#you know the rubber ducky effect that one programmer I think? It started because of a programmer
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rsd.vent
#I really need to start using this blog more#It's like the rubber ducky for myself#you know the rubber ducky effect that one programmer I think? It started because of a programmer#anyway I hate my rsd#Because I'll perceive my darling as upset (perceive is important sometimes he isn't actually)#And my immediate gut reaction is He Hates Me Now I Should Like Go Die#but he's never just started hating me before and it's been 5 years so that'd be very silly#But my immediate other gut reaction is to seek affection as like a I'm Okay? We Okay? Am I Okay Am We Okay? kinda thing#Kinda like how dogs try to lay up on you after you've scolded them I guess#But I don't want to do that because if he ever IS actually upset I don't want to accidentally make it about ME#If I upset him then that'd be fucking stupid and terrible#But I can't tell if having that thought means that obviously I'm not doing it?#Like when people think they're faking and how that tends to mean they aren't actually#If I'm so worried about it then is it okay?#But he tends to also get touch repulsed when he's upset so if he is genuinely upset then it would be bad to seek affection anyway#Because I tend to be touchy about it#But like I could always just ask for verbal affirmations?#The best I've gotten at is asking if he's mad at me but from there I just end up panicking in place...#I wish my RSD wasn't on such a hair pin trigger#The smallest shit will trigger it sometimes
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