talesofateenagedramaqueen - Tumblr blog

[talesofateenagedramaqueen]

dearest diary,

today is starting off strong- lingering dreams and matching horoscopes and tarot readings, plans with friends and full body anxiety.

letting your mother talk to lawyers for you is definitely a cowards way out, the action of a youngest child who needs to grow tf up, but its easy to do bad things when you hate yourself alr-

OH. THATS THE POINT OF BOJACK HORSEMAN.

great show but its a horrible sign that I relate most to the fucking horse. if I were a man...well, thank the universe for that one small concession. im annoying enough as a woman, id be utterly insufferable (and even more off putting) as a man living rent free in- okay okay. im a mess. this is well established. there is no magic cure that's going to fix my shit by tomorrow. there's nothing I can do to erase the past few years of drowning in my own depression. the past few critical years where I was unable to hold it together or to even move forward. dammit, the teachers were right. though, given my...everything. personality, upbringing, mental illnesses plural, I think it might have always ended up this way. and there's no point on lingering on everything I have down wrong ever because there's so much of it jfc please don't cue the war flashbacks now. at 25 years old I must start from scratch except I was handed one of those shitty whiteboards that are never 100% clean. or, I guess this metaphor works better if im the one who waited too long and all the good white boards were taken first.

well, I overthink things and never take action (classic infp amiright?) but I also have adhd so sometimes im also impulsive. and im not patholgizing myself, truly im not, its just that I do weird things and its comforting to know that there's a reason why I am the way that I am. everyone else gets to go along life knowing why they do things that they do because their minds are so straightforward, even when they're overwhelmed by emotion they know which emotion it is that they're feeling. and we're all humans who act irrationally at times and have moments of "why did I do that" but not everyone is like " I don't understand why I can't just be normal."

anyways I think if I just stopped overthinking things but also spent more time in my own body it would, and I quote, "fix all my shit okay, maybe not all my shit, but definitely more." slow down, think, act.

right now I am forced to lean on my parents. I feel guilty that they're doing me a huge favor, but a more productive use of that emotion is showing my gratefulness. getting a job and helping them around the house, having a more normal sleep schedule, and taking a more active role with the gremlins will show how thankful I am. I need to prioritize getting a job and getting into a groove with cleaning. hoarder mess is theirs to deal with, everyday cleaning tasks I can help with. to work off my frustration, im going to start taking walks on the trail.

eat healthier. no diets cause they drive me insane.

look into hormone supplements specifically for PCOS, and make sure to actually take my thyroid meds.

its not all or nothing. no more procrastinating. a little bit each day.

I gotta like, romanticize my life though, or else its just not as fun. or worth it? I don't want to just go through the motions and I need to find motivation from something, somewhere.

"all that is done in love is done well" okay Vincent go off. when you're a mentally ill piece of shit I think doing things with love is the only thing you can do right. no, thats not it. sometimes all you can do is sit back and realize, there's no point in doing things out of hatred- no, thats not the point either. ah, well. its still a good motto to have.

I lost large chunks of myself haven't I? the passion, the interests, trying to cater towards everyone else but then being led by my own anger and darkness. but I've always admired the weirdos and the eccentrics, and especially the free spirits. I've seen the dark sides of everything I have loved, but its like yin and yang yeah? just because there's some darkness doesn't mean the whole thing is horrible now. there's still things left to love about it. im not going to find the perfect solution, god knows im going to make a million more mistakes, but=im gonna try harder. im going to do things out of love again. fuck toxic positivity though. lets bring emotions back! stop rationalizing everything! feel what you feel THEN make decisions about it. I need a little more optimism in my life, but I don't wanna fake it either. not everything has to be a big deal;!

todays goals are to get my clearances set up (for the most part). the room to clean of the day is the bathroom. the fun bits are going to be...creating a capsule wardrobe for work. I need ballet flats-wide-for interviews. but first, food for fuel.

this journey is going to kick me in my ass, but its been kicking me in the face the whole time so if you think about it, this is a vast improvement. and fuck! I really don't wanna fucking do this! I wish I didn't have to!! but it's all going to work out all right in the end so help me god-or-whoerver-pr-whatever-is-in-charge-if- anything-at-all.

*cue better son/daughter playing in the background*

[talesofateenagedramaqueen]

still april 10th

ugh this is going to take some practice! how do I handle being patient while everyone takes for god damned ever?!?! its driving me bonks!

okay who am I trying to be- the cool girl. not cool as in "popular and charismatic" but cool as in "shell go with the flow without being a nuisnance:" still the youngest sibling but in a charming way not a whiny way...

how do I deal with the gremlins? don't. im here for fun, im not here to raise them. let go, self, let go! ill only step in when one is mean to the other. yeah, no one asked for too much other than myself. I overstepped, even.

the cool girl. no, I need a better outlook. main characters? no, that's too much. well its kind of silly to type cast myself but...free spirit? I can do that...I just need a direction to go in because my instincts are to go full throttle on hating myself and being unable to look away from the car I crashed.

[talesofateenagedramaqueen]

April 10, 2024

dear fucking diary,

I did say I was going to start anew but in my defense im not trying to be a robot either. I love writing in a diary but we have a contentious relationship and its fun to pretend that im talking to a sentient being instead of just myself. I got the date right for once! not that it even matters what the date is, my lack of knowledge about the date is just emblematic of my unemployed, free spirited, drain on society and honestly my parents and probably even myself, lifestyle.

where was I?

oh right. I feel miserable about things but there's no motivating myself to do anything in the history of ever but I can just...be miserable while I do things. actually, im miserable about doing things anyway I think trying to make myself not miserable backfires and is just exhausting instead. I think if I put my feelings on paper-or on the screen in this case-i can exorcise some of them. therapy was never going to work for me, not even medications, because I never was able to figure out what I wanted to do without being paralyzed by indesision and frustration. my mind is a murky mess, stuck between perfectionism and "might as well not even try"ism.

I am angry at the world, and the world deserves my anger. but there's nothing I can do about it, I only have control over myself. so im not going to overthink things anymore. and I don't care what others are doing anymore. and Im not trying to be holier than thou but if they're not hurting anybody than why should I say anything about it? if I did id just be an asshole. and sure, being an asshole is fun sometimes and im not applying for sainthood but I should reign it in a little. that, and my insatiable need to play therapist and fix things.

okay, starting at home. im trying to be a better person and that means I should be more mindful of helping out my parents. I do better with explicit instructions though I can also take the initiative and ask specifically what they want help with.

if they ask meanly tho they can go kick fucking rocks.

[talesofateenagedramaqueen]

okay so maybe-no I definitely have trauma from being employed. its a combination of depression, anxiety, self-hatred, autism, and shitty ass managers and me being shitty ass at my job. im upset that I have to work for a living but no way would I be able to-or want to-live off of disability need together out of the house and do things and make money and not stew in my anger depression anxiety combo meal. and to get away from my grumpy ass parents and prove myself to my judgmental ass siblings and honestly maybe I should just- I wish I wasn't a coward. easy way out, sure. I don't like the hard way in, it's not even fucking rewarding so what's the goddamn point? It doesn't get better actually. it gets worse in ways you can't even predict. I don't want to be the sad girl or the funny girl or anything at all I just wish the world would let me be. let me take a deep fucking breath before dunking me right back in. I want to stop being a whiny little privileged brat with control issues- I don't want everything to be too much and too little all at once. i can't wait any longer I HAVE to go forward. a brand new start isnt coming my way I have to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. im allowed to be angry at other people, I don't have to be a dick about it. but im allowed to.

so... here I am moving forward. burning thighs and a strong urge to run away, a deep thirst for alcohol, anger rumbling in my chest. but im not going to live like this anymore, because its not living at all.

[talesofateenagedramaqueen]

feb. 23, 2024

okay I had to ask for the date, that's the only reason it's accurate this time. "oh, why don't you just look at your phone?" because I never think to. maybe its weaponized incompetence idk, but I'm not a 30 man baby married to a woman who might as well be his mommy so is that a legitimate worry to have? I'm a shitty writer but no one is reading this except me. Dammit, why do I have a perfectionist streak if I can't even make it work for me.

my neuroses have neuroses.

it's never going to be my year. sometimes I don't think I can even make something my day. maybe I just gotta....live in the moment. damn cliches, most of them wind up being true. it's so cheesy! but the time of person I am, I'm going to worry about something and then become so worried that I my fight or flight instinct comes in (which is so totally unfair because my trauma is like, as mundane as it can get, and I don't mean that in a self depreciative sort of way, it's very true) and I either choose flight or freeze. the only people I fight with are usually people who don't even deserve it.

I'm a little lost puppy and I feel older in a jaded way but I also feel younger than my peers. but most of my peers aren't even living lives that I feel jealous of so WHY DO I CARE. I care abbot things that don't matter and then that leaves no space for things that actually do.

I need to move out and start over. get away from living with my parents in this same old town, because I feel so much better when I'm away from it all.

though, it doesn't count...if I'm with my family... it's not entirely their fault but dammit, its not entirely mine either. I'm not a bad person I'm just also not a very good one. to quote my own mother, "I suck at life." to quote myself, I'm just "a bit unfortunate."

I need to stop explaining myself to people. and myself. I actually have no clue why I do it in the first place. maybe the insatiable need to be liked? I am a Leo after all. but I'm also unique and hyper independent. do I be myself all the time? kind of. we should all strive to be ourselves, but a better version. what does the better version of myself look like?

hah, look at me, using a Tumblr blog as a journal, trying to be "cool" instead of "edgy and unique". I'm holding too tightly to the past but I don't NEED to let it go. just, allow more space for the present and future.

okay, here comes the really fun part: the venting. love this for me, I'm letting the anger flow in and then flow out again. I'm a fire sign, and more importantly, I'm a miller. the anger comes in quick bursts of flames and then dies down. I don't want to be the type of person to hold onto grudges and bottle everything up. there has to be an appropriate outlet for it. well, journaling of course. maybe angry music? do I write it myself? sing it out loud? I guess all of the above works.

(btw, what's the word limit on this? I've been going on for like, a while. if it cuts me off I'll be so upset. and then ill remember that I refuse to read this back anyways so its like, actually not a big deal. how do I validate other people's emotions when they like, trigger me? man, maybe I just have to step away from the moderator role. seriously, when has it done me any good? I value loyalty more, but I also value kindness. ugh, everything requires balance and my whole being like, physically and spiritually rejects it.)

like sorry g but I'm not a shit talker and its unfair that u expect me to be. it's unfair of me to invalidate ur feelings, but does that count for every time? u take it as me being holier than thou and invalidating but not every person u shit talk has actually wronged you. tho, I suppose its on me to know the difference and respond accordingly. I refuse to feel guilty anymore, living in the moment you know? next time I'll take a minute and think. I may not be good at it at first but I'll make a effort and that has to be enough bc its all I have to give.

and why was last night so awkward! I guess she gave me the same energy I give her but she's the one with that problem! I don't care that she was more subdued but apparently she hates it when its her which means...she hates it when I do it. but I don't mind either way! like sorry, but my depression isn't about you and your depression isn't about me. I at least realize that. and god fucking dammit but I wish everyone would realize that I'm sad and I'm fucking trying, I try so hard every day. living as I am is the most uncomfortable feeling. like a constant headache, or persistent nausea. you know when you're having a really bad day? well every god damn day is a bad day for me. I don't get good ones, only good moments and then the rest suck. "your mental illness is your own problem to deal with" yeah and I don't make it anyone else's problem except my own! and my parents... but come the fuck on, no I don't want to go to the bars. I don't want to do anything, you're so right, its bc I'm SAD!!!! depression makes you a buzzkill, who would have thought. be grateful I'm still kicking, bc if I had the capacity to Kermit I would have ages ago! I wish I had to guts to sometimes. I don't, probably never will, and its kind of fucked up that if I were sadder part of me would feel better. what if I just gave up entirely? I'm capable of giving up even more, I assure you.

ugh, this is mentally exhausting. I think that's enough for one day.

peace out <3