technicolorgirlfriend

[technicolorgirlfriend]

dont remember what day it was. i feel like sarah jessica parker in sex and the city rn writing on the computer lol um yeah uh hmmm yeah i relapsed the other day and cut my wrist 20ish/most were superficial and healed immediately 5ish are visible but pretty shallow so im pretty mad because i was doing well for a while and would just cry things out or be smoke or whatever but i just kinda snapped when i fell down a wormhole of thoughts and actually went out of my way to search for different tools and went up and down stairs multiple times when different knives werent sharp enough and i never snapped myself out of it during that time which is really disappointing and im forgetting the term but theres a term for when people relapse and then theyre like well fuck it i might as well go full out and thats how i feel right now but i know ill feel even more upset and have a harder time with letting them heal and hide them without getting caught and reprimanded and being questioned more seriously about other stuff ive been hiding and lying about which makes me feel more guilty if id be found guilty of that but 

yeah to that i feel bad for lying and hiding it on one hand especially for my little sister at the beginning because she was genuinely being concerned and nice and backed off so i feel bad because i feel like she really trusts me and backed off for that reason. but my mom is making me angry. shes legitimately always commenting about how little i eat and how much weight im losing. when she compliments me on it she gets mad that im cant take a compliment but shes LITERALLY WHO I LEARNED TO DO THAT FROM LOL. so yeah. i also learned complaining about being fat from her. and when i used to do that she would tell me that i should work out or lose weight or something. and she said chewing and spitting which is a literal eating disorder is a good idea. and only when im on a diet or how im going about things right now is when my dad says i look good. i still dont even feel like i look any good. i think my sister whos taller than me weighs less than i do and she has more muscle than i do. i eat probably 1000 or less a day (which is like only a few hundred less than whats considered within normal range for women) and i still am the fattest sister. my face is fat and i have no ass. everyone i date has dumped me. not saying that its cuz im ugly because it may be my personality. im also not a catch and dont really attract much attention whereas my sisters do because theyre beautiful and look in shape. i just let myself go like. at 10. lol. i have no self control and its really gross and when i finally try to not let urge take over my actions someones on my back about it ever other time i say no to food or take to small a portion. sometimes i wish i could go back to being 7 and just have never gotten so fat. it feels so wrong to say that because i feel like me as a child is not the same human being as me, not in a spiritual sense but legitimately not really the same person. idk i just feel like objectively im a pretty shit person and all i do is whine and complain. i wish i would stop because as bad as it is to hear typed out this is 70% of what i hear in my brain and the rest is me cognitively reasoning with myself and knowing my depression is making myself out to be the victim all the time, wa wa wa, whatever, all this bitching and moaning instead of doing the work, but when i was out of quarantine for months i was in therapy doing work and i was just overanalyzing stupid crap and still blaming other shit and everything is just so messy i love to accept and hear people say oh this is because this person did this to you and youre okay but like yeah jesus fucking christ i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me 

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i don’t understand how skinny girls can eat good food like mcdonald’s and ice cream and stay skinny :( i think about food all day even though i’m not hungry anymore and it makes me sick but it sounds good all i can think about is carving my body and after i eat some chips or half a pop tart or an ice cream sandwich or anything refined or sweet just writing all of this makes me sick and guilty but it makes me want to cut my stomach off i don’t even want to vomit because i know i already processed the sugar and all i’d be doing is ruining my teeth sometimes i feel pretty hopeless and like all i’ll do the rest of my life is chasing some ideal i’ll never reach and end up killing myself looking horrible and i think it needs to be soon probably before i start school and get more debt it just makes me sad to think i’d never see peyt graduate or see anyone get married or see the house sell or see my parents divorce or see my friends get jobs in their field or see my siblings have kids but i think i’m really sick i wish my parents had life insurance on me

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i don’t know what to do because i feel like it’s getting worse after smoking a had a binge and i think i gained a lot of weight and so i want to cut down to lose it but now WHENEVER i say no to food my mom points it out but the food she offered me tonight was mac and cheese and i had just ate like i’m so mad like i eat too much and someone calls me out which is fine but i’m watching what i eat and i’m still at a whatever weight and it’s like “hey we all agree you don’t eat enough “ like Ok cool i also am not overweight anymore so i’m doing something i’m just angry like worry about yourself and like what do you want me to say oh yeah you’re right ? like if i was underweight i’d understand but i’m the only fat kid here so i don’t think you have to worry about me wasting away lmfao

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i don’t care if i’m skinny anymore

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i’m thinking maybe i should kill myself

[technicolorgirlfriend]

my sleep schedule really sucks i was finally going to be alseep at night but my mom woke me up to take my meds which is good but i’m just so annoyed and my heads racing and i really want to self harm

[technicolorgirlfriend]

must’ve been something about me like why press me for a relationship and waste my time

i really feel like people are always trying to punk me or use me for something whether it’s getting rid of their v card or using me for sex or just to have someone to talk to it’s like wtf like maybe it really is me it must be i want to fix myself i feel broken and unlovable i know i’ve only dated a few people but why do you think that is lol i feel so suicidal lol i’m so done lolllllll lol lol lol lmao lol

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i miss having a boy hug me or kiss me or have sex with me even if he didn’t love me i miss having any intimacy with a man who’s attractive lol these past months have been extremely lonely and humbling

[technicolorgirlfriend]

maybe i’m like my mom and sister maybe i drive people away maybe i drove him away maybe i drive everyone away and have a victim complex i do bad things and don’t take myself accountable i want to apologize to everyone but i don’t want to make it worse i want to tie up my loose ends lol

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i’m so sad lol i wanna get drunk i hate socializing the people i’ve known for going on three years i can’t make friends and everyone can i’m so sick of being like this nobody likes me i feel like going to the train tracks

[technicolorgirlfriend]

this is all just a joke for the love of god PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IF YOURE READING THIS turn it off i’m done i forgot the safe word i’m done with this simulation i’m done i’m done i’m done i’m done i love my family i love them so much but i’m so sad i’m so fucking sad

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i’m really trying to have positive thoughts but what if my negative thoughts are the realistic ones? i don’t make friends easily, my SAD makes me come off bitchy so people don’t want to be friends with me, i don’t really know myself or my interests and i don’t feel like i have much of a personality that people could want to become involved with. i don’t think they’re wrong. i don’t think it’s low self esteem and much as it’s realistic. and i think it’s kind of sickening because i seem pretty pathetic and pitiful because i sound as though i’ve given up and want people to seem sorry for me. i go to therapy and i’m still willing to put in the work and i’m hopeful things will change. i’m trying to get my life on track, raise my grades and go to grad school. i want a fulfilling relationship and to fall in love again but with someone who loves me. i love my family. i want to love myself. i don’t want pity. i just wish i didn’t have these problems when i know ive tried so hard to fix them. i’ve tried so many medicines, years of therapy. suppressed thousands of urges to kill myself. i’m sick of embarrassing myself. i want it to stop for good. i want people to like me. i want to be beautiful. i want so many things. what hurts is knowing no matter how many times i tell myself i don’t need them and i need to learn to accept that won’t make me truly happy, it doesn’t matter. i won’t be satisfied until people like me the most, i feel the prettiest, i stop embarrassing myself, i don’t doubt my standing, i feel wanted. until i feel that, and i know i won’t, i’ll always be talking myself off the edge. i don’t want to do that the rest of my life. i don’t want the rest of my life to be suicide prevention. i want to live my life.

[technicolorgirlfriend]

no one thinks about you so stop worrying about it or kill yourself

[technicolorgirlfriend]

you were happier when you didn’t think love was real so you should stop trying to date people and focus on your studies and make money so you can spend money on yourself and be alone and die alone how you would’ve wanted it when you were younger

[technicolorgirlfriend]

if you get another boyfriend he will never love you and if you get another girlfriend she’s gonna hurt you

[technicolorgirlfriend]

i’m so mad i’m so embarrassed i hate it i hate it so much i really don’t see any of this being worth anything i don’t want children i don’t want anything that people say makes everything worth it. i don’t want to go to grad school i don’t want to get a doctorate i don’t want to file my fucking taxes i don’t want to figure h th is shit out i want to stop everything i’m done and i’m sick of it i don’t care about seeing my friends grow up and succeed this is all fake and it’s not worth crying every night and having ptsd nightmares and fights and paying for pills and therapy i’m not going to get accepted to college i’m going to die someday anyway so wtf is the point in living through all the painful shit i’ll have to if i don’t end it myself ?? like fr?

[technicolorgirlfriend]

like when he didn’t feel like he loved me in the summer did he really take the train the whole time and sit on the train thinking about how he didn’t care and how he was spending his money on a ticket he didn’t care about and how he was probably lying when he said he missed me and wanted to visit when i told him how much i missed him and it was all just so i wouldn’t suspect anything and he lied so much about petty small things in our relationship it only makes sense and he teared up when he broke up with me probably because he realized he was a liar and it was so embarrassing to be next to me i’d cry to if i just made a fool out of someone like he pulled a rug from beneath me and broke my foot