talesofdelivery

[talesofdelivery]

Tale 1: A Rough Start

Under the pressure of my peers who have been the unlucky victims of the insanity that I spam there phones with throughout the day, I’ve been convinced to write a blog detailing some of the oddities I experience with color commentary as a delivery driver. I either have an odd sort of luck towards encountering weird scenarios such as being hugged by Trucker Jesus, meeting a doorman who removed the door from the wall every time the door was to be opened, and the naked Asian man answering the door, or simply the ability to explain the things people normally encounter in a manner that gets the actual strangeness of the circumstance across. This all said, lets start with today:

I hit someone on a bike with my car. Fuck! bad start, lets rewind. today was an 11:00 a.m. - 9:00 p.m. shift, which probably comprises a general shift for me. As a self employed delivery driver through wildcat2go, during down time, if any, I get to laze about at my apartment until I get an order. This is where the troubles began. Exiting the apartment to go on an order I encountered the first omen. I’m unsure if what I heard was a lady practicing a musical number or someone within close proximity happened to be listening to an operatic song with the volume up high. However, what I am sure of, is that a woman singing vague opera in the distance while the rest of the worlds normal sounds fade into a natural silence is goddamn eerie. I live about a half block off of K-State university and this was midday Tuesday, so either option would be completely realistic. That said, I now found myself checking for Freddy Krugers in my peripheral vision.

The second omen trying to warn me of the bad day ahead was more subtle. Rather than fearing the ghastly ghost opera floating through the neighborhood, I turned my attention to the news and got hit with today’s headlines, which fully took reality away. First was Stormy Daniels statement on Trumps dick, saying that it looked like Toad from the Mario franchise, something that now exists as a political statement, and given the vigor of the response to the hands incident, one can only imagine what the outcome of this information will be. Now unsure of whether or not this is reality, given the increasing weirdness of today's political scandals, I was struck again, this time by the phrase of the day: Overflowing Poop Lagoons. Due to the poop fields from North Carolina’s pig farmer population, and the nasty weather of hurricane Florence, North Carolina is now dealing with masses of fecal matter contaminating local water sources. This is in fact a tragedy, however, it is hard to take a tragedy serious when the over arching title given to it happens to be overflowing poop lagoons. This title ultimately has no real solutions as synonyms to overflowing poop lagoon such as pig shit tsunami, flooding fecal marsh, or leaking shit pond are equally hilarious and make light of the tragedy that they are facing.

At this point, the combo of the ghostly opera solo, Trump’s Toad dick, overflowing poop lagoons, and the effects of highway hypnotism left me waiting to open a door and be face to face with one of the cenobites from Hellraiser who would be standing at the end of the hallway that I had now appeared in, and instead of chasing me or doing generally creepy shit as they do in the movies, it would simply plop an old cathode tube TV down and force me to watch a feed of current events. The static hum of the old box TV would fade in and mix with the eerie high-pitched music playing distantly in the background... and hoLY FUCK IS THAT A BIKER! I will at this point state that there were no injuries excluding a few scrapes and a bent up tire, and that after an hour of helping out and discussing with the cops the event that had passed I was allowed to return to work. Since then my hands have been shaking with nervous energy and I can barely even look at the car without feeling incredible shame and unwillingness to drive. Whether or not I stay on as a delivery driver will be discovered in due time, but this blog title may not stay for very long. Life has an odd way of delivering punch lines like that, so here’s to a rough start.