terdbrocco - Tumblr blog

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Crossword Puzzles with Dad.

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My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

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When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.

I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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BORDERLANDS 2 ➢ Catch a Ride

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can we all just forget how the two of them (especially troy) are just trash goblins because i really really really wanted to put them in fancy wear shut up lazu they probably have to go to fancy meetings anyways

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A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King’s name?

King Philip III

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Happy Birthday to my beloved FFXV,

you always hold a special place in my heart.

(and happy wedding anniversary to Noctis and Luna!)

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[crashing sound]

Vaughn: What was that?!

Rhys: My shirt fell.

Vaughn: It sounded a lot heavier than that!

Rhys: ... I was in it.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

“You see, ” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components.” Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”

So Jim asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”

Carl says “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Jim, disgusted, says “You have got to be kidding me!”

And Carl says “I shit. You knot.”

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We know this, and we love you

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Axton: Maya, look, I'm melting butter.

Maya: That's great, Axton. You now have the cooking skills of a hot day.

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Maya: Stop talking.

Axton: You know I'm not good at that.

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I present ButtStallion!!!

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