tarot-system - Tumblr blog

[tarot-system]

I love it how due to recent events I've become so anxious around my friends. If they don't talk to me in a while I begin to overthink and isolate further.

[tarot-system]

Tw: suicidal, self harm, disordered eating

I fucking hate myself so much. I only make shit worse. I wish I died long ago. I'm so glad that you wont ever fucking find this acc. I'm legit gonna go back to my "wont speak unless spoken to" era. Let's see how long it takes for me to lose the ability to speak again.

You know, fuck that promise I made to you. I'm going to gladly fucking starve myself and force myself to vomit. I dont give a shit if youre "worried" and "care" about me. Those are all fucking lies. I'm gonna starve myself till Im loveable.

Imma keep cutting myself. Fuck this shit.

[tarot-system]

Tw: suicide, self harm, disordered eating

I'm sorry that I'm so burnt out and can't fucking respond properly anymore. I'm sorry that I failed to fucking kill myself so many times. I hate myself so fucking much. Pls I need to fucking die. I'm so sorry I fucking happen to exist.

I'm held up to the expectation to respond to you properly. I hate that. It's like you don't realize that I'm so extremely burnt out. I'm actually gonna kill myself one day. Hopefully soon. You have no idea how much I hate myself. Stop caring about me pls. Let me kill myself.

I want you to tell me shit. I want to always be hearing shit that encourages me to starve myself. Like do that instead of pretending to care. Encourage me to fucking cut myself deeper and/or more. Encourage me to start forcing myself to purge. Pls. I want to hurt myself.

To be fair, what did I expect? You've told me you couldnt care bc youre burnt out. I get that. Yet, Im a stupid fucking bitch. I need to learn to shut the fuck up for once. If I feel like you dont care then thats a ME problem bc youve said it to me many times yet I dont listen.

It's NOT your fault.

It's my fault.

I'm gonna cut myself like crazy tonight.

[tarot-system]

Vent:

Tw: Suicide, self-harm, homicidal thoughts, mentioned eating disorder.

I want to kill myself. Fuck getting better. If being better means I'll be hospitalized against my will and be forced to stay in a room where there is fucking nothing to do then I'd rather stay fucking ill. I'm so close to slitting my throat on that fucking stage in class. Fuck being here. Why haven't I got the courage to kill myself? My mom thinks being hospitalized will make me better like my sister. My sister is an asshole. An asshole who gets fucking depressed when a boyfriend breaks up with her. My sister is an abusive asshole to her boyfriends. My sister always hits them. I am NOT my sister. I am NOT going to get better in that fucking looney bin. I've been there 4 times already, why can't my mom see that I only get worse each time? It's like she automatically expects me to be like my sister. My sister always claims to be better yet she's always being a fucking hoe. That is all my sister does; be a fucking whore. Just because my sister ALWAYS has a new fucking boyfriend every 5 seconds doesn't make her better than me. My sister is a piece of shit who thinks she's better than everyone else because she's always telling people, "shut up or I'll kill you all 🥺". She thinks she's better because she has "homocidal" thoughts. She tells me how I'm such a "loser" for being suicidal. Bitch, I'm fucking having both homocidal and sucidal thoughts. Bold to fucking assume I only have one. My sister goes bragging about how she's "better than the suicidal emos" and how she had attempted, is "going to kill someone", constantly tells people "I'll kill u 😍🥺", and also how she is "the most mentally ill" person out of the whole family. Hello? Do you not see me and the others? She is NOT the "most mentally ill" in fact she needs to wake up and realize everyone has their own problems not just her.

Things my sister suffers from: break ups with boyfriends, being a bitch, and ptsd.

Things my older sibling suffers from: No bitches, being an asshole who man-splains my own illnesses/disorders/syndromes to me, ptsd, the tism, and being fucking delusional

Things my youngest sister suffers from: not touching grass, ptsd, and being obsessed with genshin impact.

Things I suffer from: being a dumb bitch (you cannot tell me otherwise), being an fugly bitch, system, developing a eating disorder, and being weird as fuck.

Sure most of this is me joking abt it but fr i did put things that are actual struggles. Everyome struggles with ptsd but my sister thinks it's only her who does. I hate my sister.

[tarot-system]

Vent:

Tw: Suicide

I'm always told what I go through is normal. If it's so normal then don't try to help me anymore. I'm always telling people that I'm in extreme distress. I should just kill myself already. Why am I such a fucking coward? Why can't I just kill myself already? No one cares. No one will ever fucking care. So, I'll just have to suck it up and pretend to be fine. I have to pretend to be alive and willing to live. I am disconnected. I am disconnected from emotions, reality, sense of self, and sense of time. Just please let me die already. If what I'm experiencing is normal then let me kill myself. Fucking let me do it already. I wish to finally have the strength to do it.

Friends

I am nothing without them. I need them even if they treat me like shit. Keep telling me such sweet lies. Please pretend and lie to me about how I "matter". I want all those lies to spill out.

Actually, don't fucking lie to me and just tell me how I'm a piece of shit, how I wasted your time, how I'm worthless, how annoying I am, how fucking idiotic I am, how arrogant I am, and how naïve I am.

I'm going to kill myself soon. Have fun.

[tarot-system]

Vent:

I was a fucking idiot for ever telling them my vents. Just don't pretend. Tell me the truth. I'd rather not waste both our time. I called you a friend but you lied to me. I feel betrayed. Why couldn't you just tell me? I told you that I barely have empathy and sympathy but that does NOT mean I don't care about you nor does it mean that I have no feelings. I felt betrayed and lied to. I should have listened to 🤍, they were right. I always read messages sent by other alters. I have to act like it doesn't bother me.

Tw: self-harm

I'm going to cut myself later for being such an idiot.

Why did I ever think that I could talk to them about it if they were just going to pretend?

I was right.

People always do one of these things when I vent to them:

1) Act like I've said a stupid joke

2) Ignore it or tell me I'm dramatic

3) Send me away so they don't deal with me.

But now I'll add one more.

4) Fucking pretending to care.

I'd rather slit my fucking throat than ever tell someone how I truely feel from now on.

[tarot-system]

My non-vent account!

[tarot-system]

Vent:

I should just stop talking for once and let people be happier without my existence bothering them.

[tarot-system]

Vent:

Lately, I've only been met with people being distant to me.

Tw: Self-harm

I must be the problem, right? I mean people have been much happier without me. All I do is make others worry. I have pocket and wrist checks now as if my thighs don't exist to cut. My thighs are riddled in cuts. Baby cuts or cat scratches. I want to hit styros but I'm to scared that they'd get infected. Also my pain tolerance in my thighs is lower than that of my arms.

-🖤