#zero works on ao3 somehow. preposterous

[sidleyparkhermit]

Charlie, Larry, and Megan are the three people on Numb3rs least capable of sitting in a chair normally and that’s why the three of them should’ve been endgame. In this essay I will

[theartofbeinganerd]

Tonight’s fic is one that I wrote post 3x20, before we knew how bad the fallout from Daisy being swayed was going to be - really, I was just more focused on how she was going to react to finding out that her ship had become canon ;D (I still say we were robbed, because that would’ve been a fantastic scene but I digress)

(Ao3)

-

When Daisy woke to the sound of beeping machines and a familiar ceiling, for a moment she was disoriented – her thoughts were all a mish-mash, and she wasn’t completely sure if she was at the Playground and the Hive nightmare had been just that, or if she was still in Hive’s newest lair and had just dreamed up everything about Andrew coming to her rescue.

But, then the fog cleared a bit, and she was reminded of the horrifying fact that it was all true – everything that felt like a sickening nightmare had actually happened. Her only consolation was the reminder that it was over now, that she was no longer under that monster’s control and was back home, where she truly belonged.

With a groan, Daisy weakly tried to sit up, but her body was still refusing to do much moving after she’d so willingly handed over almost her entire blood supply to make those abominations. Releasing a frustrated huff, she collapsed back onto the mattress and resolved herself to the idea that she wasn’t going anywhere for awhile.

Just then, voices filtered into the little hospital room off the lab that she’d become intimately familiar with after their stint in Puerto Rico last year. Frowning, Daisy turned her head and caught a glimpse of Fitz and Jemma entering the lab through the glass, deep in conversation with worried expressions painting their faces. As their voices became closer and clearer, Daisy realized that they were discussing Hive’s horrifying plan for the population – which certainly explained the grim expressions.

“It never ends, does it?” Jemma sighed, collapsing into the chair at her desk and closing her eyes as her head bowed.

“It’s not like we didn’t know what we were getting into when we signed up for SHIELD, Jem,” Fitz reminded her, leaning up against the desk beside her and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Of course we did!” Jemma burst out, lifting her head and throwing up her hands in exasperation. “But, it never slows down; it only seems to be happening more and more quickly as time goes on! The Chitauri invasion, Centipede, HYDRA, the obelisk, Jiaying, the monolith, Malick and Ward, and now Hive! When have we had a single moment to breathe and not worry that we’re about to die?”

Fitz’s lips twisted into a frown, and Daisy felt her own deepening, her heart going out to her distressed friend; it was true, it seemed that for the past few years, life had been trying its hardest to get them. But, then Fitz gave the briefest of smiles and uncrossed his arms in order to gently nudge Jemma’s shoulder. “I can think of a few.” Much to Daisy’s confusion, a little blush spread across Jemma’s cheeks then and she rewarded Fitz with a small smile of her own. “You’re just stressed, Jemma. Everything’s gonna be fine.”  Daisy doubted that Fitz much believed that himself, and knew that Jemma didn’t either, but cleverly, he didn’t allow her a moment to argue before he had shifted behind her chair. His hands rose to her shoulders, setting to massaging the stress out himself.

The move seemed a bit odd to Daisy, because while Fitzsimmons had always had zero personal space and were pretty touchy-feely, things had been kind of strained between them since the whole Maveth debacle, and she’d thought they were just getting back to normal, not quite on this level yet.

Jemma didn’t seem to find anything wrong with Fitz’s actions, though. She let out a pleased sigh, dropping her head to the side to give him more room to work with as she murmured, “Oh, that feels heavenly.”

“You need to stop worrying yourself to death,” Fitz admonished with a shake of his head, but Daisy knew him well enough to hear the concern in his tone that he was attempting to hide. “There’s only so much that I can offer in stress relief before you become just a big ball of tension.”

Much to Daisy’s confusion, an almost…flirty smile crossed Jemma’s lips then as she replied lowly, “You sure about that?”

Fitz’s hands suddenly paused, resting on Jemma’s shoulders, and he seemed to take a moment to swallow before he responded, his accent heavier than usual, “I guess we’ll just have to see.”

Daisy’s brow furrowed as she watched what would be blatant foreplay between anyone but her oblivious nerdy friends. She had to be misunderstanding something, reading further into it than she should’ve been, because there was no way that they’d figured their shit out finally and it wasn’t already all over the base. Fitzsimmons were hardly known for their subtlety, after all.

Jemma spun around in her chair to face Fitz, standing before him and stepping way into his personal space bubble. Her arms rose to loop around his neck, and she almost seemed to be leaning in closer. But, she paused when he told her seriously, “I mean it, Jem. This isn’t all on you – you don’t need to single-handedly solve all of the world’s problems.”

Jemma’s playful smile faded in an instant, her gaze dropping as she took a deep breath, and Daisy didn’t understand why Fitz had said anything that would cause the first smile that she’d seen her friend wear in so long to disappear. But, at least Jemma hadn’t stepped away and put any distance between herself and Fitz, so that was something. “Fitz…”

“I’m right here with you,” he reminded her softly, his hands lifting to rest on her hips. In all her years of being friends with Fitzsimmons, Daisy had never seen them take on a pose this intimate before; she was beginning to doubt her claim that a relationship between them at this point was completely preposterous. “Always. Talk to me, or don’t, but I’m here for as long as you’ll have me, Jemma.”

At his words, Jemma’s smile returned, seeming to brighten up the whole room. But, this smile was softer, warmer, more…intimate, and Daisy had the odd feeling that she shouldn’t be witnessing what was clearly meant for Fitz’s eyes only. “I hope you’re prepared for a lifetime of my chronic worrying and my love of disgusting biology and my constant nagging to eat less sugar and drink more water, then. Oh, which speaking of, did you –”

“Yes,” Fitz interrupted, rolling his eyes fondly. “Jemma, I signed up for a lifetime of your quirks over a decade ago. I hardly think anything has changed since then. In fact, I’ve only become more resolved to spend my life by your side.”

Jemma beamed up at him, pressing herself nearer to his body even as she tugged him closer as well. “Good. I mean, not that I would’ve let you leave anyway, but –”

Much to Daisy’s utter shock, Fitz cut Jemma off this time by swooping in to capture her lips with his, and in a single moment she was proven completely wrong – somehow, at some point, her two best friends in the whole world had finally realized what everyone had known for so long and gotten together. And it was more beautiful and nauseating than she’d ever imagined.

When the two nerds came up for air, Fitz stayed close, resting his forehead on Jemma’s, and they were just smiling at each other almost dopily at each other, looking perfectly in love – as it should be, Daisy couldn’t help but think with a wide and satisfied smile. Softly, he asked, “Are you going to cut back on the stress, or at least talk some of it out with me?”

Jemma gave an exaggerated little sigh, but her smile was still firmly in place. “I suppose. After all, what good is a boyfriend if you can’t burden him with your problems?”

Daisy lifted a hand to cover her mouth in an attempt to stifle her squeal as Jemma unintentionally confirmed their relationship for her. Beneath her hand, there was now a huge grin taking over her face, and she was happier than she had been in what felt like forever.

“You’re not burdening me,” Fitz disagreed fiercely, pulling back a bit to frown down at Jemma once more. “I may be your boyfriend now, but I’m still and always will be your best friend first. You can tell me anything.”

Jemma’s hands shifted from behind Fitz’s head to cupping his cheeks, her thumbs fondly stroking his skin, and she let out a little sigh as she smiled tenderly up at him. “I know that, Fitz.”

Fitz didn’t seem too happy when she just left it at that, but he nodded in understanding regardless, lifting his hands to gently pull hers away from his face, bringing their joined hands to his lips to press kisses to Jemma’s fingers. After a long, silent moment, he suggested quietly, “I think it’s about time we got some sleep. Now that Daisy’s home safe, maybe we’ll actually get a full night’s rest.”

The words as effective as a bucket of ice water, Daisy was abruptly reminded of everything that had happened in the past few weeks, everything that she’d all but forgotten as she reveled in the happiness her two closest friends had found together. At Fitz’s revelation of the toll that she’d taken on them, guilt grew and laid thick and heavy in her throat, making it difficult to breathe.

For a brief moment, she almost opened her mouth to spout an apology, the need to tell them how sorry she was a burning ache in her chest. But, when she noticed a moment later that both Fitz and Jemma were turning in her direction, she instantly and automatically closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. Yes, she was desperate to apologize for the things she’d done while under Hive’s control, but she also knew that the conversation they’d just shared was incredibly personal; Daisy didn��t want to add eavesdropping to any kind of list of her transgressions they might have.

“The poor thing,” Jemma sighed sadly. “I hope she’s resting up. God knows if that monster even allowed her a chance to sleep.”

“At least it’s over now,” Fitz commented with a heavy sigh of his own.

“We can only hope,” she replied quietly. For a long moment, there was no sound. Then, Daisy heard their retreating footsteps, and dared to crack her eyes open a bit to watch as they left the lab hand-in-hand, likely taking the late hour of the night to mean that there was no one around to witness their casual displays of affection.

Once they’d disappeared in the direction of the bunks, Daisy opened her eyes fully, sagging back into her pillow. Slowly, a tiny little smile curved her lips, and she was glad that at least one good thing seemed to have come out of the shitstorm that had been the past few weeks.

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

Slow down! - chapter 1

What on earth is this??? Aish is actually writing heartrate fanfic for once??? And not turning it into a complete mess??? Well today is the birthday of my honourary fandom little sister Elise @colourfulheroes and she challenged me to write heartrate slow burn (don’t ask why, long story), so today seems like a good day to start!! (And also I got my revenge by challenging her to draw Kimax and she did and IT’S REALLY CUTE) (And sorry if this is terrible omg I had like zero motivation or ideas but it’s gonna get cute later on I swear)

And also on AO3 like always

“I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you here today,” Max said to his two classmates standing in front of him. He had dragged them all the way to the airport for this, and neither of them looked very happy about it. They would be even less happy when they found out what this was for, and he knew it.

“Don’t use the word ‘bet’ in front of this idiot unless you’re prepared to face the consequences,” said Alix, pointing a finger in Kim’s direction.

“Don’t be stupid,” Kim snapped. “You know perfectly well that Max is extinct from any of my challenges.”

“Extinct? Are you sure that’s the right word?”

“Whatever! You know what I mean!”

“Anyway,” Max said loudly, stepping between them, “I am going to be on holiday for the entire duration of the summer holidays, and therefore I won’t be around to prevent you two from strangling each other. So in order to save you both from either death or a hefty prison sentence, I am issuing you a challenge. One that will hopefully keep you from committing murder until I get back.”

“If you’re gonna do that ‘who can be quiet for the longest’ thing again then I may as well tell you now that I’m not taking part,” Alix said.

“No, not that. This challenge is something unique. Between now and the eight weeks when I get back, you are going to be doing something rather more intellectual for once.”

“Oh good, ‘cause I’m way smarter than Kim.”

“Will you be quiet and let me finish? Anyway, by the time I get back, I want you two to have written something. A story. It’ll have to be at least 30,000 words. And you can’t just write about anything, either. It’ll have to be…” He took a deep breath, knowing his friends were going to hate this. “…fanfic.”

Kim laughed. “Fanfic? That’s easy. I could write a million words about that dinosaur from Jurassic Park taking over the world and eating everyone. This is gonna be awesome.”

“Actually, you are not going to be writing fanfic about Jurassic Park. You are going to be writing fanfic about real life people. Specifically, this class.”

“Oh, you mean like Nathaniel does?” Alix said. “That’s still easy. He once wrote me a story where I beat up Kim, it was awesome. I could totally do something like that.”

“There are actually even more requirements to this fanfic,” Max said, internally preparing himself for some very aggressive reactions. “It will have to be what they call a ‘slow burn’ fic. You know, a fic about the slow and natural forming of a romantic relationship.”

The reactions followed very quickly. Alix stepped back saying, “Ew ew ew ew ew!” while Kim put his hands on his hips and said, “Max, if you’re trying to get me to learn how to be nice to people or something, there are other ways of doing it!”

“I’ve already made up my mind, you’ll have to do it,” Max said. “Unless you refuse the challenge, in which case the other person will win by default.”

“Fine, I’ll do your stupid challenge,” Alix said, glaring at him. “But I’m gonna write it about Marinette and Adrien. I’m not the only one seeing something between those two, right?”

“Well I’m writing mine about Marinette and Adrien too, so there!” Kim said.

“Actually,” Max said, fully preparing to be punched in the face at any moment, “I’ve already decided who you’re going to be writing about. It’s going to be… well… you two.”

For a few seconds they just stared at him in disbelief. Then, to his immense surprise, Alix burst into laughter. Well, to be fair this was a rather preposterous challenge he was issuing them. It made sense that she would find it absurd enough to laugh at. It was better than being punched, anyway.

“Max, that’s impossible and you know it!” she said. “For starters, I’m actually asexual, so–”

“I know perfectly well that you’re ace, considering you make puns about it an average of 3.5 times per hour. But that doesn’t mean you can’t like someone, does it? Anyway, all that matters is that you two have to be in a proper, willing, romantic relationship by the end of the fic. It doesn’t mean you have to be 100% in love or that you have to write smut or anything. You’ll just have to be creative.”

“This is stupid!” Kim whined. “Why would I ever even think of… you know… ugh, no! She’s so tiny and annoying and weird!”

“And she can also hear you perfectly well,” Alix said, stepping around Max and hitting Kim in the arm. “But for once you have a point. Max, this is impossible. Unless these fics end up ridiculously out of character.”

“I wouldn’t suggest doing that,” Max said. “At the end of the eight weeks, I will read both fics and be judging on how well-written they are, how in-character they are, and how realistically the relationship has developed. And please keep it T-rated at most. I don’t want to have to pour bleach into my eyes.”

“But Maaaaaax!” Kim pulled on his shirt sleeve. “Why are you even doing this?”

“I’m hoping it’ll teach you two the long-lost art of getting along with people in a polite, civil manner. And if you’re working on a non-violent challenge all summer, with all your annoyance directed at me rather than each other, then you might actually not kill each other. It would be nice.”

“Well I’m not talking to her all summer then, that’s for sure.”

“Oh, and another thing,” Max said, wondering if this would be the final straw that would get him punched after all. “I’m sick of you two constantly being at each other’s throats at school too, so you’ll have to learn to tolerate each other by the time I get back. Meet up once a week and show each other your progress on your stories. That way you can also make sure that the fics you’re writing won’t end up too similar. I’d like a bit of variety to read through, thank you.”

There was another silence for a few seconds. Then he quickly stepped away when he saw Alix curling up a fist.

“You know, Max, you’d better hurry up and get on that aeroplane before I commission Nath to write a fic about your tragic death…”

“And you’d better not have any more rules for this challenge!” Kim added, folding his arms. “Honestly, if I stop considering you my best friend after this then that’s completely your fault!”

Max shrugged. “Hey – you can always just refuse the challenge, that’s still an option.”

“I never forfeit a challenge!”

“And I’m not surrendering to this idiot!”

That had been just what he expected to hear. He picked up his luggage and started walking off. “Good luck then, and see you in eight weeks!”

The furious expressions on his friends’ faces as he left caused him to wonder if he was even doing the right thing. Or if this would even work! But he had to try. Those two being rivals was just constantly giving him a headache. They needed to learn to get along somehow, so why not this? Hopefully this wouldn’t backfire terribly.

Kim sat at his computer desk with a blank document open in front of him, thinking hard. What was he even supposed to write? He had never been good at creative writing. The only things he liked to write about were action stories, where people were going on adventures and fighting aliens or whatever. Not some stupid sappy love story about himself and the only girl in his class he would never consider in a million years!

But this was a challenge, wasn’t it? If there was one thing Kim was good at, it was winning challenges. Okay, so he had never actually won a challenge against Alix before. But there was always a first time for everything. This time he would actually try hard, and actually win. He was best friends with Max, the cleverest guy in school, so surely that intelligence must have rubbed off on him. This couldn’t be too difficult.

He typed a few words.

Once upon a time…

Now what? He was already stuck. His brain kept reminding him of all the cool things he could be doing right now – going to play basketball with Adrien, going to Marinette’s bakery and playing video games with her, going for a run, anything! Even doing homework was better than this! Why should he waste his time on something so stupid? He wasn’t like Nathaniel, he didn’t enjoy this kind of thing!

Wait… Nathaniel! Of course! That guy was an expert at writing stories about the class. He was always being creative – drawing little comics, writing drabbles, all that sort of thing. It would be easy for him.

Would getting his help be considered cheating? Well, Kim didn’t care. It wasn’t like anyone would find out. At least this way it was a win-win situation. Nath would get to have fun writing more fanfic, Kim would have time to do whatever he wanted and only have to meet up with the tiny pink goblin once a week, and he would probably end up winning the challenge. Perfect!

He picked up his phone and called Nath’s number. Luckily he still had it after having to do a class project with him one time.

“Hello?”

Nath’s voice was always so quiet and hesitant. Kim just didn’t understand how anyone could be like that. Wasn’t it more fun to be loud?

“Nath, I need your help with something,” he said. “Something really stupid and weird, but uh… basically, I want to commission you to write a fanfic.”

He could almost hear Nath smiling on the other end. “A fanfic? Okay, I’m listening…”

Alix, too, was sitting in front of an empty computer document, banging her head against the screen. Was she going to get akumatized again? Hopefully. That would be way better than this.

Honestly, if Max wanted her to get along with Kim, there were better ways to do it! He could have just dared them to be friends with each other. That would work. Maybe that way Kim would stop being an annoying jerk to her all the time. Why was he like that, anyway? He was probably just jealous at her for always beating him at his own challenges.

Well, she would beat him at this one too, no matter how stupid it was. Now she just had to get her brain to come up with ideas!

There was once a really stupid guy called Kim, and he for some reason fell in love with the coolest girl in his class, and she dated him for like one day. The end.

No, that wasn’t 30,000 words. And it wasn’t exactly “slow burn”, either. Ugh, she just hated writing stupid romantic nonsense!

Okay, so being ace didn’t mean she didn’t get attached to people. Of course she did. And if she was attached enough to someone that she would willingly jump into a volcano for them, then dating them was no problem. It would make them happy and she’d get to hang out with them more – where was the downside? If she liked someone enough then she would do it, even if stupid lovey-dovey stuff was not her thing.

But just not Kim, of all people! Couldn’t it have been anyone else in the class? Anyone at all? Even Chloé? Kim was just the worst! He was so annoying! Always picking on her, always challenging her to more of his idiotic dares and then being a sore loser when he inevitably lost…

She just couldn’t think of any good things about him at all, no matter how hard she tried. In that case, how was she supposed to write a fic where she actually ended up liking him? It was impossible with a guy that horrible! She needed to get someone’s help with this. But who?

Marinette? No, Marinette was friends with Kim, she would tell him that Alix was totally planning to cheat on this challenge, and that would be humiliating. Adrien? No way, Adrien was far too busy with all the stuff his father was making him do. Juleka? Rose? Both of them were just a little too sappy. Alix did not want to have to gouge out her eyes after reading the fic.

What about Lila? Lila was always making up stories about her life, things that seemed a tiny bit far-fetched but mostly believable. That was just perfect! A slightly far-fetched but still in-character story was exactly what was needed.

Alix picked up her phone and sent Lila a message.

Hey, can we meet up at some point? I need to ask you a favour.

Lila always kept her phone on her to keep in touch with all her adoring fans, so the reply arrived quickly.

Of course! What did you need me to do? :)

How to put this? Something like ‘Well you’re a liar so you’ll be good at writing cheesy fanfic’ would not be tactful. She’d have to be a bit more subtle.

I need your creativity to help me out with a challenge. You’re pretty much the only one who can help.

There, that was better! And Lila seemed to think so too.

Sure, I’ll help you, whatever it is! This reminds me of that time I helped Jagged Stone write a hit single. Let me know when you want to meet up!

The Jagged Stone thing was almost certainly a lie. But then again, that was a good thing. Lies and creativity were just what Alix needed right now. Maybe she would win this challenge after all!