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i should be paid for the content creation i do

unknowingly and unwillingly whenever i visit my inlaws.

today, yasir received his daily video call (sorry, i'm not sure the frequency is daily, but it certainly becomes daily around the week prior to his family trying to get him to pay for stuff) from his family.

this call, 3 days before eid ul adha, of course came with the purpose of needing financial assisstance back in pakistan as his family over there are unable to do qurbani by themselves.

far be it from me to remind my husband of this fact (though that does not stop me from putting it here) but Allah swt has not made qurbani farz on anyone who is not financially capable of doing it. but that's all i'll say about that. people love to live outside of their means on someone else's dollar.

IN ANY CASE. may Allah swt give yasir a clean heart (certainly cleaner than mine) and continue to give him barakah in his financial being so that he can continue to show this support. ameen sum ameen.

moving right along, it was a call with 3 or 4 of his sisters and his mother. and his sister who we just visited this past weekend started off the call with "oh yasir, have you completed your responsibility?".

at which point the rest of the folks present on the call snickered. she said it in a very clearly mocking tone.

and i'm very certain she said it in order to mock me. because i am trying to teach esa his responsibilities. because i am using this exact language with my son and i used it in front of her this past weekend, she felt like she could mock me. mock me because maybe she thinks i'm a bad parent. maybe she thinks i'm an idiot. or maybe (and frankly, most likely) she thinks nothing at all of me. like i have no value in my son or my husband's life and my attempts at teaching my son responsibility are incorrect and in vain.

anyway, the conversation continued and yasir said he had indeed sent the money and then sent the group or someone in the group the receipt of the transaction. this was met with more mocking humour about how "oh wow yasir you did it!" but in a very condescending tone.

and then another sister said out loud "i'm proud of you yasir!". again, extremely condescending, again met with snickering all around, and again a direct mockery of me.

when i tell my son to do something or i ask him to or i give him direction, and he does, i like to give praise in the form of those exact words - "i'm proud of you esa!". i have never said nor meant these words in any sort of mocking tone. i am genuinely proud of my 5 year old son for accomplishing what he has. but once again the sisters felt this was whatever it was that made it worth mocking me in front of my husband.

and i guess what i'm trying to say is - at the end of the day - this is fucking hurtful shit man.

they're mocking me.

and i started immediately wanting to think of ways to react to this.

expose family's doings to my family and so we can all go and shittalk them together (have done this many many times in the past)

go to yasir and start a fight about him not defending me in front of his sisters (another past fan favourite)

stop being who i am being as a parent in front of my in laws for the next time in some vain attempt to win their trust and love and care and have them stop hurting me like this (another thing i've done in the past - slowly stripped away layers or pieces of myself without realizing that that's what i'm doing)

devise ways to mock them back and make sure they hear it so they can be hurt right back (have wanted to do this VERY VERY often as well, but i will be honest i have no balls for it, so the execution rate on this is slim, if not 0 altogether)

as i was going through these options though, something new occured to me. as you can tell, they're all tried and tested, but underneath my own options, i'm really starting to grasp something bigger. and that is....they, these people, who have decided i'm not worth their time, i have nothing to contribute, i deserve to be mocked for my parenting or my clothing or my talking or literally anything, they will never think highly of me. they will never truly show me respect. they will never ever accept me as someone worth their time.

so....okay. so be it.

i can't be mad at yasir anymore. i'm genuinely not mad at him, in this moment, frankly. because it is not his fault. he grew up in this toxicity. if now, MAYBE, he is learning to show respect, then i can only be happy about that. as far as yasir goes, i am alhumdulillah happy to report that i do still feel respected by him. and shukar alhumdulillah for that.

and i can't be mad that someone out there doesn't like me. or thinks i'm an idiot.

i just can't. because the other final big thing that's starting to set in as a real belief for me is - their version of me in their minds is not actually the me that i am. and it's certainly not the me i aspire to be (ie retaliating their mockery with more mockery). i do not want to be like them, i frankly don't care for their respect, and somewhere deep down, i probably don't respect them either.

but what i do respect is me. i respect my own time. i respect my own self. i understand i have worth and it's a good amount of worth. i'm not perfect, but i finally believe i'm worthy of anyone's time and attention and respect. and i refuse to allow myself to let their stupid words get into my head.

so here i am. doing the only thing out of the list that i made earlier that will actually give me any peace. getting it out of my system without actually going and shittalking someone else....with a fair amount of comfort that no one frankly reads this journal so we're good :p

and while their words hurt and i am pained by them - i won't change my behaviour for their sake anymore.

i am a good person and i am a good parent and i owe my son and my husband both of those things.

much love,

k

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today i got annoyed at my friends.

out loud. to their faces. (or i guess screens because it happened via whatsapp).

and the minute i said what i said - like i izhaar-ed my ghussa to them, they of course immediately said they didn't mean it and were sorry for making me feel the way i felt.

and obviously then it was a huge long spiral into "i can't deal with this, i'm asking too much, i'm causing a ruckus, i'm burdening you all"

and all of that.

and then saima finally pulled me out of my spiral and i'm still ashamed that it took an external human to pull me out because i have quite literally no idea why i can't just be okay with the things that i'm okay with. LIKE. WHY.

urgh.

anyway. i'm okay now, thank god.

it was a rough half hour.

i guess maybe it's true - here in the developed world, maybe we really don't have enough "real" problems so we just out hurr making up our own shit left, right, and centre.

lol

okay.

goodnight.

-k

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i'm mad at yasir

but...maybe for the first time EVER in my marriage - i have not let him or (more importantly) ANYONE gotten wind of it. at least as far as i can tell anyway.

there was a home that we saw that i LOVED. it was a 10 out of 10 for me. and yasir kept saying okay we'll make an offer on it if we don't find anything else.

and of course it got sold conditionally.

so fine, it was gone, no problem.

but the condition fell through and the sale didn't happen!

then it was back on the market - technically probably more willing to accept an even lower offer than the previous time!

and again yasir kept saying the same things.

meanwhile, i had convinced myself he wasn't just stalling for time and he actually meant it. and i had convinced myself it was meant for us. and lo and behold.

it got sold conditionally again.

and here i am thinking - well how can two separate conditional sales possibly fall through for one home. and in reality, they could. but i sincerely doubt they would.

so i'm mad. because that home was perfect. big, spacious, SO MUCH BANG FOR BUCK. and yasir let it go.

and that sucks. and i'd started imagining my life there. and i know that's a dangerous game to play, but i played it.

so i guess what i'm realizing now is, it's not actually his fault i let myself get carried away with counting the eggs in my basket before they hatched. i know better than that.

and if he WAS actually just stalling for time so he wouldn't have to buy that home - then it means that he didn't want it. and if he didn't want it....how could i ask him to settle for my sake.

but anyway. i didn't yell, i didn't scream, i didn't cry. even though inside i want to cry.

but such is life.

and Allah is the Best of Planners.

much love,

k

(the one who shows restraint! who woulda thunk it, eh lol)

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my first house

sold firm today.

i'm 34, i've lived here for just under 6 years, and we'll be moving in july of 2025.

this feels bittersweet.

i made the stupid mistake of telling esa this morning that we're moving. and that he'd have a new school and new friends.

"will london be dere? will my friends be dere? will ibrahim be dere?"

so ya. we started the day off crying together at the breakfast table.

i hate myself for being this stupid :(

my widdle baby is so sensitive and now he's already got a bad taste in his mouth about the move! urgh.

anyway, mistakes were made, by me. but here we are.

i'm sad, but i'm happy. and most importantly i'm grateful.

may Allah give us what is best for us.

ameen sum ameen.

k

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it's w i l d how quickly insaan apni auqaat yaad karne pe majboor ho jata

jab thora sa bhi aasmaan se qareeb ho jaaye.

so i've spent the past sort of week or so just flying high, feeling good about myself, feeling like i'm the damn bees freaking knees.

i've felt good about the way i treat people, i've felt good about the way i am kind, i've felt good about all of it. and then today happened.

today, the day i really drilled into yasir about how i'm such a great judge of people and he's just totally not. and you could be kind and you could give a little bit of appreciation and all.

today was our offer date for selling our home. we got multiple offers (4 in total) and we were extremely happy about it! however, at the very last minute, our realtors who had previously agreed to a 3.75% commission decided to bring up the talk of commission again. after asking for praise and compliments and good words over and over again.

and they sort of asked "so do we deserve our full 5% commission yet?". and it felt like we were being cornered and it felt shitty because what you agreed to the lower commission!

but you snuck up at the end to change the terms of the sale!

how is that fair!

and we - yasir - took it. and to his benefit, he took it well and he took it quietly and he agreed after seeing the numbers. however now i'm left looking like the chump! because i wear my heart on my sleeve all the time!

and more importantly - i ACTUALLY AM THE CHUMP because i completely misjudged the people! and i got too emotional and too involved and i got all mushy and rainbows and unicorns.

so in a span of 2 hours, my auqaat was slapped back into place where it belongs because i flew too close to the sun :'(

such is life! lesson learned though - since yasir is better at handling his shit and business shit - i'm going to back right off!

-k

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new chapters and all

here we are trying to get going on a new chapter in our lives.

so we've listed our home. our first home that esa was born in and has so far lived in fairly exclusively. aside from nano house, of course!

our listing went live last week on tuesday (april 22, 2025) and the offer date is set for tuesday next week (april 29, 2025).

before that in the month of april (after eid) we've slowly but surely been having work done around the house. we added a backsplash, then the whole house was painted all white, and then last we took away the carpet upstairs and downstairs - so the only areas still carpeted are the stairs and landings between stairs (there's 2 in the house).

and then of course we had the house staged.

and since it's gone live, we've had a steady stream of listings on a daily basis.

and there you have it folks.

bismillah to this next step in our lives. hoping to report back that our house sold at a good price and we were able to move into another one inshallah in a few months....but Allah knows best.

much love,

k

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kayi logon toh waqai izzat nahin raas hoti hai

aati hai? kya hai sahi kehne ka tareeqa?

who cares.

the point is. some people truly don't want to accept the respect they receive. some people are REALLY TRAINED to seek out the places where they will be disrespected and those are the places that they choose to make space for themselves.

and if you are faced with that sort of person and you are not yourself that sort of person - what happens?

well...in my case, i think i have finally figured it out. and the end is - i've lived long enough to see myself become the villain.

wish i could express myself better, because dang my villain origin story would be a good read :p maybe only for me, but ah wells.

that's all for tonight.

-k

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big changes

up ahead!

our "coming soon" sign is up on the front yard. coming soon as a live listing. our home, my first home, is going to be on sale next week and inshallah khair, it will lead to goodness.

though it has not come without its challenges.

but whatever, life is nothing if not a challenge lol at the worst of times but even at the best of times.

and i had more ramblings than just this, but filhaal likhne ka mood nahin ho raha. so i shall just continue to ramble in my mind.

much love,

k

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you can't make someone care

that is one of the harshest truths i've had to come to terms with in my life. and here i am trying to advocate and explain and convince my mom and sister of this truth. because they're not getting it.

i've been married for 8 years now. that's 16 eids. and consistently, for MOST eids, yasir and i have had conflicts about his family or mine.

he's missed eids with my side of the family, but i have never once missed any eid with his side of the family. and despite that things have been much better between us these days, and i am determined to keep them as is - it looks like this eid will be no different.

and so once again my mom and my sister are getting triggered but i am trying my GODDAMN best to not let myself get triggered as well. when the honest to goodness truth is it still fucking hurts. but i'm tired of feeling hurt. i want to just accept it. my husband will not actively choose his wife and his son over his family. that's the truth. that's A TRUTH of my life. and so that's life.

my sister messaged him again this time despite that i asked her not to. i'm not mad at her GENUINELY AND SINCERELY because she's in my corner and looking out for mine and most importantly esa's best interest. but if i'm going to be frank here i might as well be ALL THE WAY frank. which is that if he came under coercion -- it still wouldn't have felt good. firstly because he would not be interested in being there. and secondly because he would have VERY easily and happily displayed his disinterest in it.

and that's not okay with me. if he chooses to show up and he chooses to remain disinterested - that is his choice. he's an adult. he understands good from bad and right from wrong. and frankly, even if he doesn't get it - it cannot be my job to teach him. i've been down that path before. trying to raise your husband deeply alters your marriage because you stop seeing him as your partner but rather your child.

no good can or has come of that. at least not in my experience.

so i choose to believe that Allah swt will give him hidaayat or show him consequence. but i am done trying to force his hand. and i'm done trying to get pissy about the way he treats me.

call it my ego, if you will - frankly i think of it as my self respect. cause fuck me for begging this man to love me and prioritize me and care for me for this freaking long.

so i'm done. i don't hold any resentment because despite that he's actually missed at least 3 eid things with my family in the past - this eid, if he doesn't show up i will not be going to see his family either. and that will be a first for me :p and i promise you, despite what it sounds like, i'm not doing it out of badla or vengeance. i'm just doing it because i guess, like him, i'm choosing to put my own interests first and my interest is of course with my own family :p

okay maybe that does sound a bit vengeful? but i know me, and this doesn't feel vengeful. it feels like a good boundary. and it feels healthy.

so anyway. that's that.

i guess some things truly never change :p

much love,

k

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advice

specifically of the unsolicited kind.

i've struggled with this a lot. in various different ways.

first, i think at the part of my life where i took the unsolicited advice and didn't think twice about it and let it guide me on how to live my life. at this point, i think i was young and unsure of myself and i was happy and genuinely grateful to have it. and i never felt myself becoming resentful or taking it and thinking i shouldn't have.

one of the biggest forms of that sort of advice that i can recall in my life is during my university career. i had been removed from the AFM program at University of Waterloo (yes, removed. i'm still ashamed to admit it, a full decade later, but at least i'm able to own my truth now....) and i was trying to re-route my education.

i had applied to and been accepted at 2 programs. economis at university of waterloo and financial math at wilfrid laurier university. i, personally, was leaning towards economics at UW because i was already enrolled at UW and frankly UW is the better known university.

however, at that time, my father guided me and advised me to do financial math at WLU. his reasoning was that potentially both paths are fairly similar and i would be able to learn generally similar information in both but that financial math was the more impressive sounding degree and that that was the one i should pursue.

in fairness to baba, this wasn't completely unsolicited advice because i was confused about it. but definitely leaning towards the option he didn't pick.

now, unless i'm recalling incorrectly, after he told me what he did...i agreed to it. and i listened. and i have never once felt any sort of resentment to him for nudging me in the direction that he did. despite that the degree and the education was difficult for me, but i have to believe that economics would have been too!

so overall that was the biggest form of that advice i recall receiving and taking. and alhumdulillah, to this day, i have no resentment or regrets. i'm happy having done what he suggested and it's worked out for me!

second, with unsolicited advice was when i started to feel some level of pressure about it and from that pressure came resentment.

i believe i still occasionally find myself reacting to unsolicited advice, but less and less with each passing day.

i think this phase was characterized by me showing some of my personal growth (though in the most immature way possible lol). at this stage, i would accept the advice (though again, not solicited by me) and then have it turn into some sort of pressure from the folks giving it and feel resentment for it because in my heart of hearts i knew that i didn't want to do it this way.

i can't honestly think of one concrete example of this, mostly because there are so many and if i start to list them out the ultimate theme of each of the recollections - and the question i ask myself as i read or think through my own life - is so WHY DID YOU DO IT? why do the thing someone else told you to do when you felt it wasn't the right thing to do or you felt it wasn't the right way to proceed. and then why resent?

and while that's 100% true - at this phase of my life, i guess i just hasn't found my own footing in myself and my abilities enough to even ask myself the question. so that's that phase.

during this phase, i think i also developed the deep seeded hate in me FOR unsolicited advice. because oh boy, was i ever triggered when i received it! and that's totally unfair - i mean what's really so annoying to me if someone gives me advice. but i guess the social pressure of taking the advice and the resentment that followed just brought with it a whole bunch of assumptions i chose to believe. assumptions like why is this person telling me this? do they think i'm unable to make my own decisions? do they think i'm an idiot? do they think x or y or z?

and here i'll say - my assumptions were not grounded in what i believe to be falsehoods! like even now, i sit here thinking the answer to all the "do they think" questions could and perhaps was actually "yes, 1000%". but i guess you could say in this phase of my life i was very dependent on the outside perspective on me to define who i actually was. and so if i started to believe someone else thought i was an idiot i would go out of my way to convince myself (and them) that i'm not, and part of it by taking their advice and then proving to myself it was incorrect advice.

it was a vicious and terribly motivated cycle i was in and so i just started to get triggered and weirdly egotistic about instances in my life when others provided unsolicited advice or opinions.

but as i grew up, i really started to wonder why i was getting so triggered with advice. because i started to see instances where i received the same advice from a trusted friend or family member that i had asked for vs having received it unsolicited from someone else. and the way i reacted to these scenarios was nuts.

e.g. my SiL would give some unsolicited advice about something and i would get all pissy and upset and triggered by it. but then i would go and solicit advice from my sister and she would give the SAME advice. and i would completely accept and honour and take her advice without any issues - just because it came from a solicited and trusted source. but ultimately, the advice was the same, and in practice it was GOOD advice. so....what was stopping me from taking it from my SiL?

and this train of thought is what lead me to now, which is third....the phase i've more or less transitioned to in present day. (though, like i mentioned earlier, i do still occasionally find myself regressing HOWEVER now i have the good sense to ask myself to pause and think about why i'm taking said advice and if i don't want to, what's stopping me from NOT?).

and this phase is the one where i'm forcing myself to listen to unsolicited advice with an OPEN mind. the one where i'm forcing myself to detach any unsolicited advice from others from the way i think they perceive me. and taking it strictly at face value.

AND in addition, in this phase, i'm ACTIVELY and CONSCIOUSLY still giving myself the full ownership and control over my own actions. the ownership that was - in fact - mine all along. but i own it consciously. i own the right to take the advice or not. and if i take it and it works out for me - great! but if i take it and it doesn't - i know i did my own due diligence and fit the advice on my own personal circumstance before taking it, so it's not like i'm holding any resentment for someone who pushed me to do something i didn't want to. it was my own decision.

and actually part of this has also been my development in the understanding that sometimes the decisions we make will be great. and sometimes they won't. but one bad decision doesn't need to define us. one good decision doesn't need to make our egos skyrocket.

we're all human. the most i can do is my best effort and beyond that, nothing is in my control.

so....i hope you can see what i'm trying to articulate in this post. and that is...i'm recognizing and acknowledging a lot of self growth. and i am HERE for it. my 30s so far have been a wonderfully transformative time for me and i think i'm finally at a place in my life where i can truly believe that i am an adult.

i'm living my life, more or less on my terms. i'm doing the things that give me happiness. i'm sacrificing where i see fit, and where my responsibilities require the sacrifice of me. and i'm okay with it.

i'm not living my life for someone else's sake - there's very little resentment in my heart. i've made some freaking TOUGH as nuts decisions. and i'm living with them.

and if they're bad decisions, then so be it. but if they're good ones, then maybe i can acknowledge that i do know what's good for me. and i am...in fact...an adult.

that's all for tonight. i don't honestly know how articulate i've been in this post. but i really hope i could get across what i was trying to get across.

much love,

k

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ramadan

sigh, i am really setting myself up for a lot of failure right now - tomorrow (or i guess later today in 3.5 hours) i'm supposed to be waking up for sehri for my first roza this ramadan.

and here i am....not sleeping.

it's going to be really freaking tough to let go of the habits that seem to have come oh so naturally with my leave of absence once it finishes in a coupe weeks. i've already started experiencing anxiety here and there about returning to work.

i'm not prepared and i really should be...

Allah khair karay, i guess. no point in panicking over something that hasn't happened yet...

that's all

-k

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saw your blog in the kabhi main kabhi tum tag, hope things are good between you and your husband

actually...yes! things are much better - i took a leave of absence and we are both (yes, BOTH) making an active effort to show each other respect and grace and kindness. thank you for asking :')

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it's recently occurred to me that i'm an open book.

and that's for 2 reasons. 1 - because i am, in fact, an open book. and 2 - because even when i'm not, i still am.

i know. i sound like a lunatic.

let me explain.

i've always been very open about many things. but simultaneously i've felt like i kept my own stuff to myself too. like my irks and things that annoy me. but here's the thing about those - they show up as plain as if i were saying them out loud to others!

i mean, more often than not it's to the folks that are closest to me - this is obviously no coincidence. they know me best. but that's not the point. the point is - even when i feel like i want to hide or conceal something - i'm no good at it. because people who know me are able to read me just fine.

and that realization has brought about a bit of....je ne sais quoi. i mean, genuinely, i don't know how i feel about that. i'm not able to fake anything without being called out for it! and the only time i'm allowed to continue to fake my way through life is just to up my fake-ness and frankly there is a limit to that.

and...urgh anyway. i really thought of this as a more insightful thought that i was having at the time i was having. but now, sitting here trying to articulate it is making me actually feel like a lunatic.

so that's it. that's all.

good night.

-k

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urgh

what do you do when your partner asks you to solve for things that he should be perfectly able to solve for HIMSELF!?

y: komal, where are e's mittens?

k: how would i know?

y: i can't find them.

k: they're either in the car or on the ottoman....

y: i checked i can't find them

k: WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU NEED ME TO DO?

y: aur koi mittens de do mujhe

k: WHAT AUR KOI MITTENS, KAHAN SE LAOON!?

y: okay i'll go back and check again in the car.

and LO AND BEHOLD miraculously they're in the car!

URGH THE WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

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e: mama, i was bad to h today k: why, baby, what did you do? e: i was bad to him and i made him cry mama k: why did you do that e? e: because i...i don't know...my anger come'd out at him k: why were you angry, baby? e: because [some stammering], you were angry at me

i was. i was angry and snapped at esa that morning. and then he went to school and misbehaved with his friend. and he told me about it.

and i was angry with him.

fuck man. everyone gets it - a week before my period i turn into a troll. it's just fucking boring now for me to go and do my troll things and sit here and cry and regret it after the fact.

just ONCE i would like to have the self awareness and actually PUT IT TO GOOD USE.

fuck me.

-k

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it's not fair

life isn't fair. this isn't fair. that isn't fair. it SHOULD be this way. i can exact my revenge and be petty to make up for the fact that THIS. IS. NOT. FAIR.

except the problem is - no one ever promised me fair. or i guess what i should be saying is - NO ONE SHOULD have ever promised me fair.

life. is. not. fair.

life is what it is. sometimes your cup runneth over with blessings. and sometimes it runneth dry with unfairness.

but your cup is directly impacted by and directly impactful to all the others in your life.

so maybe if something isn't fair for me, it's fair for you? maybe my unfairness is your fair?

and if that's the case - and i am a human being with faith - then we all balance out each others' unfairness. because while life may not be fair for the individual at any given point in time, Allah swt is FAIR.

He is Just. He is Kind. He is Fair.

so if it isn't fair - then it isn't fair. all i can do is hold my head up and accept that it is what it is - and what it is, is my life. and i have to make it good. and i have to make it worth living. and i have to make it worth my time in my afterlife. because Fairness will come. punishment or reward or both will come.

so that is that.

much love,

k

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the wretched month of january

is now over lol finally! it only took 10 years for this month to finish up, but it's over.

though, in all fairness, this year, the month was just great. i LOVED that it was long and lasted forever. i loved it because i'm not working currently and it was just a good time overall!

my LOA is more than halways complete. i'll be going back to work march 17th so that's a month and a half away (though february, in contrast with january) is a short month so it really is less time than it sounds.

this makes me happy and sad. but mostly sad.

and mostly because at this point, i'm fairly firm in my decision to return to work. not because i've missed it or that i've been dying to go back. just because....i like the money and my financial freedom when i work. and now that the core responsibilities financially have COMPLETELY switched over to yasir's plate - i can comfortably say that i will quit my job before i take them back from him.

i mean also inshallah he will continue to earn sufficiently for the 3 of us and i never actually am FORCED to step back in. shukar alhumdulillah, we have been given enough to be in this position.

aside from this.....i'm excited to go back to work and start seeing my own income build back up. inshallah, it'll happen slowly but surely. and when the biggest perk of my job is my income, and i get to keep more of it than what goes away....i genuinely believe it'll allow me to sustain the happiness and contentness i feel now while i am off work.

and that's a good thing.

believe it or not - i've managed to pick up some scraps of our relationship and start rebuilding it with yasir.

i'm more calm. i'm happier. i'm just not angry all the time. and that's largely in part to do with the fact that i'm not tired. i'm not overworked. i'm not crazy stressed.

i think i have a good idea on the way to move forward in my life and i'm hoping to GOD that this change will be sustainable.

baaqi, Allah knows best.

and of course, i know, we never say never. so i'm going back to work (that's my decision), but if it's written that i'm let go from work or if things immediately go back to the shithole they were before i started my LOA - i will force my brain to keep the possbility of sacrificing my income for the sake of my home open to me.

because no amount of money is worth the shit i was feeling before. and no amount of money makes up for my lack of peace during that state.

and frankly, even though i'd be "sacrificing" my career - it would be to gain my own personal happiness and peace and....is that really a sacrifice? nope. it is not.

so that's that.

much love,

k