#z.gen

[foreseers-flower]

there's a lot of discussion and speculation about the fact john doesn't speak of arthur in rdr1. logistically it's not hard to understand that rdr1 just came out years before rdr2 and thats why but . But.

but when you think of rdr1 with the additional context two, there is something quite... in line with john trying to forget arthur. wanting to. or burying him. not just in metaphor or in soil but in his memories and in some way failing to do it but in another succeeding

you think of john and his commitment to his son and wife and you think of his willingness to do anything for them. moral or not. righteous or not. and you think of the fact that john didn't know at the time the sort of man arthur believed him to be, but he perhaps modeled himself in the image of his older brother. near incidental. he has so little in common with arthur really. john's broody and lacking remorse and at twenty-six he's inconsiderate entirely in a way arthur never was.

but time is a thief and one day, he turns 38. he's older than arthur when he dies. and john doesn't remember well what he looks like, and all he can feel when he thinks of arthur is grief. grief that never ends. thats the thing about all of it, you'll realize - is that john knows arthur best in the retroactive.

the sort of complicated, odd man arthur was revealed to him in the creases of pages and keepsakes. in the carving of his guns that john finds after arthur is gone. in the ring of the woman arthur loved long ago. in the confessionals to his son isaac and the regret in the letters he wrote to their psuedo father. you realize john knows more of arthurs stagnant ghost that can't guide john into manhood the way he so desperately needs. and it's all he has to go by to make a man of himself.

john never finds out what kind of man arthur believed him to be and he has to infer the real good man arthur was. in grief there is love. john loved arthur enough to want to be like him. and in burying the living, breathing man arthur was he's forced to cling to his spirit. has to piece together the kindness of his older brother through memories and diary entries and secondhand stories. and that's how he models himself in rdr1 to me. where arthur is moral john becomes dutiful and where arthur is kind, john is helpful. he becomes the shadow of arthurs best qualities. he can never be arthur. no one could ever be arthur, even if arthur had given them the page by page instructions of how to do so. this is all he has. all he knows. all he can do.

john misses his brother. so he tries to embody him. but he can't really in the same way he can't grieve him. so he makes a home for arthurs ghost to return to in himself. john never mentions arthur because it dregs up painful what-ifs, but they share so many mannerisms and bastardized qualities. john has fashioned himself based on those loose memories.

one day, a stranger meets john and says. "why would you remember me, friend? you've forgotten far more important people than me" and john will remember all the ghosts he's ever loved briefly. there will be a blurry face and a forgiving voice and it will sound like a memory and it will linger in johns ribcage like a moth. and john won't remember. he won't. he can't. he buried his brother without ever doing it.

john says a lot of things. feels a lot of things. he shoots his gun to the stranger who calls his memory into question and the thing jams and the bastard roams free. john will taste blood in his mouth. he'll feel a cough in his lungs and well, he won't remember his brother still. buried men must stay buried.

of course. of course john never mentions arthur. he can't remember him, even though he's inherited so much of his manner. to speak it of him would be admitting to his existence. its admitting: i miss you. im sorry. it was my fault.

of course john never mentions arthur. he's made all this effort in forgetting him that even when his body and his gesture and his character betray the fact he's forgotten - his mind will soothe the pain and blur out his face.

and instead of remembering in life even once, he'll die the same way arthur did. alone. protective. contented. redeemed. john loves arthur like most brothers do - with muscle memory.

even if john cuts the necrosis of arthurs memory off of him, his body will twitch at the phantom feeling of his existence. john remembers even when he can't. arthur his only brother. the most important man he's ever forgotten.

[marstons-angel]

doesn't matter how many years you and john have been together - if you meet up at a saloon he's gonna slide up real close to you and ask if he can buy you a drink

[foreseers-flower]

extremely problematic age gap save me. save me extremely problematic age gap

[foreseers-flower]

i often think about the year john turned thirty-seven.

there is a lot to be said about the way john handles arthurs death within the post game. john and arthur were close the way brother are. as in, they would die for each other without question but never got to the stage where they could know each other intimately.

with siblings and especially with brothers - especially with an age gap as big as theirs, you often don't get to know your sibling as who they are until much later in life. you know them for the role they play in your life, in the external world. but who they are as individual can so easily evade you

and for john - he and arthur never really made it the place to share that open dialogue. of course john knew arthur. that was his brother. he loved him the way brothers did. but he didn't know arthur as anything but that. i'd argue no one did with the exception of charles and mary-linton.

in any case - john gets to know arthur intimately through the details of his experiences immortalized in the pages of his notebook. but those pages are finite. arthurs life ended the year he turned thirty six and so does his wisdom, his thoughts, his advice.

i have to imagine the grief john experienced that day was insurmountable. despite the fact he would never grow to be all that much older than arthur anyway, at the time he couldn't have known. how hard it must've been to outlive arthur who he had such a unique bond with. the crushing loss of a sibling as in - you were the only who would understand what made me this way and now you are gone.

how unsettling it must've felt to grow older than arthur. even by just one day, one minute. how unfair. i always imagine it being the year he stops talking of arthur entirely.

[foreseers-flower]

its so crazy seeing a man built like a matchstick pull down his pants and seeing a third leg

[foreseers-flower]

all the caleb discourse should immediately be flattened by him being called a siscon in three languages.

[foreseers-flower]

i’ve been laughing at this for twenty minutes

[foreseers-flower]

i like a character -> i check their x reader tag -> i learn my interpretation of them is extremely unpopular -> i desperately continue my search for fic that scratches the itch -> none do -> i write something against my will

this cycle continues in a loop until i die

[foreseers-flower]

i always thought i was indifferent to plushies but it turns out i love the weird looking ones.... the little goth ones..........theyre so cute.........

[foreseers-flower]

i need to have sex with him that makes him feel the most shame and guilt he's ever experienced

[foreseers-flower]

im considering taking a year off from college but im afraid if i do that i will just never go back again

[foreseers-flower]

you just know in a modern au jack comes home with a bunch of homework. like just basic ass arithmetic. he tries to ask john. john makes a comment telling jack not to underestimate his dear old dad. one look at the timestables portion and its all over. john marston, retired gang member, defeated by multiplication. embarrassing

[foreseers-flower]

jovier feels so fucked up when you think of red dead one. its like. for javier its like - john was never his all the way was he? not ever. he had a boy and a wife and javier listened to him while he drank and bitched about her. and he loved him that whole time more than likely. john loved him back like a secret. javier back then was so used to being shrouded he let it happen. it contributed to his sense of loneliness. his isolation, ingrained so deep into his psyche. and it makes you wonder why javier stayed back. if it was loyalty to dutch or if it was knowing there'd never be any real place for him with john. or any of them, really. you start to wonder if javier flees back to his homeland and tries to forget about it all. he goes back on his ideals much like he's given up on all of it.

and that's the thing too, when they meet again. john goes back on his ideals because he has a family to protect. if it means working with the law, instead of against them - then thats fine. but javier goes against his ideals for what exactly? and then its like. how bitter. how bitter that must feel, must have felt to see john and know deep down why he was there and feeling that immense sense of loneliness in his capture. javier asks john to let him go, and john does not. javier uses the word brother where another word should be. you don't have the heart to kill me. and please don't let me die like this. in some way they feel like confessionals.

the ghosts of hope and love long discarded. we loved each other once long ago. you made this of me. and i blamed you, and i still blame you for all of it. you wonder what john felt. both choices, to kill javier or to not - you imagine they're both forms of mercy. die by my hand because i loved you. die at the rope because i can't bring myself to kill you. in all cases my love will bury you a second time.

[foreseers-flower]

this is is the first time in my entire porn writing career ive been too embarrassed to post something

[foreseers-flower]

chat can i overshare. im having a time rn LMFOSAJKSD not in a bad way just in a ??!!!! sort of way

[foreseers-flower]

i might try to take like. a serious two month hiatus i think. but ill be sad not being on this app on my birthday lmfao