tahab28

[tahab28]

Yesterday, it had already been 8 months since I lost someone forever. He went somewhere we can’t even pray for him to come back from. There’s no hope of returning from that place, no prayer that can bring him back. All I can say now is, "May his soul rest in peace. May Allah grant him Jannah."

Do you ever get the feeling of losing someone close like this? Where all you can do is pray they reach Jannah? I wouldn’t even wish this feeling upon anyone. I’ve spent my whole life fearing the loss of this person. All I ever prayed for was to give him my own life, my own hayyat.

And now? I’m here, living without any emotional feeling left. Sometimes I feel like a robot, blindly chasing academic success just to keep going ,because I have to. Why do I have to? I don’t know. I miss him. But more than that, I miss myself.

I don’t even know why I’m still living. I don’t know the point of getting out of bed every morning. But all I can do is pretend, pretend I’m fine and keep going as if nothing happened.

Do I cry? Yes, I do. Sometimes, out of nowhere, my eyes fill with tears, tears that won’t stop. But I don’t feel anything. It’s like I’m living a nightmare every day, where all I can do is chase an academic comeback and live like nothing happened.

May 24 2025

[tahab28]

I broke the promises I made to you.

I turned myself into a traitor, a liar in your eyes.

I left you with trust issues,

and for what?

Just to watch you keep winning in life while I'm still here in this world.

Yes, I regret everything I did, because it made you suffer every day.

And now, the days are so hard without you.

I love you and it has always been you.

And the weight of my actions will stay with me forever.

5.51 am

May 21 2025

[tahab28]

Sometimes everything cries in you, except your eyes.

18 May 2025

[tahab28]

I've died every time while creating the journal dedicated to you.

I realized it was never easy to draw someone you love, someone you were never meant to lose.

May 02 2025

[tahab28]

I didn't use to believe in another life.

But if there's any that exists,

I'd be the happiest one.

But if there's any that exists,

I'd pray this whole life to make you mine.

But if there's any that exists,

I'd treat you better in that life.

But if there's any that exists,

I'd kill myself a thousand times before hurting you even once.

But if there's any that exists,

I'd love you like I wanted to in this life and I couldn't.

And now, I really wish another life to exist.

[tahab28]

How casual it was a year ago, when you asked me to stop talking.

Remember? When I said I'll never be the one to stop talking with you, I just couldn't add that I can't ever stop talking to you, cause in this temporary world filled with chaos, it used to make me feel alive. I forgot to add that you made me feel like I want to live another year, more years, but I knew how short my lifespan is compared to others.

I know you tried a lot to keep things up, but it had hurt you so much that you had to let everything go to keep on living. And isn't it what I wanted once? To make you feel like you don't need me anymore? So when I'm long, long gone from this world, you wouldn't have to miss me? So you can go to NZ, not Canada?

This whole year we didn't talk. Nah, not this actually. I don't have the permission to talk to you anymore. Who is the one to blame here? Me. Cause eventually, I ruined everything. I could've explained everything at the very beginning, but what would happen if I could've explained that I was pretending not to even like you? When my heart used to skip a beat whenever it was about you, about your future.

Here I'm standing in front of your window, having my eyes filled with tears. What now? After being dumb and ruining all the things, losing the most favorite person of my life, what now? What can I do now except praying all day for your heart to melt a bit, praying all day so that only if a miracle happens and I get that place in your heart once again.

I'll always be regretting everything I did.I'll always be waiting with that 1% hope of mine.

30 April 2025

[tahab28]

I don’t write on social media very often, but I I’d like to share a small opinion with anyone reading this.

Hello, I know we’re all suffering from something. We never truly understand how it feels until we walk in someone else’s shoes. But I urge you to be grateful for the chance to see another day and for having your parents by your side, supporting you, holding you up, and loving you like no one else ever will. Some of us don’t have both of them, and I can’t even put into words how it feels. May Allah never let any of you experience the pain of losing the ones you love the most.

Take a moment to reflect on the people who truly love you. Ask yourself: Who really loves me? Am I too dumb to even love the ones who are loving me so much? Are you kind to your parents? They’re offering you the world,how can you not be?

If you’re still not satisfied with what you have, one day you’ll realize what you’ve lost because you didn’t appreciate it when you had the chance. Once someone is taken from you by Allah, there’s no bringing them back.

So, appreciate the people and things in your life while you still have them.

[tahab28]

Whenever I watch a reel where everyone says, What kind of love is it if it doesn’t stay with you in your toughest times? I can’t help but think of her. It’s not that she wasn’t with me during my toughest times (like now)

She was always there for me, always wanted to stay. But I was the one who made it unbearable for her to stay. I created a mess and ended up pushing myself out of her life . So what should I expect now? I've hurt the most beautiful soul, the true one of my life, the one I wanted to give my everything to but failed. So, I deserve to face these tough times alone. She's not the one to blame, nor will she ever be. She would have stayed without even asking twice, but I made her leave me. So, I'm the one to suffer.

I DESERVE THIS. I F**KING DESERVE IT!!

[tahab28]

Oh dear , do I have to loose you too?

12.11.2024

[tahab28]

Dear . . . . . . . . . ,

I know you won't every read any of this but I've always shared every big day with you since you came into my life, I wish I could tell you everything I'm going through.I wish I could be there whenever you were holding a crest , a medal . Wish I was there when you were feeling so tired. I don't even know how you're doing , I'm sorry. I know I'm responsible for all of this, and I deserve to be treated like this. I'll always miss you on my big days and even in the smallest ones. I miss you every second as it passes. I wish you would miss me the same way I miss you.

My heart is so heavy that I can't even write anymore. I really want to leave this world, as I feel like I can't go on, but I'm still trying to pretend everything is fine and that I can get through another day. I wish I could talk to you. I really want to cry , but I'm not able to, my tears have dried up. Everything feels so heavy inside, and I can't even cry anymore, but I really want to.

[tahab28]

Hello me,

You didn't notice anyone else once she came into your life, so why did you make her feel as if you were noticing everyone except her? The girl you used to dream about every day every night , gave you the happiest moments of your life, so why did you make her feel like she meant nothing to you? She was the one you used to rush to, to share everything happening in your life. So why did you try to remove yourself from her life?

Who will you tell now about everything that’s burning inside you? With whom will you share your happiness with? You used to be so eager to hear about her day and what was going on inside her mind. So why did you ask her to not share anything? You knew, na? That you can't let her go? You knew, na? That you can't live without her?And yet , you made it so hard for her that she had to leave you. So, What did you get in return? You wanted her to be genuinely happy in New Zealand, Didn't you always want to be a part of her happiness too?

For her happiness, for her better future? But didn’t you want to be a part of that future too, by sharing her days, her joys, her worries? Why did you choose to make your life worse when it could have been its best with her by your side?

[tahab28]

Hello

Tomorrow, I’ll be stepping into a long-awaited chapter of my life. Strangely, I find myself feeling neither excitement nor happiness. The person who would have been most proud, who would have shared in the joy of me studying his favorite subject, is now far beyond my reach. My baba, my constant, is in a place where I can no longer reach him or hear his voice.

I wonder, who will listen when I recount my first day at university? Who will I say goodbye to before setting off each morning? Most of all, who will be there to feel true happiness for me? Baba, I'm finally pursuing the major you always wanted for me, but I don't find myself happy anymore.

Ar lekhte partesi na , Baba. I’m sorry for the times I caused you pain. I know I wasn’t the perfect child, and now I’ve lost the chance to make it right. Onek bhalobashi tomake, Baba. Sorry baba , ami jani ami onek kharap ami shomoy thakte amar favorite manush der ke value kori na. Ami na onek tired baba duniar shamne pretend korte korte je I'm okay, ar partesi na baba.

[tahab28]

I'm not scared of death anymore. I'm not afraid to die. From the day I saw my father wrapped in the kafon, I realized that I, too, want to experience death someday. I want to be where he is, to talk to him like I always used to.

Do you remember, Baba, how I’d always come to you with my daily worries? I’d ask for your advice, and you’d listen so patiently and gently, always suggesting the greatest ways. Trust me, Baba, there’s no one else I can go to now, no one I can share my future plans with like I did with you. Why did Allah take you away from me? Was I too careless to lose you baba? Baba, why does Allah always take my favorite people from me?

Tomake onek bhalobashi baba , sorry baba.

25.10.2024

[tahab28]

Been 179 days

25.10.2024

[tahab28]

A second once in a lifetime

Maybe too much to ask

But I swear from now on

If ever you're in my arms again

This time I'll love you much better

If ever you're in my arms again

This time I'll hold you forever

This time we'll never end

- to her

25.10.2024

I miss you

[tahab28]

Hello, me.

Remember? When you were sick all day, lying in bed with breathing problems, and your favorite girl sent you a video of her playing a badminton match? (Oh, Allah! Such a lively thing to watch.) You watched that video, and suddenly, you were smiling like an idiot. Remember what you were thinking? ‘I'd love to witness her playing like this forever.’ How dreamy that video was. After hearing that her parents don’t go to her matches, you wondered how someone could miss something so precious. But you knew that parents are always our well-wishers, even when they are busy.

You postponed your appointment (which your baba made to find out why you were so unwell) and went to watch her match instead. How relaxing that was, how happy and excited you were. Yet, you couldn’t tell her any of this. You pretended as if nothing affected you. You acted like it was nothing to you, as if you were just there to watch a friend's match when she meant everything to you. You acted tough and buried that excitement, that joy, the ‘baby guy’ inside of you that was jumping for her. And what did you get in return for pretending to be tough instead of being the honest, emotional ‘baby guy’ you truly are?

You didn’t even appreciate her brilliance once, did you? You idiot, you ran away because of anxiety, or maybe because the breathing problems returned. Would it have hurt to tell her you were suffering from chest pains and weren’t on your phone? You were just avoiding the physical pain stuff? Did it hurt back then, knowing you hurt her too? It did.

So why did you turn into an idiot suddenly, when you loved that girl so much that you wanted to be by her side forever? Why did you keep running from her when all you wanted was to explain everything? Why didn’t you appreciate her for her brilliant match? Why didn’t you tell her you were getting goosebumps watching her play live in front of you? Was it really that hard?

And if it was hard, wasn’t hurting her even harder? Thanks, idiot, for not telling your girl that it was the best day of your life. That it was always a dream to watch her play live. Thanks for not even congratulating her. Thanks for leaving her and making her feel like she didn’t achieve enough to make you stay and have food with her.

Goodbye, me. I hate you again.

29.12.2023

11.30 am