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There's something
Within me that i do not understand
It creeps within my bones and my skin
Depriving me of joy and content
The act is slowly breaking down
The actor failing
The mind and body in constant turmoil
Soul lost
Sanity thin
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I like it
The silence at night
In the middle of the sea
Pitch black, a void, an abyss
Where there's only me
A pack of cigarettes
And the cold night breeze
I like it very much
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A couple more months
Just a little more
Either fall into damnation
Or have an adventure of a lifetime
The excitement is intoxicating
The thrill of the unknown
The uncertainty of tomorrow
Gives something to look forward to
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GOD if these dreams are a sign.
I renounce my whole being to you.
Cuz damn i have no where to vent what I am feeling right now. The chaos that is in my mind and the doubts in my heart.
The word that i wanna say, the screams that i withhold and the violence in my soul.
I did many wrong things in my life too many to count. The disappointment I caused and the connections I constantly severe. GOD my mind right now is in a place i do not understand. The emotions i show outside are a facade to the never ending anxiousness in my heart. I am so lost and require guidance. I cling to every glimmer of light that i see only to end in dismay.
I feel though the universe conspires against me withholding the very peace that i desire. The pain i feel i cannot explain. I just wanna scream so loud at the possibility of my lung shattering. My tears dry from crying myself and lying to my existence. What is my purpose? Why am i the way i am? Why can't my peace be grasped?.
When will this emotional distraught end.
I just can't with the way I'm lying to myself everyday. I find solace and escape in the world of literature. Still my depravity deludes me of any joy nor satisfaction. I am utterly irredeemable.
GOD give me a sign what should i do?
How should i live?
To whom must i pour these unspoken words in my heart.
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Imma need to be so fuckin rich
To afford that library office from beauty and the beast typa shit
And when i bring someone I'll be like
"pick a book and read a phrase, I'll tell you the page and paragraph where it came from"
Wouldn't that be cool af hahaha
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It's nice that they are home
It's lively tho noisy all the time
The kids bring joy to my boring routine
Tho what i hate the most is those dinner talks
Relatively speaking it's all about who's got the bigger balls
Hated that stuff so bad
Tho the food is great the talk is just tiring
And whenever I'm with my cousins all topics are about party drinks and stuff
It's like we're brainwashed to be mini me's of our parents tf hahaha
I wish I could talk to someone who listens to my bullshit i mean I'm a good listener as well
Bummer xmas
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As i stare onto the night sky
My eyes suddenly start tearing up
My lungs suddenly got harder
My body became weak
I suddenly cried so hard i dunno why
My mind crowded by thoughts
My eyes blurry
My hands shaking
I wanna scream so loud but all i could manifest was to breathe as hard as i can
I hold onto my legs to the point it left a mark
My mind in distraught
Im so lost
Every night i go outside to breathe
To feel the silence
To feel something other than doubt anxiety and these massive hole of a life
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When will they understand that not everyone has the same mental fortitude as them.
In the past strong people were created because of hard times. That's why they adapted to the ever painful environment. Now it's all a psyched battle where it's you against you. Easy times did not create weak people because easy times did not really happen to them. We judge based on rumors but fail to comprehend the burden of the person.
Why must the majority be subjected to emotional ignorance illiteracy.
When will they understand that we are not mediums to achieve the future they failed to achieve or prodigy that is brainwashed to surpass them for their satisfaction.
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I tried
I promise I tried so hard
Masking it all
Acting as if im fine
Tho everything is all smile and games to me
But f*ck
I just wanna fuckin disappear
Why tf am i like this
Why is my mind filled with thoughts that i cannot describe
Why am i subjected to this kind of confusion
Why tf am i not normal
Why do i act
Why can't i trust
Why am i so not deserving of love
Why can't i just for once have someone who understands
Not lies not physically shit not infatuation
Just truth
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Where is my light at the end of the tunnel?
3am thoughts again.
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The sleepless nights I have spent, trying to aim for so much more. The exhausting breakdowns I have been in, trying to prove to myself that this life is worth fighting for. I'm lost in this fog of a world, I've lost all sense and am left with only my void.
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Embarrassing
They saw me at my shitty routine of hanging around the park at night f*
I don't want people to see the weak side of me unless i let them
That very idea is just frustrating!!!!
Can't sleep because of what they may think
Ego is so down bad rock bottom hell shitty
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In this era of ignorance
Be kind at all times
To yourself the most.
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What beautiful a tragedy
To love unconditionally
To adore onesidedly
In secret...
In my little void you are mine and mine alone
I am such a Fool i can express easily but when it comes to my truth..
Tho as if my throat fails to respond to my wishes....
What pain...
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These demons just won't stop
No matter what i do
I cant escape the prison that is my mind
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