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[teufelme]

i thought i’d make a post (forgive me, it’s a bit of a lengthy one) going back to one of my favourite hcs/interpretations and that is writing bertolt’s ‘god complex’/’apotheosis’, albeit with a couple of revisions. to make things short: this is simply a result of bertolt becoming one with the colossus titan, the true GOD OF DESTRUCTION. upon being pushed, finally losing his patience and realising that he is the only one left to end it all for marley, the power of a god finally merges with the mind of a god. mind of god becomes one with the hand of god. i do not consider it to be prominent at all times but certain events trigger his elements of the complex coming into play.

   the colossus titan is a god in its own right, and as such it all kind of links in with my view of bertolt taking up the position of the dragon in relation to the satanic trinity (which would be a different post entirely) whereby the dragon (satan) takes up the role of the imitator of god. bertolt substitutes god whether it be in paradis or marley; whether it be a god of ruination or a hero. *MOST OF MY THOUGHTS TO FOLLOW CONSIDER THE RETURN TO SHIGANSHINA ARC (mainly chapter 78, leading up to bertolt’s death in chapter 84) and some personal interpretation.

   BY DEFINITION,   a god complex is an unshakable belief characterised by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility. a person with a god complex may refuse to admit the possibility of their error or failure, even in the face of irrefutable evidence, intractable problems or difficult or impossible tasks. the person is also highly dogmatic in their views, meaning the person speaks of their personal opinions as though they were unquestionably correct. someone with a god complex may exhibit no regard for the conventions and demands of society, and may request special consideration or privileges. the first mention of a god-complex describes the god complex as belief that one is a god but i look more at the former.

   i. EXHIBITING NO REGARD FOR THE CONVENTIONS AND DEMANDS OF SOCIETY.   in the return to shiganshina arc, bertolt speaks as though what he is doing is what must be done, what is right; he disregards propriety, having no regard for the demands of society or its norms. this links in with the second point:

   ii. SPEAKING OF PERSONAL OPINIONS AS THOUGH THEY WERE UNQUESTIONABLY CORRECT.   bertolt plays god, hence my choice to refer to this complex as ‘apotheosis’: the elevating of oneself to a divine nature. an alleged act of playing god is deciding who is to live and or die in a situation where not everyone can be saved. from my own interpretation, bertolt does this in the return to shiganshina arc whereby he declares that there is nothing left to do but kill everybody because that’s just how the world is and this is further emphasised when he states that he alone was the one who decided to do it. another thing i like to note is whereby he speaks as though ‘somebody had to do it’, but later says ‘i’m going to put an end to this’. he is going to end it now because he has the means to do so. no longer is it just the colossus titan that is bertolt but bertolt is now the colossus titan.

   iii. INFLATED FEELINGS OF PERSONAL ABILITY, PRIVILEGE, OR INFALLIBILITY.   bertolt becomes quite sure of himself when taking initiative on his own for one of the first times, stating calmly that he is going to kill his former friends properly. this self-assurance, as well as a flat expression gives off this impression that, no, he’s not going to be wrong in saying this and fail, he’s going to do it and succeed. he feels no fear or dread and remarks that he knows armin is unable to do anything as long as he’s shaking in fear of his presence, highlighting a feeling of superiority and confidence in his own ability. bertolt’s whole change of character in this arc just demonstrates this aura of infallibility and supremacy.

   iv. THE BELIEF THAT ONE IS A GOD.   more of a personal reasoning this time concerning bertolt’s upbringing, bertolt’s father would always speak about how proud he was that bertolt ‘devoted his life to marley’. a little bit like reiner’s mother, i headcanon that bertolt’s father was quite dedicated to marley, even religiously/to the status of a devout worshiper, namely marleyan legend/apparent myth, helos. quite fanatic about the whole thing, bertolt’s father believed helos to be some sort of god/marleyan saviour who would forgive them for having the blood of the ‘eldian devil’ in which helos slayed. despite bertolt being born an eldian in the continent of marley, his father considered him as some sort of gift, somebody who could bring about their forgiveness and save them (helos is later substituted with reiner, whether this be by canon or my own interpretation). regardless, bertolt pretty much becomes a god in his own right and one could say he eventually takes up the position of the saviour of marley but at the same time the true god of destruction by aiming to bring about the fall of eldia on his mission to reclaim the founding titan (or perhaps, a survival verse). so, in a sense, bertolt is unaware of this god complex/hints of a messiah complex, and unfortunately in canon we are don’t know his or his father’s reaction to finding out helos was an alleged myth, or if bertolt was informed of his self-proclaimed superiority. i also tend to describe this as a delusion; a coping mechanism that allows him to fulfill his savage duty when required.

   if you got to this point, bless your heart.

[teufelme]

happy birthday to my sweet boy.

[teufelme]

if you celebrate, merry christmas! <3

[teufelme]

bertday is close...

[teufelme]

“I cannot remember or recognize myself. I sit up in bed—actually, I lurch in mild sleepy terror toward the vertical. There’s a demon here, one of the unnamed ones, the demon of erasure and forgetting. I can’t manage my way through this feeling because my mind isn’t working, and because it, the flesh in which I’m housed, hasn’t yet become me.”

— The Feast of Love (Charles Baxter)

[teufelme]

which imaginary illness do you have?

shedding. you are losing yourself, bit by bit. your own skin is peeling away, moths forming out of it as you shed more of yourself. your breaths birth hummingbirds and doves as they abate, your fears turning into savage things of teeth and claw. how much more of yourself will you have to grate away until you fit the mold you set yourself today? how much more will have to go tomorrow? how much longer until you've shed too much of yourself - until the pieces you left by the roadside are more than what little you have left?

tagged by. @knifeheld (tysm!) tagging. @dcive (and you reading this!)

[teufelme]

muse demeanor and mannerisms.

bold is for what applies often. italics is for what applies sometimes/in specific circumstances.

tagged by. @theackerwitch (tysm! ♥) tagging. @leadersguilt (all your blogs hehe) and whoever else wants to do this.

eyes. avoids eye contact when nervous, maintains eye contact, avoids eye contact due to being neurodivergent, enjoys eye contact as a means to read and convey emotion, looks down when emotional, looks up when emotional, cries openly, wipes tears quickly, suppresses tears, wandering gaze when lost in thought, holds gaze while thinking, seeks out eye contact for reassurance, seeks out eye contact to gauge enthusiasm during conversations, eyes move constantly during conversation, expressive eyes (despite the blank stares he gives his eyes are quite expressive), emotions only evident through eyes, uses eye contact to intimidate (in rts arc mostly), looks up while thinking, looks down while thinking.

hands. clasps behind back,  rests in lap,  fidgets with clothes,  twiddles thumbs,  chews at nails,  pushes back cuticles,  draws patterns on table/counter surfaces,  animated gestures while speaking (in some scenes and definitely when angry),  only gestures to emphasize,  utilizes sign language,  speaks only through sign,  callouses,  scars, smooth,  wrinkled,  worn,  soft (surprisingly, as any scars or injuries heal themselves with his abilities),  delicate,  boney, slender,  thick,  veiny,  touches others while speaking,  reaches out while laughing,  reaches out to comfort others (sometimes feels he has to, it's part of the act),  reaches out to seek comfort,  places face in hands when exasperated,  places face in hands when exhausted,  places palms over eyes to hide when overwhelmed,  rests chin in hands,  taps fingers when impatient,  taps fingers when nervous,  taps fingers while thinking,  scratches scalp,  strokes chin,  rubs back of head,  toys with objects around them,  runs fingers over surfaces while walking by

mouth. chews lip,  chews at inside of cheek,  licks lips,  bites tongue,  chews on straws,  resting frown,  resting smile,  neutral resting expression,  resting pout,  grinds teeth,  flexes jaw,  covers mouth when laughing,  covers mouth when shocked,  covers mouth when concerned,  hands to lips while thinking,  covers mouth when chewing,  chews with mouth closed,  chews with mouth open,  smirks,  grins,  subtle smiles,  wide smiles,  sad smiles,  intimidating smiles,  menacing grins,  openly smiles,  tries to suppress smiles,  bares teeth when angry,  lips quiver when emotional,  stutters,  speaks quickly,  speaks slowly,  good pronunciation,  poor pronunciation,  moderate pronunciation,  purses lips,  sucks in lips,  holds mouth open when shocked or confused.

legs. bounces leg when 'nervous',  draws knees to chest when sitting,  draws knees to chest as a means of comfort,  sits on knees,  sits with legs criss crossed,  sits with legs spread open in chairs,  crosses legs when sitting in chairs,  sits with one leg folded under the other,  places feet on furniture,  never places feet on furniture,  sits on counters,  sits on desks,  sits on tables,  sits on edge of seat,  sits hunched over with forearms on knees,  arches one knee up,  sits on the arm of chairs/couches,  feet on dashboard,  swings legs back and forth when sitting somewhere elevated,  wiggles toes when nervous,  wiggles toes as a general tick,  shuffles feet,  kicks foot into ground,  stomps feet,  loud footsteps (as the colossus? lol),  quiet footsteps,  silent footsteps.

hair. runs fingers through hair,  tugs at hair,  picks at scalp,  chews on hair,  twists locks of hair while thinking or nervous,  smooths out locks of hair while thinking or nervous,  prefers hair out of face,  prefers long hair,  prefers short hair,  wears hair back,  keeps hair down,  smooths back hair (post timeskip),  plays with other’s hair while talking,  plays with own hair while talking,  strokes hair to 'comfort' others (he would if they were close ig, same with when talking),  likes having hair stroked for their own comfort,  braids others’ hair while talking,  braids own hair while talking,  flips hair out of face,  pushes hair out of face,  leaves hair alone even when falling into face.

[teufelme]

fears.

bold any fears which apply to your muse. italicize what makes them uncomfortable.

the dark ⋆ fire ⋆ open water ⋆ deep water ⋆ being alone ⋆ crowded spaces ⋆ confined spaces ⋆ change ⋆ failure ⋆ war ⋆ loss of control ⋆ powerlessness ⋆ prison ⋆ blood ⋆ drowning ⋆ suffocation ⋆ public speaking ⋆ natural animals ⋆ the supernatural ⋆ heights ⋆ death ⋆ dying ⋆ intimacy ⋆ rejection ⋆ abandonment ⋆ loss ⋆ the unknown ⋆ the future ⋆ not being good enough ⋆ scary stories ⋆ speaking to new people ⋆ poverty ⋆ loud noises ⋆ being touched ⋆ forgetting ⋆ being forgotten ⋆ hospitals

bertolt suffers from thanatophobia, the feeling of dread, apprehension or solicitude when one thinks of the process of their own death/dying, as opposed to necrophobia, which is a specific fear of dead or dying people and/or things. despite his calmness and fearlessness in the face of death and destruction, he is absolutely terrified of dying himself. if he feels as though his life is in danger, he won’t hesitate to act and it is one of the only things that will get him to act.

he also fears failure, namely where his mission is concerned. loss of control when it comes to his fellow agents (particularly his control over reiner) or the direction of the mission also applies (also loss in general).

after being abandoned and left to die in canon, he fears a repeat of said events in survival aus.

tagged by.  taken from my old blog. tagging.   feel free to steal, i'm tagging you if you're reading anyway >:)

[teufelme]

      ❝      i know what you mean, sir.      ❞ respect leads the words that almost catch in his throat. body eases out of its salute / ITS SEMBLANCE / its show. it hadn't been long since he had become a scout (never the plan, what are we doing here?), and even in downtime like this, it was one battle after another. he hears the laughter, partner losing himself to the devils' poisonous ideals, no doubt — not unlike himself, for the same ideals slowly, slowly, slowly take refuge under his skin, weave their way into his nerves, working to leave no corners of his wretched soul untouched / UNTAINTED. ❝      the silence gives you too much room to think.      ❞

      ❝      i'm struggling to sleep at all, lately ... i guess i'm just thinking about home.      ❞      home ... that's all it is.

@teufelme liked it x

"You know, part of me misses staying in the barracks" he mused, looking across at the boys barracks, hearing the laughter coming from it. He walked closer to the young man now, smiling softly, "Sometimes if it's too quiet I struggle to sleep".

[teufelme]

*eye emojis*

[teufelme]

“The burden of sin was another matter: there was a burden and a grievous remembrance, hurt and damage and remorse.”

— Iris Murdoch, from The Philosopher’s Pupil

[teufelme]

戦士 by omiso

[teufelme]

so excited for paths!bertl to be animated.

[teufelme]

hc + rage!!

it appears that these are going to get longer and more meta than hc but hi-de-ho. took the opportunity to touch on bertl's rage/anger and general irritation as a whole!

   i. bertolt’s general irritation usually comes in the form of glares as well as speaking in a calm yet blunt manner when addressed. it's hard to differentiate from his usual taciturnity but the differences are there. those that know him well enough will be able to tell. he may also make snarky comments (in my portrayal at least). they're very quick so once again, coupled with his awkward humour, some may fail to pick up on his tone. an irritated and pouty bertl will avoid eye contact, scrunch his face up, draw down his brows and sometimes sit hugging his knees for comfort, keeping to himself, keeping himself closed off. he may also resign himself to a book, or partake in combat activities (doing push-ups/other general exercises and shooting drills are his favourite ways to de-stress as a cadet. chess also!).

   ii. in terms of anger, this comes primarily in the form of raising his voice and gestures; his fists will bawl up and he will swipe his arms especially if he is making demands or asking questions. pre-rts, if he is to have an outburst, where it's such a rare occurrence, there will be a pounding in his chest and in his head which may leave him disorientated. his chest will feel tight and his voice may rasp and crack (we see this in cott arc when bertolt is confronted by his comrades not too long after his revelation as the colossus titan). bertolt also has a tendency to curse either out loud or to himself when he's angry/irritated, particularly post-reveal. i cannot remember what translation of the manga it was but he explains that he is going to kill ‘[you] sons of bitches’ (referencing the 104th). whether or not this is regarded as a canon translation and, despite my interpretation that bertolt is usually a polite individual when it comes to speaking, i like to keep this in mind.

   iii. the first time we really see him fly into a fit of blind rage is in cott arc when armin mentions annie being tortured. it's the first time we see him raise his voice in the way that he does, as well as seeing him insulting and, as a human, preparing to attack one of his former friends. it will even get to a point whereby he no longer cares about the safety of reiner and annie (though this could have been seen as a cover-up so that his former comrades couldn't lower his guard). something to note that i find interesting: in rts arc his rage is so much more calm and controlled than it is in cott arc. his eyes are blanked out to show that, to the main cast, he is a completely different person; no longer meek and hesitant but now somebody self-assured, somebody cold and focused. this type of rage is also how it would present itself in the majority of my survival verses (albeit rare as he is very distant and almost numb when it comes to emotions).

@dcive   re.   headcanon prompts! 

[teufelme]

#𝐓𝐄𝐔𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐌𝐄   ———   an independent, private and selective roleplay blog for bertolt hoover of hajime isayama's 進撃の巨人 (shingeki no kyojin). 𝗣𝗢𝗥𝗧𝗥𝗔𝗬𝗔𝗟 𝗜𝗦 𝗖𝗔𝗡𝗢𝗡-𝗗𝗜𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗚𝗘𝗡𝗧 & 𝗛𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗖𝗔𝗡𝗢𝗡 𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗘𝗗. written by angel, 26, she/her.  mobile links. read my rules before following. triggering content will be present ... death and gore, biblical and satanic imagery, fictional racism, suicide mentions. please be cautious when choosing to follow. ©

a testament to ...   a boy catastrophe, doomed to destruction, consumed by his sins, one third of a triptych of death, PLAYING THE ROLE, setting forth misfortune, the meek becoming the bold, growing cold to survive this cruel world.

infiltrating paradis with ... @dcive. affiliates ...   @leadersguilt, @reapinghook

blogroll ...   @plege​​ (marco),  @kampfen​ (multi),  @oneheer​​ (levi)

[teufelme]

After a lot of struggles with Itunes Japan, I present to you: the full Alternative Drive!

[teufelme]

send me  ‘ hc ‘  + a word and i’ll write a headcanon about it regarding my character.