telling-the-truth-best-one-can

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

I didn’t notice this was an issues. I don’t hair pull. I actually don’t have any issue with my hair and thank good but I can not stop biting my hands! I always biting my left hand!!! And trying to stop seems to be almost impossible and I do have black spots that my hands where I bit consistently.

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

I don’t want to be angry. I want to change but I am not too sure how. I want to be understood for who I am. There is no need to feel any shame for any of the thoughts and feelings I have. They taught me wrong.

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

My road to My Style

I just need to write this down so someone can understand. 

So I’m telling you Meela.

I know I won’t know you forever but I guess it is important on a matter of principle for me.

I guess it first started when my sister started to get suits. 

I was in about middle school at the time and she was exiting highschool.

I liked her Clothes so much! At that time. 

Because I was 11 and tiny I could fit into her suit jacket no problem.

The modern cut gave me the Modern school boy cut I wanted. My mother was so traditional and old school. She would not allow me to buy Slim fit jeans in the early 2000′s. Granted I was ahead of my time in fashion. 

Most men were dressing in large baggy clothes just like my brother and it was what was considered masculine at the time.

Especially in the hood. (93rd and Vermont to be exact. Google maps that place. Even after all these years that street is still a shit hole.)

Where majority Black and Latinos live. My mother was so disconnect with the world at that point and it didn’t help that everyone who lived around us reinforced her bad beliefs.

But time has passed and I feel I was proven right.

These things did define a man’s character as feminine. 

That it was not only gay people who wore these clothes. 

And these were Slim fit jeans, Not skinny! Jean. Not skin tight. 

She had me dressed around like some ugly as box figure like I’m a mine craft character. 

Okay I get it men are square but that doesn’t mean we can’t emphasize the figure as well. We have broader shoulders!

We have a V shape because we are wide at the top. We can taper the sides to extenuate those features. 

Either way though it was all lost on her because she had a very narrow minded way of thinking. 

I really would not have minded that. I know many people who are like that but still hold manner and decent morals.

However I had to live under her rules and her narrow minded way of thinking. 

I could never let my mind wander out of the bounds she set for me.

It really upset me.

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

This was the song that was playing while we went on the the train ride in VR CHAT

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

A more contemporary view of gaslighting people and what it feels like.

I was more of a child when I was gaslit by my mother. It is another type of abuse entirely.

Although my father was physically abusive this kind of abuse I felt from my mother was always more well thought out. 

A consistent liar who could never face reality.

My father lacks any subtly and patients to engage in this type of abuse. 

My mother could hid her abuse much better and still does to some extent because there are not physical marks.

It all lays in the head.  

If the trauma she inflicted passed and you never confronted her about it. 

It didn’t happen.

If something traumatizing happened (Like when I woke up in the hospital the second time with my wrist slit).

My mother didn’t pick me up  and when I got home. 

I was not asked if I was okay.

I simply went into my room and it was never brought up by her.

It just baffled me how two sided that woman can be so I do not like her very much. 

But people have a hard time seeing why. I have gotten so tired of it I do not even try.

To try and convince them would be too much for me. 

I can see why many women feel these emotions and would not even want to report these types of crimes to the system.

And I feel I am having a little moment of clarity where I can see the struggles of women specifically in the context of being a victim of any type of sexual assault. 

In the whole spectrum of things. I can see now how a when the whole system is not on your side, you simply chose to not engage with it.

I really identify with her at 3:35. 

How such traumatic events can leave people with really warped views that they feel they can never detach from. Well that is how I feel sometimes and I think she feels when she says 

“Okay, I know I'm suppose to say 

if i had to do it over I wouldn't lie,

 But the truth is I would lie earlier and better....

I would just figure it out on my own,

By myself......

No Matter how much someone says they care about you,

they just don’t, 

Not enough,

I mean, maybe they mean to or they try to

But other things end up being more important

So yea, I guess I’d start with that.

Lying.

Because even with good people. 

Even with people you can kind of trust,

if the truth is inconvenient,

if the truth doesn’t fit, 

they don’t believe it.

Even if they really care about you. 

They just don’t.”

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

This video is an hour long and I do not want to waste your time.

So I put video time stamps for all the things I talks about in therapy.

THE MYSTER OF THE VRCHAT PREDATOR where he talks about (Omori)

THE MYSTER OF THE VRCHAT PREDATOR Video Time stamp: 6:44 

 This video also led me to check out the game Omori (A game about depression/suicide/death/).

THE MYSTER OF THE VRCHAT PREDATOR- The game Omori in VR

Example of VR Omori where you find the song about suicide.

Video Time Stamp:8:00

I thought one of the coolest moments in the VR CHAT.

A VR version of the game 

Where the world comes to life. Real cool.

However, Like I said I do believe this can be bad thing for some people.

I know for a fact some people always take some game/fictional universe too far and they are going to try and kill themselves. 

Whether it is some kids who think the slender man is real (Anissa and Morgan) or ( Randy Stair) a 24 year old who thought he would go to the Danny Phantom Universe after he died.

This is just a side note

But this whole VR/ VR CHAT experiment reminds me of the story/novel “the society of the spectacle”.

“The spectacle is capital accumulated to the point where it becomes image.”

And I would like to clarify what he mean in the sentence even more by explaining what he means by images.

“The spectacle is not a collection of images, but a social relation among people, mediated by images.”

That in my interpretation feels like he is literally talking about VR/ VR CHAT.

It scares me a little to think about the state of humanity.

An ERP (exotic role play club, not my cup of tea but I had to go check it out)

Video Time stamp: 20:53

I went to check out some of these places and this is where I have found that some of the strangest things in VR happen.  

And there are many videos covering this but if you want to know more this youtuber takes the most respectable approach to the subject.

This youtuber shows a much more realist side of it. I do not know if this is staged but you can expect some things like this to happen without you even asking for it. And one thing I do hate is when people whisper in my ear. It really messes with how you sense your surrounding. 

I do want to be very honest. This is not going to display anything graphic/ although there are videos out there depicting those things but if you have headphones it does work as a good learning example of how people can try to mess with you in those places. 

However, you can block people if they really make you that uncomfortable. Or you can do as I do and set up your a safety zone so they can only get so close and can’t whisper in your ear.

I don’t even want to explain more about these places because they really aren’t my cup of tea. It scares me who serious people take these places. However I do respect that it is a space for them and they mostly keep their shenanigans/debauchery mostly to those worlds. 

They Catch the guy at 

50:00 if you want to check that out also.

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

In the Darkness

In the Darkness I know who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am. Mother/Brother/Sister/family and friend. I know there is nothing wrong with who I am But you all would not understand. I thought some of you would But none I could not even get as far as I would like with any of you To be this alone I know you all feel it too None of you can hide a secret if it never was a secret at all Just like me I know you hide something as well Like the words/thoughts/clothes/feelings I keep locked away in the darkness I know you do too Did they make you feel ashamed like they did me? I just want to know I just want to know I am not alone I just want to know that you are like me I want to know that you feel pain like me I guess that was too much to ask But I do not blame you all I know you like me Need the courage to accept yourselves I will set you free, even if I do not like you Which I do not feel myself

They say that you should fear the dark But that is where I have lived all my life Maybe you should be afraid of the light Maybe its bright shining presence might Illuminate more to the world than you want to let know

You thought this day would never come A day when I come over pass you in Strength.

Yes this day was a long time coming.

I was always the smallest.

Always they weakest.

The most susepticable to any influence larger than mine.

But finally

After 12 years

You are all old and I still young

And

I HAVE FINALLY RETURNED

You thought I would stay forever in my darkness

But I was biding my time.

Now I am here With courage

With Courage

I found my Strength

With my Strength

I found my peace

With my  Peace

I broke my chains

My will shall set me free.

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

Unless suffering is the direct and immediate object of life, our existence must entirely fail of its aim. It is absurd to look upon the enormous amount of pain that abounds everywhere in the world, and originates in needs and necessities inseparable from life itself, as serving no purpose at all and the result of mere chance. Each separate misfortune, as it comes, seems, no doubt, to be something exceptional; but misfortune in general is the rule.

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

Staring at the ceiling for the last hour. I think I'll get up now. 5:58

[telling-the-truth-best-one-can]

That last video.

Was the “Good Job”. It isn’t a hourly job. I should have said contract.

Me and my brother got this job because another electrician didn’t want to do it and for good reason.

These people were dirty and borderline hoarders.

But the roaches were everywhere!

You moved any piece of furniture and you would see them all over the place.

Open the switch outlets and or ceiling lights and roaches dropped everywhere!

It was absolutely gross!

No me and my brother because we are new to the business. We don’t cut corners and more importantly we do this to cover our asses.

Make sure everything is up to code because we are new and aren’t always too sure of ourselves.

My brother mostly takes the lead and I help him with everything else.

He does the thinking. I do know a good amount of Electrical knowledge and he does ask for my opinion often and I give it to him.

This job was so gross though and I just wanted to get in and out of there.

This electrical work done on that place was so strange and so badly done  we really didn’t know what was going on.

A white (netural) was connected to a hot (black) wire and some how this connected to a three way switch that didn’t need it in the bathroom and we were very confused.

We didn’t want to try and fix all the wrong things that were wrong in that house.

We told the lady. We would fix the short circuiting that was causing the breaker to slip.

However we would not guarantee that all her problems would be fixed.

We figure that somewhere in the wall the green wire (ground) was touching the black wire (hot). Therefore when you plugged in anything with a three prong plug you short circuit the breaker. We were really confused why it did not go off on its own because it should automatically trip!

This is dangerous!

So we decided to tell her that all her wiring was wrong and what she really needed a whole rewiring.

We know she would not go for this but it’s important to tell the client this

Because just in case of anything you want to cover your bases and you even write this in the proposal.

The second option we recommended. Was we would fix the plug causing the circuit to trip.

However this would require us to re-wire all the plugs, lights and switches from the Control panel to all the way through to everything it was connected.

We did this because we could not assure that everything would be safe with the old wiring because it was really crazy!

Also we weren’t going to even try to attempt to break the walls because the house was so roach infest we just wanted to get out of there!

I think the video shows that well.

We told her that the job would cost about 3000. We charged her extra because she couldn’t find anyone else to do it, it was need now and because it was absolutely gross!

The second we got the approval and the partial payment me and my brother started working faster than ever before.

We turned off the breaker.

Now usually me and my brother because like I said we are new try to go above and beyond.

Meaning there are jobs that are up to code. Meaning, no one is in any danger and everything is it’s proper place but will leave a job as all ugly hell.

Example being running behind the walls (this requires fishing, and can take up a good amount of your time because you never know what maze is in those walls and how you will have to navigate it to get to your desired location.

We saw all the terrible wiring. Plugs coming out of the wall. One socket was being ran with an extension cord.

My brother asked how should we go about this?

I tend to think a little quick about the plan of action and usually he just checks if there was a flaw in my plan or if it could be more efficient or if I put down the right material. (Basically he checks off on the plan because he knows better).

I said “honestly we should just use BX wire which is fine in doors, use all the proper straps. Screw trying to fish the wires. Lets just punch a whole through the wall ( NOT PRETTY! BUT Legal) Run it out the back to all their locations and obviously use the material graded for out door use (that can withstand rain and such). Then punch another whole through the wall just connect them the desired plugs, switches and etc.

It was one of the ugliest job of we have ever done but compared to everything else in that house. It was beautiful!

You need only see how they tried to plug up the side of their home with expanding polyurethane foam.

expanding polyurethane foam is all the yellow foam on the edges (you can see this in the video) This is made for minor patches and repairs but not to be use and the entire edge of the flooring.

They were using this to keep the roaches, rain, the weather, etc out of their home.

Now I don’t know how to fix that but I know they need a carpenter to do their subflooring!

I know that much.

Long story short. I about 1,300 in one day.

My brother made 1,700.

Client paid for material.

However this job was gross! While trying to run the pipe outside there were roaches above my head.

I was just telling myself “don’t think about. don’t think about it!” and just kept moving along”

We moved at lighting speed and literally 3-4 hours later we were done. Showed them everything worked and ran the proper tests.

And we were out!

That was the “good job” in terms of payment.

But this isn’t consistent. This was a rare come up and it was only really because no one else wanted to do. However we were able to charge more because of how dirty it was.

They weren’t bad people. Very nice. The man living in the room with roaches even gave me a painting.

It was just very dirty!

However that job bothered me less than having to work around people.