#you can bet your ass the girls aren’t doing a thing they’re sunbathing and reading cheap paperbacks

[bedofthistles]

Daddy beach au

Don’t look at me

lol

Robin, David

Richard, Henry

References (the last one isn’t a reference more the vibes I was going for with Henry lol)

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season five, episode eight: i bet jax’s farts smell like protein.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WEIRDOS!

You look amazing! How was your holiday? Great? Great. I love these catch-ups.

GENERIC POP MUSIC - this one’s “na na na na na” and just “na na na na na” over shots of the Golden Gate Bridge because we ain’t in Los Angeles no more, honey. We’re celebrating Ariana’s birthday and still wondering where Lala ran off to. Apparently, Lala just decided not to show up and flaked. As a person with friends who tend to ghost and flake1, while Lala’s in the wrong, at least she had the gall to text to tell them she wasn’t going. It’s still weird, though. She doesn’t really have a reason not to come. Sandoval surprised everyone with an RV! Jax says

“This couldn’t get any better,” which I suppose is what you say when you’re 80 years old and have only experienced horrible things.

I watched this episode with my boyfriend and I yelled out “Can they stop saying RVs are awesome?!” and he said that he thinks they’re awesome, so I’m single now. Brittany also thinks RVs sounds like a great time, but Kentucky Fried Brittany gets a pass2. RVs are not awesome. They’re shit machines on wheels. I can sleep in a car, I don’t need a full bedroom in my car. No one can sell me on the idea that RVs are awesome. No. They’re still in the parking lot when Sandoval swipes a parking roof on his way out because these people don’t know what to do with nice things.

EXTERIOR: NEW YORK CITY. STATUE OF LIBERTY! COLUMBUS CIRCLE! EMPIRE STATE BUILDING! We join Stassi, Kristen, Katie, and Scheana for Stassi’s 28th Birthday in Montauk with the Wirkus twins from Summer House, coming this winter on Bravo. We’re greeted with a montage of Stassi’s worst birthdays3 Stassi is primarily excited to finally be a chameleon because everything in Montauk is blue and white and everything Stassi packed is blue and white! Yay, chameleons! Katie and Stassi knock on wood that Scheana won’t be a party pooper and want to do the things they want to do and not the things Scheana wants to do because Scheana is so 2000-and-late.

Ariana and Tom spent up the butt for tickets to a NASCAR game (why) and Ariana’s worried that Lala not showing up is going to give everyone grounds to hate her. And she’s completely right. Brittany’s complaining to Jax that he didn’t sit next to her on the plane, and he just doesn’t like to spend all of his time with his significant other. I hate agreeing with Jax, but I’m a big fan of personal space and alone time when you can get it. Brittany decided to FaceTime Scheana and immediately tells Scheana that Lala didn’t come up to Sonoma. Scheana, of course, is mad because she couldn’t go on the trip because Lala took her space, but it’s okay because she’s in Montauk with three women who can’t stand her! Yay, Scheana! Brittany calls the Sonoma trip “a redneck dream”, to which I said, “I thought the 2016 election was a redneck’s dream.” I am so witty.

Lisa Vanderpump is obligated to appear in every episode of this show, so, of course, they call her from where she’s delegating Peter/Ray Romano as to what to do at Sexy Unique Restaurant that night. Ariana for some reason asks Lisa if she’d seen Lala under the guise of wondering if she came into work. Lisa is irritated for good reason - she gave Lala the night off and she’s not where she said she would be? We get a great reminder that Lala lies a lot - remember when she took a “modeling job” for time off while she really hung out on some old guy’s boat? - so Lisa doesn’t believe Lala. Ariana officially thinks Lala is shady and is over it.

The Heather Wannabes all gather on the beach in Montauk for drinks and sunbathing - y’all are from California - and Scheana’s not drinking because Stassi stole her straw and ice hurts her teeth.

You read that correctly: Scheana’s not drinking because Stassi stole her straw and ice hurts her teeth. Stassi takes offense to that, of course, because everyone should be drinking on her birthday. Stassi admits she’s happy Lala’s not around Tom Schwartz, a fact I pointed out last week because it really was shocking Katie allowed him to be alone with Lala. I loved Katie being like “Lala doesn’t wear underwear and likes skinny-dipping, so she’s a monster.”

You’re the goddamn monster, Katie. Ugh. She’s literally obsessed with Lala taking her top off one time in a pool, you’d think Lala walked around with her nipples poking everyone in the eye. Stassi admits they’re all haters, and I want her to acknowledge they’re worse than that. I’m a hater. They’re monsters.

I can’t think of which vacation I’d like to be on less.

Jax is still recovering from his boob job and apparently hasn’t washed his body or his wound since then, which is disgusting. Jax is basically really smelly, which makes sense since he’s a 600-year-old cadaver they found in a basement in New England. They’re at a winery because that’s pretty much all Northern California is. Ariana calls it a “high-class thing” to go to a winery but THEY showed up in a Winnebago so they’re edgy and different. I’ve returned to making fun of Ariana’s false sense of superiority. I still think she’s a babe, don’t get me wrong, and I also like a lot about her. She just has this constant need to other herself that drives me crazy.

Jax would rather be at a “vodka vineyard4”, and Tom described a wine as having a “semen finish”, which is both horrific and something I enjoy in my wine. In case you were wondering (we know you were), I like my white wines to taste like salt and my reds to taste like dirt. They drink Chardonnay and I VOMIT. CHARDONNAY IS THE WORST. Brittany doesn’t know the difference between Malbec and Maybach, but she does know sangria! Brittany is still the best. My boyfriend (who I don’t believe has ever watched a full episode of this show) agrees. Mostly because I asked “Do you agree?” and he knows better than to say no. They play cards to see who’s going to drink the leftover wine from the spittoon, and of course, Cool Girl Ariana Is One Of The Guys and is game to drink it. I gagged. Spit really grosses me out.

Back in Montauk, Kristen got shat on by a bird while simultaneously talking about her “perfect relationship”, which is why you don’t talk about your perfect relationships, people. She reads Stassi for FILTH when she tells her to shut up because Stassi doesn’t even have a boyfriend. I gasped aloud at that because it really is shady as hell to say to someone’s face. Scheana basically insinuates that Stassi may be acting the way she is because she had what she considered the dream and it all fell apart. Scheana won’t say karma’s a bitch because she doesn’t hold grudges and that…

Scheana gets 200 clapping hands emojis for that line. Scheana may just be pretty-ish but credit’s due somewhere.

Stassi basically cries because she’s the only single one on her birthday with her friends who are just telling her to go out and make out with someone. Can we get Stassi as the next Bachelorette?

OH GOD IT’S A JAMES SCENE. He shows up wearing glasses - probably fake, which reaffirms his place as The Devil - and a blazer, and apparently is two weeks sober and has replaced alcohol with ice cream. I hope someone’s fattening him up with the intention of cooking him. Like Joel McHale on Difficult People, a show you better be watching! James considers “rum raisin” to be exciting and pronounces espresso as “ex-presso”, so James is all of our aunts now. He’s meeting with Arthur, who’s the GM at Pump and is a good looking ass dude. Arthur drops some amazing, sound advice that James’ issues are deeper and different that what James says, but of course, James is just using him for a job connection instead of taking him at what seems to be a great, valid word. More Arthur, please.

Ariana’s wasted and having a grand oletime with Brittany, where they drank most of a bottle of tequila together, and Cool Girl Ariana is just happy to not have to run around in a pretty dress and makeup. Ariana’s not like other girls, she’s a cool girl. Apparently , Tom Sandoval and Ariana aren’t having sex, despite Tom really wanting to. Brittany and Jax don’t understand how that works but it’s really that simple - you just don’t want to go to Bonetown. That’s all. Sometimes sleeping feels great, too. Ariana makes a really offensive generalization about women only wanting to talk about tampons and makeup when really women talk about sex too. I get her intent here, I just wish she didn’t word it under such a misogynistic guise. Tom never gets to see Ariana being a wasted mess - putting ketchup on a steak, primarily - but they’re all loving it, as am I.

We’re at The Alley and Deck Bar in Montauk, where they’re deciding what to drink. Kristen’s saying “I’ll do whatever you want”, and Scheana’s worried about being hungover from one green tea shot. Kristen always regrets her choices so she drinks anyway, and Kristen is an all-star in this episode. Scheana basically admits she doesn’t want to drink sugary drinks because of her diet, which is respectable, and Katie “I Anger-Ate A Head of Iceberg Lettuce On Camera” Maloney and Kristen share the shot Scheana took a sip of. Ugh. They do a shot with some older dudes who wants to hang out with them later, blah blah blah. They also flirt with some cute dude whose only flaw is he’s interested in Katie and wearing a fedora. Katie steals a grapefruit before they leave.

Has anything happened in this episode, either?

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, James is visiting Max and Lisa and spills the T about what happened to Lala. Basically, Lala’s dickmatized and kind of being held hostage by her boyfriend. She’s afraid of her mysterious boyfriend about whom she can’t speak to other people, and that’s terrifying. Poor Lala.

Katie calls Tom Schwartz and is thrilled that she actually sounds happy to hear from him. Lala comes up again and of course Katie’s like “she’s a whore, I am validated in treating her terribly!” and Stassi’s like “She’s sucking alien dick!” Knowing what we know now about Lala, this joke is mildly horrific. Alien abduction =/= emotional abuse. Everyone’s going to bed and Tom and Ariana are being sweet. We get to relive Tom telling Ariana he’d rather ride bulldozers with his boy friends than be with her on her birthday.

Back in Montauk, Stassi, Kristen, and Katie are going to run into the ocean naked and Scheana refuses to. They do so, there’s a lighthouse directed directly on them (as well as a camera crew and lights) and everyone on a balcony sees. So Lala is a slut for taking her top off in Hawaii, but Katie can run topless into the ocean in front of a balcony of people. Katie is the actual worst. Her logic when she’ll inevitably get called out for this? “No one’s boyfriend was around!” Well:

There is a camera crew probably full of people in relationships there in addition to those on said balcony and

Also, remember when you streaked with Jax around?

There's actually nothing shameful about the human body, toplessness is pretty much fine in a lot of countries outside the US and no one loses their minds and

Men aren't slobbering dogs and can control themselves around women

Katie is and always has been a varsity level misogynist slut shamer.

Next Week: More birthday shenanigans! Jax treats Brittany like shit! Stassi’s trolling for dudes! Lala quits?!? NO.

See you tomorrow for The Bachelor!

Random Thoughts From The Desk of Amanda:

Brittany’s gold choker in the talking head looks like a dog collar.

That scream you heard was me laughing at Kristen for admitting she literally does nothing.

My boyfriend says there’s literally no reason to fly to Montauk/The Hamptons from LA unless “you’re going to be Billy Joel’s house guest.” JUST GO TO OJAI.

I just realized I’m a year older than Stassi was when she started this show. Are my friends this messy? (Yes, but not to each other.) I’m doing something wrong.

Ugh, Kristen came across so well in this episode.

Who did the braids in the Montauk trip?!

Stassi’s spray tan is so horrific.

OFFICIALLY COMING IN A FEW WEEKS: THE AMERICA’S NEXT TOP BEST FRIEND PODCAST. Come join us!

You know who you are. I’m calling you out via the internet blogging gods. ↩︎

I also give her a pass for dating someone who “farts like crazy”. It’s a hard life to live, and I do it myself. ↩︎

I love that they’re milking that “Schwartz pours a beer on Katie” clip so hard this season. ↩︎

It’s called a potato field, Jax. ↩︎