tdotsspot

[tdotsspot]

2020.....

Wow, it’s been almost TWO years since I've posted anything on here. I’ve thought about it from time to time, but never sat to actually say anything. I just looked at my last two posts....so funny. This is why I'll probably always keep this....just to look back, see where I was, who I was.

But back to 2020 bc HONESTLY this year is the one to go. down. in the mother. fucking. books. 

2019 was literally the best year of my life. It was the year I did the most traveling, the year I made the most money...it was like, perfect until the end. I went to Puerto Rico and St Thomas....Atlanta, Boston of course, MARTHA’S VINEYARD FINALLY and even though I've been there 100 times, this was the absolute best. Of course having Dameo was a plus, getting to show him my childhood summers, but Unc let me use the Mercedes which I legit fell in love with, we met Danny Glover which was crazy, I got the brass ring on my first try lol, and we had a lot of good food. LA, was amazing, I miss it so much....NY.....I feel like I’m missing a city, oh yes, dc! That was a fun drunk night.

Late November for Britt’s bday we all went out and that was the first time I was ever real life drunk around his fam, but it was so much fun. The next week....nana passed. It was sad, weird....I hadn’t lost someone in a really long time, and I was there to see some of her last lucid moments. We definitely got closer over the last two years or so since I visited her a good amount, and it made me more sad than I thought. I’m glad I got to have those moments with her, it was cool to get a grandmother again. Made me miss nanny a lot though...

A few weeks later, we found out I was pregnant! It was planned, we were excited although tbh I was kind of freaking out. A baby??? Like a whole ass human? No more weed, liquor, or runny eggs??? HOW SWAY! I don’t think I was ready yet, and a few weeks after that, RIGHT before Christmas, RIGHT before we were going to tell the family, I had a miscarriage. Goodness, I really wasn’t ready for that, at all. Obviously it’s common, but I never thought I’d have one....I was healthy, in a healthy relationship....happy....how the hell did this happen? Unfortunately we already told our moms at that time, partially to help cheer ang, and I knew my mom would be hype as well. I knew it was early, but I told some close friends as well. The pain I felt from that, I just didn't really expect. It was, really sad....I delayed our trip to Boston twice because I really just couldn’t bring myself to leave the bed and sit on a train for 6 hours. I almost canceled altogether but KNOWING NOW THAT THE FUCKING WORLD WAS GOING TO SHUT DOWN, I'm really glad we still went. It was reassuring to get my hugs from my mom, cry it out with her, and see the fam. Except Kendall was such a douche that visit *rolls eyes*. I did get to go see the friends pop up which LEGIT made my whole holiday. As such a huge fan, it was AMAZING, simply, amazing, and I got to enjoy it with my two older cousins and of course, the Dame. 

So that brings us to the new year of 2020. 2020 the year I think EVERYONE thought was going to be amazing, and maybe it will be. Maybe everything that’s going on albeit sad, overwhelming, insane....is in fact the year we all really needed. The Amazon was on fire, forever and as someone who truly cares about global warming that was super stressful. We almost had WWIII thanks to good old Trump, but boy oh boy....that was just the tip of the iceberg. A few weeks later AGAIN, I call my dr telling them I still haven’t gotten my period, my boobs hurt, and wtf is going on? She tells me to take another pregnancy test, which I thought was a joke because I JUST had a miscarriage weeks before, and yes we had sex, but we were ‘careful’. COME TO FIND OUT, my ass is pregnant again. I was, very confused...a little upset because I was planning on waiting a bit before trying for real again. I mean we just dealt with so much loss between nana and the miscarriage, I hadn’t even fully processed what my body just went through. I remember angrily buying the test because, those shits aren’t cheap.....peeing with the door open with Dame downstairs, (not at ALL romantic like the first time I told him) and looking down like....wait. “WHAT THE FUCK” about 3 times was said, I explained to dame this indeed does say I’m pregnant, but how?? 

30 minutes later, the world finds out Kobe Bryant died. There were a lot of emotions that day for sure. Even though I wasn’t a die hard Kobe fan or anything, for some reason this one really made me sad. Maybe because I was currently listening to a book his personal coach wrote; relentless....which is REALLY fucking good.

A week later, I'm confirmed via bloodwork that I am indeed pregnant and it’s time for take two! I didn't get excited until I passed my first trimester, just in case...but now at almost 26 weeks, I’m really excited to meet her. My babygirl! It’s still wild to know I’m about to be a mom, but I’m really pumped for both of us and I know we’ll make great parents. 

Ah yes, the mid march, covid 19 hits America. I was supposed to go on a three city tour to the west coast which I was very much looking forward to, before the world stopped. In fact, it was that very weekend, right after we had our ultrasound, the first and only visit Dame was allowed to come in, that everything stopped. A week or so later, a mid level of depression kicked in for me, which lasted about a month. I couldn’t believe that after WEEKS of puking and being dead ass tired, I was finally ready to work again, but I was Essentially unemployed. The west coast gig was a cute check, I had multiple events coming up that got canceled....weddings that got postponed, and all I could think about was I’m about to have a kid with no money. I went almost two entire months without making ANY money....luckily unemployment kicked in and I got a couple of grants I applied for because I really don’t know what I would’ve done. My mom of course was in my corner, and Dame would start working from home, but still fully employed so at least we wouldn’t be homeless. I knew there were hundreds of thousands of people in my boat, if not worse but I couldn’t help but be consumed with not making any money, and my 2020 year essentially being wiped out. 

Again, this was supposed to be MY year. Be a parent, make a lot of money, and I felt like I just fell flat on my face, in mud, and was suffocating. 

America’s approach to covid was trash, more and more people died...I was worried about my mom and aunts as they're older and more susceptible. This is the longest I've gone without seeing my mom, but thanks to technology! We literally FaceTime every day. 

I almost forgot! Red literally almost died. He got attacked by a pit that lives up the street and it was one of the scariest things I ever dealt with. We just came back from a cute little drive, it was absolutely beautiful out, and I just remember parking, letting him out for a walk, looking at a dog running but I couldn’t tell if it was on a leash or not. I then realized nope, this bitch is not on a leash, crossing the street, and watching it whip its head at me and red and sprinting across the street to attack him. I was absolutely terrified. My baby red, is literally getting mangled by a fucking pit by the neck. I’m also pregnant and scared the pit is going to attack me, that my stress is going to cause another miscarriage, and that I’m probably going to watch red die in front of my eyes. I completely blacked out on the woman who was sloppily running to get her dog off of him. Had it been a minute more, max, he would’ve been dead. I still picture it sometimes and it legit makes me so sad, but luckily he pulled through after about a week of healing, and a huge bloody abscess that needed to be drained. 

THEN about a month ago now, George Floyd was killed on tape by a cop and it changed the world. Between Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Abery dying and being cooped up for months in the house, major cities went up in flames, literally. It was a revolution that Is still happening which has caused corporate America to shove ‘black lives matter’ down our throats like black people just popped up, shown privileged ass white people who refuse to try and understand, racist fucks that just hate us so much....and the list goes on.

That’s been our year so far! and it about to get shut down again because because aren't taking covid seriously. 

Pregnancy has been really interesting though....not at all like what they show on tv and the movies. I’ve been emotional as hell crying over my body  changing....constipated af to the point where I now celebrate any time I shit, hella uncomfortable....but I know when we see her face it will indeed all be worth it. Doing this back to back though like Dame envisions....I don’t know man lol. We shall see. She's due in about 3.5 months. Check in before then....

Tdot, out. 

[tdotsspot]

IT’S A NEW YEAR B*TCHES

I seriously don’t think I’ve EVER been this damn happy to start a new year. Actually, I haven’t. I’ve NEVER been this happy to close a year out. To reflect on everything that happened, and while 2017 wasn’t like, THE most horrible year of my life personally or even really that much but, it was a CRAZY year all around. 

I’m sure I’ll forget a lot but just off the top of my head:

Trumps bitch ass. I’m still here like, maybe that was a dream, right? Everything that’s come with Trump. The lies, the embarrassment of this country, this ridiculous ass tax break that crushes the middle class, and happy makes the extra extra rich, even richer. There’s literally at least 10 breaking news stories everyday with his ass, so just watch CNN and figure out how fucking stupid he’s making America. However, a plus would be that it’s the most informed in politics I’ve ever been in my entire life, and it’s brought me out to vote other than the presidential 

The inexplicable amount of racism, sexism, hatred. Club Pulse.....so sad. The airport shooting, wtf. Some of that footage still freaks me out. Can you even imagine???? Going out for a fun night with your friends. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU GONE PARTYING WITH YOUR FRIENDS without a SINGLE worry other than a hangover. And your lovers, friends, family......dead. Traveling. Jesus. Dame and I travel all the time. I can’t even imagine trying to find my luggage and seeing people falling beside me over some bullshit. It’s heartbreaking. Freakin Vegas, damn I almost forgot about that. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW THE HELL DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN. I’ve personally been to Vegas three four times. I’ve passed that area many times and like....wtf. 

And of course.....there’s the probably 74 life lessons I learned in 2017. Here are some of my favorites!!!!

*Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t. AKA you cannot please everyone, you really can’t. Even the people you WANT to please, you can only partially please. So basically, do what you feel is best.

ALSO I NEED TO FOLLOW UP ON MY ONE DAMN NEW YEAR FOCUS, DISCIPLINE. I started this post on the 30th, its the 4th lmao. 

But i just got off the phone with my friend and just talked to my HUSBAND, since you know, I got married this year and it was super fuckin fly. And said FUCK ALL THIS PRETTY SEAN CARTER SHIT NIGGA HOV.

Listen to me when i say “bam” literally LITERALLY speaks to my soul. ‘just set your price and live your life my nigga!’ for real. RESPECT YOURSELF. I realized how I’m now learning I’ve played myself for pennies before. How I’ve let people take advantage bc I’m not a total bitch. But I’ve also realized being a female in my work work, hell is ANY work world, if you don’t HOLD YOUR OWN people will try you. 

NOT THIS YEAR MY FRIENDS. Idgaf WHO you are to me, I'm not with the shits. If that means I lose some ‘friends’ I’m actually totally ok with that. I’ve also realized shit, I barely like anyone anyways, so let me tighten my circle, or really, tighten how I spend my time. I have people in my life for 100 different reasons, and I never want to actually burn bridges, but at the same time.....if youre not on the same wave as I....well carry on.

I don’t want to hear about your excuses as to why your life sucks, why your sig other sucks, why your job sucks....if your not bothering to REALLY do shit. (as I stop my edits to finish this post) but thats ok.

Oh yeah, back to what I learned.

I learned also that I get WAY too friendly and trusting with people before getting to know them. WAY too damn trusting. And that’s my fault. No one really gives a damn about you, even those who say they do. I mean, they MIGHT but at the end of the day, it’s YOUR life, and when you think about that.......

I learned that weddings are stressful AF and even though the end result was BOMB, i still think I would’ve been ok eloping in vegas and having a wild story to share. Nonetheless, what I really learned during that process, is who actually has your back. Who’s phony, who’s fake. People I was cool AF with FUCKED me over, people I had really low expectations surprised me. 

I learned that a fake christmas tree is actually winning. 

I also learned that I really want to move out of Philly. PHILLY you’re doing WAY too much these last 2-4 years and its really pissing me off now. Also, that this city is RUDE AF for no damn reason and mean and petty.com.

I learned I have to do better at letting go, and part of that is not taking the responsibility of other peoples BULL SHIT. When you know that someone is just on their BS and throw some shit towards you, no matter HOW fucking corny, let it go like frozen. Half the time people can’t deal with their own truths, and they’d rather just make someone else miserable. Know your audience, and big them farewell if need be.

I’ve also learned that people are jealous of me. And it really makes me laugh. People swear my life is easy breezy cover girl because I work from home and for myself. ummmmm so the fk what???? lol I swear people think I sit on my ass all day “oh IM sorry I have work today” “ummm ok? so do i bih” But I’ve really REALLY realized that people just don't get it. It makes me laugh. And just FYI just because I have control over my time, doesn’t mean I have free time. I allocate it as I see fit, because I fucking can. Because I took a crazy leap of faith and said fuck working and being dead inside. And because I believe in myself and luckily the two people I love the most believe in me too.

I learned that OH ha. I learned when traveling to a third world country........research more. I’ll just leave it there. Cuba was still dope but like.....wow. I still don’t look at certain chicken meals without wanting to throw up.

Idk mannn, just set your price and live your life.

Don’t deal with the shits this year.

Tdot, out.  

[tdotsspot]

Take 2

Ok, because it’s me, my original post didn’t save. I refuse to let this day go by however, without writing. I miss my blog actually, considering moving to an actual journal....but even trying to recover my draft from earlier I saw a few older posts and laughed. Mainly because I still remember those feelings, what happened etc....crazy.

ANYWHO.

I’m 29. My final year of my 20′s! Not quite sure where all of the time went but....looking back it’s been quite a journey. I can honestly say each year of my life for the past 5 years or so have overall improved and for that I’m proud, happy, and grateful. I’m getting married in just about two months :) Although this wedding planning process has been oh so trying at times, I do see the end of the tunnel and it looks so so fly! 

This past year, a lot has happened. Jay z apologized to Beyonce, Trump is actually in office...as the POTUS! We moved into a beautiful new home, Red still is a baby but has grown leaps and bounds in independence and attitude. He’s very rude and stubborn, but still so sweet and loving and still makes my heart smile. *sigh* he just came downstairs to find me....

I’m. Getting. Married. I’m so happy and full about that. I feel I can super truly honestly say that he’s the one for me. He’s my rock, also stubborn at times, but such a beautifully grounded person.

I officially lost one of the closest friendships I’ve had, and was so miserable about it. It taught me a lot, and I really am done being mad now, it’s too much and it’s really not worth holding on the pain. 

I think I’ve realized honestly come to terms with the fact that some things are just what they are. Some people are just who they and will do what they do. 

I’ve had very trying times with my business. I’ve had confusing lines of friends and business that have been made more clear. 

I’ve learned, really, to not put expectations on people, or at least try your best not to. I feel like my, I don’t know. energy shifted some. Probably sounds crazy, but I’m really trying to adjust the way I do things; react to things.

Like my road rage. Honestly, how fucking stupid would it be if an accident happened because I got pissed someone was driving super slow. Not to mention that people are crazy. 

The amount of acquittals for cops....absolutely heartbreaking and terrifying. 

I don’t know...I just feel like I’m looking at things from a different perspective, maybe more honest, and just want to learn from this past year, and improve. 

I’ve been working out a lot more. I’m going to cuba, NEXT MONTH. These last like 5 months have been soooo slammed though. Exhausting. All great things, shoots, family events, wedding events etc, but egggsssshooooosssstttiiiiiiingggg. Ok. 

My dad came to visit. That was...really colorful. It wasn’t what I expected, and was disappointed. Not to mention again....setting expectations. No bueno. Shooting the wedding with him was cool but....his expectations weren’t realistic in my opinion, and it really bothered me, the entire experience far too long. 

Another realization of myself, noticing how long I dwell on things, and it’s not ok. It’s not healthy. And it needs to change. The end.

Currently obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. ‘Things don’t just happen to you, you happen to things.’ Dr. Bailey. And I agree. Everyone thinks I just happened to get lucky with Dame. Ummmm no.

no.

I completely changed how I dated when Dame and I were getting to know each other. I had to be real with myself... Self ‘I know your’e a great person....so what the hell are YOU doing wrong here’ After being honest and really thinking, I decided to take another approach and 4 years later here we are getting ready to marry.

How I think about things, needs to change. My energy allotted to drama and bullshit conversations, needs to change. 

I’m ‘reclaiming my time’ as aunty Maxine said.

Thrilled for this new year.

T

[tdotsspot]

1 year later....

I’m actually kind of glad I waited to post about this. I started a huge dramatic post when it actually occurred, but then it ended up taking a sharp turn from my happiness to some drama I was having so I stopped.

I say all of this to say THE TIME HAS COME. Take a deep breath, there’s a music video and everything *laughs*, but kinda, we did make one.

Ok so back to the topic at hand. Last year today, my MANNNNNN my BAEEE my future baby daddy, got down on one knee and asked me to officially become a part of his family. I don’t even know what he said *crying face*. It was like the time stopped for a second, and I went deaf kind of haha. I remember my heart freaking pounding, my hands shaking, and just a lot of confusion. Wait, why are we alllll going around giving toasts??? This is kind of extra. Wait. Why is DAME of all people stuttering over his words?? What am I going to eat? Wait, he’s standing up.....Ricky??? Wth is he doing here recording?? What the heck is going on????!!! YOOOOO IS HE REALLY ABOUT TO PROPOSE!!!! hence, why I legit barely heard anything Dame said, I was really trying to piece it all together. And then he dropped to his knee, said some more words, and opened up the sun, basically. UGHHHHHH THE RING WAS FLIPPIN PERFECT! Like.......ok LETS BE HONEST. Clearly the ring doesn’t represent the relationship etc, it’s an object, etc etc etc HOWEVER I’ll keep it real, I was PRAAAAAAAAYING I’d love it. But ughhhhh!!!!! My heart like legit swole up, and my eyes were blinded, and it just.....felt great. Felt great all of my reactions were legit, I loved it, love him 100x over and our parents are here!! Like, he made sure my momma was involved, and considering she and my step dad live in Boston, it was perfection. 

All of us were dressed to the nine, my mom kept her mouth shut, even though she ALMOST showed too much face, nails done, hair done, everything done. It was perfect.

1 year later..... I woke up this morning from a text from his mom showing us pictures from the engagement and I just got so happy. My favorite part of my day, as corny as this is going to sound, is waking up just a few moments before Dame, and cuddle. Did you throw up? It’s ok, because I really don’t care. I love feeling him breathing, and just taking a few minutes to just lay. So I did that this morning, told him his mom texted us about the engagement, and he kissed my ring and said it was the best decision of his life. I mean, clearly :)

I’m so so SO pumped. Between us moving to literally the most perfect place for us, found by Dame and his relentless and diligent searching to our wedding that’s going to be LIT! The pieces are like really starting to come together now, and it’s awesome. 

Ironically enough, we went to NYC last weekend, and my current potential avenue is short films for trips. Last night, for THREE hours almost we edited the video, and well.......here’s to one year from one of the best moments of my life, love you dameo.

[tdotsspot]

Wait a minute, hold up.

BIG MOMMA IS ENGAGED. I was recently discussing how I haven’t posted on here in a while, and the last time, after reading, I clearly hated the world, so sorry about that. It’s rarely ever that deep, honestly most shit that stresses people out, or causes a rift in a relationship isn’t that deep. I was just having a moment lol.

Anyways. I was like clearly...I need to write about my engagement because let’s be real, prior to my dameo, this wasn’t really something I saw in my horizons. A mother, albeit a baby mother, but a mother nonetheless, but MARRIAGE??? In THIS day and age? nope didn’t really see it coming. MAINLY because, who the hell is happily married? Divorce rate for as long as I’ve heard is 50% so now it’s probably closer to 70%. Really encouraging right? My mom and dad divorced when I was younger, other marriages I’ve seen EXCEPT my cousin are all a joke and just a time investment at this point more than anything else.....plus I got bored of all of my guys fairly quickly so like......MARRIAGE? never really saw it coming.

That’s how it goes though right? The best comes when you least except it, and here we are. The most beautiful engagement thought process, the most gorgeous ring #sorrynotsorry and my man. I must admit, when Dame puts his brain to something, it usually results in something epic and I couldn’t have thought of a more perfect way. “Did you know?” sorrrrrrrrt of but seriously not until the very end when I started to think about stuff. Ok we are going to the Mushulu, thats a nice restaurant. He’s talking about getting a filet mignon which was DUMB expensive, my parents ARE here......but I notice he has no ring on his body, so let me get this out of my head before I get disappointed and jump off of the boat from embarrassment and just.....played haha. So then I stopped thinking about it. “LETS GET DRUNK AND EAT GREAT!” That was where my brain switched, UNTIL we got there and he said this is kind of where we began babe! Almost three years ago! 

OK wait....IS he gonna effing ask me to MARRY HIM!??!!?!???!?! still no ring box etc so STOP TALYA. Then my mom and chris came and met us and looked DAMN fine. Then I thought if he DOES mother.....you look quite fancy don’t steal my shine haha. His mom and step dad looked great, he was pressed to get this package two days before for a blazer for the night.....but it WAS still nice just to see the two sides of the families together, celebrate his new job, my moms birthday. Screw it. We are just celebrating life.

Then...the toasts came. *momma ang* “lets all go around the table and do toasts! I got champagne for your mom and bears new job”.....*me* “why there’s SIX of us haha* as my greedy stomach grumbled with hunger. I really just wanted to eat my crab cake and get drunk whoops. 

Then he stood up. *side eye....whats going on* He started stuttering which like NEVER happens mr. gift of gab. Then he looked at me with THE most serious face ever hahahaaaaa like so serious I didn’t know why. “I want to make you a part of the family officially” *insert wide eyes* *heart racing* *holy poo he’s actually doing this??????? omg he’s on one knee* I honestly don’t know what he said after that because of course I was freaking out and crying, and thennnnnn aside from all the other perfect gushiness, he reveled the a box that just carried a small piece of the sun because I was blinded.

Now I already know *oh you just hype cuz you got a nice ring* I mean. eff yeah i am haha duh! #sorrynotsorry HOWEVER, it’s a few reasons why I am. 1) I don’t care how non materialistic you are every woman dreams that if their dream man proposes, a dream ring comes along with it. We had looked not too long ago, and what we were looking was notttttttttttttTTTTTTT this haha. I honestly couldn’t believe it, and in the video, I actually gasped. It’s really hard to surprise me and have it be something I’d actually want, and this RING IS FREAKING PERFECT.  I still catch myself just staring. Is this mine!?!?!?!? haha 

2) Then the reality of what it means settled in. OMG IM GETTING MARRIED!!! like, WHAT! And I love AND like him? I actually see a fruitful and long marriage? I love his family.....my fam loves him. Wow. I’m blessed. 

[tdotsspot]

Well, this definitely gives me more space to type so...here we goooooo

Ok I woke up randomly at like quarter to 7, initially mad because it’s Sunday and I was up late, but something just said get up. As I got ready to walk my psycho puppy son (whom I love so deeply btw) I noticed the date. Today is ONE  year and ONE week since I walked away from my job. Now, I knew when my anniversary was coming up, but I thought, let me wait til year 5 before I reflect, but the last few days I thought, why?!?! First of all, tomorrow isn’t promised ESPECIALLY with all of the craziness that’s been going on and will more than likely continue and even get worst, besides, I kinda proud of myself! 

This is my third year shooting and getting paid for it, which I never thought was going to be my ‘life calling’ if you wanna go that far. I still feel I’ll have my second career in real estate, but right now I click and shoot. Anyways, I’ll still never forget when my coworker asked me how much for headshots. He was the FIRST person who EVER even SUGGESTED to pay me. IIIIII hadn’t even thought that far yet, so I was feeling all types of warm and fuzzies when he asked. It ignited a fuel that’s just continued to get stronger.

Anyways, the MAIN reason why I chose to write this, is because at my last shoot this past week I realized I set up the lights by myself, actually knew what I was doing, and it worked. I thought, when I first stepped foot in Ricky’s studio I barely knew how to use the most simple of lighting. Like SIMPLE. One light with an umbrella and another for the back drop simple. Still didn’t understand boo about ANYthing with lights simple. It worked for the time, people still paid, but I knew the photos were just mediocre at best.

I knew I had the eye, and passion and drive, but I did need some help. That’s when my bff ricky reached out to me and the rest is history....but not really. I really want people to realize how freakin important networking is! Like, seriously. I met Rick through my friends boyfriend, because I did a free shoot for them while building my portfolio. He easily said, ‘yo! you should hit up my boy ricky. he takes really dope pictures.’ Me being me said OK found him on IG and a couple of weeks later I was watching a photo shoot of his. We talked sparingly over the next few months and then when he got his studio and was starting to put a team together he reached out to me. I wasn’t even supposed to be able to join the studio because I was already a part of one, and we had JUST renewed the lease, which my name was a part of. Well, I found out my signature was forged on the new lease, and with that, I was out and started at MQfactory. 

Literally any shoot I begged one of the more comfortable photographers to help me either set the lights up, or correct my settings on the camera, BLOWING up peoples phones because I would freak out about any and everything, and while I’m still learning the tips and tricks to lighting, I can do most of my lighting myself. When I FIRST FIRST started learning about photography, I was told “all you really need to get is lighting, and that’s the trick. It’s not easy, but once you get it, you got it.” Much easier said than done let me tell you.

I continue my brain spill to thank those who doubted me, who asked “are you really quitting to take pictures?”, who said “you better know what you’re doing for what you're charging!” and most importantly those who EVER supported me in ANY way possible. While monies are always the strongest form lol, some of my friends are cheap, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t heard the encouraging words, or didn’t appreciate the connect for someone who WOULD pay. 

I’ve also only had two or three documented break downs which I feel is acceptable because it. is. REAL. ok?!?!? Like LITERALLY spending my last dollars and not knowing for sure when I’ll get money again, to being RICH BITCH. That doesn’t usually last that long, but the feeling remains and reminds me this CAN be done. It can. I have luckily an awesome man who still encourages and respects what I do. Does he fully get it? I don’t think so honestly, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t go paycheck to paycheck forever, but he knows my breakthrough is around the corner. The fact he stood by me when I quit and said ‘yes, you can do this Talya...but you need to just do it and go hard...’ meant a lot. When I need the tough love or the encouraging love, he has it. When I need to cry my mom has my back lol. They always keep it super real, tears or not, which is really important for where I’m at and I truly don’t know where my mindset would be sometimes without them.

I’ll wrap it up with saying YOU are your own creator. YOU determine your destiny, and most importantly YOU determine your outcome of your situation. Eff anyone who tells you different, but just for your own sake, make sure its an attainable goal. I’m not saying go try and be a lion or something because you like lions....but if you think you have a talent that could potentially be your career do it. Be smart about it, but do it. Believe in yourself, have some faith, and jump.

Tdot, out.

[tdotsspot]

Stressed.com

But that’s ok. Because at the end of the day, I am 27. While I feel like I’m not where I thought I’d be....let’s be real....at 18 this was OLD as hell to us. I remember my cousin getting into her 20′s and thinking, damn she’s getting old. But I’m not. I’m blessed to have a strong support system which without them, I probably wouldn’t have be as gun ho to pursue my passion. I can’t see myself at a 9-5 I REALLY can’t. I never could. 

I know a lot of my ‘friends’ and I use this term loosely because.....it’s loose haha, just don’t get it. We all went to the same school, and all but me really did the corporate thing. I never even tried. I never wanted to, because I know I’d hate it. I hate math, and I suck at it.....so there goes all of the high paying jobs. I actually almost flunked out of college when attempting to switch my major to accounting. Shit, that’s where the money is so let me try. 

I’ve also always wanted an uber comfortable life. That’s what I grew up around, that’s what I thought was right. Big house, multiple cars, a pool, trips around the world....that’s normal, right? Apparently, not as easy as everyone made it seem. But anyways, that’s why I tried accounting. I should’ve paid more attention then that life was telling me it’s not always about the money.

People think just because I don’t HAVE to be somewhere at a certain time and place, I’m not working and it’s really fucking annoying. “Yeah I have to get ready for work. *side eye* Well, YOU don’t” Bitch. What do you mean. I have bills too, I have responsibility too, so actually I do. Which is why I used that term friends loosely. If you can’t respect me and my lifestyle then, bye. I’m over it. Over pretending to give a damn about shit I really could care less and over people not respecting what I’m doing. They say the true test to see who your friends are is have a baby. Well, how about your own business. I can count on LESS than one hand my ‘friends’ who have supported me. 

See, I’m digressing to really just say I want and need new friends. Hahaha, but I do. I don’t think there’s anything wrong outgrowing people or going down separate paths and not talking as much. You know why?? Because that’s fucking life. Drake said no new friends.....but his ass has new friends. You were kicking it with weezy right? Were you guys cool in high school? Highly doubt it. 

At the end of the day, even though the struggle is REAL as FUCK sometimes. I wouldn’t be doing anything else. I know I have skills, call it cocky or not but I know I do. And fuck it, sometimes you need to be prideful in your stuff, or who else will take you seriously? Any time I want to slip peacefully into a coma because the pressures are getting to me, I have to realize how many successful people HAVE made it when all odds were against them, and my faith in God and myself I can’t just quit. Any time some odd job presents itself with a decent dollar sign I think eff it I’ll just do this on the side, but it takes away from everything I want to do. 

Time is precious, something else people don’t understand. Respect it and accept it, or keep it moving. 

My head hurts from even writing this but it’s all good. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it will pay off. If not, my linked in profile is....

lol kidding.

Tdot, out. 

[tdotsspot]

Relationships, friend? or foe?

Ok, 27% on my computer, my stomach is literally rumbling but alas, my urge to post this has taken over. “Hello from the other side” quoted from Adele because her last single was probably the last time I wrote on here. Kidding and originally I just quoted her as a joke, but it kind of ties into this to.

Ok, how did this post start? Ah yes, social media. The dumbest and most fascinating thing that exists. I saw someone ask if it’s ok to juggle people when dating, and how important are titles really? I then also saw a ‘strong black woman’ go on AGAIN about how she doesn’t want a man in ridiculous lengths. ALSO I’ve been watching sex and the city non stop for like 4 months now. No I’m not insane, it’s my background music for when I'm working from HOME haters. Sip on that! Kidding, ok let me focus. 

Here are a few things to know if you don’t already. I’m 27. I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 years, I have a lot of single friends, I have a  lot of jaded friends. And when I say ‘friends’ it can go as far as someone I’m REALLY close with, to people I know enough about to their lives to know their opinions but not be so involved that I care to have multiple conversations about their love lives. 

What I HAVE learned, are there are a LOT of losers out there. Not only guys, although being a girl, I have a  lot of girlfriends who I hear these stories from, but I know directly or not single guys that have to deal with a lot of shit to. What I’ve also learned is people want love way more than they claim or pretend. Why is that? Why do people want to be in a relationship one day, and single the next? I’ve literally heard “ok yeah I know now I want someone who wants me” to “I don’t want to have to worry about how they feel! I’m not REALLY doing anything, but I want to do what I want to do!” It doesn’t quite work out that way.

Now no, I’m no better than the next chick, well actually, you know what??? MAYBE I AM! I saw someone talk about how they were accused of being too good for a number of things (a person, a job, certain people) and she said yes damn it, I AM too good for certain things. Isn’t that how you should look at life? If everyone thought everyone was on the same level, then why aren’t we? We literally aren’t. Whether it’s a different tax bracket, a pay check, a car, a relationship...some DO have it better than others. 

BUT bitter betty, did you ever take the time to ask the person you’re envious of, how they managed this life you claim you want?? HOW SWAY! I saw someone else post a really important message recently. Sure, it kind of sucks knowing your’e not where you thought you’d be, but why not? How about you ask your boy about his work out regimen instead of making fun of him eating healthy because you low key want his abs. How about you ask your girlfriend who travels to all these awesome places but has two kids HOW she can do that, while you're single and busting your ass, but only going to local bars? Anything ANY human has achieved, you can too. You can! But do you REALLY want it? Now, let me tap into my relationship really quick and my past dating situations. I freaking LOVE my relationship and I’m very proud of it. Why? Because we TALK to each other, we LEARN from each other, we SUPPORT one another, and we LAUGH, a lot, and most important I truly feel we LOVE and RESPECT one another. Now if a year goes by, and some nutty shit popped off and we don’t work out, know that right now October 29th 2015 I 100% mean everything I just wrote. So how did we get together? Friends that have known me for a while, like years, know my past. I’ve done some crazy black girl things, I’ve ‘done me’ which resulted in nothing but gray area and headaches all while trying to have my cake and eat it too, to calling the cops. All of this is real life, two separate relationships, both tumultuous and painful, and both amazing life lessons. I’ve LEARNED. That’s the key to anything. You need to man/woman up reflect and say.....that was really dumb. But not only was it really dumb, but the SITUATION was really dumb.

I. Don’t. Give. A. Rats. Ass. Women KNOW when shit is corny. We know. Now, does your loneliness outweigh your prides? Sometimes it does. Hell, everyone has spent time with someone because they were bored, or lonely, or horny, let’s be honest. But how many times can you put yourself through almost a carbon copy of past situations because ALL fingers point to you? How many times are you going to act like you don’t want to text the person, JUST so you can feel that power like “that’s right, I knew you’d say something first, I’m just THAT awesome!” Sorry boo, you’re not. And even if you ARE, you wouldn’t act like that. This is specific to the ladies. Girls, same sex relationships are on a crazy high and guess what??? It’s a LOT of dudes slanging it with other dudes and looking like my beloved Sean Carter. That makes the pool of single straight women even higher! So next time you find that man that you’re feeling, don’t feel yourself too much because I promise there are at least 10 more girls on him waiting. Literally waiting, for him to say something to them. At the same time, don’t settle just because you want SOMETHING, ANYTHING, because then you wake up and 5 years later your side nigga got married and you're 33 wanting a family and single all over again. DO NOT WASTE TIME!!!!

Date with a purpose y'all. Whoops, I just realized I forgot to say how me and mine are together. We dated with a purpose. The other thing to realize y'all, is people are ready when THEY’RE ready! They always say you can’t expect a man to change, I think you can’t expect ANY one to change. People do what they want, when they want. Some are more inclined to change than others, but that’s just called maturity. When I met my bf, I was over the bs. I had no expectations but lunch and a decent conversation, which turned out to be an awesome first date and I truly didn’t want it to end. Which turned into more and more dates, and when I say dates, I don’t mean no damn netflix and chill, I can netflix and chill by my damn self and watch what  I actually want to watch! I mean dinners, and random walks, and playing basketball lol, all these random events provided by both sides of the table to get to know one another. And the kicker? We didn’t have sex....for a while. That was my decision, and he respected it. He actually told me that was something that really made an impression on him and he respected it. Ladies, do you have ANY idea it is for us to get some penis? I’m sure even the ugliest jawn could walk into a store filled with people and leave with at least one guy, because men have twisted minds and want sex all of the time. I really do wish I knew what it felt like for guys sometimes because I’ve seen sex fuck up so much so quick....was it even that deep? Long story short, don’t give up the goodies so quick! Don’t be like Charlotte (s&c reference) and MARRY without testing the waters, but give it a little bit of time. Lest not forget, sex gets better over time, and it certainly means more when it’s with someone you actually care about. 

So per usual when I blog, I kind of let my brain do what it wants. This great relationship of mine? It wasn’t over night. You have to learn someone, their great good bad and ugly. And ugly can really make you want to choke them, but how much of that person is great or good? Be honest with yourself. Is sacrificing a bit of your life, worth it? Is dropping all your hoes or “friends” as you call them worth it? Here’s a better question, are YOU worth them dropping their old skeletons? If the answer is yes, then treat others the way you KNOW you should be treated. Nothing is perfect, nothing good comes easy, and honestly at the end of the day, the whole thing could blow up in your face, but if you gave an honest effort, keep your head up and keep it moving. Do I hear insane stories of my single friends and think man, I wish that was me? Honestly, not really. If anything it makes me appreciate my boo boo stank even more. Wow I DON’T have to play the guessing game, ‘should I call?’ ‘is this too much?’ ‘should I even make this joke?’ I don’t care how corny my jokes are I STILL SAY THEM, and he still ‘listens’. He probably doesn’t, but whatever. And backpedaling a bit, I did used to be that crazy bitch. I won’t even say chick, because it was on that level. Now looking back I'm like, yuck. I did used to run game and think I was the shit and he’d never do me dirty.....SIKE! I got played like a play station and while it SUCKED, once it was all said and done I had to take ownership too. I used to go through the phones, the computers, the WHATEVER I could get my hands on, and whether I found something or not, it made me feel insane. One, am I REALLY doing all this while he’s sleeping? Yes, yes I am. BITCH!! I KNEW he was fucking around with her! Now what? I still ‘love’ him! I don’t want him with anyone else, maybe I’ll just act like I didn’t see it. And then sets in paranoia. 

So all in all, I’m in love with us, I’m proud of us, I’ll work for us...because WE do. We had one STUPID ass argument recentlyish which lead to a REAL ass conversation and realization, that we needed to cut our shit out. Trying to be right doesn’t do anything but put someone down. Sometimes shit just happens, but most important, how did that person feel? I swear on everything since then it’s been smooth sailing and I love it. Does he get on my nerves sometimes YES! Am I over beer bottle tops all over the damn counter and his plates left randomly? YES!! It’s super annoying, but so is my shit....EVERYWHERE and me taking up every crevice of our apartment except his computer space haha but we work it out. And that in itself is a great accomplishment that I’m happy we can do together. While I don’t feel every relationship is necessary to live, I love this one. If shit hit the fan, I would bounce back, but I’d rather hold onto this one. This has been something cultivating for a little bit now and I only see greatness ahead. We both had a reflective moment on some of our past situations and the dumb shit we’ve done, and both concluded that we love and respect our situation more to try and pull that same crap on one another. LEARN from your past damn it.

So anti bubbly love people, it’s not impossible. But if you’re still in a situation that you don’t like, just ask yourself why. NO ONE ELSE needs to know the answer but you. You don’t have to get drunk with your boys and ask them, honestly, get drunk with yourself and ask then. 

I honestly have no idea how fluid this post was, but I'm not editing a DAMN thing.

Tdot, out.

[tdotsspot]

National Puppy Day.

“Oh Tally! Did you know today was national puppy day? You have something to celebrate!” -my mother

“GM you two. It’s all over social media that it’s national puppy day!” *FB posts picture of Red* -Damon’s mother

Oh sweet pup, on the days I want to cry, I’ll look at this photo. So sweet, so innocent, so...much like a baby. So I wonder, what WAS I thinking?? Not ‘oh I’m over it’, but this is one of the biggest challenges I’ve had in a while. Talk about shaking things up. Overnight, my life changed. Actually, literally from the moment I got you, my life change. It’s only been 3 days, but I have so many feelings and emotions about you! I’ve cried at least 5 times by now, worried I got myself over my head, and that I jeopardized my relationship, but I’ll get into that a little bit later.

I’ve wanted a dog, probably my entire adult life, and sporadically while I was younger, but my mom said no, so we got a cat instead, Sylvie. She was cool, I got her after my grandmother died, and she was with us for about, 3 years? I just know by the time I got to high school me AND my mom kinda for lack of better words, sucked, and she had to be put down. She was sick apparently and when we gave her to a shelter, they said she was too sick and had to be put down. Parenting fail #1. Then in college, my roommate and I got sister kittens, that we, or should I say I, had for about 4 years. I moved in with my boyfriend, and...after promising my friend she could have her, then saw it was so bad to separate them, and then, kind of, left her. My roommate since has sent her to a shelter, which I place absolutely no blame on but myself for being neglectful, and selfish of leaving her there to begin with. Parenting fail #2, but to my defense, the only reason we got them to begin with, were for mice. I never actually WANTED another cat, but I sure as HELL didn't want any mice.

I almost got a dog a few years ago that would’ve been a present, but I knew I wasn’t ready so I declined. I was NOT ready at what, 21/22? Shit, I’m not ready now, but my mindset is completely different and I’m more understanding of life and responsibilities, so I told myself “Talya, you got this!” 

So this brings me to Damon, my boyfriend that I LIVE with. Let’s just put a pin in that for a sec, my BOYFRIEND that I LIVE with. Pretty serious you might think? I’d say yes, moving in was a huge decision. A one bedroom at that, at a fairly new time in our relationship. Although what was a huge decision affecting both of our lives, and putting both us in a vulnerable place, we decided to go through with it, and without reluctancy we renewed our lease for another year. So far, so good!

I’ve ALSO told Damon, pretty much as long as I’ve been dating him, that I’ve wanted a puppy. HOW freaking cute would that be?? Guy and girl fall in love. Guy and girl move in together. Guy and girl get a puppy, in preparation for a baby perhaps? HOW CUTE! I will have to say that yes, part of the reason of us getting a dog in which he agreed, WOULD be a good test to having a child. Now, NOTHING willl ever compare to actually having a small human I’m sure, but this is a very close second. Dame and I discussed marriage before moving in, and if spending every morning waking up to the same person, going home to your sanctuary and having him be a part of that, can help prepare for something like that then, let’s see how it goes! 

LET’S GET A PUPPY DAME! DAAAAAME! BAAAABE! There was a lot of that. I never thought that one night we were spending together watching a favorite tv show like we always do, would spur the conversation of ACTUALLY getting a dog! I was so excited, I felt like I was getting proposed to haha. Dame is a VERY calculated person. Seriously. He wouldn't say yes to something unless he agreed to it, if he hadn't weighed out every pro and con to a situation. So when he said it might be a good idea, I knew it was basically a yes. I had seen our new pup via a friend of mine at work who knew a breeder, and fell in love. He was just too cute! LETS DO IT!

After meeting Reddington (our dog) himself, and driving back home, I heard a lot of “hmm’s” from Dame as I felt him lean more and more to a yes. IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING!?!? Are we getting a dog!!???!?! YES!! 

The days got closer and closer, as I told anyone who’d listen about my new puppy. “What’s his name?” “Reddington. It’s from the tv show the Blacklist. In the process of trying to convince my boyfriend to say yes, I suggested naming him after character Raymond Reddington, Dame’s favorite, and a true bad ass, and he liked it!” I probably said that verbatim 60 times in the past two weeks, all to different people. 

The week after agreeing, supplies for Red started getting mailed. A crate, some toys, a bed...this was getting real!

It snowed the day we got Red, after being fairly warm days before. I walked into the room Red and his siblings were and said ‘oh shit’ we are taking this home?? Dame sat with him as he cried basically the whole time to the vet for his shots, and I that was going in my head is ‘What do I do?? How does this work? Dame is probably cussing me out in his head. AHHH!’ 

Apparently we weren’t supposed to get Red as early as we did at 6 weeks, while he should've been at least 8 weeks. When the vet told us my stomach dropped. Omg, Dame. I KNOW he’s mad! ‘She didn't do her research! She SAID she was ready and didn’t know this??’ I don’t blame you babe xoxo, I would’ve thought the same thing. So now I’m thinking, fuck. This is all wrong!! EXCEPT, I forgot to mention Red was born on the 5th, the same day I met Dame :) so I still felt hopeful. 

We got home, and it began. Whimpering, peeing and shitting everywhere, hyper, cute, loving, attached...a lot. Not to mention, our place was a MESS with all of my crap everywhere from making these props for a photoshoot. It was a lot, I knew Dame was miserable I felt horrible and insecure about my decision. Also, I know I’m writing a lot, but this WAS a lot. This is why I cried, I thought he was going to resent me for getting this and we’d hate each other and break up! And then just the thought OF us breaking up made me really sad. Dramatic you're thinking I'm sure, but this is how I felt! The first night was the worst, waking up every two hours to get him to pee in the right place, then try to get him back to sleep, killed Dame I know. It wasn’t easy for me either, but I had accepted it just was what it was. I had a gig later that day, and another one for hours the day after that, and I’m sure he wondered how the hell he got himself into this while he was alone watching him. But the silver lining in realizing how much he put himself outside of his comfort zone to make me happy, made me want to marry him even more. 

Regardless, I think this will be and eye opening experience for us, and while it has been uncomfortable, it really hasn’t been THAT bad. It a really big responsibility but it is doable. My mother has been obsessed with dogs and groupon and has given a lot of helpful and affordable options to care of our new pup. She also told me I can’t give up on him, and it’ll be like looking at childbirth by the time we get it all together. I have faith, but honestly probably didn’t TOTALLY have that until today, that we will get through this. We have supporters, and we collectively and individually are not quitters. We had several grown up conversations about this topic prior to picking him up, and I know together we can get through this. We will be A OK love.

And for you little Red. I do love you. You are a lot. You have shown me patience I truly didn’t know I possessed. I will do my best to make sure you are ok. I’m writing publicly writing this, so that makes it real life. Please start peeing on the pad.

Tdot, out. 

[tdotsspot]

Honestly, who GIVES a f*#^??

Today is the day. I've been sooooo annoyed with the trivial conversations my friends have been providing me with lately it's almost kept me from even responding, but that would be rude right? That wouldn't be a good friend. But as of late when I look at my phone I just want to scream I DONT FUCKING CARE!!! I don't care about your lunch, I don't care you're saying hi, I CERTAINLY don't give a flying fuck about that dress, I really just don't fucking care!! I know this makes me seem like wtf is YOUR problem, damn, but I'll tell you what my problem is. I've been having more meaningful conversations with almost strangers, then people I've known for years. People who know my life, shit I've done, my family, but we can only talk about boys?? No. I really can't anymore. Not right now anyways. "Oh just because YOURE happy no one can say shit now huh?" NOPE that's not why. It's actually because you're SO unhappy but won't change anything about your current situation I can't bear to listen anymore. And no, this isn't a jab at just one, it's a comment for many. Maybe it's because I'm so focused on finding a way out of my job or finding better ways to make money or REALLY just trying to better my business like none other before I just don't have the mental energy to hear the same shit over and over again. It's already enough my brain is being squeezed dry trying to help people remember THEIR damn information then to clock out check my Facebook, and see the same ol shit. I actually just read an interesting article about why some couples fall out of having that hot sexy sex that helped keep them attracted in the first place and one of the reasons was because they're on the phone. They suggested keeping the bed only for sex and sleep and I'm thinking of suggesting that to my partner. Maybe if my phone was plugged in right next to my side id wake up and troll the Internet too but honestly there have been times I've tried to get it on, to find him occupied on social networks or just reading stuff and it is distracting. In my head I'm like REALLY?? Don't all men want to fuck all the time? And ur over here doing....? It's a distraction. All fucking social media is a distraction. Anyone reading this who knows me is probably like Talya, sit your ass down, as long as I've KNOWN you your hand has been glued to your phone. Whilst this is true (see how I got fancy there) it doesn't mean it's fucked up. I'm disgusted in society and myself sometimes for how addicted we are to the internet. While granted it can be a powerful tool, whether it's research or promoting your business, creeping on your crush, it can be addictive, over powering, and a substitute for real life. I read an article not too long ago about people who died after taking a selfie. SERIOUSLY??? I even saw this girl damn near snapchat her ass in an accident and IMMEDIATELY after, bloody and all. Is it really that deep???? Is sharing your life with whoever, your followers, your friends THAT important?? This past week my phone was cut off. At first I was mad and embarrassed and while it only lasted a day, it felt GOOD!!! Good to NOT have to talk to someone to keep them entertained. Good to NOT have to respond and have a valid reason. Technology has made it so it's an insult to not respond immediately to text, regardless to how trivial and pointless it is. I texted you a "." Because I'm bored!!! How DARE you not entertain me!! This Saturday I have a whole entire day to myself. No boyfriend, no obligations, no nothing, and I think I'm going to challenge myself to a day with absolutely no social media, and probably keep my phone away from me ridding myself of everyone. I feel like I almost NEED at least a day just by myself. To watch what I want, to wear, eat and do, what I want. I know this sounds terrible and so selfish but I think it's ok and sometimes even healthy to be all and only about you from time to time. I think it's getting to the point where people are afraid to just be by themselves. Is your life that scary and miserable you can't just be you? By yourself? Tdot, out. ✌️

[tdotsspot]

Whoooo! It seems the last few months have been all about failed celeb marriages. WHATS the deal people?? From what I can come up with off the top of my head...we have of course wiz and amber, nick and Mariah, Jordan Sparks and her boo, the chef couple, the chick from the view and her husband, Jennifer Hudson STILL isn't married, and the ultimate power couple jay and bey were even questioned. WHAT UP DOEEEE! Something in those Evian bottles they've been sipping? What bothers me the most about celeb relationships, is a lot of people look at them like oh this is real life. Now, I'll be honest, I got caught up in the whole bey and jay drama. I love jay z. Anyone who knows me knows that's my pseudo boyfriend, and at first I was like WHAT!!! What on earth could've happened to cause a rift in their relationship. He has Beyoncé, once of the baddest chicks out there, a crazy career with his wife matching his hustle, money out of control, and cute baby.... And also of course as a woman I was like this n*gga cheated! Damn. Like jay. You seriously have the world and you STILL fkn up??? Then all hope is lost for us regular chicks. See that, caught up that quickly. How am I comparing my own life relationship what have you with people who don't even know me. Funny right, but we all do it. Some of these celebs are more than just celebs. They are role models, they are to some, the blue print to follow. Like THESE people did it, and it appears they did it right, so we put them on pedestals forgetting that they are just humans trying to figure out life like the rest of us. I still think jay played bey and I think it's insane. I even thought they were over, but sometimes love trumps bullshit. Does it always work? Do relationships always survive? Not always, but sometimes it can. Bey I love you too, but I do hope your not settling, even if it is Shawn carter. Best of luck, she looks like she's back in love and trying, let's see what happens. But 12 years in with one of the biggest P I M P'S, with all of that time and love invested, I do hope it all works out for them. Whiz and amber. I mean....ok what pisses me off also about celeb marriages, is that they don't seem to take the idea of marriage seriously. Like, ok you're in the industry. People WANT you. They want your life, your money, your sex. You're famous!! Kind of comes with the territory. And if your not stable enough to walk into what is already harder than the average couple endures, and that's a lot too, then maybe you shouldn't gent married, or pop kids out like bubble gum. Give the relationship some time. Granted you can never predict life or see whatever coming, but if you don't truly trust the person, why marry? It's, to me, almost disrespectful. Like Kim kardashian. But I can't get into her now bc she still happens to be married to ye, but we'll see how that goes too. She did divorce in less than three months last time so, Godspeed kimye. This brings me to j Hudson. Girl. It's been six years. You have his baby. You wear a ring, HE wears a ring, but you won't sign the papers. Her reasoning, she doesn't want to get divorced and unless she knows for sure she won't marry. For the record, you're almost married via common law but... And I agree full fledged, when I get married I don't want to get divorced either but you can't go into marriage like that. People thought and probably still think I'm crazy for moving in with my boyfriend kind of early in our relationship, but for me, honestly all major choices in life weren't weighed on heavy. If I felt it was right, I'll go for it. At the end of the day you never know, and I'd rather find out sooner than later what the future holds. Do I feel we are ready to get married RIGHT now, maybe not tomorrow but I don't think it's that absurd to think about that either. And even then, neither one of us could predict what happens but if it feels right, ride it out as long as you can. I NEVER a thought nick and Mariah would last as long as they did. Everrrrr. Ever. I was actually kind of surprised when i heard they were breaking up. They were off my radar and I just figured they're both weirdos and maybe they just found the right weirdo to be in love with. I do Mariah is crazy and a diva, but I don't think Nick is that far off. The neeleys! The ultimate black cooking couple, after almost 20 years are over. Even if you never watched their show, their pictures are full of corny love that you wouldn't think anything was wrong. Well fooled us again because according to the articles almost the entire time they worked together they hated each other. Could I put on a front like that to have a successful business? Personally, I couldn't because my face tells on me too much. But nonetheless I was very shocked when I read about them. The last couple that makes me a little said is Jordan Sparks and her ex boo. They just looked soooo damn cute! For them, fame and outside opinions seem to be what broke them up even though no real reason has been shared. But at 24 and 25 and being hot artists in the game, and in such a long relationship from an early age, could break the best of them. They dated for three years and it looked like it was happily ever after, but it appears the bf was getting a lot of pressure to marry. I don't know any sane man at 25 THESE days that would do that. Matter of fact I don't think any man is in it for the long haul in their early 20's. There's too much being shown that 'ass is the way!' And if you're tied down you're a moron. That plus a newly budding career that could virtually take you anywhere....I don't think I could do it either even as a girl. Not to mention a lot changes mentally in your early twenties. Like this is the time to see who YOUR even are. Maybe they'll work it out, but hopefully for the right reasons. Love is, awesome, crazy, intense, sometimes scary, beautiful, ugly.....complicated. "Who wants that perfect love story anyways?" There is no damn perfect love story. Just two people who choose each other, and either try their damnedest to make it work or watch it crumble for whatever reason. Predictability is impossible, love isn't guaranteed, always just got with your gut, love with your heart ANDY head, and don't settle. Don't be studio either. Tdot out.

[tdotsspot]

MCM

Ok so, #MCM aka man crush monday. Some think it's corny along with #WCW women crush wednesday, but I don't. For two reasons. One if your really in like or in love with someone, whats wrong with a little shout out? Everyone loves to hear positive things about them, and on a social network?? Hunni you are in loooove. Many feel if the person your talking to or dating doesn't post you anywhere, something ain't right. DING DING DING. Agreed. A lot of people put up a front online, not IIIII. First, and foremost, if you look at any of my social networks, I use them pretty frequently, especially Instagram. To my defense, I'm a photographer, I've ALWAYS loved taking and posting photos, long before I considered turning this into a career. Sometimes, I'll admit, maybe more than necessary, but for the most part I LOVE my life, and if your apart of it, especially if we are having fun, you will get posted on there. With THAT being said, if you are friends with me on there, you've seen a thousand pics of me and dame, sorry not sorry. Here's why. First, that's my man, second, we live together and therefore are almost always together. It's not my fault we do a lot of stuff and have a lot of fun, it is what it is. Plus, we cute! lol #truestory. 

For many, social networks are the only eyes to a persons life, which again is why many sometimes 'front' or embellish their life style. I'm sure people have thought, ok they're cute they post 100 pics but are they REALLY happy? I'll even admit a couple of those pics (literally like 2 or 3) we look super in love but an hour before or after we were about to kill each other. 

No relationship is perfect and ours really isn't, but it does have a legitimate foundation, and overall we are really happy and have a strong relationship. The other night was one of those, necessary nights. We had a conversation that was, for a lack of better words real, and this is why I'm even doing all of this right now. The reason why Damon Mark M II is my MCM is because he loves me, simply put. I'm not easy, but he hasn't left me. This is the longest drama free and sustainable relationship I've ever been in, and for that, for me anyways, it's a little scary. I have been told and know, my brain can be pretty negative sometimes. ME personally, I've seen enough in life where I feel I almost HAVE to be on edge because I know people are evil, and some crazy shit can and can go down in the worst way possible. 

Dame has patience with me, and listens (NOT ALL THE TIME) but when it's needed, he tries to figure out what the problem is. It's annoying sometimes because he WILL not stop until the root of the problem is discovered and discussed, but it's necessary to learn and move on. I'm a handful sometimes, and actually plenty of people told me I'd never find a man because of my, interesting personality. However he did it, he sees ME. He calls me a softy all the time, even though IIII know I'm a thug, but....alas, he is correct. I'm sensitive and jealous and crazy, but it's only because I love him so freakin much. Now don't read this and judge me, it just is what it is. I'm not snapping every other situation, but it does sit in my brain and make me overthink sometimes. I know he's a good guy, and even though its scary to love him as much as I do sometimes, I seriously couldn't see myself with anyone else. 

My issues are my issues, and one thing I forget all the time, is our age difference. He's three years older than I am, and has experienced more of life including his time healing from his own relationships. When I started dating after my ex, it took me a whole year before I even thought about giving this 'love' thing another chance because of how things went and ended between us. Now granted I shouldn't have thought I was that much of the shit that he wouldn't do anything at all, I did, and he did, and when I found out it absolutely crushed me because he was someone I didn't worry about because  I couldn't imagine in a million years he'd do anything to hurt me. HA. Negro played my wholllllle life in the craziest way possible. Definitely made me a bit paranoid, which came out even though I thought I was over it.

What I told dame is I knew he at least deserved a chance. I could tell from our first date. When I first met him, I was pretty much over getting excited about guys. I went to go, and because we had a much better and longer first conversation than I expected. At the least, I knew we'd have a decent meal, but I wasn't expecting THIS allllll of this, thinking of marriage and babies. And I didn't get excited because the other guys I met, I was SO hype! OMG he's cute, omg he has a good job, omg he's a musician etc etc THIS WILL WORK. And all sent me flying on my face. 

So WITH Dame, I went really really slow. Like 1st 2nd 3rd base slow. Like he didn't spend the night with me for i wanna say almost 6 weeks. Like I REFUSED to go into his bedroom forever. I never even saw his bedroom until we became official I think, because i DID NOT want a repeat of all the bull shit. Again, I could tell he was different and I could see something solid, and with all the others sexual activities typically started earlier, because I 'knew' no man would try anything until they got the cookie. I know I pushed him to like the last day before he laid out an ultimatum, but I'm so happy he waited and went with it, because I feel we really got a chance to know each other, without all the bumping and grinding to distract anything.

For everything he's done for me, for learning me, for loving me, for supporting me to do my best and most importantly SEEING my best and my potential, this is why he's my MCM now and forever. It's going to sound SOOO lame, but I really am so grateful waking up to him every day. HA! Sometimes I creep and watch him while he sleeps and I'm just in shock for being so happy with him. Is this my life right now? Even in his ball shorts and wife beater while he stuffs his face, drinks his beer, and watches his wrestling, I'm still super happy. If it means I have to watched oiled up men in baby panties every monday and sometimes sunday for the rest of my life, I'm fine. 

HOWEVERRRR let's also keep in mind, his ass isn't perfect either! But that's not what this post is about. Hold on though, because he is stubborn as all hell and it drives me craaaazy sometimes.....ok ok that's it......for this post anyways lol. 

Loe you babe.

Tdot, out. 

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All heterosexual men, read this. All women, teach this.

So, unfortunately, my first post got deleted, but I was so intrigued and impressed with the accuracy of this article, I'll do it all over again. This was an interesting way to wake up, scrolling through Facebook to see this guy liking this particular article. Now, initially I thought, really? Then I thought men probably wrote this, so it's probably not accurate. THEN I thought, this guy has been in a relationship for years, so if he felt so compelled to read like AND share maybe it's worth it. THENNNN I saw women wrote this, and I knew it was definitely worth it. Now before we continue, this blog post and article is x rated. Not in the sense of it being a dirty porno conversation, but we are talking about oral sex. Men properly pleasing their women. Fellas, if you've gone downtown, first, applause to you. I have heard and even knew a guy or two who didn't do this often, and just as mad as you get when a girl your dealing with won't slob your knob, this is how we feel too! Some good penetration is great, but did you guys know a lot of females can't climax only off of penis?? And for the sake of a somewhat sober read, let's substitute oral pleasure with 'cookies' and penetration 'candy'. Cookies and candy, got it?? So go ahead and read, then come back to hear my opinion.

http://mytinysecrets.com/how-to-eat-pussy-a-magical-guide-for-evolved-people/

So guys, are you thinking, fk this? You know what you're doing? Here's what you need to know. Hop off your mountainous ego and just listen to what these women are saying, because they are right! This is not to say your cookie game isn't on point, because it just may be, but some insight never hurts. Some guys have their moves, and that's it. The same moves you started putting together when you were a teen, may need some brushing up on. It's like telling a seasoned driver they need to take a test again. They may say, please I know what they're doing, but I'm sure there are some rules you've forgotten, or it's been so long, your way is the only way. 

Let me also tell you this, if a man followed all of these tips and tricks AND still had some good candy, his girl would keep that ass under lock and key. To give up a double whammy, is not only foolish, but so rare. Listen to your girls body, see what makes her squirm vs just laying there. Cookie is still always appreciated but that double chocolate chip cookie when you're CRAVING some double chocolate chip, is a beautiful thing. Try something new, mix it up a little. Teasing is always fun because it puts your girl on edge. Feeling that heat and knowing it's coming but when? is a fun and exciting experience. 

And honestly, if you DON'T like giving cookie, just don't. Doing it just to do it is worst then not. If your not buried and loving this, acting like you're thirsty in the desert, I'll pass. It's like a girl not liking cookie and doing it with a stank face the whole time. I'm sure all men have gone through this at one point. 

Sexual attraction is important, sexual freakiness, to a large enough group is important as well. Break down your walls fellas! Mix it up, back it up, flip it. Practice what you read, and I promise you'll at least wake up to some eggs and bacon in the morning. If you do it and you wake up hungry, she's not wifey!!! 

Tdot 

Out.

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He wasn't man enough for me

Ahhhhh my hands are itching!!! So to the blog I go. Now, before I start this, I need to state a very clear disclaimer. Those who DO read my blog, that I know anyways, know I am in a relationship. I love my man, he's a great guy, but this article is coming from Talya, a woman, completely unattached from my current relationship. I have girlfriends,I have guy friends...not as many as before, but I work with men, I have male customers, so I still hear stories about relationships from both sides. My first observation; men are men. What I mean by that is it is oh so true that men and women are not the same. I was having a very frustrated conversation with one of my girlfriends about the mans brain and all she had to say, is 'they're different talya, and you just have to get that.' Me being me of course was initially like EFF that! What do you mean just accept that?? 'They don't think like us, they just don't.' Something you would think is so obvious, just so freaking obvious because I would do it, simply isn't. And that's because I'm a woman. I just heard a story where a man told a couple, 'you just have to give women credit, they just do things better. They're far more considerate, more action oriented, they just nail it.' No, this is not a feminist post, just a post from a female. So anyways, the point of the article is, IS there a man that can truly fully satisfy a woman. The answer it seems, is no. Does that mean there aren't good guys out there? Of course not, but is there a guy out there that can fulfill what I deem the most important qualities; *caring *giving *faithful *a true companion *a motivator *action oriented *fun *exciting *a provider *good father/son/husband *inspirational *good in bed *adorning *hard working *well rounded *sociable *smart *understanding This is what I can come up with right now. This may seem like the golden goose of men, the Zeus of men, the ultimate goal, the holy grail but we all know this is impossible. *shrugs shoulders* it's impossible!!! So, I know in my ultimate relationship, I want someone who is faithful, financially stable, fun, exciting, hard working, smart! caring, a good father to my kids, caring.....ok I'm pulling too much from the list and before I know it, the whole thing will be in this paragraph haha. I'm not one to settle, I can't. I want to much for my life, but sometimes I look at it from a selfish point of view. I'm not perfect, I'm not the shit either as I thought I was. I see that more in my current relationship than ever before because I always swore I was. Am I a good girl? Yes. Am I better than most of the pickings out there? That I can confidently say, yes! But I'm messy, curse way more than I should, partake in recreational activities way more than necessary (cough cough pun intended) complain far too much, I'm messy, some will say negative (I say realistic), don't have a lot of money, and I'm spoiled. Wow. But I'm writing this because I had a real ass conversation with myself last night. I was annoyed by my boyfriend and even though he too isn't the shit, in the same matter I described myself, he is a great guy. So I found myself thinking, yes there are things that I would change about him, but that's him. Are they possible to change? Yes, just like my flaws are, but I realized things take time. Our relationship is still fairly new to be honest, and even though we do love each other, even live together, what's more important? Someone who does genuinely care for you and could very well change? Or someone who has everything you want, but proves to be an ass? All the money in the world doesn't make you a nice person. Sure you could do a lot more, show me a side of life I never thought could be lived, but if I'm not respected does it matter? What if he's TOO ambitious? Which I feel is the sexiest thing alive any person could possess, and doesn't have enough time for me? Yeah I love that your changing the world, but I haven't seen you in over a month! Same time, there's more to life than movies and cuddle time. As I conclude, I want to open this up to men and women alike. Life is all about balance. I'm coming to learn that more and more and I get older and experience the things I do. Do you, and I mean this in the truest sense possible. Do what makes YOU happy whether it's pushing yourself mentally, physically, educationally, financially....and hope for the best. If your partner sees you changing they'll probably be inclined to do the same, if not, they just may not be man OR woman enough for you. Tdot, out.

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