]

had to put $2k on my cc at the 24 he vet b/c turns out Vigo’s got pancreatitis, so he’ll be staying a night to get fluids and treatment. I cried so hard on the drive home I almost puked. I can’t take this anymore, man. The stress and lack of sleep bc he kept waking me up and now this sudden expense. I’m so tired I’m so tired I’m so tired

[xannerz]

i love my friends sm

[xannerz]

soon

[xannerz]

[xannerz]

blah blah

I’m going out to have dinner w a couple friends tonight and it’s taking everything in me to get out of the house tbh. I want to see them, but yk — the chronic fatigue and reclusiveness that comes w depression makes it hard to really do anything, especially socialize.

+ I’m scheduled to (finally) have an endoscopy next week and I’m hoping to get some clarity and reassurance abt how I’ve been feeling lately, too. Not gonna dump my entire medical history on here but my stomach’s become an angry fickle thing lmao and if it’s not the thing making me wanna puke, my heart starts pounding and I can, like, hear it at night. Breathing exercises all day let’s goooo

Oh and my memory’s gotten worse, too? And I feel like there’s something up w my right eye again. I’ll be getting that checked out asap.

There’s just a lot! The world’s on fire! I’m buckling under stress! It’s too much!