taobakas - Tumblr blog

[taobakas]

tw// suicidal ideation, depression (?)

i don’t think i’ve ever consistently thought about ceasing to exist more than i have today. i can’t tell if these are just intrusive thoughts or if they are thoughts with actual weight behind them. 

i was never the type to think i had these types of problems. i shut off my feelings so often and for so long that i deluded myself into thinking that i had no problems with my emotions whatsoever. i foolishly thought i didn’t have to be instrospective with myself because-- what’s the point? i have no issues anyways. 

i thought i was just in a bad place as of lately, but after looking back at some previous drafts, i realize i’ve been feeling this way for the past 6 years. unknowingly bottling up the antipathy for myself since the end of high school.

it’s finally hitting me that i have some deep-rooted loneliness, sadness, and self-hatred and it’s terrifying to come to terms with it. 

[taobakas]

Today, I prepared my work’s website from home or a few hours while chatting with my coworkers. I fed my dog some watermelon. I checked my mailbox three times for a package I never received. I found that a letter I had sent to someone got returned for not having enough postage. I realized that I have no idea how stamps or postage even work. I did the dishes and wiped down the tables. I took pictures of my dog on a yoga mat. Today, just as any other day, I lived. I must not take any of it for granted.

[taobakas]

no amount of guilt can change the past

and no amount of anxiety can change the future.

after 4 or 5 years off of this blog, i’m writing this as a reminder to be kinder to myself.

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

予感子

[taobakas]

san junipero fed my children, watered my crops, cleared my skin, brightened my future, cleansed my past, made me a better person-

[taobakas]

wink

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

Pastel Jacket

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

[taobakas]

[taobakas]