tangerineviz - Tumblr blog

[tangerineviz]

totes are like if you designed a bag specifically to suck. nothing about a tote bag is at user friendly design. and i love them so much

[tangerineviz]

me: ofc i have friends

my friends: we r literally words on paper

[tangerineviz]

the sluttiest thing a man can do is touch your ungloved hand whilst helping you into a carriage

[tangerineviz]

i miss you.

[tangerineviz]

i wish i didnt try so often to be well spoken.

i wish i said everything i meant

and only what i meant

i wish i was kind enough

i wish my insecurities didn’t let me hurt those around me

i wish i had known when to keep love and when to let it go

i wish i didnt care about the reactions i get

i wish i wasnt scared to actually say how i feel

i wish i could say outloud how i feel about myself

when i am proud and when i loathe myself

but i don’t even know

i wish i feel enough

but i never do

i wish i didnt have to be so worried

i wish i didnt feel like a fraud every day

i wish i didnt feel this way

i wish i was cared for

of love, not sympathy

but i will always have this void,

and i‘ll always need something i don’t want to find.

[tangerineviz]

conflicted faith

staggered faith

yet i still pray to you

i challenge you and what you stand for

yet i fight for you

i rebel against you

yet i still fear you and i go back to you

sometimes i don’t understand you

yet i am so grateful for all what you’ve given me

And i understand that you are my superior

that we do not stand on equal footing

but you‘re so close

you‘re in my thoughts, my mind, and you watch over my soul

i try to push you back but i know i love you more than words can describe.

[tangerineviz]

scream and say i am here. live so loudly. live so vividly. live so glamorously. don’t shy away from life. own it. and love it. and love everything that makes it up.

[tangerineviz]

don’t shy away from being seen, from getting heard.

[tangerineviz]

some part within me stopped loving me, and then life no longer mattered.

[tangerineviz]

watching pride and prejudice to realise I aint the sassy witty beautiful elizabeth but the socially awkward introverted mr darcy without the money

[tangerineviz]

I think I am falling in love again, and I am scared. I am scared if it isn't love but something else.

I think about him a lot. I miss him. I see him in a lot of what I do. I remember him. Whenever I see something, it reminds me of him.

He makes everything a little better. But I've felt that before and it wasn't love. And being with him is so difficult and there are so many obstacles. I think he could be just a really good friend that I miss. Maybe that is why I feel this way. Or maybe I wish that this is just it, so that I don't have to deal with this.

[tangerineviz]

same energy

[tangerineviz]

I wrote that when I first got into uni. It had been my first time being around people my age since I was 12. I had been home schooled until uni. I was so insecure and lonely. I chameleoned my way through it. I was loud, inconsiderate, and really at the bottom of it insecure and seeking validation. It was until I got all the 'friends' I dreamed of having that I realized no amount of friends can heal my loneliness. I just needed to love myself and my own company to stop feeling so lonely. I realised no one can give me fulfillment or happiness but myself. I just had an excuse before, because I actually had no friends. But once I had friends, I had no excuse. Why was I still lonely and miserable? Why did I dislike myself more? Because I was no lying for validation.

I try so hard now. I try to be more real and genuine. Without giving too much focus to it. Because at the end, who am I really? Just a compilation of everything I was surrounded by and been through. I am a reaction to my environment and some biological factors within me. So I try to be raw and genuine while understanding that I am also human and have needs to be seen and validated. I am trying to be real. And being real includes wanting to be perceived a certain way, even if that 'way' is not fully you, it is still part of that genuine process.

So be you. And allow yourself to exist without too much censorship and scrutiny. You are allowed to breathe.

somehow. somehow i changed and it wasn’t who i wanted to be. somehow i took paths and they lead far from where i wanted to be. genuine. suddenly everything stopped being genuine. lies and exaggeration accompanied every talk and action. insecurities. insecurities shaped me. suddenly nothing felt good without continuous reassurance. oblivion. suddenly i no longer saw how faulty my actions could be. oblivion colored every action of mine. selfish. my desires came first. i no longer cared for more than my instant desires over your long held beliefs.

I am sorry. Sorry that I was so lost that I couldn’t see. I will learn to slowly fully accept me. So that you’d never hurt again like this.

[tangerineviz]

[tangerineviz]

[tangerineviz]

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Oscar Wilde

[tangerineviz]

ppl who send nice messages on anon go straight to heaven