#yes i run meat produce and our floral departments

[tarudce22]

I hope that everyone that bought flowers from my store yesterday namely the roses that came in a vase, where happy with them.

I had to save those guys so they could go out on the floor again.

Re-did all the arrangements. Which I am not trained to do, as the store i work at doesn't have a true floral department but somehow managed to do. 

At lest those in first shift where most likely happy when they came in today cause that was less glass they had to figure out what to do with.

[queennicoleinboots]

Going Bananas: A Spaghetti with Joebear story in Publix

I had to go to Publix because we ran out of bananas. Joebear was playing League of Legends because it was the only thing he could deal with. He also asked me to get two cans of Greenwise organic tomato paste, Dipatittos Tomato sauce, Chobani creamer, organic spaghetti, two batches of bananas, and one white onion.

When I arrived at the store, I put my face shield on to mock the 5G Covid-19 bullshitdemic. Then I bought Progresso lasagna-style soup, Annie's spgahetti-O's, and Mama Francesca Parmesan cheese. My mom is named Francesca. I have a feeling she has a spy camera on me because she called and asked about my low credit score. Needless to say, I kept shopping and didn't respond.

And then, I ran into the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man.

"Hey! Kool-Aid's here!" the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man said as he was jacking off in the middle of the floral section.

"That's apparent," I said as I bought organic Mueller's spaghetti, Dipattito's tomato sauce, and organic tomato paste. I continued to shop as I trolled the Publix employees by standing there. They might think I am contaminating them.

"I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!!" he yelled as he burst through the wall to leave Publix.

I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

A random Karen who was wearing a NK-95 mask was walking briskly through the store with her basket of organic goods and shouting, "What an ignorant asshole! He wasn't wearing a mask!"

She forgot to mention that breaking through six feet wide of drywall WAS why the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man was ignorant. Not to mention yelling that he was sexually-frustrated added to his level of ignorance.

So I went in the produce aisle, grabbed the two organic batches of bananas, and then beat on my chest like an ape for six minutes while standing six feet away from other shoppers.

"Ugh!!! I hate buying produce. Every time I buy it, it just needs up in the garbage!" I said loudly in frustration. I gave up and bought four organic vine tomatoes that were already packaged.

"IN YOUR GARBAGE!" the Grinch who happened to look like the one in the Jim Carrey movie in 2000 yelled. Joebear hated that fucking movie.

"Excuse me, sir," I said as I approached the Grinch. "You sound a helllll of a lot like Jim Carrey!"

"Why yes. I'm related to him!" the Grinch shouted.

"Oh cool. How?" I asked as I went to look for some decent spinach. Good luck in fucking Georgia.

"I'M HIS UNCLE'S COUSIN'S SISTER'S MOTHER'S BROTHER'S FATHER'S NIECE'S AUNT'S GRANDFATHER'S GRANDMOTHER'S DAUGHTER'S SON'S FORMER BUNK MATE IN THE GULF WAR!!!!" he shouted. Every mother fucker in the produce section looked at him.

"What does that make you?!" another Karen shouted.

"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!" he shouted before his laughter boomed throughout the store. Finally, something interesting happens in this place that doesn't involve fucking work.

All of a sudden, Paul the Goat charged in the produce aisle and bleated loudly. "I can't take the government anymore! I can't take the conspiracy! And most of all, I will not stand for our poisoned food supply or KARENS!!!!" he shouted. "Hiyah!" He was quickly checking the produce and throwing the spongy, rotted fruit at the Karens in the store.

I hid my basket in a corner and started rolling on the floor laughing. "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL QUALITY CONTROL!" I yelled as I laughed and slapped my knee.

The Grinch yelled, "AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!!!!" He then hobbled after the Karens to terrorize them.

The Karens were running for their lives.

The Grinch was making all kinds of barking noises as he hobbled around every aisle to terrorize customers. Paul the Goat was bleating and throwing rotted produce like it was going out of style.

The manager of Publix came out and started laughing out of shock.

"You should work here instead, Paul! You're great at quality control. Besides, this is better than your current job" I shouted in the midst of belly laughter. Paul the Goat worked for the state tax department.

Paul the Goat bleated. "I should! It's much better than my actual job. And more fun! Fuck rotted produce. And fuck Karens!" he said excitedly with another bleat.

The manager stumbled over to Paul the Goat while laughing. "You're hired as the head produce manager! Apparently, the current produce manager is a Karen."

Sure enough, the fat produce manager walked out with her brown hair right near her chin and wore ugly glasses over her blue eyes. She was the biggest Karen I ever saw. I wanted to fucking beat her with my cart.

Paul the Goat bleated loudly and sounded like a trumpet before he threw rotten peaches, rotten bell peppers, and rotted bags of green beans at her.

Smeagull hobbled in the store and was eating the rotted fruit on the floor. The Grinch came over and started eating it as well before he yelled, "IN YOUR GARBAGE!!!!" again.

"You have to pay for that!!!" the store manager yelled.

"MY PRECIOUS!!!!!" Smeagull shouted as he threw the ring at the store manager while he continued to eat.

The store manager put the ring on his finger before he took it off and put it with his keys to the store. "Thank you, Smeagull. You now can eat all the rotten produce you want for life!" (Pays to be a swamp golem.)

The Grinch hobbled over to the store manager before asking, "Are you hiring?" He then smiled with crooked, half-rotted teeth. Come to think of it, he looked like a typical Georgia swamp creature.

"Yes! Yes, I am," the store manager said. "We need a stock person and entertainer. Georgia is too fucking boring."

"I'm your guy. Let me eat the rotten fruit and meat that would end up in your garbage, and that will be all the payment I require," the Grinch said as he tapped his fingers on both hands together.

"You're hired!" the store manager exclaimed. (See? There are jobs if you don't mind eating rotted, poisonous processed food for the rest of your short life. Well, the Grinch is immortal, buuuutttt nobody seems to give a fuck about that right now.)

Once I finished laughing and going ape shit, then I grabbed my white onion.

Everyone stayed the fuck away from me while I scouted for my Chobani creamer. I trolled a Black Lives Matter supporter by screaming "White Power!"

Joebear called me, and I answered.

"Get this fucking garbage out of here!" he said as he was playing League of Legends.

"IN YOUR GARBAGE!!" The Grinch shouted

"Everyone's dead no wonder! So, Bae.. how's shopping?" Joebear asked with a sigh.

"Great. The Grinch, Paul the Goat, and Smeagull are trolling Publix," I said. "How's League of Legends?"

"I ban Kayn every fucking time. If I don't, he destroys the whole team. You can't counter travelling through the terrain. I guess mushrooms and boxes are the only way. Piece of shit. I'll go Shaco. It's one of the only counters to that. Shaco's the only counter to that. Ughh... Akali is a cunt," Joebear said.

Then he and I both laughed.

"I'm using Brand, a champ I barely know. Ugh, I'm so dead," Joebear said.

Then I checked the fuck out of the store.