talesofthebarelyexisting-blog

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Managing Me

Hello hello, its definitely been a while. I feel like I start off every single one of these things by saying that I have been gone forever. When I started this I intended to keep it up and keep it going but there is no getting around the fact that I have definitely failed in doing that. To be the most honest with you guys, I started this blog in a very grey and foggy time in my life. I was just sort of walking through my life mindlessly, with no ambition and motivation to strive for things or get things done. 2017 was a hard year for me, there were many high points but I was too focused on the valleys instead of the hills. This blog has always been in the back of my mind but with a lack of focus or drive to do anything it was always put on the back burner. 

Lately, within the last couple of months but mainly January, I have been focused on getting things done. Instead of walking through life like a zombie, I have picked up my pace and gained back my drive. Being constantly worried about everything often makes me procrastinate everything because of fear of dealing with things head on. This has been a battle that I have fought for my entire life and recently I think I’ve gotten much better at handling things. This is probably the first time in my adult life that I have begun to act like an adult. This means better money management, eating cooked meals, doing dishes when you make them dirty, and actually calling the pharmacy when I run out of my inhaler and not suffering for days without it because I just hate talking on the phone, etc. The changes that have helped me tremendously, range from small steps to medium steps but I am so incredibly proud of myself for making them at all. 

In saying all of that, this blog and writing in general is something that I would like to devote more time to. Writing has always been very therapeutic to me so I definitely don’t want to leave it behind anymore. My goal for this blog is to be posting once a week now. It won’t be on a certain day or anything as my schedule is sort of all over the place right now. However, once a week on any random day you can expect a post from this blog, whether it be about my day, about body positivity, about clothes and fashion and so on. It’s time to start taking this seriously. I half debated making a new blog all together but I have a little bit of an attachment to this one, so instead of just starting a completely new one I wanted to give this one a fresh start. 

This post has a much more serious tone than most of my other posts but I felt like it was necessary to explain not only where I have been but why I have been so bad at posting since the very beginning of this blog. I’ll keep this one pretty short (okay, I know it still isn’t that short but definitely shorter than some) and end it here. Expect much more from me in this new year!!! 

- Ken 📝❤️

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Rain Rain You Can Stay

Hello hello hello, 

I’m back again! I vanished for quite sometime but the truth is that my writers block is fierce and she will not let up. I call her Karen, she just sits on top of the box labeled “creative writing” in my brain and even though I’ve begged her, she has no plans of moving. Like Karen, I have so many fans just waiting for me to step up and become the next J.K Rowling so move along girl. JUST KIDDING. Sorry I’ve been gone so long. I sat down over multiple occasions and tried to get something out but the words were absolutely not flowing, but I’m here with semi-flowing words now so grab a snack and have a read. Sorry if this turns out to be hot garbage but at A for effort right?

It’s currently pouring down rain outside which is one of my favourite things that the weather does. I love rain, because usually the rain is cold and I happen to really enjoy the cold. It’s also usually grey outside when it rains, and I also happen to find a grey sky weirdly comforting. Rainy days with grey skies make me wanna curl up in a corner of my house, with sweats on and read a book. So I guess today is a good day to write again. I also have to clean the rest of my house today which may be harder in this type of weather but also maybe not. 

In terms of what is new, inside my head nothing seems or feels new. It feels like I’m stuck in a perpetual loop of work and school and never ever branching. I mean obviously new things are happening. A new roommate moved in, which is great because he’s a really nice guy and I no longer have to look for roommates (which is 18 levels of exhausting so everyone knock on wood for me), if the new roomie does read this: HEY!! It’s really nice to have you!! 

Since the last time I wrote one of these, ya know back in 1985, I got a little grey and white kitty named Pat. He’s a silly dude, who loves to play and see people. When he gets tired he’s a very cuddly boy, and he’ll purr when you rub his belly. I am obviously allergic to cats, and lived my whole life saying that I just wasn’t a cat person. I honestly thought most cats were assholes. However, Pat has changed any and all of my past opinions on cats. I love him more than I ever thought possible, I am indeed a crazy cat mom.

On another note, it’s November which means it’s soon December!!!! I love Christmas so so so much. It is hands down my favourite holiday because all of the family comes home and are together and everyone is generally in the Christmas spirit which means everyone is in a good mood! Plus, winter!!! Winter is my favourite season, I love winter so much. It’s always cold, which is the best because anyone who knows me at all knows that I hate to be overheated. Ya girl DOES NOT sleep well in the summer. I get sweaty and cranky and it isn’t a good time for ANYONE. In the winter I sleep like a baby, wrapped up like a burrito and you better believe that my fan still goes. Snow is also so beautiful, mainly because I don’t have to shovel it. I’ll be honest ever since I first watched Friends and saw Phoebe and Mike’s wedding you better believe that I wanted a winter wedding myself, where everything is covered in snow and everything naturally looks beautiful. 

So that is all I have for right now. Sorry this blog wasn’t the most riveting thing to read down through. I know it doesn’t seem like it but I have been trying to get this out for weeks now. I have just been adding bits and pieces to it and now it is somewhat a full blog. I hope this wasn’t a waste of time and promise you that I will indeed try to put more blogs out that are much better quality than this one. Thank you for reading!!! I appreciate it more than you know!

PS: I know it’s actually a super nice day out, but when I named this and wrote a paragraph about how much I love rain, it was indeed raining. I don’t wanna change it so imagine this was posted either last night or the night before when it was pouring out. Okay thank you and bye!

- Ken ☔️/☀️

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Wet, hot, Canadian Summer

Hello hello folks! I admit in my last blog post I focused more on random thoughts than what my summer has consisted of! Summer 2017 thus far has been one that I have thoroughly enjoyed! After March, April and May hit me like a ton of bricks, June and July have been very good to me. I've spent the summer so far surrounded by people who bring me joy, whether it be the amazing co-workers I have that make working customer service tolerable, or the ones that I can tell funny stories about six year olds with, my best friends/roommates who have gone here, there and everywhere with me or my soulmate who for the most part is happy to be dragged from place to place by me. Family has popped in and out of my summer, which is honestly just the biggest cherry on top of my already great couple months. 

 What have I been up to? (Asked no one). Well, mid-June I got to visit Brian's family and spend his parents anniversary with them! This meant that I got to meet many people in his family for the first time! We had quite a few laughs, and a great time! His sister is incredibly hilarious and it was a joy to get to know her. Brian's family makes me feel like family and there's nothing more that I can ask for than that. 

 After that, we packed up and hit the road to see my family. This is my FIRST summer not living with my family which I'm finding a lot harder to deal with than I originally had thought. Usually I'm away from them for months at a time to go to school and get educated and by getting educated I mean waking up and pleading with myself to go to class and usually losing that battle. After all that jazz plays out and my exams are written I get to pack up my life and move it back home for a couple months. This means that mom does my laundry but also that we butt heads because I think I'm a big girl but my mom disagrees. This summer is completely different; I did my school thing and then I went right into my work thing, with no family in between. It's SO hard for me to not see my family every single day, so the week that I got to spend with them was incredibly precious. Mostly because we all missed each other and they weren't yet sick of me xoxoxoxox (Ethan I will always have to shower before you, get over it, but I also I love you). 

Next up on the list to tell y'all about is that a joined a gym (yay, but also don't praise me too hard because I haven't been in a while, but also I promise I plan on going back really soon, like when I post this I hope to have already gone back). So yes, I joined a gym and I obviously had to join one with a pool in it. Honestly if any of you know me at all, you know that if it's summer and I am not submerged in water than you can bet your bottom dollar I am not happy. I swam A LOT and ALSO I taught Christina Michelin how to swim. I won't take much credit for this huge accomplishment of her's because honestly it was mostly all her. I was basically like "yes this is what I do" *does the thing* and she was like "oh okay" and did the thing. Very proud of my water impaired friend, she has done incredibly well and can now swim like Michael Phelps. 

On the topic of Christina, SHE IS LEAVING ME.....IN ONE MONTH. I know that she is going to do amazing things in life and in order to do that she needs to leave here but I am still incredibly heartbroken that I am gonna be here without her. Christina, thank you for dragging me out of many of the funks that I have been in, thank you for making me laugh because some of the things you say are bizarre but I sure will miss the randomness. Thank you for crying with me when I needed you to and laughing with me when I needed that. Thank you for going anywhere and doing anything with me on a moments notice. I am going to have a piece missing when you ship off but I look forward to our FaceTimes and the stories that I know you'll have ready for me. 

Shane, you aren't leaving me so I don't have to say a heartfelt goodbye to you. You're gonna be down the hallway from me for a year. I haven't seen much of Mr. Pope all summer but that's because he's off hiking and going to Mexico and stuff, he's living his best life and I am proud/very happy for him!!! 

So now that I told everyone that I taught Christina how to swim, and got the mushy stuff out of the way we can move onto my brother's visit! My brother, Ethan came to visit me for ALMOST two weeks (but he got sick of sleeping on a couch so he bowed out early, understandable) and in those two weeks I think we had a pretty great time!! We visited comic book stores and ate at almost every single St. John's place that Ethan wanted to eat at! We saw an incredible amount of movies, even two in one day!! (I do not recommend sitting in a theater for 6 hours people, it is not as enjoyable as you would assume). I did however have a huge argument with Mr. Brian (because it happens) and got sick TWICE while Ethan stayed with us (sorry) but overall I think we had a kick-ass almost two weeks and I miss my brotha very much now that he isn't on my couch anymore!! 

Dear lord if anyone actually makes it to the bottom of this one I commend you!!!! I know it's been a long post but this summer has been one of the best so far! Huge thank you to everyone that has been apart of it and made me bust a gut laughing cause chances are you all have and I appreciate you for it. One of the best summers thus far, and it's only August yet y'all! 

Thanks for reading (if you did I totally understand if you were like "she is CRAZY dis is SO long" because I agree) 

-Ken 🌊☀️

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Assortment of Jumbled Thoughts: Read At Own Risk

Hello hello people on the internet! It has been quite sometime since I have last written anything! Not because I don't like to write just because I don't really have anything to write about (welcome to every paper in university ever am I right?)! Speaking of university, that's coming up again soon. Lots of colored pens to buy and notebooks to crack open. I can't really tell you if I'm excited for it to start or not. I just feel like I'm stuck in some sort of rut, like I want my life to move forward but it just feels like it isn't going to for a really long time yet. When I first began university it was a huge deal! You know all of the "this is the beginning of the rest of my life" stuff and all that jazz. However, the excitement has long worn off and the beginning of my forth year feels like a long road that I've only half walked. 

Now let's talk about hobbies. I am SO bad at having hobbies. I never finish anything, books, writing, this blog (but I guess that would go under the writing category). You name the hobby, I've started it or thought about starting it. I need to work on my finishing skills. I need to find something that I enjoy and stick with it. I would love to write a book, but how do people even write books? How do people write enough content to equal a book? How do people get books published? How do people get people to read books they have published? So many questions and never enough time. I guess I also question my skill level when thinking about writing a book. Am I smart enough, funny enough, interesting enough to write a book? All probably a resounding no. But also, I guess you don't know anything for sure until you've actually given it a good try. 

Blogs are an interesting concept of millennials, aren't they? I'm basically writing down every single thought that enters my brain and expecting people to read it all. We've taken the idea of diaries (our private thoughts) and put it on the internet for all of our friends to read. Think about every 90s teenage movie that you've watched, where the main character's diary somehow gets photocopied for the whole school to read. Think about how horrifying of a plot that used to be, now we do it to ourselves. We write down all of our thoughts and then shove it in people's faces; friends, strangers, we want everyone to read our deepest thoughts. 

Anyways, this has been the MOST jumbled blog that I have written so far. Many different thoughts all packed into one piece. It's not a very long blog but my god I feel like it's a roller coaster ride. 

 UNTIL LATER (sorry I haven't done anything interesting), 

 -Ken 🎈

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School Blues & Spring Moods

Hello all you people of the interwebz! I know that I haven’t posted in a while but I promise that I haven’t given up on this!! Everything came down like a ton of bricks the past couple of weeks. I ssstttrrruuuggggllllleeeeddd (hopefully you can make that out, it’s struggled for those who are like “why would you do that” and the answer is emphasis, people, emphasis) with finals. Finals came down on me much harder than I assumed, and by finals I mean my science 1151 final. The other ones were fine but that one really kicked my ass.

Let’s talk about school in specifics. I have been struggling with what to do about my education for the passed 3 years of my life. I’ve been up, down and every direction about what I want to do since I began my university career. I know that I want to be a teacher, because I’d rather talk to children over adults any day. Kids are hilarious, they don’t sugar coat anything because they don’t know how to and honestly, I find the complete and utter honesty quite refreshing. Lately though I’ve been really questioning if I’m smart enough to do it. My grades are not where I want them, plain and simple. They aren’t something I’m super proud of and it sucks when I don’t reach the goals that I set. University has always made me feel subpar and I don’t know how to break that. I want to be able to focus and get the grades but I’m just at a complete loss about how to go about it. Do I stick it out with MUN or should I give CNA a try? The thing about trying CNA is that I can’t be a teacher there, so is the bottom line that I should settle? I just don’t know. I have always been ashamed to be real about my school and be like hey I’m struggling. I don’t like to tell people that my grades are not great because I don’t want people to think less of me, but I’m sick of things like that defining me so I decided to be real with y'all.

On a brighter note Spring has pretty much sprung here in St. John’s and that has got me feeling proactive! I swear to everyone who bothers reading this that I want to lead a much more organized life and that I’m going to figure out some changes to do that in the next little while. I’m going to start by decluttering my life. My closets are overflowing with clothes that I haven’t worn in years (that don’t fit anymore, boohoo) and random items that are most definitely ready to hit the trash can! I’m excited to get a lot of the old stuff that lurks in my room out of the way and all this will be happening within the next little bit!

I have also decided that I do not feel great about myself as of lately. I lost a lot of weight back in the day and I’m not gonna lie and say that I haven’t gained a lot back because I definitely have. There have been many things that have happened since my weight loss that have led to my weight gain but that’s okay because life happens. I am going to start being more healthy this Spring/Summer and that means making some big lifestyle changes! It starts with eating more at home and cooking more lean meals! Fast food is easy when time is not of the essence but I’m done with quick fixes. I have also decided that when the funds become available (I’m a student and I work two jobs to get by, don’t judge) that I’m going to join a gym with my lovely boyfriend and that we’re going to devote a couple hours a week to doing some major sweating at whatever gym we choose!

There’s a major difference between me getting healthier now and my weight loss a while ago: how I feel about myself. When I lost all of the weight beforehand I was in such a fragile and unhealthy relationship with my body. I HATED myself and I wanted to change as much as possible. In order to lose all that weight I terrified myself of food altogether. Despite my mom telling me that I had to treat myself from time to time I never did. If it wasn’t healthy or “diet” food then I can guarantee you that it wasn’t going in my mouth. I would have rather starved than eat a bit of McDonalds and it was only a matter of time before that attitude fell apart. It was a very long road to loving myself and I am most definitely not a skinny Minnie but I can finally say that I love who I am. I don’t hate my body anymore, I made myself familiar with my curves and I decided to see them as beautiful instead of looking away with disgust. I don’t look in the mirror and pick out every single flaw like I used to, I look in the mirror and I see pretty, because I AM PRETTY. I don’t need to be a certain size to feel that way. I learned that my life doesn’t start when I get to a size whatever, my life is happening now and that I would only miss awesome opportunities if I kept saying “oh I can do that when I’m skinny.” I learned to love myself for me, right now, and because of this I can now move forward and get healthy in a healthy way. I’m no longer scared of food, or the way I look.

With everything that has happened so far this year I am so happy to finally say that I’m feeling optimistic. I don’t know if it’s the Springy air that is flowing around town or what but I’m gonna go with the flow and ride this burst of energy! The first step to bettering yourself is admitting that there’s some bettering to be done and I admit I need some improvements!

Thank you to everyone is reading this and care in any way what I have to say!!!

-Ken 💗

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Hello Hello Hello

So I haven't yet quite figured out how to start these things off, or if anyone is really going to bother reading them. So, hello people of the internet, or hello no one at all. My name is Kennedy Samson. My mother constantly jokes that I was named after a stripper because my dad came home after a night out and declared I should be called Kennedy while I was still in her belly. Honestly, I hope there's a stripper out there somewhere named Kennedy, and I hope she's a damn good one considering my dad stole her name. 

 I've actually very recently lost my dad, and I'm still very much going through all the emotions of that. Despite a rocky relationship between us for the past couple years we were just starting to put things behind us. My dad passed away after he tried his hardest to fix his past mistakes. I keep this in my heart everyday, knowing that he did not succumb to his disease. He was getting better, it was just too late. He's a very strong willed guy and I know that he put his all into getting better, and that gives me peace when it hurts that he's gone. I may not have talked to him everyday but he's left a void in my life that I know will never be filled. I have his watch, that he forgot to change the battery in. It sits on my night stand and every now and again it lets off a small beep, and I know that that's my dad's way of saying hello or butting in on whatever conversation is going on at the time. 

 I'm currently in university trying to finish an English degree. I'll give you a few minutes so you can get through your chuckles about that.....yes I'm honestly working towards an English degree. Which essentially means that I'm giving MUN thousands of dollars to end up graduating with absolutely no job options to pay back the thousands that I've spent on my education. Hopefully though, I will go back to fast track education and become a primary/elementary teacher. That's the dream, shaping the tiny minds of the future. I wish I could say that my past three years have been easy, but they certainly have not been. I've changed my mind about what I wanted to do so many times that no one actually takes me serious anymore when I tell them. I have experienced failure more than once, and I've lost motivation more than a couple times, but the thing that matters is that I'm still (very surprisingly to myself) trucking on through. I'm on my third year and I should have one year left before I get the piece of paper that I've worked so hard for! 

I'm very proud of myself in a few areas of my life, school being a huge one because I'm still in it and also my view on myself is something that has come tenfold over the years. Years ago I would be much too afraid to start a blog, people noticing me was one of my biggest fears. I was the most happy being the girl in the corner that was out of view of everyone. No one wants to be looked at and judged, but truth is that no one is judging as hard as you are. I notice COUNTLESS things on myself or about myself that I would never notice on someone else. If you can even see the slightest wrinkle on my shirt that signifies the fat behind it, then I can promise you that is not the shirt that I will wear out. My whole life I've came down on myself in such a crippling way and it's taken me such a long time to realize that what I was doing was so unnecessary. No one cares what you do or what you wear. So now I'm not afraid to be like HEY GUYS, LOOK AT ME! THIS IS WHO I AM!! 

 It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my life. I want to share what I've learned throughout my life and what I'm still learning everyday, in hopes that one more person is just a little less hard on themselves. So I hope that you join me along the way. This is a little introduction as to who I am and what my life consists of. 

This is also incredibly long to props to anyone who actually reads the whole thing, bear with me as I try to get better at this! That's all for now because if I wrote anymore I'd bore people to death, but I'll be back!! 

-Ken (which is what people call me no matter how much I protest. So I've just decided to embrace it. PS: thanks mom for giving me a name that can only really be shortened to "Ken")