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Gotham Gazette: Reporter Clark Kent spotted wearing t-shirt stating “I fucked him before he was a himbo”

Gotham Gazette a few days later: BREAKING NEWS: Red Hood has issued several death threats against Clark Kent

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What a bunch of weebs RIP to Bruce's Yacht tho it did not make it home

Tip jar

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i wanted to be like her as a child so bad

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The Batkids play a game called “Guess Who Bruce Is Disappointed In Today” and it is a bloodsport.

It started as a joke. It is no longer a joke.

Every morning, without fail, one of them walks into the kitchen and says:

“Guess who Bruce is disappointed in today?”

And they all take turns guessing based on crime alerts, nightly patrol rotations, and vibes.

It’s become a system.

It went like:

Jason: “I knocked out a senator by accident. My odds are high.”

Tim: “I drank seventeen Red Bulls and fell asleep on top of the Batcomputer.”

Damian: “I released three bats into Gotham General Hospital as enrichment. They were bored.”

Steph: “I called him ‘Brucie’ in front of a senator.”

Cass: Just raises a finger and shrugs.

Then Bruce walks in, dead silent, pours his coffee, looks at no one, and walks away.

Tim: “It’s Jason.”

Jason: “DAMN IT.

Rules:

If you guess wrong, you have to do patrol with Damian and listen to him rant about the superiority of traditional swordsmanship for two hours.

If you guess right, you get to choose the movie on family movie night.

If Bruce is disappointed in himself, everyone gets ice cream. That’s the law.

It got so serious they made a whiteboard. Labeled it: “DISAPPOINTMENT LEADERBOARD.”

Top scores:

Tim (17 correct guesses, possible mind reader)

Cass (14, reads vibes better than Google Translate reads Latin)

Steph (11, mostly via chaos intuition)

Jason (2. constantly thinks it’s him. It often is. But not always.)

Damian (0. refuses to acknowledge he is ever the cause)

One time Dick guessed correctly for the first time in 3 months and everyone clapped.

He cried.

Alt. Version: Guess Who Bruce Is Proud Of Today.

Game cancelled due to lack of data.

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Recently my brother and I were bored at a restaurant and it reminded me of the batkids.

Dick (trying to stop everyone from making a PR mess at the gala): why don't you play something. Like Uhhh... I spy with my little eye something that is blue.

Damian: Okay. The tie of that man over there.

Dick: Yes you got it. Your turn.

Damian: I spy with my little eye something brown.

Dick: The shoes of that woman over there?

Damian: No.

Dick: The food?

Damian: No. Should I reveal it?

Dick: yeah please...

Damian: This crumb in front of you.

~ They play hyperspecific Iswmle for a while, other siblings have joined in until: ~

Tim: I don't spy with my little eye something that is black.

Dick: That's not-

Damian: Drake! What is this nonsense?

Tim: Well I don't see it and you don't see it either and it's black

Jason: The separate car we should have taken here, that would also bring us home right now?

Tim: Correct. I want to go home.

Jason: Well I don't spy with my little eye something that is red

Dick: Your bed?

Jason: Yes, I could be in my bed right now, reading something instead of wasting my time here.

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Translation

Jason: Fucking crybaby

Translation

Tim: You're a fucking goddamn ASSHOLE

Jason: DICK! This sick fucker started with his bullshit!

Tim: Fucking Chilean!

Jason: Fucking Argentinian!

Tim: Dumbass!

Jason: Asshole!

Tim: Motherfucker!

Jason: Pussy Ass Motherfucker!

... Someone asked for Jason and Tim... Technically, I did it-

Follow me on Insta! :D https://www.instagram.com/_chubby.p1nk_?igsh=MXNicnd4NnFuYXM1cg==

This 2 are my favs, it kinda shows too? I love them, my babies. (I want them to suffer)

Also, in the comments I talk about something LKJASDLKJ No me funen pls-

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"Red Hood vs. Batgirl who's winning the fight" There is no fight. Have you forgotten who we're talking about here

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By some supernatural accident, Batman and Superman swap bodies. But the accident was just so embarassing that they collectively decided to NOT tell anyone about, and figure out how to reverse it all on their own. But, unfortunately, this means they now have to keep up this farce in front of their families

Clark, in Bruce's body, wiping some blood off his mouth and wincing at the 15 cracked ribs he now has: Guess I can bleed, huh

Dick, staring in disbelief after the patrol: YES OFCOURSE YOU CAN!? WHY THE HELL DID YOU THROW YOURSELF DIRECTLY ON TOP OF A GRENADE-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, in Clark's body, squinting at the bright smallville sun at the Kent farm: This is way too much for 11 am

Jon, staring at his newly grumpy dad: I think batman is a bad influence on you, dad

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clark in Bruce's body, staring at his reflection in the mirror: The shoulder to waist ratio is insane, such a grabbable waist

Poor Tim, who accidentally overheard this, getting ready to call Arkham: Uhuh it's definitely, insane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kon: And so I said, ofcourse, i would love the soup-er salad!

Bruce in Clark's body, deadpan expression on his face:

Kon: Get it? Soup-er salad?

Bruce: Yes

Kon, sad puppy expression: You always laugh at soup puns :(

Bruce, now with an Extremely Forced little smile: Yes it was very....funny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clark, in Bruce's body, rushing to hug a visibly bleeding Jason who walked into the cave after patrol: What happened?! Are you okay?

Jason, freezing up because the last time Bruce ran to hug him was, never:

Clark, immediately backing up, and speaking with a deliberately gruff voice: I mean. Is the blood yours? Son.

Jason:...no

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young just us

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The Bat kids definitely all know each others' most embarrassing moments and leverage this knowledge mercilessly.

They have an unspoken rule that these stories never leave the family, but within Wayne Manor, everything is fair game.

Tim can't live down the time he sleepwalked into a Justice League meeting and gave a twenty-minute presentation on why hotdogs are basically a taco before anyone woke him up.

Dick is still haunted by the security footage of him practicing pickup lines in the Batcave mirror while wearing the Nightwing suit. ("Hey there, they call me Nightwing, but you can call me... anytime." finger guns)

Jason refuses to acknowledge the existence of his teenage poetry journal that Damian found and distributed to everyone. No one is allowed to mention the phrase "darkness of my bleeding soul" in his presence.

Damian pretends he doesn't know about the video of him baby-talking to a kitten for forty-five minutes straight while thinking no one was home.

Bruce has no embarrassing moments because he's Batman. Except for the time he got his cape stuck in the Batmobile door and dragged himself halfway across Gotham before realizing.

The only person with no embarrassing stories is Alfred, because Alfred has never done anything embarrassing in his entire life. He does, however, have a comprehensive file of everyone else's moments that he threatens to show at galas when they misbehave.

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Bruce: I haven't seen any of the boys for fifteen minutes now.

*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside, and only the top of Damian’s head visible in the backseat, is seen rolling down a driveway. With Dick, Jason, Tim, and Duke running after it in a panic.*

*Bruce doesn't look outside at all.*

Bruce: That probably means they're getting into trouble.

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AU where Tim dresses up as Ra's and the whole league thinks it's Ra's possessing him and by the time Ra's realises he hasn't seen anyone in days Tim already has the assassins on his payroll

:)

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Don’t worry, bud, Bruce will get it eventually…

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don’t ask me what they’re doing I have no fucking clue 😭😭😭

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for fellow glowy!Jason enthusiasts and potential converts, have an all-blades concept