#yo anakin is somewhere losing his mind right now

[star-wars-fashion]

I cannot fucking believe this. I am. so. I don't even know what the fuck to think anymore.

I was thinking about an old headcanon that I have about Obi-Wan’s biological family so I looked up stuff about his past on Wookieepedia just to see if my headcanon could actually be plausible and asdfgbhjkiujhygf the shit I just read has me losing my gotdamn mind.

Sorry I know this is supposed to just be a fashion blog but I have to talk about this somewhere. 

I was certain that Obi-Wan was born on Coruscant. idk why but I was fully convinced that that was his home world. anyway, I had a headcanon that he had an older sister and that she and his parents all still lived in the depths of Coruscant and that Obi-Wan even met them once by accident. Like he and Anakin were just strolling through the underbelly for some reason or for a mission maybe. then they bump into some woman that recognizes Obi-Wan she’s like “yo are you my little brother that got adopted by the jedi? cool?! come meet mom and dad, they would be thrilled to see you!” Obi would hesitate but she would insist. then they’d go meet Obi-Wan’s parents, maybe some cousins too, and it would be awkward and Obi would make up an excuse to leave and then never talk to them again because “”no attachments”” or whatever.

Time passes, the jedi fall, Obi-Wan goes into hiding on Tatooine, Darth Vader is trying (and failing) to track him down. then he remembers. oh yeah Obi-Wan had some biological family on Coruscant. so Vader does what Vader does and. he goes to them. kidnaps them. interrogates them. murders them. maybe Obi-Wan feels this through the Force. maybe he doesn’t since he wasn’t very close with his biological family. but Vader doesn’t care. he just wants to kill anyone associated with Obi-Wan. he wants to kill anyone with the name Kenobi. he just wants Obi-Wan to hurt as much as he’s hurting.

So that was my headcanon. and like I said, I did some research to see if this could even be plausible and. turns out Obi-Wan is NOT from Coruscant but instead from planet called Stewjon

named after Jon Stewart?? at least it explains why I was so convinced that he was born on Coruscant I guess. But I read some more and

OBI-WAN HAS A BROTHER??? NAMED OWEN??? just like Anakin?!!? no wait

reading this made me feel like getting shot in the head three consecutive times. I’m losing my mind. I’m at work right now and I’m losing my mind. I have to hold in my laughter so my coworkers don’t stare. I can’t believe it George, you owe me financial compensation for this.

anyway I’m sticking to my headcanon because it has more emotional weight to me than... whatever the fuck this is.

[theabominableblogger]

Rewatching “Revenge of the Sith”

Ohhhh yeahhh, I’m going there.

My apologies in advance because this post is so long...

*silently boogies out to 20th Century Fox jingle and ends up throwing popcorn everywhere*

*mouths along to opening theme*

WAR!

“Evil is everywhere.”  Dude, this is Star Wars we’re talking about...

Just a heads up, I am so freaking glad that we have The Clone Wars because honestly, it has a lot more flowing character development when it comes from jumping from “Attack of the Clones” to this movie, especially Anakin.

Lens flare!

Holy snot how many Republic ships are there?!?  Did the Separatists come with every single ship imaginable?  Is that why?

Aaaaand that’s a dead body.

The hell are those things?

“Nothing too fancy.”  Says the man [Obi-Wan] who dramatically drops his robes whenever possible.

*imitates the buzz droids*

“IN THE NAME OF-”  Finish the sentence, Obi-Wan!

R2′s taser thingy looks like the Twelfth Doctor’s sonic screwdriver.

What if they didn’t notice the shield in time?

Boom!  End of saga.  Cue end credits music.

Ohhhh this asshole.

WHAAAATTT’SS THE SITUATION, CAPTAINNNN???

*imitates the droids saying “Roger roger”*

How come Anakin and Obi-Wan aren’t getting jostled around when the elevator car first stops?

*quotes the entire “No loose wire jokes” conversation in the elevator*

Is that the same freaking chair that’s gonna pop up in “Return of the Jedi?”

Anakin and Obi-Wan fight Dooku but every time their lightsabers clash, it’s Obi-Wan going “Hello there”

Did Dooku just backwards kick Anakin away?  Oh my God...

DEW IT

 *Anakin kills Count Dooku*  Well done, prequels.  You done didn’t use your Christopher Lee effectively enough.

ALL BATTERIES FIRE, FIRE!

Wilhelm Scream!

*imitates droid saying “Reversing stabilizers...”*

Holy crap, you can actually see Grievous’s face kind of twitching with anger when he commands the droids to level out the ship.  Dang.

Freaking Obi-Wan’s little yell of horror when he wakes up...

*ugly cackles*

*quotes the entire ray shields scene*

I cannot freaking believe that the TV show took the time to make freaking sure that Anakin never met Grievous until this movie.

Actually, yes I can.  They have a goddamn script continuity department.

How come one of them didn’t take one of the electrostaffs?

The Separatist flagship just tore in half when it entered the atmosphere and yet I remain completely unfazed.

“8 plus 16...”  Pfftt, what the heck does that mean?

Guys, I think I found the origin for the Dramatic Hair Flop of Angst in TCW

Pretty sure that’s the Millenium Falcon at the bottom hangar

“Oh, I’m not brave enough for politics.”  *cough cough*

Obi-Wan gets a whole freaking bus to himself.  Chaos will ensue.

How has no one noticed Padme just hanging out next to one of the pillars?

“There were whispers... that you [Anakin] had been killed...”  Really?

Anakin’s reaction to Padme telling him that she’s pregnant is actually really good.

Wasn’t there like a deleted interaction where Anakin first accused Padme of sleeping with someone else while he was gone but then they decided that was not that great of an idea?

The music that plays when Grievous exits the shuttle is pretty sweet

*imitates Grievous saying “Yes, Lord Sidious?”*

*claps with each word*  This is not how you write romance, [George] Lucas!

Oh I didn’t realize that you could actually hear Anakin’s robotic arm move when he puts his face in his hands

“How long is it gonna take before we start being honest with each other?”  You [Padme] should have asked that before you two got hitched in the first place.

Ladies and gentlemen, the absolute worst therapy lesson in the history of Star Wars:  Yoda telling Anakin to basically get over himself and accept the sudden, incoming death of the people he loves.

“What must I do, Master Yoda?”  MOTHEREFFING IGNORE HIM!

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”  NOOO, OH MY GOD...

There’s actually a whole video by Pop Culture Detective that went into detail how terrible the Jedi Council were when it came to giving Anakin emotional support.

“Be careful of your friend Palpatine.”  And your pal, Friend-patine.

I just noticed that there are less chairs in the Jedi Council room

“The Council doesn’t like it when he [Palpatine] interferes with Jedi affairs.”  Then why the heck don’t they confront Palpatine about it?

Holy crap, I just realized that this movie came out 13 years ago.

“Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo...” Was that really “holding” though?

Anakin’s delivery of “At last!” sounds like Darth Maul when he said “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi” in the first movie.

This entire opera scene should be a dead give away to Anakin learning about Palpatine being the Sith Lord.  The minute Palpatine even said the word “Sith” should have raised a few red flags...

This entire Darth Plaguesis explanation is so good and ominous.  Just the minute Palpatine finishes the story and tells Anakin that there are other ways to gain that sort of power, you can just gradually feel the dread setting in for the rest of the movie.  You just know something bad is gonna happen (besides Anakin becoming Darth Vader)...

Look at the way Obi-Wan’s sitting in his chair!

Oh my God... the Wookies just did a Tarzan yell...

Headcanon:  he’s [Anakin] checking for updates about the Siege of Mandalore

OK, everyone craps on the Utapau storyline with the fight scene between Obi-Wan and Grievous but I actually think this is one of the best parts in the movie.

I love the design for the Pau’ans

GUYSSS I LOVE BOGA SO MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!

Someone get me a plush animal of her on my desk pronto!

HELLO THERE!

GENERAL KENOBIII... YOU ARE A BOLD ONE...

That pose though!

That spinning helicopter move Grievous does while stalking toward Obi-Wan was always really cool to me.  A little extra, but still cool.

ARMY OR NOT... YOU MUST REALIZE... YOU ARE DOOMED!

Oh I don’t think so!

*imitates Obi-Wan using the Force to throw Grievous*

Wait, so how many times has Cody had to hold onto Obi-Wan’s lightsaber when Obi-Wan freaking drops it?

Death Star plans?

Big question:  so how old is Anakin here?  He’s 19/20 in “Attack of the Clones” and there’s at least a one or two year time jump in S3 of TCW.

Yo, that means he was like late 30s/early 40s when he died in “Return of the Jedi.”  Well shoot, man...

Yeah, Obi-Wan, let’s freaking kick the crazy homicidal cyborg.  Great idea.

Is Grievous just covered in gasoline or something because he just went up in flames *snaps* just like that.

Ohhhh this scene with Anakin and Padme looking at the windows of their respective places is really good...

Look at freaking Anakin here! 

George Lucas deserves any and all sins for the bad dialogue for Anakin because Hayden Christensen can really act when he’s not given any dialogue and he’s just told to react. 

So, with that, henceforth, there shall be no dissing Hayden Christensen on my blog.

I AM THE SENATE!

Dramatic window break!

Palpatine’s lightsaber just freaking deactivated as soon as Windu kicked it out the window

Wowwww... the prosthetics on Palpatine look.. bad....

UNLIMITED.... POOWEEERRRRR!!!

I just realized that Anakin kind of walks over to Palpatine on his knees before he pledges himself to Palpatine

Why Darth “Vader” though?  Is there any special reasoning for that?

AN:  Holy crap, there’s an hour left and Anakin has just turned to the Dark Side...

Pfftttt....

THESE SHOTS THOUGH

Man, I need to download more tracks from this soundtrack...

You can tell that that’s green screen behind Cody

*in best Palpatine impression*  Execute Order 66!

Nooooooooooooo, Boga!

Aaaaand everyone dies and it sucks now!

Ughh, Aayla Secura...

NOOOOOOOOOO PLO KOONN!

What planet is that?

Here’s my question:  in Rebels, how the heck did Thrawn get Gree’s helmet?  Was there an imperial campaign out on Kashyyyk and he found it somewhere?

That small matte painting shot of the Jedi Temple burning is actually really pretty now that I see it again

Yooooo can we talk about this padawan though?

Kashyyyk has twin moons...

So what happens to Chewie after this and before the Han Solo movie?

Heeeyyyyyyy I know that kind of ship!

“Have faith, my love [Padme]...”  Uhhhh... Padme should have picked up on how... off that line was

How has NO ONE in the Senate (besides Organa and probably Mon Mothma) picked up on Padme’s pregnancy?

*imitates Palpatine*  Mustafaaarrrrr....

“Could be a trap.”  It’s Star Wars.  There’s always a trap.

What’s that planet right next to Mustafar?

Random xylophone scales!

Yoda is taking no prisoners!

Where are the lightsaber/balster holes in the younglings?  Yoda said that they were probably killed by lightsaber so where are the marks on their bodies?

Yellow eyes...

“So this is how liberty dies:  with thunderous applause.”  Best.  line.  Ever.  Someone send flowers and chocolates to Natalie Portman.

“I've recalibrated the code, warning all surviving Jedi to stay away.”  Aaaagghh and we see it in Rebels and in the Last Padawan comic!

Don’t mind me casually dying

I just noticed that gradually throughout this movie, you can see Obi-Wan get grey hairs in his sideburns

*Obi-Wan sneaks onto Padme’s ship to Mustafar*  Where did he come from?!?

“You [Darth Vader] have restored peace and balance to the galaxy.”  *in best Anakin voice*  OK... now what?

“And together, you [Padme] and I [Anakin] can rule the galaxy! We can make things the way we want them to be!”  Wow, “The Last Jedi” is just smackin’ me in the face right now

Anakin... you’re breaking my heart!

That is just extremely bad timing on Obi-Wan’s part

YOU HAVE DONE THAT YOURSELF!

Your new Empire?!?

DEMOCRACY!

“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”  A what?

That’s a pretty nasty lisp you have there.  Might wanna do something about that.

You know how this Yoda vs. Palpatine fight could be more amazing?  Just add helium

Honestly, for the BIG DEAL fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan, it just goes on for a little bit too long.

Plus when it’s intercut with the Yoda vs. Palpatine, the latter is way more entertaining (hello, two most powerful peope going head to head with actual Force lightning being involved?)

Are they [Anakin and Obi-Wan] just kicking each other with the Force now?  Wow...

NOT EVEN HITTING EACH OTHER!

Seriously, they’re just banging their lightsabers together and calling that a fight.  C’mon... actually try to hit the opponent!

Duel of the Fates!

*Palpatine throws the Senate chairs at Yoda with the Force* So I threw the Senate at him!

Honestly, you could cut out this whole balance thing on the sinking balcony and mining buildings/walkways

Commander Fox?

ExPLOsions...

Noooo... cut this out...

“Into exile, I [Yoda] must go.  Failed, I have.”  And yet people complain about Luke doing the exact same thing in the sequel trilogy

You’re not even trying to hit each other!

FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, THE JEDI ARE EVIL!

IT’S OVER, ANAKIN!  I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!

YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!

“You were my brother, Anakin.  I loved you.”  Uuuggghhhh....

I actually read somewhere that Ewan McGregor actually asked George Lucas to change the line to past tense instead of the original present tense.  Which is sad, so thanks Ewan.

Can’t you just put out the fire with the Force?

How did 3PO and R2 get an unconscious Padme on board?

Where is this?

*Palpatine’s shuttle lands in Coruscant*  It was a dark and stormy night...

Y’know, at this point, me comparing Anakin being repaired and transformed into Darth Vader and the creation of Frakenstein’s monster is almost inevitable at this point...

Stupid question, but what’s the significance of the names “Luke” and “Leia” concerning the themes present in the movies?  Or is that up to people like me who enjoy the meta to find that out?

He [Darth Vader] just killed that medical droid next to him...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Do not want....

“...[Qui Gon] learned the path to immortality...” In the TV show!

I like how the last line in this freaking movie is “Oh no!” and it’s from 3PO...

Triceratops rams!

The design for Padme’s funeral garb is actually Iain McCaig’s favorite concept art

How did they develop TIE fighters so quickly?

Oh my God, the dude they got to play Tarkin... oh God...

Definitely not Peter Cushing

*gasp*  Leia’s theme!

Random eopie noise!

Oh my God, “Binary Suns”...

Obi-Wan’s like “Great, now I gotta help a pair of random, separate Force-sensitive teenagers and their astromechs in the near future...”

Wait, they put Ewan McGregor in top billing?

“With Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu”  Thamuel El Jackthson!

Holy crap, I forgot Joel Edgerton plays young Uncle Owen

[junker-town]

7 LeBron James trade ideas for the most untradeable player of all time

These are very serious suggestions. We promise. (Fingers crossed)

During a quiet moment on a nondescript offseason night, NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant and advertising-copywriter-turned-moderately-successful-rapper Lil’ Dickey engaged in a casual conversation about the Cavaliers possibly trading LeBron James. It was civil, sincere, and engaging, a total rarity for Twitter.

The conversation was topical in that LeBron is a free-agent-to-be that’s reportedly frustrated with the Cavaliers’ dysfunction. It was also a complete fantasy because LeBron James cannot be traded — legally because he has a no-trade clause, and functionally because no team would ever trade LeBron freakin’ James.

Still, it got us thinking: what if the Cavaliers actually could trade LeBron and decided they needed to do so? What could possibly be fair value for the greatest basketball player of this generation?

Behold, our ideas:

WE’RE ACTUALLY KINDA SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE

The trade

LeBron James and Channing Frye to Boston

Al Horford, Jae Crowder, one of Jaylen Brown OR Jayson Tatum, and either the 2018 Nets pick OR the 2018 Lakers/2019 Kings pick from the Markelle Fultz deal to Cleveland

This trade fails only because LeBron has a no-trade clause. We’re assuming he waives it, for whatever reason.

WHY THE CAVS DO IT

There’s a perfect storm of circumstances brewing between Boston’s current place in the NBA hierarchy, their absurd treasure trove of assets, the Cavaliers’ dysfunction, and the threat of James bolting for nothing next summer. In any other year, Dan Gilbert would automatically lean on LeBron and friends for a final title run, but the superteam in the Bay Area changes that dynamic.

If the Cavs are resigned to losing LeBron next summer anyway, netting a haul like this sets them up well for an entire generation moving forward. A potential lineup of Kyrie Irving (should he want to stay with Bron gone), J.R. Smith, Jae Crowder, Kevin Love, and Al Horford with Derrick Rose, Kyle Korver, Tristan Thompson, and one of Brown OR Tatum coming off the bench also ensures the Cavaliers’ short-term prospects won’t be nearly as dark as the last time the King walked.

WHY THE CELTICS DO IT

The same concern that LeBron would leave next summer exists for Boston, but the Celtics have a deeper roster now than Cleveland does and would be a much bigger title threat. LeBron surrounded by Isaiah Thomas, Gordon Hayward, and Brad Stevens would be a lot more likely to knock off the Warriors than LeBron surrounded by a disgruntled Kyrie (or whatever pennies-on-the-dollar return they’d get for him), Kevin Love, and Ty Lue. Getting that ring would be worth it even if LeBon leaves.

There’s also a non-zero chance that LeBron would embrace his situation and sign another contract in Boston. But even if he doesn’t, the Celtics are still set up nicely into the future with 2 blue-chip players (assuming Thomas re-ups), plenty of promising young players and picks, and one of the best coaches in the league.

-Alex Rubenstein

BIG BALLER SCENARIO

The trade

LeBron James to the Lakers

The entire Ball family to Cleveland

WHY THE LAKERS DO IT: It’s LeBron-freaking James. You get to put the biggest star in your city since Kobe, and you get to remove a potential headache in LaVar. It’s perfect. Now we don’t just get LeBron gets to go to the most-marketable city of his career, giving him the opportunity to start not just “Is LeBron better than MJ?” talk, but also “Is he the best Laker ever?” chatter.

WHY THE CAVS DO IT: Young talent and a new beginning. You trade off LeBron here, Kyrie in a separate deal and suddenly you’ve gone from having a point guard who thinks the world is flat to a family who thinks it revolves around them.

Meanwhile, the Ball family will never reach the heady heights of popularity they crave in Los Angeles. Too many fish, even for a big pond. They can walk in and totally own Cleveland. Big Baller sausages, the Browns will be re-named the “Cleveland Balls,” and in time the city will become “Balleveland.” The sky is the limit for their marketing genius. Also you know LaVar would write passionate letters in Comic Sans as well.

-James Dator

BANANA BOAT REUNION

The trade

Just look at the image.

WHY THE BANANA BOAT DOES THIS

The banana boat has been patiently waiting since 2015 for its crew to finally reunite. Honestly the boat has been waiting since the 2003 NBA Draft for LeBron James, Chris Paul, and Dwyane Wade to play together, but it wasn’t public knowledge until the banana boat photo leaked a couple summer ago.

This isn’t just about basketball. This is bigger than the game. This is about brotherhood. This is about family. This is about a bunch of old-ish NBA players finally teaming up because it just feels right.

WHY THE OTHER TEAMS DO THIS

Because the NBA has completely lost its mind trying to beat the Warriors.

-Whitney Medworth

TO THE U.S. SENATE

The trade

LeBron to Washington, D.C.

A congressional seat for LeBron in the state of Ohio, Gogo music, fried chicken with mumbo sauce and Otto Porter to Cleveland.

Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images

Why the D.C does it

Look, I know what you’re thinking: That’s way too much. Nothing in this world is worth the wholesome taste of good chicken drenched in pristine mumbo sauce. Don’t even get me started on the Gogo. Seriously, don’t get me started, because I won’t stop.

But it’s also LeBron James. He’s the greatest player of this generation and D.C. hasn’t seen a title in any sport in 25 years. It’s time for the capitol city to be a contender again, even if that means giving up things we hold near and dear to our hearts.

Why the Cavs do it

This would be the greatest transaction in NBA history. It would finally catapult Cleveland somewhere on the list of places people actually want to visit. “We have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” locals will tell you, but rock hasn’t really been in for almost two decades. What about the lakes? Ain’t nobody worried about no lake, Cleveland.

But good fried chicken? People travel for that. And what goes best with some good chicken? Some mumbo sauce and a bit of percussion on a beat.

Plus, LeBron still gets to make political decisions for the state. It’s a win-win.

-Michael Sykes

BRING THE CITY OF NEW YORK TO CLEVELAND

The trade:

LeBron James to New York

Actual Nightlife, 47 Bodegas, the J train, 4,721 pizzas, 10,000 pounds of Oxtail, 1,950 cheesecakes, and 1,458 slices of chopped cheese to Cleveland.

Why New York does it

It’s LeBron James, the greatest basketball star this generation coming to the biggest market on the planet. There’s no explanation necessary for this one. With LeBron and the players that will flock to join him in New York, the Knicks can see their first championship since 1973 and bring true joy to a fanbase that’s been neglected for decades.

Why Cleveland does it

Let’s face it. Some of the best food you’ll find in this country is in New York. It’s called the melting pot for a reason: you get food from everywhere on Earth here. How many Clevelanders have salivated over a plate of braised oxtails that’s been slow-cooked for 12 hours, served with rice and peas, mac and cheese, cabbage, plantains and sorrel?

They probably don’t understand the gratification that comes with lifting your aluminum tray — one side much heavier than the other — knowing full well your server has blessed you with a copious helping of this sacred dish. With this trade, at the low cost of a 32-year-old LeBron James, Dan Gilbert can bring real happiness to a community that’s been deprived of good food for centuries.

What’s a championship when you can bring cheesecake to The Land?

-Kristian Winfield

THE GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY

The trade

LeBron James to the Empire

Darth Vader, the Death Star plans, 12 stormtroopers, and two Super Star Destroyers to the Cavs

Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

“LeBron, you don’t know the power of the dark side.”

WHY THE EMPIRE DOES IT

The Emperor is always secretly on the lookout to replace Vader with an apprentice that can be more powerful. This is a person that goated Anakin to behead Count Dooku just for the chance that Anakin would take his place. So sacrificing Vader and a series of other goodies for the opportunity to corrupt LeBron is very much in Sidious’ character.

WHY THE CAVS DO IT

Vader isn’t Bron, but he’s a star in his own right and a marketing machine that’ll keep fans engaged during a rebuild. The Death Star itself is obviously off limits, but the plans could be useful to ransom if LeBron wants to return one day. (Think of them like the Heat sending over two draft picks in a LeBron sign-and-trade, which helped the Cavs rebuild to recruit James back later on). The Super Star Destroyers can be quality rotation players for a couple years, and while the stormtroopers are disposable, it’s possible one develops into something useful.

-Mike Prada

AND THEN ... HOODIE MELO

2:34 p.m., Tuesday, Aug. 22

(We’re in an office somewhere in New York City. A whiteboard with names of NBA players stretches across one wall. The faint scent of peyote still lingers, but it’s weeks old. Knicks general manager Scott Perry dials Cavaliers general manager Koby Altman.)

PERRY: Koby! I heard you might be trading LeBron.

ALTMAN: Actually, yeah. NBA Reddit is convinced that James is leaving next year, and so if they think so, it must be happening. We might as well get something in return.

PERRY: Oh that sucks. Well, I’ve got an offer for you.

ALTMAN: Like ... for LeBron? You’re going to offer someone on your roster for ... LeBron?

PERRY: Yeah. How about Melo for LeBron straight up?

ALTMAN, in his Cleveland office: —an you hear me? Can yo— Scott, I think I’m losi- ... I’m going through a tunnel, it must b— ... —ell phone cutting out.

[the phone call cuts out]

11:32 p.m., Sunday, Sept. 3

(We’re in that same New York City office. Empty Monster energy drinks litter the floors now. The peyote smell is back, and it’s fresh. Weird, right? Maybe someone left a stash of it in here. Scott Perry, red eyed and in a crumpled dress shirt, wearily types a number into his phone.)

PERRY: Hey, Koby? I’ve been trying to reach you for a couple weeks. Our conversation got disconnected last time?

ALTMAN, to himself: Why did you answer this phone call

ALTMAN, to Perry: Oh yeah man! I, uh, don’t think that we’re interested in that tra—

PERRY: Carmelo is going to play every game in a hoodie.

ALTMAN, voice rising: —de beCAUSE WE’LL DO IT.

PERRY: Well, I was also going to call the Kin—

ALTMAN: OK WE’LL INCLUDE KEVIN. AND KYRIE, TOO.

PERRY: Oh, wow. Well, I guess ...

ALTMAN: I’M CONNECTING ADAM SILVER RIGHT NOW

SILVER, with what sounds like Migos in the background: um hey guys what’s up

ALTMAN: Hi Adam we’re making a trade please approve it

Takeoff, faintly over Silver’s phone line: —nd did it look like black olives was left off of our pizza orde—

SILVER: Oh shoot, sorry fellas, I’m hosting a few friends for some wine and cheese tonight. Let me go into the other room. OK, OK, I’m good now. What’s the trade?

ALTMAN: It’s Kyrie, Kevin, and LeBron fo—

SILVER: um

ALTMAN: —r Melo who’s gonna wear a hoodie all season

SILVER: OH

ALTMAN, dropping a photo into the NBA general manager Slack channel: Here it is

SILVER: I’m not sure the money or like literally any other rule you have to follow when you make trades matches up but ...

[small pause]

SILVER: Approved. Congrats, fellas.

[Perry hangs up. Silver is still stunned. Altman grins in satisfaction.]

ALTMAN: I told you I’d get these guys traded before the season starts.

SILVER: Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe you fleeced the Knicks like that.

-Tim Cato