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la scarzuola in umbria, italy ⋅ ph. stefan giftthaler

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Restarting for the Nth time

Time check: 11 PM. Sound check: My brother’s alarm has been ringing for almost 30 minutes, and he still refuses to wake up.

My cat has officially abandoned me, deciding he suddenly wants nothing to do with me. Meanwhile, I’m lying in bed, out of things to do but drowning in things to think about. And just like that, I remember this journal—blog—whatever this is. This is surprisingly the place I randomly seem to return to when I feel like I have nowhere else to go. So here I am again, for the nth time, hoping to build a space where reality can’t touch me.

Tomorrow is supposed to be different. Maybe that's why I found myself here again. The last three months have been a total pause—a huge gap in what I once thought was my life. And before that? Hell. A storm of things happening all at once, yet somehow condensed into what feels like a single moment in my memory. I don’t even know how I got there, but what’s even more surprising is that I managed to get out, something I never though I could. At that exact point in my life, a part of me fought against the idea of leaving that “life” behind.

But tomorrow, everything picks up speed. No more standstill. No more pause. It’s honestly kind of ridiculous how often I hear people saying new year, new me—like some broken record playing on loop. And yet, here I am, finding myself in that exact same mindset. Maybe people actually know what they’re doing. Maybe I should start listening more and judge less.

But whatever. The point is, I’m trying again. Restarting. Resetting. Hoping, for once, that I’ll figure out how to be happy again. It turns out that making other people happy was a habit of mine—one that I never realized came at the cost of my own. I don’t know if it’s stupid or just overly optimistic to think that I can change that. That I can break free from the mindless, repetitive routine I’ve been stuck in. But at the very least, I can try.

So wish me luck. But in the meantime, I have something else to endure.

My brother’s alarm—which, as you’ve probably guessed, is still ringing. For fck’s sake.

03-12-25

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How

I love movies. It makes me see a different reality -- a reality I can only appreciate in an hour or two. It gives me a way out from this inescapable reality that I am in. 

I’m tired. I always wanted to be different. I want to do something different. But should I know how if the thing that I am being tired of is the only thing I’m good at? 

I want to experience the uncertainty. I’ve always known what I wanted my whole life. Well, maybe not really what I want but what I want others to see. I’ve laid out my whole life under the thought of constant scrutiny.  

Then, what?  

Is there really anyone to please? Discontented about how planned out my life is, I want to change route, hit the brakes and just pause because no one is expecting me there. 

But I don’t know how. 

9-13-20

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Welcome back, me.

The leaves of a nearby coconut tree rustle as the cold breeze pass through it. The sky is gray. The sound of accelerating vehicles from a distant highway roars as I stare blankly at the sky as if I can see way farther beyond. It is the first time being this cold since we last arrived here in the province. I definitely do not miss the city as I love my new spot here at the back terrace of our house. My mind is really busy but among those thoughts rushing in and out is the desire to just pause. Pause.

It was really a long time since I last wrote here. Sometimes I just get in these moods when I would just write something as if it is significant and somehow, I make myself believe that someone in this world would bother to read these. And if someone is in fact, reading this, I welcome you. I don’t know how you got here but here is my first entry for the year 2020.

If I got asked weeks ago what I would imagine this present time would be, something different would have come to mind. I would’ve answered a typical school day with drowning amount of material needed to be studied. These times are both terrifying and something to be grateful for. In fact, I’ve been making it a hobby to be grateful since I received a cute little spare planner from a friend. I didn’t know what to do with it at first but I figured it would be a good gratitude journal. But it became just like any other planner, left only with the first few pages used.

It is Day 3 of our family’s self-quarantine since we got back from the city.

3-16-20

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Gray

Rain. Wind. Rain. Wind. It goes on not until a time which I don't know when.

The smell and taste of nothingness.

The itch in my throat.

A lazy week indeed.

I never knew this would be a blog about how my body wages a war with me. I lost a battle since the last time I wrote. It was a terrible feeling, having to feel like my sinuses are flooded just as the street in front of our apartment is. As much as it was cold outside, I was burning up inside. Just as I thought that started to feel better, there was worse to come. And now, I am starting to feel that the nature of happiness itself is deceiving. Being happy means you are closer to being sad. Being happier than you are now is rare. But happiness is blinding.

I don't really know how or why I connected my flu with happiness but here's a random thought I just remembered because I burned my tongue due the insurmountable amount of hot soups I ate: our taste buds take about 2 weeks to generate.

My mind is not exactly in a mood for organizing thoughts at the moment. It is in a mood for planting indoor plants for my desk.

7-21-18

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When there’s smoke, there’s fire.

I haven’t been writing for three straight days now but here I am, typing what comes to mind while being blown off by the loud sound of jukebox music my mother started playing from the radio just underneath my desk. 

Somehow, I am winning the war with my brain (so far) and slept well for the last days. As a consolation, I also started to wake up early. I never thought I would love the idea of starting my day earlier, feeling the cold breeze unwarmed by the sun. I felt better now.  

As I was able to tame my brain into squeezing unwanted thoughts in my mind, a new villain arises, just like what happens in a typical superhero TV series. The day I stopped writing, I was rushed to the hospital because in an instant, my airways decided that it’s a great day for me to not breath. It was a terrifying experience, being not able to breath so suddenly for the first time. I had asthma for the longest time but this was different. 

A nearby neighborhood was on fire and I can remember smoke filling every room of our small apartment. Minutes later, the back of my nose and throat felt like it’s been doused with gasoline and later on felt like it was also lit on fire. The burning sensation flowed down my chest and I started to feel that my rib cage is suddenly small enough for my lungs. I then found myself inside the bathroom gasping for air, while hoping it would stop. It did not. 

7-15-18

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What's best with today is that I can always hope that tomorrow will be better and not get disappointed.

My head is throbbing, as it has been since I woke up this morning. My right eye is also in this slightly unbearable pain which only signifies two things: I need more sleep or my vision is slowly worsening and I need to change my glasses. Sleep did not alleviate the pain so I guess I have to wait more time to know if it really was the latter that's putting me in this little misery I'm into.

What's worse than deteriorating eyesight is the feeling of heaviness, feeling the sides of your face becoming thicker especially when turning your head left or right. I feel heavier when I lie down, as if the couch is gradually swallowing me. But as I stand up, it's as if the weight had been lifted. What went with it was my head. I felt as light as I felt heavy seconds before. I can try as much as possible to stay away from a mirror but right underneath my couch is a weighing scale waiting to be used. It never deviates from a particular number whenever I step on it, and that never fails to frustrate me.

Today, I went to Hallstatt in Austria. What's worse than weight gain is having to explore the world in front of a screen. But what's better is that it's free and comfortable with you just sitting the entire time, not breaking a sweat. I also went to Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany and went far to the southeast, in Onok Island in the Philippines.

So far, I'm enjoying my vacation at home but the realization that school is fast approaching is bugging my mind. I haven't made the most out of my vacation yet. I hope it's not too late.

7-11-18

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Too many roses to smell

Recently, I’ve been inclined to read fiction. I guess I just had enough of what reality is giving me.

I need to go somewhere and drift away from these tightening walls of our apartment in a noisy city. Spending my vacation here is not how I pictured it. But it’s not entirely far from what I expected. In fact, it’s exactly what I expected. Just add my unanticipated fondness for reading other peoples’ made up worlds. The only world I knew then was the one where what’s real and sensible is the only reality.

It’s night again, relatively early to what I’m used to, but still late. I can feel my eyes slowly giving in to the urge to close. My brain is just waiting for the right time to wake me from my languor. Stepping outside the fast lane somehow created this unimaginable barrier between my mind and body. It’s as if no communication can pass through between them. Ever since, it’s a battle. It starts at 10 and ends when I really don’t care about it anymore. Every. Single. Night.

7-10-18

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https://www.instagram.com/p/BRhClgIBLQS/

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Time to put the old horse down

I know no one’s going to read this but I’m going to write anyway.

I already had enough yawns to convince myself that it’s already time for me to sleep. My body knows it. But just as I closed my eyes, my brain lit up like a bunch of those running lights they used to have at carnivals. Uninvited thoughts started rushing in. I wanted to sleep. I feel like sleeping, but my brain is like a separate entity wanting to do anything else but sleep.

I am writing this with my eyes half closed hoping to appease my brain because right now, my brain is spewing words. Last night was all about pancakes. The night before was a relatively calm night. But most nights, food or art was my brain’s preferred subject matter. I guess my brain is just trying to squeeze more excitement from my remaining days of vacation. School is just weeks away and maybe my brain’s just bored and needs studying. I should study. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t. I deserve some rest, says my brain who’s also compulsively preventing me from taking a good night’s sleep.

7-9-18

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