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[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 2

Chapter 8: Flee

I held my face in my palms and caught my tears. Panic attacks kept me up the night before.

Carl stood by the door. "Is it your mom or what happened last night?"

"Both," I said. "We're all gonna wind up like them. We're losing too many people. We're not gonna be able to come back from it."

He was silent for a moment. "It's my fault he's gone. I saw the walker who killed him, and I did nothing about it. I didn't kill it when I should've."

"It's not your fault, Carl. We all thought we could rest here, that this place could be safe. Then something happened. It always will. There's no escaping it. The people telling us to have hope are gonna lose it themselves. Dale cared about us. He helped take care of us when nobody else could. But he had hope; and now he's gone."

...................................................................

The front door swung open as the group brought their bags into the house.

Andrea pat my head. "I'm taking the corner over there. You can sleep on that couch next to me."

"Maggie said I could sleep in her room," I said.

She walked into the kitchen. "You gave her a room before asking me first?" she asked Maggie.

"I'm just trying to help you," Maggie said.

"Help me?"

"Do you have any idea how many times she's had to ask where you were? Her mom died, and you left her. Carl got shot, and you weren't here. You were sitting on top of the RV with a bottle of wine, like you're above it all, but you're not."

Andrea scoffed. "If you had any idea about the shit I've been through—"

"You were gone too many times. She's been through enough. You asked Glenn to keep an eye on her. Maybe that was supposed to stop when you got here. But it didn't. You wanna watch after her, start acting like it."

...................................................................

I tossed and turned in the bed and stared into the dark room, unable to close my eyes. I heard the door of Lori and Carl's room open, and someone walk downstairs. I slid out of bed and tried not to wake Maggie up. I cracked open the door, walked into Carl's room, and laid next to him.

When I opened my eyes, he wasn't there. I ran down the stairs. "I don't know where Carl is. He must've gotten out when I was asleep."

"What?" Lori asked before running up the stairs.

Most of the adults were outside.

Andrea saw me from out the door and hurried to me. "It's gonna be okay."

I tilted my head at her, then moved closer to the window. At least fifty walkers were headed straight towards us, towards the barn.

My heart dropped in my chest. "What are we gonna do?"

"Stay inside. We're gonna shoot them away."

Lori ran down the stairs frantically, saying she couldn't find Carl.

Andrea hurried out the door.

"I need to go with you!" I said.

She turned towards me and shook her head.

"I can't stand by while this is happening! I have to see it! I have to help!"

...................................................................

The porch was crowded with most of the group. I measured the distance from the start of the closest walkers to the two trees on the left side of the barn. They were getting closer.  Maggie handed out guns to everyone, except me.

"I know how to shoot. Let me," I said.

Andrea kissed my forehead. "No. It's dark, not this time. Be our set of eyes, okay? I need you to stay here with Lori."

I teared up. "I wanna come with you."

Maggie knelt in front of me. "We'll be back for you, okay?"

Glenn pat my shoulder. "We'll be back soon."

...................................................................

I paced around the living room. The gunshots were continuous. Beth and Patricia moved the blinds to look out the window. Orange light shone through.

"The barn's on fire," Beth said.

"They're headed for it," Patricia said.

I stopped in my tracks. My chest tightened. I ran up the stairs and entered Carl's room. His binoculars sat on the windowsill. I aimed them towards the barn. Walkers huddled together outside it, surrounded by the fire. Fifty became a hundred. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my fists. A yell erupted through my chest, making my back shake. Tears fled over my cheeks and I pointed my head towards the ceiling.

"Mallory!"

...................................................................

I almost slipped on the mud. The fire warmed me, and I smelled the smoke from the leaves.  Maggie held my hand and ran beside me. Glenn waved his arms outside the green car.

"The others are still there!" I yelled.

Hershel stood on the porch and continued to shoot the walkers.

Maggie attempted to get his attention. "Dad?! Dad!"

"Come on!" Glenn yelled.

...................................................................

I held onto the back of the passenger's seat as the swerving of the car jerked me around. Walkers piled on top of the windshield and grabbed the side windows.

"I can't get through," Maggie cried.

Glenn was silent for a minute. "Head out."

"What?"

"Get off the farm, now."

A thud sounded against my window. Walkers tried to break the glass with their hands. One of their faces moved into the center, and they tried to grasp the outside.  I protected my head with my hands and ducked. Maggie screamed. The car moved backwards.

...................................................................

We drove through the woods away from the farm.

"What if Carl winds up like Sophia?" I asked.

"He won't," Glenn said.

"No one knew where he was --"

"He'll be fine," he said. "Let's just circle back to the highway."

"We need to go back for the others. I thought they could still defend it... We need to go back for them. Did they make it?" Maggie cried.

"I don't know," Glenn said.

"Patricia, Jimmy... What if they didn't make it? What if nobody made it?"

"They made it, okay? They had to."

...................................................................

We arrived at the jam of cars, where we used to leave supplies for Sophia. Hershel and Rick smiled at us as we pulled in. Carl ran towards the car and I opened the door to meet him.

I hugged him. "Where'd you go?"

"I went to find my dad," he said.

"We're supposed to stick together. I could've gone with you."

"Where's the rest of us?" Daryl asked.

"We're the only ones who made it so far," Rick said.

I looked around. "Where's Andrea?"

"She saved me, then I lost her," Carol said.

"We saw her go down." T-Dog leaned against one of the cars, and gave a look of sympathy.

Lori asked about Shane, and Rick said he didn't make it out either. Beth cried onto Hershel's shoulder over the loss of Jimmy and Patricia, who died too. My eyes became blurry, and Maggie wrapped her arm around me.

"I'm gonna go back," Daryl said.

"No," Rick said.

"We can't just leave her."

"We don't even know if she's there," Lori said.

"She isn't there. She isn't. She's somewhere else, or she's dead. There's no way to find her," Rick said.

"So we're not even gonna look for her?" Glenn asked.

"We gotta keep moving. There have been walkers crawling all over here."

"We need to go back and find my aunt. We can't just drive away without her!" I cried.

"It's not safe. I'm sorry."

...................................................................

I smoothed the crinkly leaves in between my fingers. The fire did its best to keep us warm, but even though I wore a thick jacket, I couldn't stop shivering. My stomach hurt from hunger. Crickets chirped in between the bushes and howling sounded, probably from an owl. It was too dark to see more than a few feet beyond us.

"We need to leave. What are we waiting for?" Carol asked.

"The last thing we need is for everyone to be running off in the dark," Rick said. "We don't have the vehicles. No one's travelling on foot."

"Don't panic," Hershel said.

"I'm not," Maggie said. "I'm not sitting here, waiting for another herd to blow through."

Rick scrunched his face. "No one is going anywhere."

"Do something," Carol told him.

"I am doing something! I'm keeping this group together, alive. I've been doing that all along, no matter what. I didn't ask for this! I killed my best friend for you people, for Christ's sake!"

The leaves fell out of my hand, and my mouth opened wide. Rick killed Shane.

"You saw what he was like. How he pushed me. How he compromised us. How he threatened us. He gave me no choice! He was my friend, but he came after me. My hands are clean."

Carl sobbed. Lori rocked him in her arms.

"Maybe you people are better off without me. Go ahead. I say there's a place for us, but maybe — maybe it's just another pipe-dream. Maybe I'm fooling myself again. Why don't you — why don't you go out there and find out yourself? Send me a postcard. Go on. There's the door. You can do better? Let's see how far you get. No takers? Fine. But get one thing straight. You're staying, this isn't a democracy anymore."

Everyone was silent. They stared at Rick with more fear than they've ever looked at a walker with. Could we still trust him? Would he get us killed? Would he kill us himself? If we lost our leader, we'd have to fend for ourselves.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 2

Chapter 7: Jurisprudence

Sophia, or what used to be, laid face-down on the dirt. Thin, ratted hair covered the blood on her face. I sat with my legs crossed in front of her.

Andrea evened out a blanket and covered her with it. "We'll pray for her. Pray she gets to Heaven. I know she will. She was such a sweetheart."

I stared at the covered body. "What if I die like her? What if Phoebe did?"

"You've gotta be brave. You know how to use a gun, and that's a good thing. She didn't. God gave us tools to keep us safe. But we've gotta meet Him halfway. These things... they're curses from Satan, and God wants us to protect ourselves from them. Your mom would be so proud of you. After everything that's happened, you didn't get weak. You grew stronger."

I questioned whether what she said was bullshit. "How do you know God's real after this?"

"Of course He is. I think I've changed for the worse because of everything. And I'm sorry for all of it. But I think you've changed for the better."

...................................................................

I sat in the living room chair, and Carl sat in the one beside me.

"Sophia didn't know how to survive yet," he said. "She was scared. Which is why we can't be. Shane did the right thing. Walkers aren't people. We need to be as strong as him and my dad."

"So Sophia's not a person anymore?"

"If a walker headed towards you, or my parents, or Shane, I'd shoot it. Even if it was Sophia."

"What if we can't stop it?"

"We need to know how to take care of ourselves. Sophia waited for help, but it never came. We need to be able to take care of ourselves. So if we're ever alone, we'd be okay."

...................................................................

The next morning:

Carl and I spent the night in the RV. Hershel went missing the night before. Beth went into shock and was put on bedrest. We were told soon after to stay in the RV and not come in the house. I knew Maggie was stressed due to her and Beth's father being missing, that Beth tried to kill herself, and that Lori and Andrea yelled at each other, but the adults tried to shield us from seeing anything else. When Rick and Glenn went to find Hershel, they returned with a hostage they found on the road. The group decided to keep him as a prisoner in the barn.

I laid my head on the table, unable to have gotten much sleep the night before.

Carl stood near the cabinets. "I'm gonna sneak in there, see the guy for myself."

I lifted my head and squinted at him.

"You don't have to go, you can stay here."

"This is gonna end badly, Carl," I said.

I sat in the back of the truck; within seeing distance from the barn. Andrea kept watch outside the barn with Shane, making sure the hostage didn't escape.

"You comfortable in there? How about you go in the house? We got things covered. Thank you for keeping an extra eye out, though," she told me.

"What are you gonna do with the guy?" I asked.

She said something to Shane, then walked up to me. "Well, I think he's dangerous and we should get rid of him. He shouldn't be here, with the chance of putting you, or any of us in danger. But the adults are gonna have a meeting later to vote on it. And you can listen in if you want."

...................................................................

Maggie and Hershel sat beside me on the couch. The rest of the group stood around us, except for Carl, because Lori didn't allow him to join the meeting.

"If anybody wants the floor before we make a final decision, now's the chance," Rick said.

I took a deep breath. "He's a threat. And we have to get rid of threats."

Dale shook his head. "What are we teaching the kids? What are we teaching them, for them to vouch for killing an innocent man?"

"I have just as much to say as everybody else," I said.

...................................................................

It was dark. I stood next to Carl, behind the barn door that was cracked open.

"It's all gonna be over soon. Relax."

The man cried and pleaded. Shane shushed him. Rick prepared his gun. Daryl stood in front of the hostage with confidence.

"Would you like to stand or kneel?" Rick asked him.

Shane kicked the sobbing man to his knees and nodded at Rick.

"Do you have any final words?" Rick asked.

Carl moved in front of the door. "Do it, Dad. Do it."

Shane held his arms down by his sides and stomped over to us. "What are you doing here? Are you kidding me? What did I say to you?"

Rick stared at us in silence, then moved the gun away from the man's face. "Take him away."

Shane banged against the barn door in frustration.

Rick led Carl and I back to the tents.

Maggie stood in front of me and looked at Rick. "Where'd she go?"

"They followed us," he said.

Andrea stood in front of Maggie and bowed to my level. "Why'd you do that without telling me first? I didn't know where you were." She looked at Rick. "Did she see you kill him?"

"No, I... I didn't kill him."

"What?"

Maggie took my hand. "Let's go inside."

When we reached the porch, a scream sounded from the field.

"What was that? What happened? What happened?" Glenn yelled.

"I don't know, go!" Maggie yelled.

"Help! Over here! Help! Run!"

My face heated, and I turned towards Maggie. "Is that Daryl? Where's Andrea?"

We ran towards the field. Dale laid in the middle of the grass. His stomach was torn open. He gurgled, and his gaze was stuck towards the sky.

"We have to do the operation here. Glenn, get back to the house," Rick said.

Hershel shook his head. "Rick..."

"No!"

I cried onto Andrea's shoulder. Dale groaned in pain. He couldn't make eye contact anymore and didn't understand what was going on.

Andrea sobbed and held my face with her hands. "He's suffering. Do something!"

Daryl stood over him and lifted his gun. "Sorry, brother."

The gunshot caused a moment of deafness and a pain in my ears.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 2

Chapter 6: Childproof

Tears chilled my face and sweat stuck to my back as I sat on the counter. My legs ached and felt like they were going to fall off. I closed my eyes, and my back trembled as I exhaled. I blacked out. I brought myself back. "I—is Carl gonna die?"

"We're gonna do everything we can, honey, okay?" When the woman finished scanning me for scratches, cuts, or bites, she handed me a glass of water. "My name's Maggie."

My arm shook, and I almost dropped the glass. I held it close to my mouth and felt sick to my stomach. "My mom just died. Carl's gonna die..." My brain didn't register the words that left my mouth.

I pushed myself off the counter when I heard Carl scream from the other room.

The strangers circled around the bed as Carl sobbed in agony.

The old man looked to Shane. "You! Hold him down."

Shane knelt by the side of the bed and held Carl down by his chest. His stomach was opened, and blood sat on top of it. The old man scraped his insides. Carl's cry for help was continuous. I tried to move away from the door, but my legs locked in place. I was conscious, but as good as blacked out, and the scene knocked the wind out of me. Maggie placed her hand on the top of my head, then moved to the bed to help.

"STOP! YOU'RE KILLING HIM!" Rick shouted.

"Rick! Do you want him to live?"

"He needs blood," Maggie said.

"DO IT NOW!" Shane yelled.

The old woman stuck a needle in Rick's arm. Carl went quiet, then fell asleep.

Shane shook his head and tapped Carl's arm. "Wait, what, is he?"

"He just passed out." The old man used a metal tool to pull a tiny bullet fragment out of him. "One down. Five to go."

...................................................................

That night:

The Monopoly board and cards were laid on the table. I pretended like I knew the instructions; but was tired and slow. I leaned my face into my fist. "If we're all gonna die, what's the point?"

"We're not gonna die," Glenn said. "We've lost people. A lot of them. People important to us. But we can't give up. Things are scary now, but we keep fighting, because they didn't get to. Your mom told you to be strong. You've gotta stand by that. We could be the ones to see when things get better."

"Does Andrea even know about Carl?" I asked.

"She knew finding Sophia was important to your mom. That's why she's out there. She knows you're safe. She asked me to keep an eye on you, so that's what I'm gonna do."

...................................................................

The next morning:

I crossed my legs on the chair by the kitchen table, and drank a glass of tea that Patricia, the old woman and accidental shooter's wife made. It was bitter, but the thought of water bored me. The shooter was named Otis. He stepped up and accepted the blame, and went out with Shane the night before to get medical supplies. Shane came back, but a walker attacked Otis on the run. Patricia tried to keep herself busy so she wouldn't go mad.

The front door opened.

"Mallory?"

I didn't respond.

"Mallory, honey?" Andrea walked into the kitchen. "Oh, thank God."

I crossed my arms and wouldn't take my eyes off the table. "So I guess Sophia's more important than me."

"What?"

"My mom just died yesterday. Then my friend got shot, pretty soon after. He could die. He probably will. You didn't maybe wanna be here with me, for that?"

She was silent.

"Don't act like you care about me."

...................................................................

The lamp on the night-stand shone in the dark room. I sat beside Carl's bed and folded my hands on my lap. "You have to get better, Carl. You have to. After all the people that... You were always there, after Phoebe and my dad weren't, when Andrea wasn't. For a while after my mom... The only thing that's always been there was you. I don't have anyone else. We need to fight, I know that. But I can't do that without you."

...................................................................

2 days later:

I dug into the mud with my fingers. The tall grass itched my legs and gave them red spots. Carl sat next to me, and the chickens clucked inside the barn shed behind us. I unwrapped a Mounds bar, and Carl tore a piece off of it.

"Did you think I wasn't gonna make it?" he asked.

"Everything that's happened... it's like my mind's starting to react less and less to stuff. I don't wanna say I've gotten used to things... but maybe I have. I'm never gonna see Phoebe and my dad again, even if they're alive. I know that now. With everyone else, it was quick. It was done. After my aunt, I learned not to even guess about it. But with you, seeing you on the bed, still breathing after you were shot... When Hershel kept trying to save you but couldn't say whether or not it would work... It drove me crazy not knowing. It kept lingering on and on. I knew I couldn't lose you, but waiting to hear whether or not I would... it was hard."

"I never got to tell you that I'm sorry about your mom. I was fine, I am now. We are gonna find your dad and Phoebe. We're gonna find Sophia too. We're gonna stay here. We're your family now."

...................................................................

I laid in the hammock near the tree and was still enough to keep it steady.

Andrea walked over to me. "Sit up. We should be safe here, but in case something comes, you need to be at the right angle."

I ignored her and kept swinging.

"How do you feel about going to gun training with us? Maybe even owning one?" she asked.

I stared into the empty sky that was dark enough not to blind me. "It's necessary. So I will."

"Carl's going with us. He'll protect you," she said, poking fun at me.

...................................................................

The next day:

I sat at the table next to Carl, Rick, and Lori, in front of the big tree. Carol cooked us eggs and sausage over the fire. Andrea sharpened her knife.

Glenn stood in front of us and hesitated. "Um, guys... so..."

We stared at him and waited for him to spit it out.

"The barn is full of walkers."

...................................................................

Shane ran to the porch. He carried a stash of guns, and handed one to each of the adults. Carl and I hurried down the steps. 

Lori stepped in front of Shane to stop him. "Rick said no guns, this is not your call. This is not your decision to make."

"Give Mallory a gun. She needs one," Andrea told him.

I took the gun with both hands.

T-Dog looked out into the distance. "Oh, shit."

Hershel, Jimmy, and Rick had walkers attached to poles, and walked them like dogs on a leash. Shane ran towards them. Lori held Carl and I back, while the rest of the adults followed him. Shane yelled at Rick and Hershel, trying to stop the parade. The fighting escalated. Lori, Carl, and I ran towards the group.

"Talk about what, Rick?" Shane said. "These things ain't sick. They're not people. They're dead! Ain't gotta feel nothing for them 'cause all they do, they kill! These things right here, they're the things that killed Amy! That killed Krista! They killed Otis! They're gonna kill all of us." He pulled out his gun. "Hey Hershel man, let me ask you something. Could a living, breathing person, could they walk away from this?" He shot the walker attached to Hershel's pole. The walker swung back, unaffected.

"Stop it!" Rick yelled.

"That's three rounds in the chest. Could someone who's alive, could they just take that? Why is it still coming?" He shot it again. "That's its heart, its lungs. Why is it still coming?!"

I ran to Glenn and Maggie. Maggie looked at the ground, unable to watch. She moved me behind her.

"Shane, enough!" Rick yelled.

"Yeah, you're right, man. That is enough." Shane moved close enough to the walker to shoot it in the head. It finally stopped. "Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's gone! Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us! Now if y'all wanna live, if you wanna survive, you've gotta fight for it! I'm talking about fighting right here, right now." He ran towards the barn and banged against the door with his axe.

"No, Shane. Do not do this, brother! Wait!" Rick yelled. "Please! This is not the way! Please!"

"Don't do it!" Glenn yelled.

"Rick!" Lori yelled.

The door opened, and the walkers fled through. One with blue overalls was the first to walk out. Andrea ran to the front of the barn with her gun, and Daryl and T-Dog followed. The walkers' heads splattered like paint cans.

"Maggie..." Glenn cried.

Maggie cried and gave him a nod. "It's okay."

He ran to help. I got my gun ready and began to follow him.

Maggie grabbed me. "No! Stay here."

The gunshots turned into an explosion. The walkers stopped coming. Shane turned his head to look at Rick. Maggie held onto Hershel's shoulders and cried as he stared in shock.

They aimed their guns again. I recognized Sophia's tennis shoes. She bowed her head, covered her face, then stared at us, scrunching her face and growling. Her eyes were dimmed out. Her skin was pale and brownish from dirt. Blood was speckled on her face and shoulders. Carol ran for her and cried her name, and Daryl caught her. Rick moved closer to her and aimed his gun. Maggie covered my eyes. A gunshot sounded.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 1

Chapter 5: Save Them (pt 2)

After about an hour of resting in the church, we sat on a log and waited for directions about how to find Sophia. Rick and Shane talked in private.

Shane walked towards us. "Y'all gonna follow the creek bed back, okay? Daryl, you're in charge."

Carl stood up. "I wanna stay too. I'm her friend."

"I wanna go too," I said.

Andrea walked over to me. "Are you sure you wanna go?"

I nodded.

She nodded back, sympathetic. "Okay. I'll be with them if you need me."

Rick and Shane led us through the woods. A deer stepped out from the trees. It stared right at us. It didn't get scared and run away. It shook its body, and its head. It had the kind of horns I thought only reindeer had. Carl followed it, and I tiptoed behind him. A loud boom knocked him to the ground.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 1

Chapter 5: Save Them (Pt 1)

The bright sky blinded me from outside the RV's windows. Andrea sat across from me. I tried to fall asleep on Mom's shoulder, but my mind raced.

"I miss my panda," I said.

"I know," Mom said. "But we just need to be glad we got out; even if our things didn't. Sleep. We don't know when we're gonna be on our feet again."

...................................................................

Mom pushed my shoulder to wake me up.

"What is it? What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said. "There's just a jam up ahead and we're stuck."

The engine of the RV sputtered, making a loud noise. I jumped.

"It's okay, it's just the engine," Mom said.

We stepped out of the RV. Twenty or thirty cars were parked in front of us; some with the dead inside of them. We stayed alert and close together, in case a walker got close to us.

"Walk right behind me," Mom said.

Carl and Lori walked ahead of us.

"Can I go catch up with Carl?" I asked.

"No. Stay with me," Mom said.

Mom and I walked alongside the cars. In one of the passenger's seats, a hollowed-out skull attached to a body sat above the wheel. I was curious, instead of fearful. It looked different from a regular walker; as if it moved onto a new stage of decay.

"Get under the cars, now!" Rick whispered loudly.

Mom grabbed my hand and squeezed the both of us under the car ahead.

My heart raced, and I turned my head towards her. "Mom? What's going on?" I whispered.

She hushed me harshly. The moans got closer; and the legs and feet of walkers moved past us. First, in a single-file line; but eventually there were more and more of them. I impulsively wanted to grab one of their legs; like when you look over the edge of a balcony and you want to jump. The sound of my heart pumping annoyed me. Eventually, the walker legs stopped coming. I looked at Mom, and she held her finger up, signalling to wait a minute.

Sophia screamed. Mom hurried to slide herself out from under the car first, and I slid out after her. Lori grabbed Carol and held her back as she cried. Sophia ran away, and a walker chased her into the woods.

...................................................................

Shane, Daryl, Glenn, and Rick went into the woods to find Sophia. I helped load the shirts, bandages, and cans of food that the adults found from inside the cars into the RV. Shane walked back towards the group, with the news that he couldn't find her.

Mom leaned against one of the cars and bowed her head.

Carol met Shane. "We're not going anywhere until my daughter gets back."

I walked over to Mom. "You think the same thing that happened to Sophia happened to Phoebe. It didn't. Rick's out looking for Sophia."

"I'm not thinking about it like that, and neither should you. Drink some more water," she said.

...................................................................

Carl and I walked side to side as we examined the cars. A blue truck was parked in the middle of the grass, and a walker sat in its driver's seat. We moved closer to it.

"This looks exactly like the truck my grandpa used to have," I said.

"Do you wanna go inside it?" he asked.

I hesitated. "It's not safe. There's a walker right there."

"The walker's dead. It has a gun and we need it."

I grabbed the mirror on the driver's side. I noticed the fog on the lenses of my blue glasses and the sweat that covered my face. My frizzy hair stuck up from the top of my head.

"Step back. I'm gonna try to do this," Carl said.

"Why don't we just tell our moms? They can help us."

"No. I want to do this all on my own."

He opened the door, and I stayed a few feet behind him. He attempted to take the weapon out of the walker's grasp. It was stuck. He stood on the step of the truck, and hovered over the walker, and continued to pull the gun away.

"Carl, get off! It's not worth it," I said.

He pulled the weapon away from the walker; and fell to the ground.

"Carl!" I hurried to help him up.

The walker leaned over and stared straight at us. His eyes were closed and his sockets were almost empty. His hair was light orange and his skin turned grey and brown from decay and dirt.

I walked back to the car Mom stood beside.

She rolled her eyes before closing them. "Where were you?"

"Looking at the cars with Carl," I said.

"Jesus, Mallory! How many times do I have to tell you not to go anywhere out of my sight? It only takes one second for you to be gone. Think about what happened to Sophia. That happened because she didn't stay where she was supposed to."

"We found a weapon. We can use it."

"No, you can't. You don't even know how to handle weapons yet."

"Yes, I do."

"You know how to use one gun. That's it. And that's only for emergencies."

I squinted at her. "How many guns do you know how to use? Dale can use it, then. Somebody can. Carl and I did something to help people; to help the group."

She bit her teeth together. "You can't keep going off like that. You're lucky you came back."

...................................................................

I sat on the steps of the RV, next to Dale. Carol stared into the woods and Mom placed her hands on her shoulder, and said something to her that I couldn't make out.

Andrea sped over to Dale. "Where's my gun? You have no right to take it."

Mom hurried to lead me away from the scene.

"Krista, you know I'm right. Right?" Andrea asked her.

Mom bowed her head. "I get where both of you are coming from."

"Both of us?"

"He did just talk you out of..."

"You're not serious, right? You were thinking the same way I was."

Lori walked me near a car in front of them. I watched my feet as I moved them back and forth, and kicked the gravel on the road.

"I chose to walk out of that building," Mom said.

"Because you had Mallory with you. That was the only reason, wasn't it?"

"I just think, maybe you're being a little selfish right now."

Andrea chuckled. "How can you say that? You know how things are. You've seen it."

"I didn't mean it like that. We've lost people too. I have. But you still have Mallory and I. Unless you don't care about us."

"Hey. We don't need to do this now," Shane said.

"Care about you? You think I don't care about you? Because the way I see it, when things went to shit with my family, I was still there for yours."

"If Chris was alive... he'd be telling you the same thing."

"Then you both should seriously reevaluate the way you talk to people."

"No. Because I'm not a self-centered bitch like you."

"Okay, that's enough!" Shane said.

Dale stood in between them. "We're all worn out. Maybe you two just need a rest."

...................................................................

Daryl and Rick returned from the woods with the news that Sophia was still missing.

Carol cried. "She's twelve. She can't be out there on her own. You didn't find anything?" She sat herself on the guardrail, distraught.

"I'll help find her right now. Where should I go?" Mom asked. "If it was my daughter, I'd want someone doing the same thing."

"We'll all look for her," Lori said.

"We need to do it together. Just have to wait awhile. It's gonna be dark soon," Rick said.

Carol tried to catch her breath and looked at Rick. "How could you just leave her out there to begin with? How could you just leave her?"

"Those two walkers were on us. I had to draw them off."

"How is she supposed to find her way back on her own? She's just a child. She's just a child."

I thought about how Sophia was just like me; only maybe a little more scared. I thought about how Phoebe and my dad might be in the same boat she was. Andrea sat down next to Carol, and Mom placed her hand on my shoulder.

"My little girl got left in the woods."

...................................................................

Carl and I sat on the hood of one of the cars.

"Do you think she's alive?" I asked.

"Yeah. We'll find her," he said.

Mom walked over to us. "You kids need to eat."

"All the food here is gross. I'm not hungry," I said.

"Eat. You're gonna need strength for tomorrow. Carl, I think your mom's looking for you," she said.

Carl got himself down from the car, and Mom took his spot. "I'm sorry about earlier. We're all just tired. We've said some things we didn't mean."

"You meant it, though. You've been thinking it for a long time," I said.

"She's been through a lot."

"So have we."

"Yeah, I know. But she's family. I know we've had a rough past, but she loves you. She loves your sister. That's never changed." She handed me a can. "Eat these. You've never tried them. You might like them."

I looked at the image on the can. "Why are they grey?"

"It's just the kind of beans they are. They're fine."

The beans had no flavor; but at the same time, they tasted disgusting. They were squishy and wet, and reminded me of plain milk, which I didn't like either.

...................................................................

The next morning:

As they prepared to go into the woods to look for Sophia, the adults grabbed their guns and weapons.

I turned towards Mom. "You should carry a gun. If I can't carry one, you have to."

She nodded. Dale handed her the gun Mimi gave me.

"You're staying with Dale," Mom said.

"No. I have to go with you," I said.

"It's not safe. I need you to stay here."

"When Dad and Phoebe went missing, we weren't with them. But we were together. And they were together. If they're still alive, it's because they're together. We can't split up. I can go out there and fight," I said.

Mom sighed. "Can you stay where I can see you? At all times? Because based on what you did yesterday, I can't exactly trust you to do that right now."

"Mom, I will."

...................................................................

I held Mom's hand as we squeezed through the branches and trees. Daryl found a tent he thought Sophia could've been in. Shane and Rick went with him to investigate, while the rest of us stayed back. Andrea knelt in front of me. I placed my right fingers on my left wrist. Rick called Carol to look with them. They called for Sophia, but she wasn't there.

The trees rustled ahead of us. The adults pulled out their guns. Two walkers jumped out. Mom and I jumped. Rick and Shane aimed their guns. Daryl stabbed both of them in the head.

"What if those are the same ones that were with Sophia?" Carol asked.

"We don't know that, Carol," Shane said.

The woods rustled again. A walker launched out at Mom and grabbed her shoulder. She laid her head back, stared straight ahead, and screamed. Andrea held me back.

I grabbed her arm frantically and pulled it like rope. Tears shot out of my eyes. "Mom!"

"You've got to stay strong. You've got to stay strong. I love you." She sunk to the ground.

...................................................................

Andrea carried me as we travelled farther in the woods. Church bells rang in the distance. We followed the sound, thinking it could've been a sign of Sophia.

We arrived at a cemetery and ran to the entrance of the church. I stayed with Carol, Lori, and Carl while the others cleared the walkers out of it. The bells were on a timer. Sophia wasn't ringing them.

I sat in the church pew and stared at the big metal crucifix that was covered in blood. "God, I don't know if you can hear me. I think you can." I held my clammy fingers together, folding them into prayer. "Please help my Mom get to Heaven. She wasn't Catholic, but she was a good person. Please watch over Phoebe and Dad. Help them get back. It seems like everyone's dying. I don't know how I'm gonna make it without my mom..." Tears itched my cheek and I closed my eyes. "I'm scared. Everyone's telling me to be strong, but I can't. If I'm gonna die, please help me go easy. So it doesn't hurt. So I'm not sad. I just don't want it to be scary."

...................................................................

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 1

Chapter 4: Postmortem (pt 2)

"No. You won't feel a thing," he said, almost smiling.

I thought of all the people I never got to say goodbye to. I dreamed about all the things I used to do with the people I lost: my grandparents, Mimi, my friends, Phoebe, and Dad. The thought of the afterlife and seeing them all again called me down. It would be painless. It would just be over, and maybe it would be okay.

"Do we really wanna live out there?" Mom asked. "So every second, we're afraid; running from walkers? Until one finally bites us, or rips us apart? There's no hope for us. A doctor from the CDC said that."

"That's not true," Rick said. "Your daughter, she deserves more than this. What if you find Chris and Phoebe? You're just gonna give up on them too?"

"I can't keep... I can't keep going out there. This is the end of the world. It's just uglier out there. I don't want us to be in pain. I don't want them to. This isn't life anymore. It's not."

Rick tried to reason with her. "You're not thinking straight. We all deserve a chance. Your daughter deserves a chance."

Screeching sounded to the side of us. The doors opened, and I exhaled.

Mom pat my back. "Come on. We need to go, now."

Andrea didn't get up.

Mom pulled her hand. "Andrea, come on!"

"I'm staying," she said.

Tears filled my eyes. "You can't stay here!"

She looked at me and smiled. "I love you, honey. You're strong. I'm not made for this world like you were. God's plan is for you to survive, I know that. But He has a different plan for me. You can do this." She turned to Mom. "You fight for her. You keep her safe. I don't have anyone to fight for anymore."

Glenn took my hand and pushed Mom towards the door. "Come on!"

Andrea closed her eyes and smiled. "It's better this way. This is what I want. I promise."

...................................................................

Dale stayed with Andrea, and they waited to be trapped in flames. Jackie, a woman from the camp, made the same choice. Glenn guided Mom and I out with the others, towards the exit. Rick set off a bomb to break the glass. I hesitated to jump out the window, but Mom laid her arms out to catch me.

When we made it back into the RV, I held my ears and ducked. My heart pounded as I feared the upcoming explosion.

"Scream during it if you have to. It'll be okay," Mom told me.

"Wait, wait! They're coming," Lori said.

Dale and Andrea jumped out the window and walked towards us. I smiled.

"Oh my god," Mom said.

"Down! Get down!" Rick yelled.

I laid as flat as I could, on the floor between the car seats. Mom shielded me. I screamed as loud as I could as the glass shattered and the boom sounded. The heat of the fire burned the chills that ran down my spine.

The CDC was broken into Lego-like pieces, completely fallen. The fire encompassed the land it was built upon. We sat in silence, knowing the last chance of safety we had was just burnt to the ground.

Mom let out a long exhale. "Alright. If we're gonna do this, let's do this."

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 1

Chapter 4: Postmortem, pt 1 (pt 2 is in the next post)

The next morning:

I slid into my bright red Crocs, grabbed a granola bar, and walked out of the tent.

Carl sat on the bench and held his face in his hands. "Are you okay?"

I used my finger to remove the sleep from my eyes. "Can you come with me to see Andrea?"

Shane laid his elbows on his knees and sat on a log next to the bench. "Hey Mallory, why don't you sit right here with me? You don't need to go up there."

Near the front of the hill, Andrea hovered over Amy and stared at her body. Mom sat beside her.

"When is she gonna turn?" I asked.

Shane pat my shoulder. "You don't have to worry about that, okay? We're keeping an eye on her."

I moved closer to the RV and listened to their conversation.

"I can't imagine what you're going through," Mom told her. "I know it seems like you've lost everything. But you haven't, because I'm still here. Mallory's still here. You need to stay strong because that's what they'd want for you. For both of us."

Dale grabbed my hand. "Let's go back to the tent."

"I need to see this. I can. It's what happens. I saw it with my aunt and grandpa," I said.

Mom turned towards me. She stood up, brushed the dirt off her knees, and walked over to me. "Don't talk back to him. You were supposed to stay near the tent."

I furrowed my brow at her. "When Amy comes back as a walker, she could attack Andrea. And you're worrying about me seeing it? We can't be afraid. We have to be ready to see these things."

...................................................................

I sat on the edge of the mattress. Mom was beside me.

A gunshot sounded.

"That was Amy," I said.

Mom took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

The group stood around the grave that Dale and Glenn dug. Mom held my shoulder with one hand and wiped her tears with the other. Andrea sobbed and struggled to place Amy's body in the ground.

...................................................................

The camp was deemed unsafe. The group debated whether or not to leave. Shane said we all needed to stick together. He planned to take a group to the CDC and leave in the morning; to find doctors and get some answers. We sat on the logs and discussed the plan.

"What if Chris and Phoebe are out here and we just drive away from them?" Mom asked.

Shane bowed his head. "What if they tried going to the same place we are? What if leaving gets us closer to finding them? There's no good in staying here if it puts you and your daughter in danger."

"They're in danger!" Mom was frantic. "We have to keep looking for them. Even if that means just me."

Tears welled in my eyes. "Mom, no! We have to stay with them!"

"Plans change," Lori told her. "Yours did. Maybe theirs did too. They wouldn't want you to stay here when it's not safe."

"Stop telling me what I need to do for my family. What I need to do is find them, and I haven't been able to do that."

"Mom, we can't survive on our own. If they're gone, we can't die too," I said.

...................................................................

The cars parked near the sidewalk. Mom opened the car door and grabbed my hand, and we headed towards the building of the CDC. Tens upon tens of the dead laid on the ground; more than I've ever seen in one place. The smell of death was overwhelming. I gagged as what was a million times worse than wet dog and sewage combined filled my nose.

Mom wrapped her arm around my neck. "Cover your nose."

"It's not working!" I said.

The doors of the building were closed. I could sense the subtle panic in the adult's faces, which made my worry worse.

"We're stranded. What are we gonna do?" Mom asked.

Rick banged against the door continuously. Lori and Carol screamed at him. My heart raced as I waited for someone to yell again.

Rick froze and stared at the top of the building. "The camera, it moved."

Mom looked at Carol and Lori, with the realisation that he was losing his mind.

"You imagined it," Dale said.

"It moved."

Glenn and Shane guided us back towards the cars. I was exhausted and wanted to collapse right there. No one knew where to go.

The doors screeched as they opened behind us.

...................................................................

I feared what was inside the walls. A part of me worried we'd find something similar to a boring history museum, because I hated history museums. I hoped the CDC would have something fun to do.

Mom moved me behind her back. "Stay behind me."

The building was empty and dark. The only thing that caught my eye was a navy blue banner. A man walked out of the shadows ahead of us, with his gun pointed. My breathing intensified.

"Anybody infected?" the man asked.

Rick told him no. The man introduced himself. His name was Dr. Edwin Jenner. He told us we could enter, as long as we took a blood test.

"I don't like blood tests," I said.

"I know, but you have to get one," Mom said.

"Once this door closes, it stays closed," Dr. Jenner said.

We took the elevator to the top floor.

I held my stuffed panda and pointed my arm out towards Dr. Jenner for the blood test.

"Will it hurt?" I asked.

"Not too bad," he said.

...................................................................

The dining table was big enough to seat all of us. Baked chicken and rolls were served for dinner, one of my favorite meals. The rolls had a scent of sweetness that I missed. Carl asked to try some wine. Lori hesitated, but Rick convinced her to pour him some.

I looked at his glass and then at Mom. "Can I have some? Carl is."

She sighed. "A little bit."

I took a small sip of the bitter red wine. I tried to hide my expression of disgust so I could drink more. Carl didn't even try to hide his reaction, and the adults laughed.

Dr. Jenner mentioned how the other doctors committed suicide. How they dropped like flies, one after the other. My face warmed and nausea hit below my chest.

"Are you okay?" Mom asked.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I asked her.

I leaned against the bathroom cabinet. It felt like a million bricks pushed against my body; and I shook like I was having a seizure. I closed my eyes and cupped my feverish face with my hands, as I prepared to lose consciousness or throw up. Mom coached me to inhale and exhale with every second.

...................................................................

Walking barefoot on the cold hardwood floor, I turned the corner into Carl's room. He sat on the bed and held a stack of cards.

I sat myself on the bed. "I forgot how to play."

He reminded me about Kings, Aces, Queens, and Jacks. We played three times, and I beat him twice.

"Do you wanna go in the bigger room to play with Sophia?" he asked.

I stood by the door and looked into the big game room. Several video game stations stood against the wall.

"Does the Pac-Man work?" I asked.

"No, sweetie. All the power's out," Carol said.

"Then how do the showers work?"

Sophia looked up from the puzzle she completed on the table. "The important stuff works. That's where all the power goes. Video games don't anymore."

...................................................................

The next morning:

I sat at the table and searched through a box of Lucky Charms.

Lori sat next to me. "You just like the marshmallows?"

T-Dog poured himself a glass of orange juice. "That's the best part."

Andrea buttered a piece of toast. "Isn't it dry with no milk? There's some in the fridge."

"Is there strawberry milk?" I asked.

She smiled. "No."

"Then no thanks," I said.

...................................................................

We stood in the primary room of the CDC.

Dr. Jenner projected a brain onto the screen. Its nerves were like a big blue maze, lit up by flashes of light. Jenner said that when someone dies and comes back, they aren't who they were before. Their memories are gone. Their ability to be kind is gone. Their ability to be human is gone. When they come back as a walker, they aren't themselves. He said the infection invades the brain like meningitis. Mom wrapped her arms around me while she sniffled.

"If the doctor doesn't know how to fix it, what's gonna happen?" I asked.

Mom turned me towards her and knelt to my level. "We're gonna try our best to ride it out until it gets better."

"How can it get better if there's no one to make it better?" I asked.

"There will be. We've just gotta give it time," Carol said.

Dale noticed the big clock hung on the wall that counted down. Dr. Jenner said that when it hit zero, the power would run out. He called on his remote robot speaker, Vi, to explain further.

"When the power runs out, decontamination will occur," Vi said.

"What's decontamination?" I asked.

"It usually means getting rid of germs," Mom told me.

...................................................................

I paced around my bed. "When Vi said that, does that mean we're gonna have to get more shots? So we can get rid of the germs that the walkers carry?"

Mom sat on the bed. "I don't know, maybe. But if you do, you're gonna have to be brave about it, okay?"

"How many shots am I gonna have to get?"

"I don't know. Nobody knows yet."

The room went dark.

"Stay here." Mom walked out the door.

A minute later, she hurried back in the room. "Come on."

"What's happening?" I asked.

"Nothing. I just don't want you to be somewhere by yourself."

...................................................................

As we gathered in the main room again, Dr Jenner explained something to us; but what he said confused me. When he stopped talking, everyone went silent. Shane launched at him. Rick yelled at Lori to get their things. My heart ached and sank in my chest.

Mom grabbed my hand. "Come on, let's go get our stuff."

"Mom, what is he saying? What's happening?" I asked.

"Nothing. We're just leaving now."

"And going where?"

She looked at me and tried to form a response.

The entrance doors closed.

I glanced from one adult to the next, trying to piece together what was going on.

Andrea hurried over to me. "It's gonna be okay, honey. I promise you. You're gonna see your dad and your sister soon, okay? Just breathe. It's gonna be fine."

I tilted my head in confusion.

"Don't say that!" Mom told her.

"What happens in twenty-eight minutes?" Rick asked Jenner.

Dr. Jenner hesitated as the adults pushed for answers. "In the event of a catastrophic power failure, H.I.Ts are deployed to prevent any organisms from getting out."

"H.I.Ts? Vi, define," Rick said.

"H.I.Ts — high-impulsive thermobaric fuel-air explosives consist of a two-stage aerosol ignition that produces a blast wave of significantly greater power and duration than any other known explosive except nuclear. The vacuum-pressure effect ignites the oxygen at between five thousand degrees and six thousand degrees and is useful when the greatest loss of life and damage to structures is desired."

My gaze froze, and the blankness of white overcame my vision. I inhaled and exhaled at a greater speed than what my brain could process. My legs gave out, and I sank to the floor. It was as though every muscle and joint in my body had already lost its function. I opened my numb mouth and sobbed. My ears rung as I awaited my death.

"This is God's plan. I knew it even before we got here," Andrea said.

Mom's cry suffocated her. "I don't want those things to tear us apart out there."

A minute passed, and my eyes could focus again. I looked up at Jenner. "Is it gonna hurt?"

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 1

Chapter 3: Campfire

1 week at the camp:

I sat on Mom and I's mattress and rubbed my eyes. The sun that shone through the tent warmed my forehead. Andrea was out with Jackie, T-Dog, Morales, and Glenn, trying to find Dad and Phoebe for the second time. Mom sat on the floor and folded our clothes.

"Do you think they're gonna find them?" I asked her.

"Hopefully we'll find them soon," she said.

Carl peeked inside the tent. "Mallory, do you wanna do Math problems with us?"

"I don't like Math," I said, looking at him.

"You should do some. It'll be good for you," Mom said.

"What if I never go to school again?" I asked.

"You still need to be educated."

...................................................................

I sat at the wooden picnic table and completed addition problems in between Carl and Sophia. I watched as Mom and Shane debated with each other in front of the RV. I was intrigued because Mom argued with someone once in a blue moon. Dale walked over to us. He had grey hair and was old enough to be my grandpa. He was the guardian of the group and made sure that everyone stayed in line. He tried to distract us from the argument. Eventually, I sat my pencil down and walked over to them.

"You go through anything to find your family. It's bad enough I'm not out there right now," Mom told Shane.

"And you shouldn't be. You need to be here with your daughter," Shane said.

Mom looked at me, then back at Shane. "And not look for my other one?"

"It's no use if something happens to you too."

Amy grabbed my hand to take me away from the scene. She was Andrea's friend from college. When we first arrived at the camp, they reunited because of what my aunt called "a miracle."

The long wee-woo of a car siren sounded from the road beyond the camp and travelled closer to us.

"The hell?" Dale asked.

A red sports car, with its alarm beeping obnoxiously, drove up the road to the camp. It caused anxiety in everyone. Glenn parked the car, got out of the driver's seat and laughed, impressed.

"Jesus, would you turn that thing off? The sound will attract more of them. You've got to think about stuff like this!" Dale said.

Amy ran up to Glenn and asked him where Andrea was. He repositioned his burgundy baseball cap on his head and reassured her, telling her she was okay.

I walked towards him. "Did you find my dad and sister?"

He bowed his head. "I'm sorry, no luck. We'll look again soon, okay?"

I moved the gravel with my foot, and tears formed in my eyes.

Mom put her hand on my shoulder. "It doesn't mean they're not out there. We'll keep looking."

I knew she just said that because she felt like she had to. It was false hope.

I stood in the tent and tried to control my tears. Another car drove in. The others came back. I envied Eliza and Louis for having both their mom and dad with them. Carl's dad Rick came back too. I heard their joyous cry as they ran up to each other. Everyone thought he was dead. I didn't want to see it. I couldn't. Maybe that was selfish, but I didn't care.

Daryl yelled at Rick and Shane for leaving Merle behind. Merle was racist and abusive and mean. But he was Daryl's brother, and Daryl was a lot like him. I peeked through the tent as Daryl punched Rick, and Shane held him to the ground. Andrea walked into the tent and hugged me, advising me to look away.

...................................................................

Nighttime:

The group sat together in a circle. Mom and Andrea sat beside me. I ate saltines and a PB&J for dinner from the pack of food we brought from home. I zoned out and didn't listen to the jokes the group told each other. I thought about my best friend, and how we used to make each other laugh constantly. Memories from the movies we saw together and the sleepovers we had replayed in my head. I wondered where she was, and where her family was. I hoped they all found safe shelter in their basement. I tried to make peace with the fact that I'd never find out.

Ed started a fire, which was against the rules. I was afraid of him and stayed as far away from him as possible. He was Sophia's dad, and Carol's husband. Whenever Carol took care of Mom and I, I could tell it bothered him. He was abusive and selfish. He wanted all the attention for himself. Whenever he had anger outbursts, Mom put her hand on my head and attempted to shield me from it. He argued with Shane about wanting the fire to stay on, but it couldn't, because people could see it from far away. We didn't want anyone to know we were stationed at the camp, except for Dad and Phoebe, if we could find them. Shortly after his specific outburst, and maybe because of it, Mom stood me up, held my hand, and walked me back towards the tent for bed.

I laid my face on my pillow and tried to fall asleep.

Mom sat by the mattress. "I need to talk to you about Dad and Phoebe."

"What?" I asked.

"We don't know where they are. People are harder to find now. Every time someone goes out looking for them, they take a gigantic risk. It's not safe. We can't always make that decision."

I squinted. "You don't really believe what Shane told you, do you?"

"It's not just that."

"We need to look for them together."

"No. Everyone that went out today, they know how to go out like that. We don't."

"That's why we need to learn. We need to know how to do it, eventually."

"Not yet. You're a kid, and a lot of places now aren't safe for kids."

"What about Phoebe? Do you think wherever she is, is a safe place for her?"

I could tell what I said upset her. "I know things suck, but you need to listen to me. None of us have all the answers. But you're not the adult, I am. And you need to do as you're told."

I stared at the top of the tent and listened to the noises from outside; like the crickets and other noises I couldn't always identify; but I knew they weren't from walkers, and that was good enough for me. They were a distraction from the thoughts inside my head. Eventually, they put me to sleep.

...................................................................

The next morning:

When I woke up, Mom wasn't inside the tent. The bag from home was open and laid on the ground. I took a granola bar out of it and thought about how Mom shouldn't have left it open, because it could've attracted bears, or worse. Carl walked into the tent.

"I'm happy your dad's back," I told him.

He stood behind me. "Thanks. Your dad and Phoebe will show up."

I zipped up the bag. "They probably won't. It's too late."

"It's not too late. My dad, Glenn, T-Dog, and Daryl went to go find Merle and look for them again. They'll find them soon. They have to."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath. "My only job was to protect my little sister. And I couldn't do that. She should've ridden with my mom, and I should've been in the other car. She was scared. She's not able to make it out there."

"She has your dad. She'll be okay."

I stood and smoothed out my shorts. "My dad gets scared too. He doesn't know what to do. Neither does my mom. We'd be dead too if we hadn't found Shane and everyone else."

"Maybe they found good people too."

"There's too many bad people out there. They're probably in the opposite direction, anyway."

"I never thought I'd see my dad again. But I did." Carl opened the tent, and prepared to walk out of it. "I'm gonna go try to catch frogs with Shane, if you wanna join us."

I smiled. "Okay."

...................................................................

The quarry was one of my favorite places at the camp. I loved jumping from one rock to the other and dipping my feet in the water, up to my knees. I sat on one of the rocks, and worked against gravity to not fall off of it. It's been about ten minutes and Carl's goal to catch frogs was unsuccessful. Shane encouraged him.

Mom and Carl's mom Lori walked up to us.

"You didn't tell me you were going down here. You need to tell me before you go somewhere," Mom said.

The sun blinded me as I looked up at her. "I'm with Carl. Andrea's right over there."

"I don't care. You need to tell me."

Her stern voice annoyed me, so I didn't respond.

"You hear me?"

I grunted.

"Hey Mallory?" Amy voiced over to us. She sat on the hill, ringing out clothes. "Andrea and I are about to take a boat ride to catch some fish, wanna come with us?"

I looked to Mom for permission, and she nodded.

...................................................................

I stared at the light blue water in the lake and tried to find my reflection. Some water was inside the boat, making my feet cold and itching my legs. I moved frequently to swat off mosquitos. "Do you think they're still alive?" I asked.

"Merle might not be. But Rick, Glenn, and T-Dog, yeah. They'll be back," Andrea said.

"I wasn't talking about them," I said.

She paused before responding. "Wherever they are, God's watching over them, just like He's watching over us. They've gotta make it okay, just like we do. They've gotta be strong, just like us."

Amy handed me her fishing pole. "Do you wanna try to catch one?"

I felt the wire catch on, but didn't pull it back strong enough, or soon enough.

"Keep trying. You'll get it," Amy said.

Andrea used the pole to bring a giant green fish into the boat. Its eyes were closed, and water dripped from it as its tail fluttered. It was big enough for half of the group. "You can catch one just like that, if there's more out here," she said.

We returned to the group with thirteen fish. Carol and Morales cheered for us, and Carl smiled and said it was cool we caught so many.

Mom pat my back. "We could have like five dinners out of this. It's impressive."

"I barely caught any myself," I said.

"You caught three! And it was your first time fishing. Give yourself some credit," Amy said.

...................................................................

Dinnertime:

The adults cooked the fish over the fire. Each bit looked like a piece of steak, only bluer and with scales. I've always wanted to try fish before everything started, but I never got the chance to. I was also too afraid to see what it would taste like. Now, we had no other option. Most of its taste I couldn't accurately describe. I thought it tasted like tobacco, but I've never had tobacco. It was salty, but only slightly.

Lori handed out cans of beer.

"Can I have a beer?" I asked.

Mom looked at me like I was crazy. "No. You're eleven."

"Why does it matter anymore? It's the end of the --"

"I said no. You wouldn't like it, anyway."

"It's true, you wouldn't like it. Carl's not having any either," Lori said.

As Dale told some fancy story about his watch, I couldn't focus. My mind always got lost whenever someone used very abstract language to describe something. Mom said she knew and liked the book he was talking about; but that didn't mean much because she read everything. I hated reading. It took me forever, and I'd always given up and said I couldn't do it.

A scream came from the RV. I jumped. We turned our heads. Amy laid on the ground, and a walker was beside her. We sat in silence as we tried to process what happened. I moved close to Mom, and she wrapped her arms around me. Andrea ran towards Amy.

"Andrea, no! Stay here!" Mom yelled.

"Krista, stay next to us," Lori said.

Shane moved in front of us and aimed his gun. My heart beat fast and my face got heavy.

"Mallory, don't let go of me!" Mom held me behind her back, in an attempt to shield me from it.

I moved her arms from my eyes. Amy was covered in blood.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 1

Chapter 2: DC

My aunt Andrea arrived at the house with my uncle and cousins. Mom walked outside to meet them. I stood in front of the glass door and listened to their conversation.

Andrea ran to Mom and grabbed her hands. "I heard about... I'm so sorry."

Mom bowed her head and nodded.

"We're headed to DC and you should come with us," Andrea said.

"We can't make that trip," Mom said.

"We have to. I know it's scary, but you can't stay here. Think about the girls. You wanna give them the best chance possible. And sometimes you have to take a chance to do that."

...................................................................

I pushed my magenta suitcase towards the back of the trunk, and Phoebe sat her Paul Frank backpack next to it.

"How about the boys in one car and the girls in the other?" Andrea suggested.

"I wanna ride with Daddy," Phoebe said.

My uncle Kurt pat her back. "Alright. Phoebe and Chris together and Krista and Mallory together? Sounds like a plan."

Phoebe grabbed Mom's arms. "Mommy, I wanna ride with you too!"

"There's not enough room. Ride with Dad," Mom said.

"We'll be right in front of you. I have the directions," Kurt told Mom.

The Langs always had a weird relationship with us. Andrea and my grandma got into big fights, and those fights broke them apart permanently. Phoebe and I were shielded from a lot of it. My parents decided not to cut off communication with them, and to let them be involved in our lives. We were never around them that much, but whenever it was Phoebe and I's birthday, well, usually a month or two later, Andrea took us out shopping. At least I got ice cream, toys, and candy out of it. I used to call her Auntie Cuckoo, and I still do when she's around, but behind her back I refer to her by her first name, Andrea.

...................................................................

My cousins Matt and Jeff, Kurt, Phoebe, and Dad were in Dad's car, while Andrea, Mom, and I were in the other. DC was about four hours away from home, and we were planning on just entering the state line and getting directions of where to go from there. Kurt brought his own gun, and the gun from Mimi was in the trunk of our car. I was in the backseat by myself, not shielding my eyes from what I knew I might've seen. I knew I'd rather see it than not see it, because when you know something's out there but your eyes are closed, you feel claustrophobic. Like what's outside your window could reach in to get you at any moment, and you don't know when, because you can't see. Similar to when you're taking a shower and closing your eyes so you won't get shampoo in them, and you're worried there's a spider or a roach crawling out of the drain. At least that's what I used to worry about.

...................................................................

A few hours later:

By the time we should've made it to DC, we were only halfway there. The people who directed traffic made us stop for about fifteen minutes while each car passed, one at a time. This process happened for what seemed like fifty times.

Andrea texted Matt and Jeff every five minutes. "My texts aren't going through," she said.

Mom fidgeted with her hands as she held them off the wheel. "It's probably because there's no wifi."

My stomach cramped from hunger. "Can we stop for lunch?"

"No," Mom said.

"Why not?"

She looked at me through the rearview mirror. "Because we need to stick to the road we're on. We don't know what the drive-thru lines are going to be like."

I laid my sweaty hands on my knees and sighed. "If the world is ending, can I at least have Chickfila one last time?"

Andrea laughed.

"If we can find one, maybe," Mom said.

...................................................................

Night came. Outside my window, I could only see black.

Andrea's texts still didn't go through, and she wasn't receiving any either. "I'm worried service is gonna go out," she said.

"They're fine. They're right ahead of us," Mom said.

"Until the stupid traffic guy let them get too far ahead."

"Mom, can I have a snack?" I asked.

"No. We need to save the food for later."

"But I'm hungry."

"You're gonna have to get used to it. I'm sorry."

...................................................................

As we reached DC's entrance, we were met by a traffic stop that shone bright red light. Kurt's car stopped ahead of us. A police officer stood outside the door of the car, and led Phoebe out of it. Dad and Matt walked out after her. As the officer gave them orders, my heart pounded.

"What are they doing?" Andrea asked.

Mom stared at the scene. "I don't know."

I watched through the windshield as three sick ones walked out of the woods beside the car. Andrea screamed. Kurt pulled out his gun, and another officer held him down, doing nothing about the threat.

"They need to shoot it! Aren't they shooting it?" Andrea panicked.

The officer shoved Kurt to the ground and stood by and watched as the sick grabbed for him. Andrea screamed bloody murder, yelling at Mom to put her foot on the gas and drive forward. I yelled Phoebe's name as loud as I could. As Matt tried to help Kurt, the dead got him too. Jeff stood frozen. Andrea tried to grab the wheel from Mom. A gunshot sounded. I couldn't see Jeff anymore. Andrea's scream filled the air. Phoebe grabbed her ears and cried. An officer sat her inside the car. Dad ran to the front seat. The officers didn't stop him, and the car sped ahead.

Mom started to drive forward.

The traffic man banged on the side window. "Ma'am, you can't go yet," he said.

She banged her head against the headrest. "That's my daughter and my husband!"

The man looked defeated, but obligated. He watched the line of cars behind us.

"Go!" Andrea yelled.

Mom pressed on the gas and made a run for it.

...................................................................

Five minutes passed, and we couldn't find the car. Ten minutes passed and we still couldn't. Around fifty cars were backed up ahead of us, parked because they couldn't move ahead. There were three lines of them, and we were on the far right.

"There's no other road to go on. Where the hell did they go?" Mom asked.

No one responded.

She laid her head towards the wheel and took a few deep breaths. "The car that's in front of us now, it was in front of them. What if they circled behind us? Did — could they do that? Mallory, did you see where they went? Did you see them?"

I wiped my tears with my fingers. "No."

She stopped the car. "Ok. I'm getting out to see if I can find them." She turned to me. Her face was pale and her eyes were puffy. "I need you to stay here. I'll be back."

"No! I need to come with you!" I said.

"We'll all get out," Andrea said. It was the first time she spoke since it all happened.

...................................................................

We searched around every car and every line, for about fifteen minutes, behind and in front of us. We couldn't find them. We tried to understand how they weren't there, how they got away, and where they could've gone. A man wearing a blue police cap leaned against a car in front of us.

Mom held my hand and walked closer to him. "Hey, excuse me, officer?" she said.

Andrea leaned over and whispered in her ear. "We don't know if we can trust him!"

He walked towards us. "How can I help you, ma'am?"

"I need help locating my seven-year-old daughter and my husband. We drove in separate cars, and they got too far ahead of us. I've been looking up this jam and I still can't find --"

"Hey, I'm here to help you the best I can, alright? Do you have a picture of them?" he asked.

Mom pulled out a picture from her purse, one of all of us at Disneyworld. In it, Phoebe wore pigtails and a pink shirt. Her cheeks were rosy and sunburned, and her smile was bigger than anybody else's. Mom's hair was short and curly, like it always was. My hair was shorter, at shoulder-length, and I didn't have my glasses yet. Dad wore one of his many superhero shirts.  I moved my head, unable to look at my grandparents and Mimi, who were also in the picture.

"Beautiful family. We've got kids with us too." The officer knelt in front of me. "I'll take you to them. My name is Shane."

...................................................................

Shane walked me towards the open trunk of a car. The kids sat across from each other, and a checkerboard laid in between them. "Carl, Sophia, this is Mallory," he said.

Sophia sat her doll on the floor of the car. She had hair that was much shorter than mine and wore a dark blue shirt with a rainbow in the middle. "Where are your parents?" she asked.

"My mom's with my aunt. I don't know where my dad and sister are," I said.

"I don't know where my dad is either," Carl said. He had short brown hair and wore a shirt with a paw print in the center.

"Do you want to play with us?" Sophia asked.

"I don't know how to play checkers," I said.

"I'll show you. You can play against me first," she said.

A lady with short, greyish hair walked towards me. She smiled. "Hi, I'm Carol. When's the last time you ate?"

"For breakfast," I said.

"I'll go get you a snack."

Carl and Sophia laid their checkers on the board, and laughed as they tried to beat each other. I cried into my hand.

"What's wrong?" Sophia asked.

"My uncle and cousins just died. The sick got to them. They're gonna get to us too. I don't know where my sister or dad are —"

Carl stopped me. "I'm sorry about your cousins and your uncle. But your dad and sister will be back."

"Phoebe will be back, and we can all play checkers together," Sophia said.

Carol handed me a pack of goldfish, but I didn't have the energy to eat it. I laid in between Carl and Sophia, and we watched the tiny stars that were spread apart in the dark sky. For a second, I felt peace. Mom and Andrea walked back, having found nothing. I laid on the hard and bumpy surface of the trunk, unable to fall asleep.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse: part 1

Chapter 1: A Turtle and a Gun

June 2013:

As we sat in the dark living room, the light that shone from the tv strained my eyes. I counted the bricks on the fireplace over and over again, going back to the first one whenever I finished. The oddly shaped ones, or the ones that were half-filled, frustrated me. I stroked my baby doll's curly blonde hair. Phoebe was silent as she stared at the tv. She held onto the dark green blanket that hugged her knees.

"Once again, you're tuning in to ABC 11 Eyewitness News. Brian let us know before the break that five-hundred-thousand people have gotten sick from the virus that is still being investigated. Numbers are increasing, but I'd like to assure you that the government will get this under control as soon as possible. However, it is crucial, for both you and your family's safety, to stay inside your houses unless absolutely necessary. This is a high-risk situation."

Phoebe sucked her tears back into her head. Mom held her hand against her back and reminded her to breathe.

"They're saying it's safe in DC. How are we going to get there?" I asked.

"We can't get there. We're staying here. Everything will be fine," Mom said.

Dad swung in the rocking chair and looked up from his phone. "We wouldn't get there even if we tried. Military vehicles are how people get to DC. One's not coming here."

"Can't we call some place to pick us up?" I asked.

"It's not a taxi. They're more concerned with their own city than anyplace else," he said.

My foot fiddled with the notebook on the coffee table. Inside of it were the pros and cons of each of my middle school options. Mom gave it to me, and acted like the choice was mine, even though it never was. As my toes flipped through the pages, it started to feel useless.

...................................................................

I've always hated Sunday mornings. The day was filled with its own type of sorrow, almost as if it was its own emotion. The sun shined through the ugly striped curtains in the kitchen. Mom made pancakes, which became our weekend ritual. I asked her to spread peanut butter on mine.

Dad stormed down the stairs. "North Carolina's a danger zone," he said.

Mom flipped the pancakes on the griddle. "We know that, Chris."

My fork clashed against my plate as I laid it down. "We really need to go to DC."

"We can't!" they yelled in unison, waving their hands.

"But we can't stay here! It's not safe!" I normally froze whenever they'd yell, but I stood my ground.

Phoebe whimpered like a dying kitten.

"I'm sorry for yelling. But with a seven-year-old and an eleven-year-old, we can't make it there," Dad said.

I rolled my eyes, annoyed that we were the ones made out to be the problem.

"Mama and Papa have generators. We'll go there at around 4:00," Mom said.

"How long are we going to stay there?" Phoebe asked in between her tears.

A moment of silence passed and my parents looked at the floor.

"Probably a while," Mom said.

...................................................................

I laid stomach-first on the pink flower comforter on my bed. I scrolled through Mom's IPad that she loaned to me and researched the virus. A part of me was afraid to look; but a bigger part of me wanted to make sure that there wasn't a scarier truth out there that our parents were hiding from us. That they weren't sugar-coating anything. I clicked on a website that ranked every state in the US from safest to least safest. They listed North Carolina as the twenty-third safest state. That was about half. It wasn't safe enough.

"Girls, lets go!" Mom yelled from outside my door.

...................................................................

We sat in the backseat of Mom's red Pontiac. Phoebe crouched under her purple, polka-dotted blanket, encasing herself from any outside force. I scrunched a piece of the dirty yellow blanket, and held it in the palm of my hand, pulling it close to my face.

Tens of cars were backed up, one behind another, in the middle of the neighborhood. It took us minutes to even pull out of the driveway. It was as if we were molasses moving through the road.

As we reached the end of the neighborhood, Mom gasped. Dad turned to her, and placed one of his hands on her shoulder. My heart raced. My legs shook, and my face turned clammy and cold. For the first time in my life, I saw one in person. It wore jogger clothes, like it was going for a run. It was lean and tall. But it wasn't human. Blood spewed from it. Its face was ripped apart into different pieces, unleashing the layers of its existence. A lady knelt on the ground and begged to it. It was her son. Other neighbors had their eyes glued to the scene; but none of them took action.

The major roads were empty. The construction workers cleared the dead from them, similar to how they dealt with snow and ice.

As we got closer to the house, it got worse. Two were in the driveways, leading up the hill in the middle of the woods. They slowly headed towards the road. Mom pressed on the gas, even though they were far enough away from us. I stared out my window, pressing my head on the glass, and looking as far down as I could. As we turned a corner, a body laid flat on the grass; but it wasn't dead yet. They looked like a normal person, with specks of blood on the corners of their face. They stared straight at the sky, in a state of shock.

...................................................................

Mom parked the car in front of the house and turned to the backseat. "Stay here for a minute. We'll be right back for you."

Phoebe kept herself under the blanket the whole time, and wouldn't release it from her face; not even for air. Mom and Dad entered through the garage door.

A minute passed. A high-pitched scream ensued, coming from Mom.

My heart dropped and my throat tightened, like I was going to suffocate. "Where are they?"

"Mallory, what if they're dead?" Phoebe asked in a loud whisper.

Mom and Dad walked through the door and stared at the ground. They had their arms wrapped around each other, and tears were painted on their eyes. I stared at Dad and waited for his expression to turn to something readable.

I banged on the glass in an attempt to grab their attention. "What happened?"

Phoebe's hysterical cry hurt my ears. Mom stood in front of Dad and talked to him. I could only make one thing out.

"We need to go back in there."

As an immediate response, I opened the car door.

"No!" Mom yelled.

I ran towards them. "I need to see it!"

I grabbed Mom's hands, and tears filled my eyes. My heart rate exhausted me.

"Mama! Papa!" Phoebe cried from inside the car.

Mom let go of my hands and walked towards the car. "I have to get the hammer."

Dad stared at the ground, irresponsive and silent. I stared at him, but he didn't make eye contact with me. Mom grabbed the hammer from the trunk and circled back through the garage. I followed her.

Mom ducked behind the side-view mirror of the white Mustang. I headed towards the house. I reached the fridge near the brick steps. I yelled and covered my head; and Mom jumped from the other side and attacked the growling shadow with her hammer. I blacked out.

...................................................................

When I regained consciousness, I was inside the house. My aunt sat on the floor in front of the kitchen table and held a gun in her lap. Mom stood behind the counter and hid her face in her hands.

My aunt looked up at me with her eyes half-open and smiled. "Hey, sweetie. Where's Phoebe and your dad?"

I walked over to her. Blood ran down her leg. "Where's Mama? What happened to your leg?"

"She's in her room," she said.

I headed towards the bedroom.

She grabbed my hand. "Don't go in there."

"Mimi, what happened to your leg?" I asked again.

"Sit and listen. Do you know how to use one of these?" She handed me the gun.

I crossed my legs on the floor. "No."

"You pull this part back when you need to use it." She demonstrated with her finger, leaving a far enough distance. "It's going to feel tough. Pull hard."

I stared at her intently. "What do I have to shoot?"

"You see how you and me both look like humans? That we look real? Well, whenever you see someone who doesn't look like that, who has an almost grey complexion, and who can't walk like a normal person can --"

"Like the people I saw in the street?" I interrupted her.

She smiled in relief. "Yeah. When you see someone like that, you have to shoot them. I know it's hard. I never wanted to kill people —"

I bowed my head to my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut as tears streamed out of them.

"But that's why I'm not going to make it. And that's okay. But you have to make it." She poked me, signaling me to look at her. "The people who look like that, they're dangerous. They'll hurt you, your mom and dad, and Phoebe. They'll try to kill you. And you can't let that happen. So you have to do what's hard, and you have to kill them."

My gaze went past her, towards the sun that shone through the window. "Is Papa dead?"

"Mallory, listen. Listen to me. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

I nodded.

"Ok, so show me." She scooted to the side. "Aim at that white railing outside the window and shoot it."

My hands shook as I held the gun. My finger hurt as I pulled the trigger back. A bullet shot out and a loud boom followed.

She smiled, almost laughing. "There you go. You're going to have to go out there, okay? It's not safe here. Take the gun. You give it to your parents to keep; but you know how to use it."

I looked at her through my blurry eyes. "You have to come with me."

"I can't. Listen, I know you can do this. Protect your sister, okay? Be careful. You're brave." She looked at Mom and smiled at her. "Right? Isn't she brave?"

Mom stared at her in shock, and her tears fell onto her hands.

Mimi grabbed my hand and opened it, and placed a small green turtle charm with silver markings inside of it. "Take this. It'll keep you safe. It's for good luck."

"Good luck?" I asked.

"Yeah. There has to be. You're the one in charge now. You're the only one who knows how to use a gun. You're going to need to show your sister. Show them how to survive."

I turned to Mom. "Can we get a doctor? Nothing's happened yet."

"No... this takes a while," Mimi said.

I stared at her leg. "Am I going to die too?"

"No. When I get to Heaven, with Mama and Papa, we're gonna be watching over you. Protecting you. Making sure you make it through this." She closed her eyes. "Be careful. Be kind, but be strong too. I love you."

Mom knelt beside me and held her hand on my back. "We've gotta get back home."

...................................................................

I laid on my bed and opened the Contacts app on the IPad. I searched for my aunt's number, my grandma's sister. She lived pretty close to us. I opened a new message.

"It's Mallory. Mama, Papa, and Mimi are all dead. They've become the sick things, or they will soon. We're stuck in our house and we don't know where else to go. I think we should go to DC, but Mom and Dad said we can't. But I want to go. If you're going, will you take me? Can you take all of us? It's the only safe thing. What if our house gets dangerous like theirs did?"

I hit send.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse

prologue:

Gatlinburg, Tennessee, 2013:

I grabbed onto the edge of the pool. The sun burned my face. My tears blended into the water.

The remote that controlled my being was a foreign force. It was the obstacle that kept me from being who I wanted to be, but was the reason I've always been the way that I was. Why I only ate chicken tenders and fries, why I was obsessed with Victorious, why I was afraid of planes, why I had an attitude most of the time, why whenever I was rude, I didn't realise it. It created me. It was the skeleton of my existence, but I cringed whenever I heard its name.

Ever since hearing the news, the uncertainty of whether I would be viewed differently bugged my head. My parents barely brought it up, but they probably thought about it as much as I did. They took note; they knew of this defining moment in their daughter's life. The fact that they had to reassure me they still loved me, that I was still who I was, had to have stemmed from at least a hint of uncertainty.

I was taken to the testing classroom with the puzzles and shapes so they could figure out whether I had ADD. When the woman flipped the spot the difference picture over, and on the back it read "autism", I was in denial. I wanted to ask them, so they could reassure me that it wasn't true, but I knew doing so would've choked me up. I hated the word the second I saw it. I connected it to why my hair was always frizzy, why I always wore t-shirts instead of dresses, why I squinted often, and why I had an ugly side-profile. It wasn't only why I had to hide, but it became the reason why I had to leave everything I knew.

My parents researched a middle school with a special education classroom, and they were going to take me out of my K-8 school, and place me there. I had to leave my friends, leave what I've gotten used to my entire life. I had to start completely new, where I knew no one. Dad told me sorry, and that it wasn't decided. But I knew that it was.

My parents' attention was drawn to Phoebe as they played in the water with her. They occasionally gave me a stare, confused as to why I was crying. The water swayed against my back, almost entering my ears. I stood firm, and scraped my fingers against the edge of the pool, and didn't let it drag me under.

[thatmalmal]

what really happened: a memoir from the apocalypse

introduction:

When the world ended, Mallory was eleven years old. What Really Happened documents Mallory's experiences from the apocalypse, as well as the survivors she knew, and how it changed them. It encompasses destruction, death, and despair, as well as hope, love, and life. This completely blunt memoir doesn't hold anything back, and doesn't shy away from the awkwardness of growing up, or the bleakness of the world falling apart. As the survivors battled with what it took to survive, they discovered how much they could lose before they lost themselves. Some were made weaker, some were made stronger, and some learned to change the world itself. These are the stories of who made it, and who didn't. Told through Mallory's eyes.

-R.A.B,

a friend of the author.

[thatmalmal]

when u get a new special interest

[thatmalmal]

Them: You shouldn’t label yourself!

Me:

[thatmalmal]

Trying to share your special interest with others like….

[thatmalmal]

me in middle school

[thatmalmal]

If that’s not autistic culture, I don’t know what is lol.