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[textsidsendbutcant]

Cade-

4/22/18

10:16 PM

So after cade texting me that he missed me, I went off on him and he ended up apologizing because HE WAS SLEEPING NEXT TO CELINE when he texted me that he missed me. Like what a dick. It was overwhelming but I’m so numb to that situation. Honestly. It doesn’t even make me that mad anymore because it’s what I expect from him. 

However, I got really drunk yesterday and he was texting me all day and i asked him to call, and he did. surprisingly. We talked for like over an hour about everything going on. He told me he’s going to break things off with her for the summer because he can’t stop thinking about me with her. I mean it takes some serious feelings to text your ex that you miss them when your laying next to someone new. 

Whatever, I’m trying not to put too much thought into it. As much as I miss him like crazy, I don’t want to rely on him. Because, well, he’s unreliable. I never know what he’s truly feeling. He has such a hard time being honest. I am going to focus on me, and he can keep missing me as much as he wants. I’m not giving in. At least not immediately. 

We keep talking about hangout, and I am going for sure. Theres no way in hell that I’m not. He wants to go too, especially now that I keep talking about it. So maybe we can go there and fall in love again and be all dramatic like we always are at festivals together. who knows. Or maybe he’ll flake and I’ll meet someone new and not stress over boys who act like they care but actually don’t. 

It just stresses me out because when we talk it’s so good. It’s like old times, and we laugh at the dumbest shit. In those moments, I am just happy. Then, when it passes, I’m just bitter because I feel like i’ve been deprived of that REAL kind of connection for so long. Why does it take him to really fuck up, or for me to start really pulling away, for him to come back to me. For him to only THEN realize I'm what he wants. It keeps messing with my emotions, but I think I still love him so I keep playing a long. 

This all just annoys me. I need to see him, so I can read his body language, because over the phone I can never read how he’s feeling...

[textsidsendbutcant]

Dear Cade,

(i realize i never put dates, so i’m going to start w that)

4/20/18

2:26 A.M.

So you texted me. I wanted to call you the weekend before and you were really cold towards me. That really upset me and so I kept telling myself, LET HIM TEXT YOU FIRST. Then i found out you deleted our new years pic together. That shit hurted. SO i was really thinking you moved on. It hurt for a little bit, but I got over it. I am seeing other people, putting myself out there, making friends. Then i’m cracked out on aderall and you snapchat me YOU MISS ME? what the fuck. and of course my initial response was snarky but then I freaked on you. you didn’t reply, even though i responded three minutes after you sent it. your phone was going straight to voicemail. Usually when you say you miss me, i get happy and excited. I feel better about me missing you all the time. But not tonight. maybe its the medicine, maybe its the birth control. Maybe its just who i am now...but I got MAD. Like pissed. Why do you just pop in. And not even just pop in, like randomly text and then just don’t respond. 

Everything about you is so sketchy. I don’t like you anymore. There’s not air of positivity or happiness around you. I still love you and would do anything for you, but you just remind me of all the bad times now. Your presence has morphed into sad memories, and anxiety, and fighting, and cheating and hurt feelings. 

I don’t know how to not think of you that way, other than over time. I’m trying to let you mature. I’m trying to let us move on to see if we come back to each other or not. BUT YOU WONT LEAVE ME ALONE. summer is in 3-4 weeks. Can he not just stay in his lane. There’s nothing to be done now. He’s already caused enough damage and i’m over it. 

I miss him like crazy though. There are so many things I want to tell him. So much shit is going on and I don’t know how much I should even say. I just honestly don’t think I should tell him the deep shit. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I want to always have back up plans and people on the back burner. I want to never get hurt by this asshole again. He has caused too much heart ache for me to be happy with him. 

Honestly, I’m just going to focus on me, and not get invested. I’m going to workout and work and go to school, and remember MY GOALS. This time is all about ME. and MY HAPPINESS. this summer is all about WHAT I WANT. last summer was so hard with him and I am just excited for boat days, and seeing my friends, and relaxing. UGH FUCK YES. 

things i want to tell him. 

I miss you being my friend more than anything. I obviously miss the sex but not as much as your companionship. I think that says a lot about how I’ve changed. or maybe our sex is just ruined for me tbh. I got two kittens. On a complete whim. I needed love and affection, and theyre precious. Their names are oscar and olivia (but we call her olive). Grace was super against it, and bitched me out, and now she loves them almost more than me. But she's not the one cleaning up after them....yet. We’re keeping them there over the summer. 

I’ve also been doing coke..kind of a lot. I like it a little too much. It just makes me wanna talk forever and idk. Just really boosts my mood. I have it under control and I don't think i’d ever buy it. 

The reason i wouldn’t buy it, is because my aderall does the same thing. PS. i now have aderall prescribed to me and grace is a fucking fiend. I wish she didn’t know i had it but there wasn’t a way around it. Its annoying. 

I miss cuddling with you and random hotel nights. I miss making jokes and talking about our futures and traveling. I still dream about you almost every night. 

I think i told you i bought a juul. I’m obsessed of course. I have a little case for it on my phone and everything.  

I’m feeling so much better about Ole Miss. I am a little too excited about finding my people and finding friends of my own....it’s weird. I think its strange I'm hanging out with people I've met outside of grace. I love it. 

I’ve had a couple break downs about Grace, because I know somethings coming. I can feel it stirring, and I think either over the summer, or right after she graduates, she's gonna go crazy again and it terrifies me. The thought of losing my sister makes ME not want to live. Even though she can be a cunt, i don’t think i can live without her. I get these dreams/visions of it sometimes and i wake up in such a panic. My new friends make fun of how much I track her and talk to her. A lot of them don’t know the reasons why, because who wants that burden on them? right? lol

Like when people have found out, its just a shit show. They just feel bad and try to “relate”. And its just a very unique and strange situation. I just get annoyed with help...so now i just don't ask for any.

Also, before you snapped me, i was organizing all of my spotify playlists and me and you are on the cover of my voodoo 2016 playlist. That truly was the best times of my life. 

However, I keep thinking about something that I need to mention that has really hurt me ever since I came to this realization. When you did acid at voodoo in 2016, I catered to you. I realized you were out of it. No matter how embarrassing shit got, no matter what crazy things or requests you were making, I did it. I was trying to make you comfortable and realized you were fucked up. However, this past voodoo, when I was blackout and doing a bunch of apparently “crazy shit” you were mean to me...because “I wouldn't remember” Those were your words, not mine. That really hurts me, knowing that if I’m in need and it’s an inconvenience to you, you’re not going to do it for me. I told you so many times that I was going to pass out and you didn’t do anything about it. You weren’t sweet or compassionate. You were just mad i was messing up “your good time”. I don’t know how to deal with that or what to even do with this information, other than to just tell you that its how I feel. 

Anyways, I do want to catch up. I hope we can be civil and hangout this summer. However, I don’t think I want to do that whole act like we’re dating but not dating thing. I want the freedom to do what I want. I don’t want to hookup and get back to where we started. I just need to be single,but I wouldn’t mind being friends with you. 

But i do miss you....

[textsidsendbutcant]

dear cade

it’s 12:07 at night on a sunday. I’m missing you, like i do every night at this time, and i’m just a little sad. Not like crazy. i’m not crying and believe it or not, it’s all getting better. the pain and my wounds are healing. However, because i’ve known how good love can be, there’s a whole. I have this whole inside my body that’s just collecting dust and causes me occasional little pains. i’m praying that i won’t always carry this emptiness with in me. but once you know what’s out there, how can you fill that desire. i think it’d be best to just express what i’m feeling.

Quite frankly. i wish our situation was different. if i could have anything right now? It would be our relationship on the beach with our friends. I miss everyone and i miss everyone getting along. I felt like in that week i KNEW that the trip was going to be one of the most memorable times in my childhood.

I miss you. I miss the love you used to have for me. I miss that feeling of acceptance and want and being desired. It really does something to someone when you know that someone you find worthy or valuable, also finds those things in you. Reciprocated feelings are magical. Truly the closest thing we have to magic in this world.

I miss how we used to be. I miss how you used to look at me. I hate that you only love me when i’m happy and when i’m doing good. The thing that doesn’t make me good though, is you. So it’s this viscous cycle. You stop wanting me because i’m sad, and then I leave you and get better and then you SEE i’m doing better and reach out and try to act all friendly again which makes me sad again and it’s a vicious cycle. I want to kill you but fuck you at the same time. I wish you hadn’t hurt me so deep. I miss you but I miss who you used to be. I don’t like this new boy. I don’t like this new cade that lies all the time and doesn’t love me at whatever place i’m at. But who knows? maybe this was you all along...

[textsidsendbutcant]

all i want to do is text cade and tell him i miss him. i miss blowing him (lol) i miss sex with him. i miss talking to him about the future and i miss just venting to him about life. i miss hearing about what he’s up to. this is all just so hard. fuck i’m still so in love with him. i’m so very drunk and i WISHH he was just home to hold me and sleep with me. i want him to give me head in a comfortable bed. i miss sucking him off. everything is sad right now. i’m in bed. drunk as FUCK. i’ve thrown up so much and i just miss him. i know i shouldn’t text him. but i want to

[textsidsendbutcant]

to: me

breathe and realize you’re not in danger. there is no need to make a quick decision. talk to cade before you block him. that’s the rule. he has to call you and talk on the phone before you block him.

but. if he doesn’t intend on being better, don’t be afraid to cut him off. you don’t NEED anyone. especially someone who brings so much negativity and sadness. when things are good, they are so good, but they haven’t been in a while and it’s really wearing you down. you don’t deserve to feel humiliated and led on and filled with empty promises of the “future”. he may grow up, but the cade he is right now. it’s not for you. be happy and grow for you. don’t have a new years kiss? so fucking what? don’t have anyone to spend valentine with? SO WHAT. there’s a time in your life where you’ll have a gaurenteed partner for all of these things. and so why rush? be open to relationships but if it’s not working, why force it?

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

REMEBER WHO THE HELL YOU ARE? YOU ARE WORTHY OF FRIENDS AND HAPINESS AND CONNECTIONS!!! YOU ARE SUCH A LIGHT AND YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE PEOPLE POURING INTO YOUR LIFE

you’ve got some serious growth to experience🌱

[textsidsendbutcant]

cade

i’m disrespected and i’m sad. i’m telling you you’re hurting me and you don’t care. you check out. you don’t even open my snap chat and then you SNAP ALLYSON FIRST you asshole. i’m done. i️m not gonna commit to you if you’re not gonna commit to me. “friends who are there for each other” HA you are the shittiest friend i️ have. no one else treats me like this. the only thing that keeps me going is the sex and physical connection. you haven’t ever been man enough to treat me right. not even from the beginning of our relationship have you EVER been honest. i️ can’t trust you and i️ don’t know if i ever will. especially if you never try

[textsidsendbutcant]

to: him

thank you for interrupting me and not caring if i at least finished my thought. i know you’re stressed. i know you have your shit. but i’ve got mine too. i exist outside of your phone. i’m my own person and have my own world and my own things i would like to vent about. thanks for asking about my day or what i’ve been up to. thank you for mailing my card today. thank you for getting that package from the mail center. if the worst thing happening to you in school is that you have to take 1 summer class, it’s not the end of the world.

get over yourself and SEE ME. SEE THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU AND HOW IM HERE WHENEVER YOU NEED. ALWAYS ANSWERING THE PHONE AND TAKING CARE OF YOU TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. YOURE PUSHING ME TO A POINT I REALLY DONT WANT TO GET TO. idk if you’re testing how much i’ll do for you no matter how little you put in, but i’m very close to my breaking point. i would like some appreciation. and i want to send you these paragraphs. i want to just scream and yell and honestly punch you in the face. but i’m not. i’m not sending any of these words or thoughts. rather i’m just going to say nothing. which i think speaks volumes of where this “relationship” is headed.

[textsidsendbutcant]

i hate how often i look for validation

[textsidsendbutcant]

to: you it's like you died. i don't even want to say we are broken up bc you are not there anymore. the boy i (thought) i knew....he no longer exists. he is gone and has died. there is now a new boy who has taken your place. same name, new friends, new place. I guess this was the easiest way...your new start. I hope this is exactly everything you ever wanted...because it's not what i wanted. nothing that i wanted. at. all.

[textsidsendbutcant]

him

That was the last straw. yeah i may still hangout with you a little before we leave but honestly... this situation just showed me where you put me. us. in your mind. i am not something on a checklist. i'm not constantly upset over nothing. you've turned into this shitty guy that i hate. I HATE YOU. I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO. why do you not make me happy anymore? is this really over? i feel like i know it is. but something keeps me holding onto nothing.

[textsidsendbutcant]

to: You

i think that our love hasn't worked for several reasons. but the main one being, fear has always been the root of your love. the times you've been closest to me and wanting me to be yours, was solely out of fear of me being with someone else. you also have a fear of being alone...

[textsidsendbutcant]

6:22 pm // to- You

i know i blocked you and i need space but here it is. i miss you. always. but right now. i'm really missing the physical side of you i wish you were laying in this bed with me to take a nap. i want to be laying here and then you holding me and just talking about life and the world and the future and what you dream of. i want to be spooning and then subtly started grinding into you while you pretend to be annoyed by it. i crave you kissing my neck and your hands roaming my body aimlessly. FUCK THIS HURTS i physically need you so bad. i want to just have music playing and i want to just hangout and relaxx i just want to make you happy and i want to be there with you. I FUCKING MISS YOU SO MICH THAT IT HURTS AND IM PUSHING IT AWAY AND TRYING TO ACT LIKE ITS ALL OKAY BUT HEY. NEWSLFASH IM sooooooooo NOT OKAY. you should be hanging out with me in your underwear. watching spongebob and cuddling and just hooking up randomly with no cares about the world. like kid nap me and just take me away for two or three days and so i can just relax and talk to you and just be your friend. i'm so uptight when i get around our friends at times. i get so focused on you and get mad when i don't get your full attention and i'm working on that. but come on. just fucking give into me this time. surprise me and come see me. we could be in hawaii together in like less than two weeks asshole. everything is so hard why.

[textsidsendbutcant]

to: you

it's 1:52 am. i can't sleep and all i can think about if you sleeping next to me. i want to cuddle you so bad and kiss a ton but i don't know if i'm going to let you do that while you're home. my parents are right, i shouldn't pick you up from the airport. i am too available. but at least i acknowledge my accessibility. as hard as i try, i'm always going to be a, "treat other people how you wish to be treated" kind of person. which isn't always a good thing. i've tried to treat you like you treat me and it always makes me feel like shit after. do you feel that way all the time? full of guilt and uneasy? i can't imagine a life filled with that. you need to get your stuff together and i do too. bc i still want you and this. i think you've settled with the image of us not dating. you are fine with it and i'm not. this home visit is going to determine wether i am okay with it or not and my next move. so as of right now, all i can do is wait for you to come home and get my own things together. gather my thoughts and feelings and just hope for the best

[textsidsendbutcant]

to: you

i can't see myself not hooking up with you when you're here. that's fucked because you don't deserve me. you don't deserve shit

[textsidsendbutcant]

to: you

even through all the shit, i still want you. how fucked? i guess i crave unhealthy relationships and being treated like shit🙃