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[tenwaystosundae-blog]

A note to my drunk self

Jesus, Mawel. You got drunk again.

You drink, and you drink, and you eat sisig, and then you drink again. You get drunk, you sleep. Or worse, you get your phone and tell people things you shouldn't.

I get it. You think you want to forget. All that sadness, that feeling of worthlessness, that crushing self-doubt. You want all that to come with all the dehydration you'll be doing tonight.

You dehydrate, but you don't de-feeling-ate (I don't know what word to use, so fuck it). It stays there, it fucks you up, it fucks everyone close to you through your dumbass decisions.

All because you weren't trying to escape sadness; you want to embrace it. You want all the self-loathe to consume you, because you feel like you have no one else to run to when you're like this. No one can handle an emotional burden, they all drink to destress, stop it.

The truth is, you keep chasing sadness when happiness is all around you. You have friends who would enter your home on a whim and get shitfaced with you. You have a mother who would try to understand you even if her generation doesn't understand what you're facing.

You have a girl, dammit. And you're ruining it by refusing to let yourself go and be happy all the time.

I, for one, am sick of this. I want you to be happy. Perhaps you've been so used to being sad that you think you want it now, but you don't, because who really wants that?

You're a good friend. You give it your all. You might slack off a tad too many times, but you get the job done and what a job you do.

You are worth more than the price you pay for a pitcher of death at Drew's.

You've survived every embarassment, every mistake, every demon living in your chest for the past 21-going-22 years.

Next time you get drunk, consider all of these. You don't have to stop getting drunk, man. Get drunk with happiness.

No liquor ban would prevent you from doing that, anywhere.

You are loved.

[tenwaystosundae-blog]

5 a.m.

May lagnat ako, depressed ako, at tanga.

[tenwaystosundae-blog]

This past week broke me to the point of extremes.

On one hand, I want to leave my house, go somewhere far, disappear.

On the other, I can’t even get out of bed.

It’s like a block of misery is lying on my chest and I don’t have the strength to remove it. Or, worse yet, I prefer it staying where it is.

I prefer to let myself feel human.Vulnerable, angry. Bruised.

I prefer to wait out the storm in the off-chance of embracing the sun when it ends.

[tenwaystosundae-blog]

I didn’t expect this day to turn out like this. I’ve had my disappointments, but they’re nothing compared to what I got today. I now know how many people love me and treat me as important as I treat them. Even if it was all online, I know the feelings they expressed were sincere and heartfelt. And up until now, two hours after January 3, I still feel so warm. Thank you. For everything, for everyone. You are all blessings (even though I’m struggling with faith).  God, how did I survive the world without these people?

[tenwaystosundae-blog]

Kaibigan mo ang tulog, Mawel. Kaibigan mo lang, apparently. ‘Di ka niya mahal kaya di mo siya makuha ngayon.

[tenwaystosundae-blog]

So I watched Goosebumps expecting to feel great [SPOILER ALERT].

And I sat through something that just reminded me you can’t hold on to things that aren’t real. Then she just comes back to life in the end because that’s what movies like these do. Can I also just write a book of imagined things that become real, then permanently when you burn the book? Would make my life a lot better right now.