#ya'll feel free to yell at me for this one like theres a lot to keep track of here i'm not gonna lie

[agirlunderarock]

OF AGONY AND HOPE

Story Summary: sith!Obi-Wan au, in which Sas was able to fly Padme to safety and deliver her children but at the cost of losing the man she loved. Five years have gone by since the fall of Republic, since the fall of the Jedi Order, since Sas said goodbye to the man she loves. Since then Emperor Palpatine has brought in new enforcers; Lord Vader his right hand, and Grand Admiral Abusivus a man Sas refuses to admit bares any resemblance to Obi-Wan Kenobi even when he stands right in front of her.

Pairings: Obi-Wan X Sas Vom (OC)

Chapter 3: Proposals

Chapter Summary: Sas is called into Grand Admiral Abusivus' office

Previous Chapter

Warnings: N/A Honestly its not violent or anything yet so like? Just know the general warning is that I fell asleep while typing this several times. I live and die by those typos. This story is basically lovers to enemies to lovers so make of that what you will?

Read on AO3

The Meeting room was too loud.

Despite the quiet murmurs of the Imperial Officers in the room, Brisa felt as if they were all shouting in her ears, looking at her assessing her. Under normal circumstances she could tune it out, ignore them, carry her head high and walk out without sparing anyone a single glance.

Her heart beat was too loud.

She didn’t register when the switch happened, only that she felt far away from the room itself. There was too much going on. Grand Admiral Abusivus was giving her directions, that much she was aware of. What those directions were specifically she couldn’t say. The pounding of her heart beat was slowly replaced by officers slowly filing out of the room, their footfalls echoing off the sleek walls of the war room like cannon blasts going off in Brisa’s ears. The lights were too bright. Harsh glares reflected off every surface straight into her eyes. Even Captain Dirgo’s pointed stare seemed to carry the  weight of the cold reflective surfaces that lined the doorway.

Sas didn’t remember following Grand Admiral Abusivus. Her world stopped spinning the moment her eyes met his burning yellow irises. Yet, she noted the way the Grand Admiral walked just a step ahead of her, his broad shoulders blocking most of her view of the hallway. In the back of her mind she could hear the faint echo of his words, “We best discuss the expectations for your position in my office.”

Was that where he was leading her? Sas couldn’t even be sure he had really even said those words. The back of her hand still burned with the warmth of his breath, but if she were being honest Sas couldn’t say whether or not she wanted to put the fire out.

Be mindful of your feelings, they can betray you.

Sas could hear Obi-Wan’s voice echo in her head, and despite the warmth in her chest at the memory of all the times he had said that to Anakin, she felt fear crawl its way into her throat. She couldn’t focus, the world still spun, but felt as if she were flying through a dust cloud. She couldn’t trust her own thoughts, her feelings. The Grand Admiral could and would manipulate them, if he hadn’t already. He knew the easiest ways to access her mind, he knew every feeling, thought and desire she had. 

The sudden realization that she was about to be captured, questioned and tortured, had Sas’ stomach churning. She had to get to her apartment, she had to get a message out, call for an extraction.

“At ease Captain Brisa,” The Grand Admiral’s command pierced the fog. Sas blinked as her body automatically relaxed its stance, feet shoulder width apart and her hands behind her back. "I assume you understand why I've brought you here," he finished. 

Truthfully Sas was trying to figure out what was more disturbing to her, that her body didn't hesitate to act on his command, or the way he didn’t tear his gaze away from her. She hadn't even fully processed that she was standing in his office. Whatever challenge he had issued her and whatever composure she had mustered up in the presence of her fellow officers, dissipated in the cold tension between them now.

Sas slowly scanned his office. Of course it was pristine and organized. She expected nothing less. She was, however, surprised by the amount of objects on display. Not that he wasn't sentimental in the past, but each object was placed purposely, deliberately within view of her standing position, not the person who would normally be sitting at the desk. These objects weren't just for decoration, he was sending a message. A small statue of a Twi'lek seemed to glare at her from its pedestal in front of a large painting of a familiar Alderaan mountain pass. The statue bared a striking resemblance to one she had seen in the home of Eleni Syndulla, during a rather melancholy feast. It looked over them while they celebrated a Republic victory on Ryloth. Sas couldn’t force herself to focus on the painting behind it. She tried to focus on the other side of the room. In front of another painting, stood a sculpture of a four legged beast of burden that was native to Onderon. The same kind of creature she and Obi-Wan had ridden into the Separatist filled city with Steela and her freedom fighters. Something twisted painfully in her chest.

“Forgive me,” Brisa answered, her voice sounding much weaker than normal. “I assumed we were going to discuss my expectations for my new assignment.” 

“Most of your duties are outlined in the entry log-” He paused abruptly, looking right through Sas before his eyes settled on her again. “But you’re already well aware of those duties aren’t you?” Abusivus moved to stand in front of his desk, right in Sas’ line of sight. He absolutely knew who he was speaking to. There was no way around it.

“Sir, I’m not sure I understand-”

“You need not continue your act,” he said calmly, though Sas could easily detect the tension in his voice. “No one else is listening right now.” Five years apart and he could still read her without trying. Then again, she supposed that it was easy to read her when he had the ability to directly feel what she was feeling and could purposely tamper with her thoughts and emotions. That was the only way to explain the black hole that erupted in her chest. She felt heavy and empty all at the same time, like she would fall right through the glossy white floors, the rest of her memories and feelings drawn into her void.

Sas kept her eyes focused on the portview behind him, just over his shoulder. It was the only way she could look at him without having to actually look at him. She heard him breathe out slowly, his shoulders tensing and then falling ever so slightly, as if he were gripping something. If she had the nerve to look up at his face she was sure she’d find his auburn brows furrowed low over his eyes. She tried not to picture the expression, yet the memories of all the times she pressed her lips to his forehead, just between his brows, came rushing back to her.

She couldn’t trust those memories.

Sas was very aware of how he could manipulate her thoughts. Even though she didn’t feel the odd pressure around her head that came when someone was attempting to manipulate her through the force, she couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t. He knew her mind better than anyone, possibly even more than her own sister. At one time she had trusted him with her life, her dreams, and her secrets. She trusted him to love her as she was, to accept her past, and understand what she expected in their future. There was absolutely nothing she could hide from him. She needed to look elsewhere.

Everywhere she looked was a reminder of their shared past, of how he'd thrown everything they fought for away. Even if he wasn’t using the force, Abusivus was finding other ways to manipulate her.

 Sas’ eyes burned with unshed tears, and her throat closed. She couldn’t breathe. If she had been a weaker woman, she might have fallen to her knees, even clutched at her aching chest. Sas didn’t understand how her chest could feel so hollow and yet feel so tight. She couldn’t tell if this was her own body betraying her or if this was his doing. “Sir-” She croaked. Even to herself her voice sounded brittle and weak. She couldn’t break in front of him. Abusivus could undoubtedly feel what she was going through, she couldn’t let herself be so openly vulnerable with him.

The Grand Admiral moved to stand directly in front of her, his shoulders and the hot tears stinging her eyes obscuring her view. He hadn’t touched her, not even with the force, and yet the fire that burned under her skin and caught in her throat was his doing. He betrayed her, their friends, and their family. 

“Why did you bring me here?” Sas demanded in a whisper. She kept her hands clasped together behind her back, worried that her hands would shake, that her whole body would tremble if she wasn’t careful. “Just tell me what you want and get this over with.” 

“Sas,” his voice was soft, just as quiet as her own as he stepped closer to her.

A blaster shot to the chest would have burned less. This wasn’t the voice of the man who addressed the Imperial officers just a few moments before. This was the voice that whispered to her in stolen moments between missions. This was the voice that teased her behind closed doors, told her she was loved, that she was worth more than what she could provide to others. This was the voice that comforted her in dreams, and she missed more than anything in the galaxy. A voice she thought she’d never hear say her name again.

 His gloved hand reached out to her cheek, gently brushing away her tears. “I thought you were dead…” His other hand came up and cupped her cheek, before he leaned down to press his lips to her forehead.

Every fiber in Sas’ body screamed at her to push him away. That this man helped the Empire conquer the people they swore to protect, and yet she could only stand frozen in place. Her heart hammered quickly in her chest. The familiar feel of his breath dancing over her skin sent a tremor through her body. The tickle of his beard against her forehead was enough to make her eyes slide close. For five years they'd been apart, grown into different people and yet this simple action sent her right back to the quiet nights they spent on her ship.The back of her hand, the one he kissed just moments before, still felt heavy with the weight of his kiss.

Sas had thought the black hole had been in her chest, that every memory  she’d had of him was being dragged in to try to fill its void. With his admission, she realized that he was the point of gravity in the room. No matter how many reminders screamed at her to wake up to reality. She should be angry, had every right to shove him away but instead she found the ache in her chest soothed by his closeness. She could pretend  that this was just another quiet night on her ship. That he had been away on a long mission and was tiredly pressing kisses to her head. As always he would be hesitant to hold her, but he would hold her, assure her that he was safe. She could pretend that they never lost each other, that they didn’t lose so much more. All she had to do was keep her eyes closed.

Gradually her body relaxed and her arms fell to her sides. If these were going to be her last moments, Sas almost wanted to just let herself enjoy his touch. She could pretend that he was the man she loved. Just one last stolen moment before it all came crashing down. After all that was how they loved each other best, when the galaxy was collapsing around them. What made this time so different?

Be mindful of your feelings, they can betray you.

Sas took a deep breath. Those thoughts could not be her own. As tired of the fight and hiding as she was, Sas could not give in to those feelings she had. She had to get back home call for an extraction. That had to be her priority. Her thoughts and feelings were not her own while the Grand Admiral was around.

Slowly opening her eyes, Sas moved her head a little away from him and looked up at him expecting to see the burning amber eyes of the man in the meeting room, but instead she only found relief relaxing his face and closing his eyes. Again she could feel her resolve slipping, and again she recalled  the memory of the times she and Obi-Wan would meditate together. Some of the jedi teachings were starting to make a lot more sense to her. She had to let go of those memories, and the ache in her chest. She took another deep breath. Abusivus may look like the man she loved, but that man never escaped Mustafar; he died there, and there was no going back.

She forced herself to look away.

Behind him, on the desk, was a large piece of stone propped up on a display frame, a familiar swirl etched into its surface. It was one of the crests from the Mobari temples on Zolan, from her home. The red stony clay marked the stone as not from the temple in the capital city, but the carvings along the rocky cliff overlooking the ocean. He had been to her cliff side city, her home. Sas couldn’t help but wonder if this had been before or after the blockade was put around her planet. Her gut told her that he only could have taken the carving after it was in place.

A new spark caught fire in her chest, this one white hot and explosive. She breathed in deeply, holding her breath for a moment and letting her anger chase the longing from her heart. It didn’t matter what Abusivus could make her feel, he wasn't Obi-Wan. He might have his voice, his mannerisms, and appearance, but Sas knew better than anyone that a convincing disguise did nothing to hide whoever was underneath it. She had learned that lesson the hard way. 

It didn’t matter when Abusivus took the crest from her home world. None of that mattered. Their history didn’t matter. What mattered was that Sas had people depending on her. Padmé, Jankari, and Pyrrha were depending on her to gather as much Imperial intelligence as she could. Abusivus was just another obstacle in her way. She just had to hang onto her anger long enough to leave the office.

Letting out a breath, Sas raised her hands to his wrist and slowly lowered them away from her face. 

“Darling-” he started. She hadn’t realized she was trembling until he stiffened under her touch, there was no doubt he felt the shift in her mood. Another deep breath and she steadied her hands. “What are you-?”

“Please don’t call me that,” Sas answered as evenly as she could. She could hear the waver in her voice and told herself it was anger. It wouldn’t be good to have Captain Brisa leaving the office in such an emotional state, even if Sas was struggling between giving in to his gravity, or letting her rage devour her. Either one would make it more difficult for Sas to leave the building alive.

Abusivus pulled his hands away from hers then and straightened up. Sas didn’t meet his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he answered, even managing to sound genuine. “I- I missed you.”

There was another blaster bolt to her chest. She took another deep breath, the words I missed you too nearly choking her as they fought to leave her lips. Instead she looked to the Onderon statue, the Twi’lek figure, the stone crest on his desk. She tried to imagine the dirt under her finger tips, imagine the circumstances where he took those things as prizes for his conquests. She could harden her despair, she had to. She had to go home and call for an extraction.

“I saw you crash…I thought I lost you” He started again. 

“You did. Four years ago.” She finally met his gaze. Part of her hoped she would find the clear blue eyes of the man that she adored, but still she was met with cold amber eyes, his brows furrowed low over them. 

“Sas-”

“Tell me you didn’t have anything to do with the blockade around Zolan. Tell me you didn’t attack my home!”

Silence fell heavy between them. Abusivus loomed over her, his jaw clenching as his gaze hardened. Sas wanted to strike him, demand an answer, instead she let herself feel the sting of his betrayal as she dug her nails into her palms in a tightly clenched fist. Whatever comment he had been about to make was lost under the weight of her demand. Sas had seen the look before. When he was choosing his words carefully. She was an enemy now, and she knew well enough how Abusivus used to negotiate with his enemies. The only reason he was paying her this decency was likely for the sake of their past relationship. He took a step away from her, nine years of war suddenly seeming to weigh down his shoulders as he leaned back against his desk.

“Perhaps I wouldn’t have needed to take such measures, if I did not have to clean up after your messes,” Abusivus said at last as he stroked his beard.. 

That was worse than a blaster shot. A tremor ran through her as she tried to make sense of his comment. “You just said you thought I was dead.”

“I did. When I first caught your trail, I wasn’t so sure-”

“What trail? Nothing has happened-”

“Does a missing intelligence officer on Onderon sound familiar, it should.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh then perhaps on Naboo? Ryloth? Or maybe the ambush on Jabiim sounds familiar? It goes without saying that many troopers and agents went missing in the early days. If Saw Gerrera, or Cham Syndulla picked off  a few agents during an investigation, it wouldn’t be much of a surprise.”

Sas held her breath. She knew exactly what missions he was referring to. She hadn’t stayed in Imperial Intelligence for so long without avoiding combat zones and running into old faces. Each that he referenced however weren’t exactly huge blows to the Empire. She had been sure about that.

“It's incredible really that an officer not trained for combat could survive so many large scale skirmishes, but you seem to be at the center of each one. Of course when I first started looking into these encounters I thought we just had a very lucky officer on our hands, that perhaps we just kept sending in one of our best as she’s proven to get results. It’s not unheard of, after all.”

There was nothing Sas could do but stand and listen. Her lungs ached with every word she wanted to shout at him. She could just walk out. That would be the smart thing to do. She could walk out, be careful that no one followed her home, and hope that Crix could call an extraction for her before it was too late. She couldn't leave just yet though. Sas couldn’t break down and she couldn’t storm out, she still had people depending on her.

"There were two conclusions I could have arrived at, this of course after conducting my own investigation," Abusivus continued. “The first was that Rola Brisa was indeed just a fresh face and eager to prove herself. The second was much more fantastical, however there was no record of anyone recovering your body from the temple, and yet you had been reported as killed in action. I’m guessing someone, probably yourself, made sure that information was in the databases. There was even speculation that you had something to do with the death of Senator Amidala. Though, with you being here, I’m guessing that she and her children are alive and well.”

 Sas stayed silent, not wanting to confirm or deny any of what he was beginning to realize. Maybe he already knew, or had always known. She wasn’t sure she really wanted to think about how long he possibly suspected she was hiding in Imperial ranks.

 He paused for a moment studying her, as if for a moment she was one of the trophies in his office he could turn and examine however he pleased. She supposed she was in a lot of ways, though that was hardly a reassuring thought. "However, that isn't what I wished to discuss, not now anyway," he said seemingly more to himself than to Sas. “Against my better judgment I looked into the fantastical option. There was something…comforting in knowing you were still carrying on this pointless crusade-”

“Stop, just stop!” The words burst from her. “Just stop talking!” Sas squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t listen to him say that. She couldn’t talk about this. None of it made sense to her. She couldn’t believe it was all for nothing, that his friends, his people died for nothing. She felt the tears spill over her cheeks, and she took a deep breath trying to focus on the pounding of her heart in her ears. She needed to control herself. If she shifted now, she’d never leave his office alive.

“I’m sorry-”

“Are you going to kill me?” Sas cut him off. 

He crossed his arms over his chest, his pristine uniform seeming more like restraints as he stroked his auburn beard. “Why would I do a thing like that?”

Sas still didn’t look in his eyes. “You did just tell at least a dozen Intelligence Officers to report to you if they found out anything about me.” She didn’t like this game. She just wanted him to be straightforward with her. 

“Ah, I supposed that would be your natural conclusion.”

Sas gritted her teeth. For just a moment she had been willing to pretend that the man in front of her could make her feel whole again, that she could somehow look past the situation they found themselves in. Something in the casual tone he used to answer her made the hair on the back of her neck stand up.

“Then what the fuck do you want from me?” She said at last. 

Abusivus’ lips quivered upward briefly as if he were amused by her question. He stroked his beard once, then twice, letting the silence stretch on between them.

“Can you just get on with it-?”

“Patience,” he said, the small grin still in place. “Forgive me for wanting to pick my words carefully before I make a proposal.”

Sas hated the way he said that. She knew he phrased it that way on purpose. Five years apart and he was trying to get under her skin in the worst ways possible. She crossed her arms over her chest. It was the only way to hold herself back from slapping him across the face. Not even when he had been a Jedi did he ever joke about that. While she always knew a marriage and a life after the war together was never in their future, she never would have thought it would have come to this conclusion. They were on opposite sides of the war now, and he had thrown away everything they had fought together for. Somehow he still had the nerve to make jokes about a proposal.  

“Just spit it out,Traitor,” Sas said at last, her body trembling with the build and mixture of emotions warring inside her chest.

“Oh no my de-” He stopped himself and shut his amber eyes tightly for a moment before continuing. He let out a breath. “You understand that I found you, right? Had anyone else had the sense to dig deeper they would have found you. If anyone else found you, you'd already be in an interrogation chamber.” He said, his tone almost seeming annoyed, but his brows had that little furrow they always got when he was thinking hard about something.

 Had he not cut her so deep, she might have felt sympathy for the brief hint of anguish that crossed his features. She might have even taken his warning seriously. But this was Abusivus, not Obi-Wan, and Sas wasn’t going to let him make her feel so vulnerable again. She kept Brisa’s face in place, watching him with serious but tired green eyes.

Abusivus continued when there was no answer. “I can petition to have you cleared of any charges, Sas. You wouldn’t need to disguise yourself any longer-”

“So what's stopping you? Shouldn’t be difficult for someone like you.” All he was offering was empty promises. Once upon a time they had sworn to each other that they wouldn’t do such things to each other.

“Might I ask what information you’re specifically looking for at this time? Obviously you’re spying for someone.”

“I’m not feeling inclined to share that.”

“I should have guessed as much.”

“Is that all you wanted from me? To figure out who I’m working with and what they want? I would have thought a sith lord would have had a more tempting offer than to just clear my record.” Each word felt like a crack forming in a pressurized tank. She felt too many things, but he needed to know how he hurt her. What he was doing to her. She needed to relieve some of the pressure.

The faintest hint of a smile came to him. “I believe you’ve turned down better offers with much less at stake. You must forgive me for that very poor attempt.”

“I don’t have to forgive you for anything.”

Again the Grand Admiral shut his eyes for a heart beat too long. “I don’t suppose you do, and I should understand why. It is a shame it has come to this.”

“I’m not so sure it would have ended any better for us in another life,” Sas answered simply. She would have preferred it wasn’t this one, she would have preferred an ending where she died before having to know how wrong things truly went.

“I like to imagine there is at least one reality where we end up happy.”

“You’re purposely trying to distract me. Just  tell me what you want or kill me.”

“Sas,” he started again, and for a moment she caught a glimpse of the man who lit up her world and kept her going during the clone wars. The one who kept her safe and made her feel loved. “I need your help. I can’t do this without you.” He looked to something behind her for just a brief moment and she got the feeling they were running out of time. “What if I told you, that your perception is flawed? ”

“What if I told you, I’d rather get back to work,” Sas answered. She still had people waiting on her, but she was going to be more careful about her words. 

If she were being honest with herself, and she was very worried that she couldn’t be in that moment, something about his tone sounded familiar. He was asking her for help, but she wasn’t sure what exactly he needed help doing. He said her perception was flawed. She could only assume that things weren’t quite what she was expecting them to be. He hadn’t killed her yet so that at least was a good start. There was more to it though. 

Sas turned away from his gaze. Hanging on the wall next to another painting of the Naboo countryside, was something that looked like some kind of schematic. The longer she looked the more the halls looked like tunnels twisting and knotting underground. She blinked and it hit her. It was the layout for a Geonocian factory.

Abusivus’ offer reminded her of the one Count Dooku made him nearly ten years ago when they had been captured on Geonosis. Dooku had told the truth then. Maybe Abusivus was telling the truth too. Maybe he hadn’t really fallen.

She looked back to the Grand Admiral. The corners of his lips pulled upward ever so slightly. 

Perhaps Abusivus planted that thought in her head. There was only one thing to do; be smarter than Obi-Wan had been when faced with this same choice.

“I want the clean slate, pay raise, no questions asked, and I’ll do whatever you need me to,” Sas answered at last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As always thank you for reading! I hope you are enjoying this story so far! It was meant to just be a one shot and has taken on a whole life of its own lol And like always, likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated! Thank you for the love on the last two chapters!

Tag List: @itsonlymyecho @heyhawtdawgs @pickleprickle

Like what you've read? Join the tag list