teatimewhispers - Tumblr blog

[teatimewhispers]

Susurros de 3AM

Nuevamente me encuentro en este lugar cerrado,

Con las manos temblando y el corazón atrapado

Entre decir, hacer, ser o no ser, querer y dejarse querer.

Amar y dejarse amar, amar y querer que eso se pueda reciprocar.

No pienso mientras escribo, escribo mientras siento

Una catarata de emociones ante una garganta anudada

Anonadada, traicionada y reventada por estos eventos que pasan nuevamente,

Un amor, un cariño y una historia que no pudo ser, o eso pensé hasta el día de ayer.

Mi amor nunca ha sido a medias por más que lo intenté

Y ahora aunque lo niegue, siento que a mi amor hacia un barranco lo empujé.

Juré esconderlo por esto y por aquello, me prometí no sabotearlo por allá ni por acá

Decisiones que no son culpa de nadie, pero sentimientos que a nuestros cuerpos siempre hará temblar

Intento nunca molestar, a mis sentimientos siempre guardar, siempre a riesgo de perder,

Esperando poder surfear en las lágrimas que había llorado ayer.

Es de no creer, que no me pueda convencer, de cerrar la boca y dejar que empiece a llover

¿Vos sabés? Yo lo sé, temo que todo pueda desaparecer, perecer y perder, todo de nuevo otra vez romper.

Desde aquel último primer día, donde no pude ignorar la verdad

La verdad de que no estamos acá para siempre, elegí tirarme al vacío y de nuevo empezar

Eliminar hacer cosas por costumbre, por seguridad, con miedo permanente y ganas de llorar

Esa elección sus frutos ha comenzado a cosechar, aunque sólo espero que a nadie más haga llorar. 

...

Siempre le digo a todxs lxs que amo que piensen en sí mismxs primero antes que en lxs demás como si yo hiciera lo que predico, como si no hubiesen voces en mi cabeza que me intentan guíar por un camino más lógico y con “menos dolor”.

No hay. No lo hay, un camino con menos dolor... en uno me voy a amar más mañana pero voy a lastimar a lxs demás, en el otro el resto sonríe mientras en mi mente pienso en que algo está mal.

Hacía mucho tiempo que no me ponía a escribir mis emociones en palabras. Hacía mucho tiempo que no sentía más de lo que podía pensar. 

Pase lo que pase, prometo intentar seguirme cuidando igual.

Ya rompí las rutinas, las costumbres, las barreras que algún día yo mismx puse ahí.

Ahora... ahora sólo necesito respirar.

Estas palabras son como la vida misma, todo un freestyle.

[teatimewhispers]

[teatimewhispers]

i am not immune to propaganda 

thoughts are being thunk

really enjoyed doing these fanarts though because I used a different rendering techinque and different brushes for each one and it was a cool little experiment

[teatimewhispers]

Voices from the Past

On july 9th of 2019 I wrote, on a now-dead tumblr only made for writing stuff, just like this one, the following bit:

I’ve been writing a lot

It’s been seven years since I tried to kill myself and failed

It’s been about six since I went into therapy and was told I should write my feelings as a resource to not let them grow and explode.

I’ve written countless pages since that day, I’ve erased most of them as I grew up, as they all were dark and I remembered them anyway

Reality is different now.

Well, it’s now been 10 years since I last tried to kill myself, and things have worked on a curious way.

I’ve never stopped writing, not in my head at least. Recently, I’ve been thinking about many things that have happened the last 2-3 years, about the time period I last wrote something on this website.

I found love, I lost love, I found friends, I lost friends. My dog, Luna, my partner in growing up since I was 11 died and left a hole inside my chest that has never been filled ever since.

The month that it happened got pretty quiet after that, or at least I wasn’t able to properly live the rest of it. It made me think about so many things, about friendships, about loss, about suffering, and even if it got me to one of my darkest places in a while, I still had the resources from 10 years ago to avoid stupidity.

This thing that I’m writing is not me coming back to these thoughts with a clear intent of trying again, it’s just me talking to the void and the eventual eyes of people who are even interested in lurking this much. 

I could talk all day about it all and I’ll probably never end.

This last year has been the darkest for me in years. Even darker than the one where I lost my dog.

A friend died. Another disappeared never to go online again. Health issues that I’m still dealing with kicked me in the face. I decided to drop out of my career out of self-care. One of my longest friendships (10+ years) ended for good. My brother, the one who would always smile and tell me it was all gonna be fine had his first panic attack and had to be hospitalized for a while. I fought many times with the dipshit that calls himself my father and fell unconscious on a friend’s house from a panic attack after all the stress accumulated. On December I suffered an almost-heart attack from dehydration due to the illness i’m still figuring out and thought on that moment I would die alone on the house I was occupying while my other brother was on vacation. 

Ever since then, I’ve been dealing with the weight of everything. It’s always been curious to me how when you’re close to dying every single person that has ever known you appears from nowhere. That would have made me either happy or angry, but, unfortunately, to this day I’m still fighting the same bullshit I’ve been fighting against for about 3 years now. Apathy.

Most things bore me easily. I can’t find joy with stuff that made me extremely happy in the past. The sole thought of doing some things discourages me from actually doing anything and I get angry at myself at the end of the day for not having done anything.

I’ve gotten a little bit better. Still working on a community that I really enjoy and occupies my mind with other things. Still DMing a campaign and I’m about to start another one soon which makes me excited. Also, I started studying voice acting and it’s been going great, paid most of my course already with money that I got from a summer job so that’s nice, however the thought of maybe running out of money to finish it haunts me. I know I will do it, somehow, I always find the way.

Oops. What was that? Me believing in myself? Fuck yeah.

Even in all this darkness, I was born again. My old name got buried with a bunch of things and Eli was born. And this time, I don’t have time to be that harsh on myself. I now drink tea and await quietly until the water boils. I now take a moment to breath when everything’s being too much. I now enjoy being alone rather than saying that I enjoy being alone. I also am fully aware of how much I miss being on a romantic relationship and romanticism in general, because it’s one of the only things that actually make me feel like a child over and over again. 

I’ve decided to decide a long time ago. And I will decide when everything ends just as I will decide when the next happy thing stomps me in the face.

Choices are better than not choosing; not choosing means you're at the whims of circumstance. - Taliesin Jaffe

I’ve missed ranting online. It’ll not be like that a lot I don’t think. I’m not a writer, I just write. Let’s see if that actually keeps happening or if this is the first and last attempt on a couple of years.

Also, The Pillows started playing on my playlist. Talk about timing.