#yeah they’ll mess it up sometimes bc they’re both traumatized kids but in the end they’re always gonna be there for each other

[grapesodatozier]

apologies as always for how incoherent I get when talking about mileven lmao but I’m having thoughts about them again and how important mike is to el, and how consistently there for her he is, and how that plays into st4 vol 2 especially.

as soon as mike meets her, he’s listening to her. he doesn’t tell her it’s weird when she says no to closing the door, he finds an in between and asks her if it’s okay with her before walking away. he spends 353 days listening for her, and reminding her that he’s there for her whenever she’s ready. he listens in s3 and thinks over what she said, and even in the midst of all this when she’s hurting or in trouble he shows up for her and defends her against flayed billy and holds her when it’s over and she’s exhausted, then apologizes and encourages her to be her own person and pursue what makes her happy, while making clear that he wants to be there with her when she does. he pays attention, and he remembers what happened when el turned herself to dust to save them all in s1 so he stands up for her in s3 when she won’t stand up for herself bc no one else there (except lucas, who also comes through for el in a big way) understands what el has been through and how far she’ll push herself for others bc she feels like it’s all on her. mike again is there for her in s4, crossing half the country to prove that he’ll always be there for her.

and to me that’s the crux of his speech to her. el’s series-long arc, to me, is about guilt and feeling solely responsible and alone. so it’s so powerful to me that she tells brenner he’s at fault, not her, and at the end of that she has mike right there, who led a multi-day, endless search across the desert for her, showing her she’s never doing anything alone anymore. but, naturally, when faced with the stress of seeing max being hurt, she slips back into the guilt and gets incredibly overwhelmed (especially bc she has henry constantly blaming her), so what helps her get through is mike. and to me it’s not even really about the “I love you,” to me it’s about the “I’m right here” and the “i can’t lose you” and “I need you to fight.” that’s what it’s always been about. when el is faced with all this pressure and is falling back into that place where she thinks it’s all on her, when she’s feeling powerless and alone and immense guilt, mike is there to say “this is not all on you, I’m right here, I’m always gonna be right here, you’re never alone in doing this anymore.” and to me, that’s what that scene is all about. he says I can’t fight this the way you can but I’m here for you and I always will be. please come back to me. and she does! she always comes back to him like he always comes back to her 💕

there’s a beautiful children’s book I love about grief, and in it one of the characters has a huge block she has to drag around, and her new friend comes up to her and asks her to hang out, and she says “maybe tomorrow?” bc she doesn’t feel she can move the block or let go of it. and over the course of the book, the new friend keeps coming back, and listens, and helps the grieving character pull the block until she can talk about her grief, and the block gets smaller. it doesn’t go away, and it’s still hers, but her new friend helps her with it and stays with her and it gets smaller. and it just makes me cry all the time bc like…that’s what love is!!!!

and that’s what mike does for el. el has gone through so much terrible shit, but mike is always there to listen to her and help her carry it. he never stops waiting for her, he never stops writing to her, he never stops looking for her, he’s always there at the end of each season to listen to her.

and we hear from mike that el still thinks it’s all her fault, but she told mike she feels that way!! that is a huge step!! even if she does still feel solely responsible at this incredibly low point, she knows that she can share that feeling with mike. a part of her knows she’s not alone even in the moments she feels most alone bc mike always shows up for her and listens to her. when visiting max in the hospital, el leans on mike. even in her darkest moments of isolation and guilt, she knows instinctively that she can lean on mike.

and that’s where their relationship is for me. in every single time they say to each other, “I’m here.”