teachy-blog1

[teachy-blog1]

A letter to my past and future selves

I was going to make this post about my other worries about Japan, but then I decided to look though my old posts and felt an odd feeling. It felt like seeing your little brother get bullied - I just wanted to call back and say “Don’t worry, it works out in the end”, but that isn’t possible, so instead I’m gonna talk to you, future me. I have pretty high expectations for you, don’t fuck it up. 

First of all, past me, you’re a sweetheart. The feelings you felt for Cupcake back then were real and they hurt, but everything passes with time, and time passes regardless of how you feel. No matter if you’re having the time of your life or staring at the wall at 4am and thinking about the past, time is passing at the same speed and you are getting over it. I’ve always loved the phrase “This too shall pass” for that reason. Well, time has passed since those dark days and things did get better. Everything, really. Many good things faded away too, but that must happen too. I’m not completely better now, but I am better. You will be too.

Right, future self. I don’t know you but you know me, so I’ll spare you the manners I showed our past self. You better not screw this Japan thing up. It might go terribly, but that would be your call. Even if you run out of money, get depressed, whatever, you can still make some good of it. Remember El Salvador? You started off fucking that right up, but turned it around into the craziest summer of your life yet. You have the power to do that again. Most people look back on the past and think how they could have done something differently, but I’m now looking to do so in the future. Spot your mistakes and correct them so you don’t have to write another soppy letter to your past self in 3 years time. Whatever happens with SPF, happens. If it doesn’t work out refer to my advice to past me, because as of right now I am the wisest of the three of us because you two are depressed shits who aren’t thinking straight. So, whereas my advice for past me was “This too shall pass”, you get a “Deal with it, fucko”

I love both of you, probably. Take care of me

- Teachy

[teachy-blog1]

Love, Life, and Leaving it all Behind

Hey there! (He addressed the empty room). 

I almost forgot about this place, but I actually kind of missed you? It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post, which is probably a good thing. Things are going pretty god since last time I posted. I finished uni with a 2:1, got a girlfriend, and in about a month I’ll be fulfilling my childhood dream of moving to Japan for a year. Things should be going great, but I’m here. You know what that means.

So. Let’s talk a little about my wonderful girlfriend for a moment. She’s not Jazzhands from my last post. That went nowhere, really. She’s definitely not Caesar. She is a new girl who was a friend of a friend that I got with at a party and things have been peachy since. We’ve been together for about 9 months, I think. From henceforth I’ll call her SPF. She’s sweet, cares about me deeply, and we’re very happy together. And in about 25 days I’m leaving her for a year, longer than we’ve been together. 

Now I’m not breaking up with her like I did with Cupcake back in highschool. That was a trial by fire I feel I needed to go through to become who I am now. It was the worst few months of my life, that breakup. I was depressed, I developed a pretty intense anxiety, all that fun stuff. I took part in some pretty reckless behaviour during that trial too. Drugs, excessive drinking etc etc, old story. But I feel I came out of it for the better. I loved Cupcake, but that time has passed and I’ve come to accept that now as opposed to trying to forget like I did back then. 

SPF was supportive of me moving to Japan. It was nearing the end of my time at uni, I was planning on doing my NQT year first and then “seeing what happens” until I was applying for teaching jobs and I saw an advertisement to teach English abroad. I’d always been interested in that, and I applied to teach in Japan just because. But then I got the job. I asked SPF if she was okay with it many times, and she said absolutely she’d support e as I had always wanted to teach abroad AND visit Japan. My parents took some more convincing, but I won them over too. But things changed when I took the job. Things became real. We realised all the things I’d miss. Christmas, her birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, her graduation. It sunk in, and I began to feel like I’d made a mistake.

I was too far in. It was too late to get a domestic teaching job, and besides, I’d already accepted and passed the interview. This was something I had dreamed of doing since reading about Japanese history as a kid, and something I had planned on doing all through uni, but here I was feeling like I had agreed to sell my legs. Talking about it felt like a dying man discussing his funeral. I assured her it would all be okay “after I was gone”, that we’d get used to it. So we went on like this, and she began counting the days left together like I did back with Cupcake and that terrible summer. As time went on my optimism faded to realism, to thinking “would we really make it through this? Would it be worth it?”. Her pessimism stayed the same.  

SPF is many wonderful things, but confident she is not. Especially when it comes to relationships. I could never even consider sharing with her these concerns, or else she’d only see it as undeniable evidence that we’d break up the second I hit Japanese soil. That I was just looking for an excuse to. The worst part is, this time she’s not completely off the mark.

Back when we first started going out, she was far more into me than I was her. There’s no way to say this without coming off as masturbatory, but I was the person she’d been crushing on for a good while before the relationship, and at the start when she was at that level and I was “Just seeing how it goes” meant that each day I would rehearse in the shower how I might break up with her if it didn’t work out. I warmed to her very quickly, though, so it was no problem. 

But that’s far too cheery for this blog (if you can even call it that), so let’s get into the meaty bit.

Back when I was growing to like SPF more and more, I realised the only reason I gave her a shot in the first place was because she was into me, and that felt great. It doesn’t happen often. As my feelings grew, I realised that provided nothing turns you off someone completely, with enough time you can love anyone. Those thoughts have recently resurfaced, and when faced with a year in a long-distance relationship with anxiety-riddled people on both ends, it was not going to be a fun time. But what if we broke up? I might find someone else as easily as SPF, love them just as much. I feel terrible for thinking that, and I know doing so would crush SPF, but would it be worse than the pains of a LDR for a whole year? We’re both bad at it, though getting better. I considered breaking up with her sooner rather than later, but for my 21st birthday my wonderful parents had paid for a holiday for SPF and I to go on in July, a few months before I was due to leave. As such, I was stuck with her really, though that make it sound like I was desperate to get away. Truthfully, I love SPF very much and only considered breaking up like I did with Cupcake three years earlier to save more grief later down the line. Regardless, that option was taken off the table and here we are. 

My current plan is as always to “see how it goes”. If it is as painful as I fear I’ll talk with her about parting ways, but otherwise it might work out for the better? Perhaps this means I want to stay with SPF more than Cupcake. It’s hard to tell since my memories of her are tinted rose by time, but I know it wasn’t perfect. Perhaps it means I’ve grown or matured since then, somehow.

There is a part of me who wants to cancel the whole thing, stay at home, move in with SPF and forget the whole abroad business, but I know abandoning my dreams for a girl I’ve been with for less than a year would feel worse than any time apart from her. She wouldn’t allow that either. At least she said so at the start, now she has been suggesting I just stay.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, to be honest. Normally this helps me clear my head and formulate a plan, but I already had one. My head is clear but my heart is heavy. The latter of which seems to be a requirement for posting here. I suppose it feels good to put my feelings out there, even if you aren’t out there yourself. If anyone does find these or I’m dumb enough to show someone someday, hello! Thanks for stopping by. Hope you liked reading my anxieties on paper. Otherwise if it’s you, the void, I’m calling to, I hope I don’t need to talk to you again. I’m going to make one more post about Japan I think, but I hope Japan is great and there are no problems and my life goes so well I never have to pour my heart out to you again, but if not then I suppose I’ll talk to you next time. Thanks as always for listening.

- Teachy

[teachy-blog1]

Hey again, all 0 of you.

I’m kinda glad nobody saw these... It’s nice having a quiet little corner of the internet I can talk with peace. This might be my last post.

I’m doing... okay right now. Not great, not bad, I don’t even know where to put myself on the curve. I think that means I broke the cycle? That or this is some new limbo I’m stuck in.

My problem right now is the age old me vs myself. Since term hasn’t started yet the days all merge into one, and I’ve been spending days doing my own thing, which is nice. Definitely more my tempo than the busyness of El Salva. Problem is that times like this push me further into the NEET lifestyle I fear I am doomed for. In my head and to Shirley I’ve been calling it degeneracy, but maybe that’s a bit dramatic. Degeneracy includes stuff like playing videogames all day, being nocturnal, not eating healthy, not doing work (school or chores) etc. I’ve been pretty bad at all of those since coming home for christmas. Today has been good though. Cleaned my room, did my huge pile of dishes, started my next essay, cooked some soup. Luckily I’m in pretty good shape, or at least look it. I have pretty shitty skin though, so I’m using facemasks and stuff to help fix that too. Basically I don’t want to end up as the stereotypical neckbeard internet dweller type. Hopefully not.

I’m not sure why I even came here, to be honest. I guess since the rollercoaster that was 2016 is over I wanted to start 2017 off by giving this blog a send off, sorta. I’ll be back if there’s more trouble and I need someone to talk to. 

That said, I truly hope you don’t hear from me again!

- Teachy

[teachy-blog1]

Same old, same old. Friends are pretty underappreciated.

Another long wait between updates, sorry. Haha, I say that but I think I’m the only one who’s ever read these. Sorry me, I guess.

I’ve been thinking about life and stuff recently, and as usual that means I’m getting a little sad. I’ve noticed that my general mood is like a sine graph, going up and down fairly frequently. Right now I’m not sure whether I’m getting worse or am already at the bottom of the curve and about to get better. I’d be lucky if it’s the latter, but oh well.

So the topic of the month is friends. Last update it was girls but that thing is kinda shelved for now. Been talking to a girl called Jazzhands (sadly not her real name) but she and I are in different social circles so never really see much of each other irl, as if that was the only thing holding me back. Anyway, friends.

So I’ve been trying to figure out who my friends are. There’s Caesar, but I feel like we hang out because of obligation more than anything else nowadays, since I don’t think she has (m)any other friends either. There’s a few more people I go to parties with, but they have a whole other social circle that I nearly got into once to be fair, but I still felt like an outsider. What’s more I ended up taking up smoking and doing drugs to try and fit in with them, completely fulfilling the lame stereotype of those kids on “Peer Pressure” educational videos. I realised that if I had to try and fit in, what was the point? I looked so stupid in hindsight, jumping through the hoops because I was lonely. 

The closest friend I have at uni would probably be my housemate. Let’s call him Mosby. He occasionally comes over to hang out in my room, and I’ve done stuff with his group too. I wonder if that’s just because we’re housemates. Maybe I’ll get that close to the people next year? I hope so.

The lot who I’m living with next year is two couples, Caesar and another girl. I like these guys. We’ve hung out a bit before. But apart from Caesar I’ve never hung out with them personally. I feel like if we did it’d just be awkward. Maybe that’s my anxiety speaking. I always try to organise things with that group to get to know them better, but the couples are incapable of doing something without their SO, and since theres only 7 of us missing people make a difference.

As for potential new friends... I don’t know. There’s Slick, and I’m sort of in his group, but he is always with his girlfriend (who I’ve barely spoken to on account of her only speaking chinese) and he lives miles away so hanging out is tricky. To be fair though, that group is good fun. Yeah, I’ll try and do stuff with them more. 

My old friends... Well, that went two ways. The group I used to be with at 6th form has pretty much ditched me. Or I ditched them. Either way I don’t feel part of that group anymore. I met up with them when I went back home and it was great, but in the group chats and stuff I don’t really feel part of the group. Maybe that’s just the natural way of things. I’m kinda sad that I don’t even feel as close with Spangles anymore, and he was my 2nd closest friend.

Fortunately, I still have the nerd herd. These guys I talk to over Dischord, so even though we’re all across the world I still feel close to them, and among those is Shirley who I still consider my closest friend. Shirley has made lots of great friends at uni in Glascow though, and while I’m happy for him I’m also really jealous. His group is exactly the kind of thing I want. Maybe if I went to halls instead of housing. Who knows? Problem is that group spends most of their time playing LoL (I don’t) so we don’t really do much but talk.

So yeah, that’s my situation. I’ve been doing a lot of stuff by myself recently. Even this trip I’m going on over summer to El Salvador for 10 weeks (did I already talk about that?) will just be me and some new people. I hope I can make friends with them too, though with us moving back to our corners of the world then it’s not the stable friendship group I’m looking for.

I’m not sure whether I should just be myself and wait for people to come to me, or try to make friends and feel like I’m forcing it like the party group? Maybe I’m thinking too much. Maybe I’m just lonely. Actually, no maybe. If this isn’t what loneliness feels like I don’t want to know what does. For now I guess I’ll try reaching out to Slick on the other guys in that group, see how that goes.

Til next time, I’ll see you around.

[teachy-blog1]

The date!    ... sort of.

Okay, so for this third and final post of the day I’m gonna talk about this girl, let’s call her Glasses.

So before christmas I went on a drunken night out and met this girl. We danced and got along, she danced away and I figured “Hey, that’s how life is. At least I was attractive enough for a cute girl to come dance with me.”

Later, I went to a party and met her there. She was bottled, drinking vodka straight and breaking toastie makers in the kitchen. At that party I tried to do something similar to flirting, asking if she had a boyfriend first, joking around etc. Some guy (who is a much better flirter than I) came over and put the moves on, and after he left I asked if she liked him. She said no. Victory.

Fast forward to yet another night out, and I, the bottled one this time, said something along the lines of:

“Yo Glasses let’s go out”

The next morning, after apologising profusely and blushing so hard nearby ships mistook me for a rescue flare, she said yes. Unfortunately this was during Christmas break, and we had to wait til we got back to go. Over Christmas we got talking until one time she just stopped messaging me. I personally have seen how cringey “Hey where’d you go?” messages can be, so I decided to leave it, figuring she got bored/found someone else/whatever.

Then, a couple weeks after coming back she send me a message, and we get talking again like nothing has happened. Great.

Then, on Valentines night, I had a really bad day. I was so stuck in my thoughts about V that I couldn’t sleep. I decided the whole life of loneliness thing wasn’t for me, and asked Glasses if she still wanted to go see that movie.

She did! Awesome! We went, and we really got along and such (Deadpool was amazing), and then I went home.

“Teachy,” you ask “Get to the point, will you? I came here to see the musings of a guy on the internet, not some love story.”

Okay, I hear ya. My problem with Glasses is that not once have I seen any sign she’s interested in being more than friends. 

I sort of drunkenly kissed her on a night out once (only fair I suppose as she did on the first night). When we went out to the movies I brought it up and apologised, and she said it was fine and laughed it off. When I throw in the odd compliment to our messages she pretty much ignores it. For a guy who is already pretty dense, I cant really see any sign she’s interested other than the fact she agreed to go out.

Seriously, who knows what this chick is thinking.

I talked it out with a total bro of mine from back home who is in the same boat as I am for the whole ex gf thing. After talking it out I decided maybe it’s best to cut my losses and move on, and not risk it. I’ll keep talking to her and all, but just keep my options open.If you, reader, have any better advice, feel free to comment - even if it’s a few years after it’d be nice to hear from you.

Anyway, there is another issue.

I think that maybe I like Glasses because I want a girlfriend, as opposed to wanting her to be my girlfriend. Maybe that’s me just doubting myself, who knows. If so it’s really not fair on Glasses, but if not then I’d be screwing myself by messing this up over nothing.

I don’t want to dwell on this too much becasue I’m awful when it comes to overthinking.

As such, I’m gonna go. See you later reader

[teachy-blog1]

In which I discuss my role as an ear.

I am so very sorry to overload you with content after such a long hiatus, but I thought of something I wanted to talk to someone about for a while, and who better than you? You’re my favourite listener, which coincidentally is the topic of my little rant.

Remember Caesar? Not the Roman emperor, but the cleverly psudonymed friend from the original Plan B post. (We still haven’t started running btw, waiting for her to be ready for a while now.) Well Caeser I can fairly confidently say is my best friend at uni. Not overall,that honour still lies with my dear Shirley (nickname, not pseudonym), who went to uni in Glascow. Anyway, me and Caesar are good pals. Probably because we both got separated from our old group of friends at the same time, her for falling out with the girlfriend and friend of many in the group, and me for maybe slightly fucking up a little bit. Caesar, if god forbid you ever find this, you know what I did. Everyone else will have to wait, I might tell you someday. Or not.

Anyway (again), Caesar is pretty good at getting guys. She has maybe a new interest every couple of weeks and I get to hear about all of them. And while I appreciate that I am trusted enough to be trusted with her secrets, her worries and troubles and such, I sometimes feel like I never really get to throw in my two cents. Maybe it’s cause my life isn’t as interesting, I mean I told her about V and all my troubles with that, but that’s it. I never really get to talk about myself, my worries and troubles without it somehow coming back to being about her. I wonder if that’s why I started talking to you, reader. 

I just feel that sometimes I don’t have anyone to open up to and talk seriously with. I’ve tried once or twice to talk about thing like my fears I’m becoming/am depressed or my worries for the future, but when I do things feel awkward. I don’t think people know how to respond when someone like me who is rarely serious in person opens up, and to be honest I’m not that good about talking about myself either. Maybe we’re both at fault.

Back to Caesar, listen. I appreciate you as a friend, I love you (platonically), but please don’t use me as a void to talk into, at least pretend to be interested in the things I say once in a while, or I’m going to be talking to myself on this Tumblr page for the next three years of uni.

Oh yeah, I also went on a date. I suppose I’ll make another new post for that.

For now, thanks for listening, reader. You of all people know I needed it.

See you in the next post

Edit: Oh hey, just realised I’ve already talked about Glasses, and said pretty similar things, haha. Oh well.

[teachy-blog1]

Miss me? Maybe.

Hey again, it’s your favourite secret blogger here. So secret nobody has seen this but me (and you, now) haha...

Sorry you haven’t heard much from me in a while, but looking at my last few posts that’s probably a good thing. There will be a day when I forget about Teachy completely (as surprise surprise that isn't my real name) but apparently today is not that day. I figured I’d give an update on Plan B saying as I so publicly announced it and all. 

In general, I haven’t been surfing this wave in the sea of life like Plan B had planned to, but I have been paddling along, which is a hell of a lot better than drowning like I was before. 

I'm not great at analogies. 

Anyway, once I figure out how to I’ll post a picture of the table I made to keep track of my progress. I forgot to fill it in at times, and there are some days that I can tell were bad by the number of crosses clustered together, but I think that’s good too. You have to acknowledge that times aren't always great, I think.

Mostly it’s been going well, My LD and exercise columns are a bit... lacking, but I start a new workout programme today, along with a new table. As for LD, I have had my notepad next to my book for a while since my dreams have been crazy good recently, but that has the adverse effect of me trying to go back into the dream when I wake up instead of writing it down like I should. I suppose that wasn't the most important part of Plan B.

Cooking Is fairly good, actually. I never expected to put as many ticks down as I did. My current favourite recipes are Thai Green Curry, Sausage Gnocchi and Tuna/Sweetcorn Rice. I'm trying to decide a new recipe now, something cheap with potatoes or beans or something.

Music is the sort of thing I do absent-mindedly nowadays, which is why there’s so many dashes there. I just sit watching YouTube while messing around with my ukulele or piano. Occasionally I commit to learning some new song I like, but that rarely lasts because I have a pretty short attention span, haha...

Productive is fairly easy to do, it’s more to count the worthless days where I stayed in bed til 2pm and did nothing useful. I have thankfully had fewer of those days now I've been feeling less depressed, which is nice to see.

I changed “Wake up AM” to “decent sleep” after a couple really bad weeks where I could only sleep every other day out of sheer exhaustion, something dumb keeping me up like thinking about the past and other unimportant things. I marked the nights I didn't sleep at all with two crosses, so I guess you can see for yourself.

Oh hey, I did it. I was wondering what those plus marks were. 

Well, there you go. I haven’t filled in today’s yet, since the day isn’t over, but I might start the new sheet today. This one is getting a little dog-eared.

That’s all I have to say about the plan for now, I’ll be back in a month or so to give you the run down on the next one.

Wish me luck!

Later.

[teachy-blog1]

The moment at which Plan B is shot dead at the starting line

So, the girl I love has a boyfriend.

It’s 3am and I just found this out. A couple days ago I was coming home from a night at the pub with some old friends, and when one of them asked how I was I thought I’d be honest and say “Not so great. Still having a rough time getting over the ex”, to which the genius replied “It’s alright, I think she has a boyfriend now anyway”. I laughed at the time, but this broke me. I thought to myself, “he wasn’t sure, maybe he is mistaken”. But alas, just now, I thought “Maybe he isn’t?” and checked. He wasn’t. 

The thing that upsets me the most isn’t the fact that the girl I thought about marrying someday has found someone else, but that it still upsets me. I want to get over her. I want to say “Oh, new boyfriend? Congrats!” But instead I’m a mix of angry, empty and sad. She’s obviously coping well, why can’t I? Why am I the one left with the burden of loneliness, sadness and depression? Did she ever love me? These are the ind of thoughts that are keeping me up, and the reason I’m blasting cYsmix and typing here at quarter to four in the morning and not sleeping.

I’m not sure why I posted this. Maybe I hoped to cheer myself up as I typed, which I’ve tried to do (successfully) in the past. Maybe I just wanted to share with you, reader, for following my tragic tale so far. Another part o the reason I’m here is because my friend suggested I go to therapy again. First of all, I have nothing against people who need therapy, you guys rock for taking affirmative action for your mental health, but to me doing that would be a sign of my weakness. Concrete evidence I can’t get over a stupid highschool romance. My plan so far is to stick with Plan B, even though it was derailed a bit. I need to get back to uni, to my life, before that can start. I like visiting home, but my independence is something that keeps me going away from home, cause I have to. Anyway, I already talked about Plan B last post, so I’ll move on.

I think one thing that kind of helped is thinking about how much I’m a hypocrite. Although I don’t have a new SO like her, I have kissed a couple girls at uni (albeit drunkenly and regretfully) so I’m not completely free of fault, but I don’t know if that self annoyance is good or bad. I mean, I don’t want to see every relationship I have in the future as a bad thing. Maybe that’s what I need, a new relationship to let me forget about the last. 

I miss being in love, really.

Problem is, is tough for guys to go looking for love without being needy. I don’t really like the idea of tinder because I’d much rather hang out with someone I already know, so I guess I just need to meet more people in real life, play the role of the social butterfly again. That’s always fun. But, there’s one more reason to get back to uni. I suppose I’ll just wait for the next six days to pass, because waiting for time to pass is all I seem to do recently.

I’m not sure if this post helped or not, but I did organise my thoughts a little and calm down a bunch. If anyone else is having troubles like mine and get a ll flustered, I really do suggest typing it out, even if not publicly, cause it helps.For now though, I’m going to exercise until I can fall asleep. 

I’ll see you later.

[teachy-blog1]

It’s 2016, and about time to cheer up. AKA, Plan B

Okay, 2015, you’ve had your fun. I’m gonna make 2016 a year I’ll look back on happily instead of trying to forget most of it. 

“How?” I hear you cry. Well, I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking of a plan:

Get back into running and generally getting fit. A friend of mine, let’s call her Caesar, asked me to be her gym buddy, so I guess I’ll start going to the gym too. Maybe when the new years rush is over. Actually, no, that kind of thinking is solid procrastination material. I’m going to outlast the new years rush. Yeah, that sounds good.

Try to cook stuff. I’m not horribly untalented, just tragically lazy when it comes to food. I want to try cooking actual meals, and having leftovers too! That’ll be good, if only for persuading people I’ve got my shit together.

Make more friends. I have quite a few already (no brag intended) but the nature of my course means they’re mostly girls, which is fine and all, but a few more guy friends would be nice. Might also help with the whole “everyone thinks I’m gay” thing. Maybe.

Put more effort into studies. By which I mean any effort. I know first year doesn’t count, but I’d like to get a decent grade at least. I think for that I need to work on things like referencing and public speaking (I get kinda nervous).

Put more energy into piano (and now bass). Instead of games. They’re fun and all, but society has no love for gamers, and music is fun anyway. I should be making some fun stuff with a friend, let’s call him Slick. That is, I have to now since he set us up a bandcamp page, apparently.

That should do for now. I called this plan “Plan B” not cause there was ever a Plan A but because it sounded better than “Plan Butterfly”. The logic for this name is that pre-2015 I was a harmless little caterpillar, tottering along through life. Then there was 2015, the shitty chrysalis stage, and now I’m gonna be a butterfly or something. I dunno, it made sense in my head. 

I doubt I’ll follow through with this plan, but if I can get at least one of these goals achieved by 2017 I’ll be happy with myself.

There were some other things I could’ve added, such as thing about writing, making money, finding a girl etc, but I think 5 is a good amount. I don’t want to set the bar too high, knowing me. One thing I do want to figure out this year however is ICS. I’m fairly sure I want to do it this summer, if it’s not too late. Well, if it is, it is. There’s always next year.

For now I’ll let you enjoy your new years celebration, or whatever day of the year it is you read this, reader.

 I’ll talk to you later

[teachy-blog1]

The less important second post. Today we’re talking about loneliness.

I felt like this should be in a different post to my introduction.

Anyway, here we are. Me and you, the reader. To save us some awkward introductions I’m just gonna talk to you like an old friend, especially since the only one who’ll end up reading this is future me anyway (hello from the past).

So, if like most people you’ve already read the title, you’ll notice that today I’m going to talk about being lonely. I suppose I should give you some background info... I’m a straight, male, university student. That should do.

So to get right to it when I went to university I had to move city. This is normally an exciting time in a young person’s life: moving away from home, becoming independent, being an adult and such. I was so hyped for all of these things, but there was an issue. My girlfriend of two years did not have to move city. After great deliberation, we decided to take the mature (so I’m told) option to break up, as we’re adults now (so I’m told) and neither of us would be good at long term relationships. At the time, I was sad. I loved this girl, she was the first real girlfriend I’d ever had, and for the last two years she’d been the center of my universe. A month or so into being at uni I decided that being single sucked, so I decided to ask her to get back together. In my head she was just as sad as I was, and would be over the moon to get the message asking to try long distance and it would somehow work out and then we’d get married someday. In my head. In reality when I asked she said she still didn’t want to do long distance I made the terrible mistake of confessing that I was still in love with her, to which she replied “I don’t not love you”.

Then it clicked. She’d already moved on. I decided then I would not be the creepy ex-boyfriend who can’t let go, and as such I didn’t message her at all after that. Despite that, I still found myself (usually after a few drinks at a party) going back to see how she’s doing, on Facebook or Instagram or whatnot. Those of you who have been through a breakup before know what a horrible, terrible mistake this is. Every picture I saw of her choked me up, gave some tight feeling in my chest that’s not quite sad, but more an unpleasant numbness, like before you have a tooth removed. One night I decided I had to stop torturing myself and deleted her number, all the hundreds of pictures of us and her on my phone, unfriended her on Facebook and left the old group chat we were in with my old group of friends. Naturally, I wondered if it was a bit much, I mean now I will never talk to or see even a picture of her again, but overall I think it helped.

...

I got a little sidetracked there, I wasn’t planning on talking about her yet, but I suppose some backstory will help. For the record the evens above happened from September-early November 2015, and right now it’s nearly January 2016. I’m doing... alright. I don’t think about her as much as I used to. The problem now is that I have a date. This girl, let’s call her Glasses, is someone I met at a couple parties for my course. She’s cute, is fun to be around and can handle vodka like a champ, and one night I was very drunk and asked her out (via text, I know). We both laughed it off in the morning, and after talking for a little while all of a sudden we were seeing a movie together when we get back in January. This is great, but I have a problem. I’m worried I don’t like Girl, but I just want a girlfriend. Lately a lot of my dreams (Something I’m fascinated about, more posts on lucid dreaming to come) involve me and a girl, different each time, hanging out and just... cuddling. No sex, just cuddling. I realized that I missed that the most about my ex. I think maybe I’m just lonely. I don’t want like Glasses just because she’s a girl, I want to like her for who she is. I don’t really know her that well, as I said we’ve only me a couple times and we were both quite a bit drunk. I guess I can only see if we get along, cause over messages we haven’t really clicked yet. Here’s hoping.

Maybe in a few months time I’ll be talking about how happy I am and how petty my previous worries were, but for now I’m just gonna wait and see what happens. Even while writing the above it was hard to think of exactly what was bothering me, so maybe it’s just all in my head. Oh well, I’ve typed for long enough, thanks if you’ve made it this far.

I’ll see you later.

[teachy-blog1]

Oh hey, it’s my first post.

I feel like I should post something cool here, but I can’’t think of anything really.

Basically, this page is just for me, sorry. You can read it if you like, but I’m not gonna go out of my way to get followers or friends or likes or whatever you guys use here (if you can’t tell, I’ve never used tumblr before). Mainly I’ll be talking about my life, which is fairly boring. I’m a pretty depressing guy, but I do like writing, even if I never finish a story; playing piano, even though I rarely finish learning the whole song; and playing games. I do finish those. I’ll also use this place to vent a little. It’s rough times for your pal teachy right now but venting is nice, and I’d recommend it for people who have the bad habit of thinking about things without talking about it to someone who’s not afraid to tell you you’re an idiot.

Is there comments on here? If so then I’d love to hear from you, reader, whoever you are. Tell me about yourself, what’s wrong in your universe, what’s right. I’m not good at many things, but I’m a great listener (well, reader in this case). Anyway, I think this is sufficient for a introductory message. I don’t want to bore you yet, that’ll come later. (ha ha)

Okay, I’m going now. See you.