tbd99

[tbd99]

entry: 13

i should just give it up im really getting tired of being here. i can hardly sleep these days, I'm angry for no reason, I don't have a purpose here, and I'm just really tired. i cant talk to people anymore and I just wish they'd seriously just leave me alone. i don't want to talk to anyone ever again. i just want to stay inside forever and never speak to another person again. everyone is so loud and the noise is unbearable. plus, my friends are getting sick of me and I feel I'm getting sick of them too. i don't know why I'm this way.

everything is so loud and i dont know how much longer I can do this

[tbd99]

entry: 12

I dunno want I wanna write, all I know is that I don't feel good. I feel like I wanna do something with my life, but Idk what to do. I get struck with this burning passion in my heart, only for it to go away a day or two later. I dunno what's wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like my life is worth living, that maybe one day I'll be capable of something good, and then another day, I'm back wondering why I'm even here. I'm not good at anything, I don't even know why I try and pursue those little stupid ideas I get. I haven't talked about those bottles of pills in a while but I've sure been thinking about them. Maybe I don't have the balls to do it because I haven't set out a plan. I have so much stuff to hide before I die. I don't want my mother finding the books where I talk about my feelings or the blades on the nightstand or the key to that box under my poster. Maybe I just need to start the preparations. I'm not sure what that'll be. I owe an explanation to one of my friends though. Maybe to my sisters. I don't really think anyone'll care. I started ghosting my friends more. I'm not very pleasant to be around right now. I think my mother is getting annoyed with me rn too. I don't do anything, I get why she'd be annoyed. I learned how to make some sandwiches so I guess she won't have to make food for me anymore. My eye backs have gotten so much worse and I cant even put on a happy act anymore. My mother put on the whiteboard, "Know you are loved!!" and its really sweet but I couldn't even smile at it. I know she cares, she's not a bad mother. Im just not helpable. Therapy didn't work anyway. I wish I was happier for other people's sake, like my mother. I just feel bad she didn't get a good kid like one of my cousins or something. My mother talks to herself a lot because she says she has no one and that I hardly talk. I feel bad about that. I wish I could keep up.

I always wondered if like my mother or father would try to kill themselves if I did. I don't think they would but that's kinda the only thing stopping me. I just want this teenage sadness to stop. Everyone talks about how they were so edgy as a teenager but it stopped when they were an adult. I'm just waiting for my brain to stop being this way. I just wish I wasn't this way. I don't even understand half of the things I write. My brain is so scattered all the time but yet there's nothing in there at the same time. My vision is grey and burly full of noise. I wish I could see the world for what it really is once in a while. I turn 15 soon. Two months from now. I wonder if I should leave before I turn 15. I don't want to celebrate my birthday and act happy. Anyway, it's 11:28am and I haven't had a good night's sleep in ages. I only slept 4 hours. Maybe I'll go lie down again. Goodbye.

[tbd99]

entry: 11

I'm tired of feeding into my own sadness.

At what point can you truly say you're truly depressed, and not forcing yourself to say there? I feel that if I really tried, I could escape this emptiness that has been following me my whole life. I actually have tried that lately. I tried doing something that I loved... but I just couldn't. I got frustrated each and every day I tried making a change for the better. I just hope that one warm summer day, it'll all go away, and I'll finally feel happy. I don't even know what day it is, that's the kind of loop I'm living in. It's 2:50 am on some random day in the year, and that's all I know. I don't go outside anymore, and the reason for it is cowardly. I'm scared of the people, and their eyes. If I can't even try and be happy, why am I still here? If it takes to much of me to even do the littlest things. My mother has told me to do the same things for the past 3 days. Unload the dishwasher, clean the living room, and clean the bathroom. 3 small tasks normal people do everyday. But I'm not normal. I'm lazy. I'm a lazy person who can't do anything right. Mother doesn't say that but I know she thinks it. When I ask her to make me food because I'm hungry I know she looks at me like I'm a helpless child. but that's not true. i don't need anyone. i never have. i don't need anyone to try and fix me either. i begged my mother to take me to therapy and well... even the therapist said I wasn't depressed and to go on more walks. that's what the problem was. i was upset at first, no one could see how bad I was , but now that I think about it, I really was fine. even now, I am. people think about this kind of thing all the time. people think about suicide. people cut themselves. im no different. people just get over it faster than I do. I tried to look for pills in my mother's pill cabinet last night. or well-- a few weeks ago maybe?? my memory is really bad. she had nothing but allergy pills, but I could only look for like.. 4 minutes, until my sister came knocking at my door. it was scrambling to put the pills back in the cabinet, and I don't even know where this rant is going. i just think im ready to try again. that's my point. im not even spelling things properly or putting stuff in coherent sentences, and frankly, I don't care. someone I know is having a birthday party, and it would be a good way to say goodbye to all my friends. i normally try and do this each time I attempt. they've had to put up with me for so long, I feel as if I owe them a goodbye.

i wasnt going to go because ive been looking and feeling like total shit. i mean you cant look at me but if you did I look seriously awful. my skin is all grey, and my eyes are all dull. i haven't been speaking much, and honestly. i don't know how my mother doesn't know whats going on.. I've been starting to suspect for a while she knows, but doesn't really care to help. I've felt like this for so long, there's no way no one can understand me. I'm the youngest in my whole family by like... a whole decade. sometimes, I feel like some monkey in a cage. no one takes me seriously, and they all just disregard my actions as me being a teenager. which I get. I'm a pretty angst teen. but.. I've always been this way. I feel like the people in my family understand me, because they've been a teen before, but they're so detached from this feeling. sometimes, I wonder if anyone in my family has felt the things I've felt before. i don't think I'm sensitive, but, when you make a whole tumblr blog just to rant your feelings..... its sure starting to work that way. going back to that birthday party thing, I was thinking of going. but.. i hate the act I have to put on whenever I see my friends. I'm a very bleak and monotone person, but if my friends ever heard someone describe me that way, they wouldn't believe it. i put on this show whenever I'm around people, so they don't worry about me. I've been doing it my whole life. i don't know why I do it, it just makes me feel better if others don't know the rotting going on in my mind. i really don't feel good enough, but I guess ill stop ranting. sorry this was so rambly.

[tbd99]

Entry 10

I missed when waking up felt refreshing. I am in this constant cycle of waking up tired, being tired all day, and trying to sleep because I'm still so tired. Why does every day feel like this? I wake up with this pit in my chest every time I take my first breath. I haven't felt awake in so long. I've just been going through the motions, waiting for something to change, or something to give me purpose. This void I feel has been stuck here for as long as I can remember and I don't want it anymore. I remember waking up, excited to create something. I wanted to be an artist, or hell, just anything where I could create. I hardly draw anymore, and I feel so desire to do anything. I wish I didn't feel like this. I just know my mother feels as if she has a lazy son, and that I fail her with each breath I take. I hope next time I live, I won't fail you so badly. I hope that maybe if reincarnation is real, I could at least be a passerby who pays for your drink at a coffee shop. That would've been far more meaningful than anything I've done for you as a son. I'm sorry to everyone who knows me, actually. I scare people with the way I act. They're scared that one day I won't ever text them again, and that's an awful thought to have. I don't want to make anyone feel like that, and the only way I know how to stop that is if I stop existing. I have always been scared of death, but I know that when I do take that step, my last breath will be a sigh of relief. I just hope that when I die, I can at least die where people love me in their eyes. If you couldn't love me when I was alive, please love me when I die. That's all I want. I miss how gently people treated me as a child. My father would let me sleep on his chest, but now, when he sees me, he's full of nothing but disgust, like I'm just so ugly and disappointed to look at. My sister would hold me as we both slept in her bed because I was too scared to sleep on my own. I miss being held like that. But touch feels so foreign to me now, I can't expect it from anyone. My teachers, they thought I was the smartest child. They would show my work as an example to the other students, and they would tell me how I had so much in store. Now, they all look at me with pity. They see how tired my eyes are now. They stopped believing in me. My mother... I don't remember getting that much affection from her. Biit, I missed when she would pick my outfits for school, and tell me how I looked beautiful. How she would ask if people complimented my hair that day. Now, she also gives me those pitiful eyes. I just want to be good again. I just want someone to hold me like I'm a little kid again. To be gentle with me. To push me higher and higher on the swing set. I don't know where that kid went because he's certainly not me anymore. I wonder, when I lay in my final resting place, will people see that little kid again? Will they love me again?

[tbd99]

Entry: 09

Well, I haven’t posted in a while because I stupidly thought things would change. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to move or breathe anymore. And I don’t want to inconvenience anyone to listen to me wallow in self pity.

I realize that people may understand my pain and the things they do, but that doesn’t mean I should force them to have to bare my existence. If that makes any sense at all.

I hope that all these feelings go away when I’m older. People always talk about how “yeah, I was an angsty teen, and then suddenly, it all went away after I went to college!”

I just wonder if I’ll make it that far, Yk? I don’t see myself having a purpose in like all my other friends. They’re talented and smart. What can I do? Nothing.

I just hope it all gets better like everyone says, because it really isn’t feeling like it. I don’t even know what I can do to make it feel better.

I’m 29 days clean, and it’s the only thing that might make me feel better.

Even though everyday I look at all the scars on my body and feel utterly disgusted, it’s the only thing I can think about to feel good, Yk??

Anyway. I just had to get some thoughts out. Thanks for reading

[tbd99]

Entry: 08

Man. Two entries in one day? Shits getting serious lol

Anyway.. I don’t feel all that well. I’m laying down in my bed still, it’s almost 10pm and by the time I post this it’ll probably be 10.

I feel a lot better from earlier though? I’ve only felt better now that I texted my friend. They make me feel a bit better.

But still, I was thinking, what if I did decide to go through with it tonight?

I thought this same question last time I tried. Like who would care? What haven’t I done that I still wanna do?

Well, I can think of a few people who would care, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world for them. My friends are all just teenagers, they’ll get over it. I can’t possibly be that important to them.

My parents.. I feel like I’d just be doing them a favor. I cost money, I seem to hurt them emotionally without meaning it, and I can’t think of a single reason why I’d be good to keep around. I don’t do anything anyway.

I’ve done all that I needed. I have no goals, so I really am just floating on a rock on space. Wouldn’t it be better to give up some space?

There’s nothing really keeping here besides my cowardly nature.

I wonder what would remain of me here on this earth if I disappeared. Some old YouTube accounts? This tumblr account? Maybe some of my art that got a little popular? I haven’t really.. done anything useful?

My time here on this earth has been utterly pointless and what’s staying here going to do? I doubt change that.

I’m behind in school and I’m not all that smart. It’s not like I’m going to become a doctor. My mother says things like I’m not really smart enough for that kind of stuff. She says my art won’t make for a sustainable living and I get that. I wasn’t really counting on it anyway. So, what do I do? What’s waiting for me if I stay?

I’ve always wanted to be an architect. But she says it’s too hard, not worth it. So I listen to her. But, now I don’t know what I want to be. I’m not smart enough for anything meaningful. I don’t want to keep living this meaningless life.

The past makes me sad, and full of rage. The present fills me with nothing but dread and emptiness. The future, engulfs me with fear.

I don’t want to keep living in this cycle. And I don’t know who can help me get better either. I think the only way I’ll ever get better is if someone can change my entire being and mind. I feel that only then, I’ll be happy.

I just feel bad for my parents. Not know what to do with me. If I was my kid, I would be just as confused. My eyes are always tired, and my mother never fully knows why. I know my sadness rubs off on her, and I don’t want to make her feel like that. So maybe I should just be gone.

My father, I never answer his calls. He’s hurt me a lot, and I don’t want to talk to him. Even when I try to be nice to him, it just feels as if he hates me. I don’t want him to have a child he hates. I want him to look at all his children with love.. and I know he’s ashamed of me.

My sisters, they care for me I guess. But I always get in the way. All their life they’ve had to take time out of their days to take care of me. I don’t want anyone to have to care for me anymore. I don’t want them to worry about me anymore. I feel that this I the only way.

It all makes sense in my mind, so why can’t I do it? Breathing is so exhausting, my mind is always foggy, and my legs are too weak to walk. What’s the point in me being here anymore?

It’s not like I can actually get an answer to that. Even if someone is reading this, there’s little they could do to give me an answer.

I should go, maybe I’ll write again later tonight

[tbd99]

Entry 7

It’s been a few days. I thought about writing every day but I just didn’t have the energy to.

Today, I almost cried when I woke up. Last night I had been praying and just begging to let me sleep forever. When I opened my eyes, there was no moment of clarity. Just pure dread.

I would like to say “I miss when I was a child, and ready to start the day each time I woke up,” but that’s simply not true.

I had been wishing to never wake up from my pillow from as long as I can remember. I have never been happy being alive. People think I’m lying when I say that. Because I look so happy, so full of joy when I speak. But that’s so far from the truth. Everything I do is an act, just so people don’t need to worry. I don’t know who I am anymore because of it.

Each day, that feeling of taking those pills grows stronger, or relapsing.

Sometimes I think, if life really *was* that unbearable, I’d have done the job correctly by now. I remember my last attempt, and truly thinking that I would never open my eyes again. It was the most peace I had ever felt. That I would never have to struggle again and hate myself.

But, I’m still here. It almost worked.

That was my most serious attempt, all my others were just… lousy. I tried to take pain killers and sleeping pills but those only made me feel slightly sick in the morning. I took one bottle of this medication my doctors gave me for heart issues and that didn’t work. Now I have two, and I know for a fact if I take them both, I won’t wake up in the morning.

They sit by me each and every night. But still, I don’t take them. Why? If all I can write about is how tired of life I am then why can’t I just end it? I wouldn’t have to worry anymore, and I’d finally be happy. So why am I still here?

My mother knows something is up with me. She asked me if I was okay and of course I said yes. She said I could talk to her about anything and I said okay. I stopped believe her. I couldn’t talk to her about anything. Everything I ever talk to her about ends poorly. She always judges me, shames me, tries to change who I am, or pokes fun at me. I’ve stopped telling her anything now.

If I ever did go through with it, and it worked, I just hopes she knows it wasn’t her fault. I am unfixable. She just got unlucky having me as a son.

My life has been nothing but a waste and I don’t see that ever changing. I am not smart, not pretty, and not useful. There’s so many things that are wrong with me that the good parts of me don’t even matter.

People tell me I’m funny. But that’s all an act. If people knew how I really was, they’d never like me. I hardly speak or smile when I’m not putting on an act.

It’s so exhausting fronting like that, just so people don’t find you as a pain to be around.

I think my friends also know something is up with me. I got a text saying how they’re all here for me and stuff. That was sweet. But, I can’t stay for them.

I remember going to a psychiatrist to try and get a depression diagnosis. My mother doesn’t believe I’m depressed. She thinks people have put stuff in my head to make me think something’s wrong with me.

The psychiatrist said that maybe I should just go on walks more often, and how I just seem too bright to be depressed. She told me how it’s probably just the teenage hormones making me think this way, and my mother was quick to agree with her.

No one has any idea what goes on in my mind.

No one knows me.

I’ve started to believe that I’m not depressed. I mean hell, what have I been through that constitutes depression? I’ve had such an easy life that it makes no sense for me to be this way.

I don’t need therapy, I’d rather them give to someone who actually needs it. I’ve found a solution to all my problems, I just need to execute it properly.

Anyway, I guess I can’t lay in bed forever. It’s already 4pm. Bye.

[tbd99]

Entry 6

Hello. I deleted entry 5. I shared a bit too much that day. That’s why it’s missing.

Anyhow, I can’t sleep. I’m very tired so ignore any spelling errors.

Im worried I’m getting bad again. This always happens. I don’t wanna go out, all I wanna do is lay around. I’ve been told that’s just what being lazy is but I’ve felt like this all my life. It’s like the fogginess that clouds my brain constantly. I can’t see and I can’t even hear myself think. I go through days as If I am a zombie, and when I finally wake up, I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I was trying to better myself. To take care of myself. My lips are chapped, my skin is dry, and I’m overweight. I’ve been trying to not be overweight my whole life but.. the only thing that worked is when I had a really bad ED. I feel myself starting to creep back into that old habit. Even when I was skinny and taking care of myself, I still hated myself.

I hate looking in mirrors. It’s like my body isn’t even mine. It’s like… I dunno. I suppose I feel like this all the time. Like I’m not really me. Sometimes I’ll live the days as if I’m someone else. Days are wiped from my memories and I don’t know where they go or what I did during those days. I am not me.

Nothing makes me happy. Not even the thought of being good for others. Honestly, I’m thinking about taking those 2 bottles of pills.

I always think this, but I never do it. I’m a pussy, lol.

I think back to my first attempt and I just wished that it worked. I wished I didn’t have to experience all that I have up till now. Not even the good parts. My mind is constantly being reminded of bad memories. It’s like my own brain is suffocating me sometimes and I just want to get out.

I don’t know how I’d ever tell a person that and they’d understand. People just think I’m lying whenever I talk about what’s going on with me.

I wish I was lying. I wish I was lying about that whole evening I spent alone with you in your room. I wish I was lying about the constant bullying. I wish I was lying about the self hatred I feel for myself. I wish I was lying about the amount of times I tried to take my own life, and you never knew.

My mother hasn’t been looking good these past few days. She’s been tired, staying up late, and just watching TV all day. The same things I do. My mom talks about how her life wasn’t supposed to go this way and how she was destined for so much more than this.

So I wonder, what will I do when I become her age? Will I have those thoughts too? If so, what’s the point? What’s the point in living if only to be tortured by the things you could’ve done? Wouldn’t it be best to be able to let go now?

I haven’t had a single day of rest in 7 years. My mind has been filled with these suffocating thoughts that I just can’t escape. Every waking hour I’m tormented by my own mind, which sounds so odd to say. I just want everything to stop. For it all to go quiet. Just how it does when I sleep. Why can’t I sleep forever?

[tbd99]

Entry 4

Yeah, my sleep schedule is totally fucked.

I have so many thoughts running through my brain, it’s hard to just make everything stop so I can get some sleep.

I’m thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time, so I guess I’ll just write out what I feel as I feel it.

I think my friends are worried I’m getting bad again.

I told one friend something and now people who I haven’t even talked to in like… months are reaching out.

I get overwhelmed when this happens. I’m a bad responder when it comes to texts because I get so overwhelmed. I only text people I feel I don’t have to be stressed out when I do.

And I don’t want people to worry about me. It doesn’t matter if I’m happy or sad, people should just let me be.

I was thinking about the way I talk. Like, that “cringe emo kid” phase every teen goes through. I’ve been feeling and talking like this ever since I was 7 years old, I don’t remember a time when I was happy. I’ve always felt like a hollowed out shell.

I wonder if someday this will all go away and I’ll somehow convert into this happy person, but that’s not seeming to likely for me.

I know this was a short entry but I may as well get some sleep. I keep having these thoughts about grabbing those pills again but… I dunno. It doesn’t seem like I go through with it tonight so there’s nothing to worry about there.

I’ll be going to sleep now,

Goodnight

[tbd99]

Entry 3

My last entry was 14 hours ago but I don’t care. I’m not sure how I always find so much to say lol.

Today, I’ve decided to sit in bed all day. I’m not gonna go on a walk, not gonna do the dishes or clean anything, not gonna do school work, not… do anything I guess.

Last night, I got really close to relapsing. Honestly, I’m not even trying to stay clean. Well, I am, but it’s just that I know it won’t last forever. Yk?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t make any sense.

I’m not gonna do anything because yesterday I almost went through with taking those two bottles of pills I’d be saving.

I’ve failed attempts with those pills before but it’s just because I didn’t take enough. This time, I know that if I take them it’ll be over.

And sometimes, I wonder what’s stopping me. If I hate living so much, why don’t I just take them? Why am I such a pussy??

There’s not anything for me to look forward to. I’m not good looking, I’m not academically smart, I’m not even funny. What’s in store for my future? What do I even have worth living for??

I would’ve taken those pills, but as they were in my hand, I get a message from my friend who I hadn’t talked to in like a week at 1 in the fucking morning. I mean, who’s even up a that time??

We talked for around an hour, and I ended up just.. going to sleep after. I put the pills back in their usual spot and fell right into my bed.

Thanks L

I slept extra long today. Normally I try sticking to a schedule but, I just needed to sleep as long as possible today.

My sister may come over today and as much as I love her, I hope she doesn’t. I haven’t showered in a while and honestly I don’t even have enough energy to try.

I’m going to go lay down again.

[tbd99]

Entry 2 - edited

(Deleted paragraph)

Lately, I’ve just been feeling awful about myself. Like I don’t deserve anything.

I went over to my fathers house today. I had just recently got a piercing and he looked at me like I was disgusting. He always gives me that same look. Like I’m the most awful thing he’s ever looked at. I wonder if he dreams of never having to hear my voice again.

Why does everyone always look at me that way? I don’t understand. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. If someone just told me I’d fix it. I just want my mother and father to love me they same way other parents do.

I just feel unlovable all the time. I’ve stopped working out because I just wonder what’s the point? No one would love someone like me anyway. No matter how I looked.

I’m sure if I didn’t look so ugly I’d get treated better, but even then I’m still not so sure. I just feel like I’m not worthy of anything. That my whole life lacks purpose.

I think about God a lot. I grew up in a very religious household, but I’m not very religious. I’m gay and transgender. Or well, Bisexual. I just have to say I’m gay otherwise people will think I’m just straight. Being gay brought up a lot of problems in my life. Especially with my family.

Although, when I came out as trans last December, no one has looked at me the same again.

I stopped leaving the house, because I hate people looking at me. All their eyes are filled with that same sort of disgust everyone looks at me with.

I’ve tried to be a girl. I really have. It’s just gotten to a point where I hate it too much.

I shower with a shirt and boxers on, bandage my chest, and I’ve been begging my mother to let me cut my hair but she won’t allow it.

Everyone sees me as a girl. And I don’t want to go outside where I’m see as that. I’ve stopped trying to pass as a dude because no matter how hard I try it never works.

You can tell me all the insensitive jokes you want. How I’ll never be a real boy. How I am what’s in my pants. Anything you say I think to myself at least 10 times a day.

Being trans is also a reason I just feel unlovable. Like I don’t deserve anything. Why would I expect anyone to care and love me if I can’t even love myself? God it’s so pathetic really.

I just wish if God made me so fucked up intentionally he could’ve at least given me a purpose. I’m just here. Everyday passes by and I barely move an inch. I forget the days I had, and I get lost in time. There is no reason for me to be here. I feel as though I should just be erased.

But if I do come back in another life, please God. Just give me a purpose.

[tbd99]

Entry 01

Hello. My name is TBD. Obviously that’s not my real name but no one needs to know it.

I’ve always written in a diary, right before I go to sleep, and I let my thoughts run wild. Lately though, I haven’t even had the energy to pick up a pencil. So my thoughts have just been festering in my mind.

So, I’m making this blog. Or well diary.

I’ve been feeling quite lonely as of late so maybe this’ll give me some purpose. Although, I feel like I’ll stop in give or take 2 weeks. Lol.

I suppose this is my introduction. I could give a little more information.

I’m 14, love my dogs, and I make art. Sometimes. I’m not very good, it’s my main passion though. There’s not much that’s special about me. Or much that separates me from the average person. I’m pretty bland. And that’s okay I guess.

I suppose this will be my first entry.