tammykohyx

[tammykohyx]

the reason why i’m crying today is because i finally knew what i needed to do but i need a lot a lot of courage and it’s so hardbreaking to even think about it.

[tammykohyx]

I’ve cried a lot as a child —

It wasn’t much of a full-blown abusive and broken childhood, but it’s more or feeling guilt that fueled from my mum’s anger, feeling timid from doing something wrong and used as a reason for the next family’s fight, and trying to live a life that my parents couldn’t.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault for my childhood scar, although I tried for a long time to pin it on someone. I finally saw their insecurity and uncertainty of raising someone they call their own, and it intimidates them. You know when you try to do something so perfect and it drains all your energy that eventually channels into frustration? That’s my family. And I understand that now, because that was me trying to fix my own life.

So I may cry a lot as a child, and perhaps in future, but living is all about feeling. And I just have to take that leap into the unknown.

[tammykohyx]

I know i’m sad and heartbroken. But i’m unsure why. But I know now that I need to be more confident in my own emotions, and it’s okay to be feeling this way. Unlike last time, I will seek help, but at the same time, I understand my happiness should not be determine by someone else.

[tammykohyx]

lmao sometimes i hate my face so much

[tammykohyx]

it’s like so dramatic sometimes, but yet it’s not. yet, it’s validated, so it’s okay to be dramatic. but — (repeat on loop)

[tammykohyx]

i wonder if anyone genuinely care how i really am or they just want someone to listen and ask them about how they really are

[tammykohyx]

i really don’t know if i’m just bad at management, lazy, and dramatic, or really just had a depression relapse.

[tammykohyx]

“Bad things happen to good people”, my pov (part one)

To that phase, I’ll agree to disagree. Bad things happen to people that choose to dwell on them. Like what someone shared with me: when bad things happen, and you don’t let go, you see the world duller, meaner. 

I’m currently at the stage where I’ll classify them under “maturing” (maybe? who knows I’ll read it a year from now and go like PFT). It took me a long time to get here though. I used to think I was mature because I saw the world as it was at 7: mental disorders, lies, and empty threats. It made me mature when I’m dealing with another person because empathy was in me. But I knew I was a mentally violent and misguided person, especially to myself.

I think I had the mindset of being built to a “perfect kid” (because only child), and this mental violence and misguidance I had made me hate myself even more because I knew I wasn’t what people claimed to be; and yet I couldn’t show. This made me question my identity.

Up to 16, when I saw a professional, and my dad asked the doctor “why is this happening to her”, to which she replied “things happen, there’s no why. the thing we are trying to answer here is how; how to get her to love herself again”

[tammykohyx]

five things you’ve taught/shown me:

one; don’t take everything too seriously. have a little fun with life even if it throws shit on you.

two; think simple. don’t over-complicate things

three; when you mess up, people around you pays the price for you too.

four; money can always be earned back. not time.

five; i have always been worth loving all along.

[tammykohyx]

The people that i look up to disappointed me.

Well that’s something i’m currently facing. But it’s also something i cannot point fingers to. Because the people i looked up to, have never asked to be look up upon. Plus it’s selfish to say they have disappointed me just for acting a certain and probably unfavourable way.

People live their lives. and it’s okay to look up to them; but when things change, and your mindset grows, don’t ever blame people for living their lives, whether it’s for the best or not (in your eyes). Just continue living yours.

[tammykohyx]

STOP FEEDING THE MEDIA ATTENTION

Being well-informed is one thing. Commenting cluelessly and claiming that the issue is wrong without even knowing the ACTUAL issue, is just messed up.

People say the media is messed up. But the media is made for and by the consumers.

[tammykohyx]

I realised nobody can hate you more than yourself. So i hope today we find a little self love, even if it’s just buying yourself a bag of chips. Stop comparing and validate your own heart and mind.

[tammykohyx]

I just want to hear from more perspective. I want to cease to exist.

I’m just confused, and tired of hearing the word “I”, from my own mouth, to people’s mouth. Yes, be more selfish, they said. But if everyone is just going to talk about themselves, who’s going to listen.

So, I hope to cease to exist.

[tammykohyx]

i thought talking to someone that mattered will make me more assured and less empty. But throughout the conversation I was just crying and i couldnt figure why.

[tammykohyx]

20 things i’ve learned at 20

1. Grades doesn’t matter if you’re going to act like shit.

2. You actually cannot do what you want, despite what people say,

3. because responsibilities come with sacrifice.

4. People are going to talk, even your friends, but don’t waver if you believe in something.

5. Don’t talk behind people’s back, we’re all adults.

6. If the feedback isn’t going to be constructive and helpful in future, don’t bother.

7. Regret comes when you don’t learn from the situation.

8. Don’t have regrets.

9. We’re adults, we can’t blame all sorts of things on anyone, or even ourselves. Accept that it happened.

10. Earn your own money. Pay your own bills.

11. Complain all you will, but if you don’t intend to do anything, don’t cry about it.

12. Things don’t always have to be fair. But things happen for a reason.

13. Relationships are a bonus, it shouldn’t run you.

14. It’s okay if you have yet to found yourself.

15. If they matter, you’ll do something about it.

16. If you matter, they’ll do something about it.

17. You can’t always be well-liked. Do you, even if you end up being the bad guy.

18. Eat, exercise, sleep. You need it.

19. Your family and partner isn’t there to fix you.

20. Drink, have fun, have sex, ignore point 2; but remember all those come with consequences. Don’t start something you cannot handle.

[tammykohyx]

I think,

I need to be alone for the moment. Yes, being alone is scary because thoughts run faster than your tongue. But I really need it. I’ve been feeling like shit with people in school and home. I’m not sure. There’s no one and no situation to pinpoint but I’m just having to fake happy. And I’ve recently discovered that I might be happy with selective people. But I guess, double standards. When I need a mental break, nobody is giving me the chance. They’re pushing me for answers. Which I’ve learn to come to terms, I don’t have to give answers. If I’m respected as a friend and person, I would know it. For now, nah. The universe have something against me. And i’m not self-pitying. I’m just stating a fact that I’ve come to terms with. The storm will pass, is a phrase a friend told me recently. And I cried again, because this sentence was told by my best friend exactly 10 years ago, and if anything, the storm has gotten heavier. I’m not sure why I’ve been living my life being fearful of someone. And I wasn’t honest with my feelings. Because life has taught me when you’re honest you’re given nothing but trouble. But it’s ok. Life hurts I’m tired. Give me time. Those that can wait, please do. If you think it’s crap, I’m sorry for disappointing, and goodbye. 

[tammykohyx]

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