#yes i know putting this online is a horrible idea and I'm going to regret this later but

[survey--s]

622.

How long have you been sober?   I haven't had any alcohol since New Year.

Do you think you are an argumentative person?   Hmm, I don't start arguments but equally I'm not going to sit there and take shit without standing up for myself.

How’s your heart lately? It's absolutely fine.

Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?   Yeah, occasionally. He's actually planning to come up on here on holiday at some point soon.

Is it harder to be rejected or to reject someone else?   Be rejected. Rejecting someone is horrible but at least you know the reasons for it and you're not left guessing.

What is the best thing about your current job?   Working for myself and getting to spend all with animals.

What’s the last thing you drank?   Pepsi Max.

Have you been on a date in the park?   Sure, quite a few times.

Where are you going on your next vacation?   Manchester.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?   How are you defining new/old?

Have you ever gotten so wasted, you didn’t know what was going on?   Yes.

Do you like pulp orange juice? Not really. I'll drink it if that's all there is but it's not my favourite.

Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun?   The sun.

Who and when was the last person of the opposite sex that hugged you?   Mike - this morning.

Were you single on your last birthday?   No.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?   Mike. Do you have a friend who you think is a sex addict?   No, but I don't really ask other people about their sex lives.

When was the last time you cried?   I honestly couldn't tell you.

Ever kissed a Robert, Tyler, Ryan, or Michael?   Yes, a Michael. Two Michaels, in fact.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?   It's my last full day off for about six weeks.

When will your next kiss be? Tonight.

Do you hate the last person you kissed?   No.

Where is the last person you kissed?   Sorting stuff out in the garage.

Has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?   Yes.

Who was last to cook for you?   My mum.

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you?   Yep.

Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for?   Very vaguely. It was online and over eight years ago now.

All girls deserve sunshine right?   Everyone deserves sunshine.

Who was the last person you saw besides family?   Sally.

What are you not looking forward to?   Going back to work lol. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but it's been SO nice having these last two weeks off.

What makes you cry right now?   Nothing is making me cry right now.

Will this week be a good one? I think it'll be a weird one as the forecast is for a heatwave so even though I'm back at work it won't be a "proper" week as I'll be shortening walks and swapping to home visits half the time.

Who is the last person that texted you? Mike.

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing?   George.

What are you listening to? Below Deck: Sailing Yacht.

What are you going to do next?   Probably go and put my pizza in the oven.

Will you regret your next kiss?   No.

Who was the last person you gave the finger to?   Mike but it wasn't in a serious way.

Do you currently have feelings for anybody?   Yep.

Who did you last make plans with? Suzanne.

Are you the oldest?   I'm an only child.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? Yep.

Do you enjoy eating veggies? That depends which veggies we're talking about.

Do you know the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian?   Of course.

Who did you text most today? Mike or Suzanne.

Do you have a reason to frown right now?   I'm starting to get a headache - I think it's the humidity.

Would you prefer to go out on a fancy date or just chill in his house? The former, just because it's something different.

Are you wearing socks? Nope.

Do you enjoy long car rides? I love the idea of them but the reality is that they're uncomfortable and I always end up feeling exhausted and a bit sick lol.

Where is the person you fell the hardest at?   In the garage, lol.

When was the last time you got drunk?   Years ago.

What cell phone provider do you have?   o2.

Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?   Yes.

Do you own a laptop?   Yes.

Favorite smell in the world? Freshly baked bread, cut grass, coffee, bacon.

[jankwritten]

having a hard time existing alone in my head rn so I'm jut gonna kind of dump all of my stressed out bullshit into this post so I can stop just having it all ricochet around in there sorry about that let's hope this immediately gets buried. I don't want to post it but I know that if I don't post it it's going to sit in the back of my mind and I hate that so I just gotta fuckin hit the button and hope nobody reads this WAHOO.

grey is oversharing on the internet again, who woulda guessed. i think part of why i feel the need to post this is because somebody else might feel the same in some capacity and therefore I won't feel so alone. hm. either way: don't read this if you're uncomfortable with strangers on the internet being stupidly open about cringey thoughts and feelings. don't read this if you get secondhand embarrassment either lmao.

edit: the fact that a sugardaddy bot thing just commented on this has reminded me of the absurd beauty that is reality.

i'm having one of those days where everything feels like it's my fault no matter how much I tell myself that it isn't and that it's largely selfish of me to think that I matter so much that I'm the one causing everybody all of their problems. i know that's not true. I know that I might have CONTRIBUTED to some of it by being careless but that doesn't automatically mean that I caused it or it's entirely my fault and that's really hard to contend with for some reason.

i'm terrified that all of my friends and family hate me all of a sudden because I know they don't.

i can't do my homework because my ADHD is out of control and I feel like I'm numb and floating out of my own head every time I even sit and TRY to concentrate on the readings I should have done 4 days ago. I will do my homework and it will take me 3 hours longer than it normally does and that's okay but it doesn't feel like it's okay and I can't control it because everyone i talk to in any medical or serious capacity doesn't seem to take me seriously when I say I think I have ADHD or autism or SOMETHING that does this to me, because I have a 4.0, and I get nothing but As, and that's because I have crippling anxiety that balances it out.

I only just today learned that it's OKAY to tell people when you might not be around much because you're having a bad day. if I start doing that too I feel like i'll just use it like a crutch and never talk to anybody again even though i love talking to people.

i feel like i'm messed up but not messed up enough to really SAY that I'm messed up because all I'm messed up is in my own head and I DID IT to myself, nobody else did it. i'm fucked up in a way that doesn't make sense when I try to explain it because the way it is is just ME, in my OWN HEAD, saying this shit and coming up with things and not being able to forget it or stop thinking about it until it haunts me. maybe that's just what having anxiety is but wow does it feel fucking isolating. like no, my parents never abused me or neglected me, but I grew up terrified that there was always the possibility that they COULD and I got it into my head that there is ALWAYS going to be that possibility which means that I always have to be on my guard and always being the best person I can be so I at least know that when it happens it's not because I deserve it.

i keep looking over at my door expecting someone to walk in and catch me crying about all this and I'm so scared of that that I'm holding off tears in the privacy of my own space for the fear of it. like that can't be normal, can it?

none of this to mention the fact that I think when I got COVID it majorly fucked with my memory and COVID isolation/quarantine for the past 2 years really sapped all of my social understanding and awareness and now every time I leave the house I'm TERRIFIED of having to interact with other people because I just flat out don't know how. i don't really remember anything anymore. what I do remember is always the most anxious parts, the scariest parts because they are what made me feel the most.

ugh. I think everything has been building up to today for weeks now lmao i'm finishing school next week and I'm going to be free for the first time since fuck knows when and I am BRUTALLY TERRIFIED of what comes next. i have all of these obligations and things I need to finish for school too that keep slipping my mind, not to mention the things I need to do for IRL.