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[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

"Push."

Today was the day! It was finally here! The day Kimberlina had been looking forward to since accepting the fact this was actually happening and she was going to be a mother.

"Push."

"I can't... I'm so tired."

"Yes you can just one more big push and you can rest."

After today she could finally start shopping and preparing for the little one. Today was gender reveal day. The day she had been waiting five months for. Kimberlina was far too impatient to wait until the birth of her unborn child to know the gender. All the moodiness, nonstop morning sickness and unbearable cravings would be worth it. Finding out the sex of the baby meant she could finally start shopping and decorating the nursery. There was something about infant size clothing that made her hard shell melt, it was fashion in tiny size and her child would definitely be the most well dressed.

However today everything would not go as planned. Today was not an exciting day, today was the absolute scariest day of her life. A type of fear Kimber did not know was possible to feel. It was the kind of fear only a mother could ever know. Truth was she never lacked the motherly nature, she had it all along. It had just lied dormant because nothing activated it until the moment Dr. Porlanda informed her that her baby's heart was failing. A 3D ultrasound would show that baby kenzo had a heart valve that did not work properly. The strain was causing her unborn child to slowly go into cardiac arrest. He or she was dying. It was made clear that Kimberlina could choose to carry the baby to term but the heart will give out before then. The second option? Dr. Porlanda could break her water to cause her body to go into premature labor, the baby would be only be a little more over a pound and live in the NICU for the next four to five months with essentially a battery pack keeping his or her heart pumping.

She did everything right, she let go of selfish addictions and habits, that was not easy cold turkey but she did it. So she never imagined that today would turn into her lying in a hospital bed in labor. Her body felt every contraction to the fullest. Due to the heart being in failure she could not go under for a cesarean section. The baby's heart was too weak for two surgeries. The device that would be connected to the baby's heart will require surgery. There were so many factors and specific details without any guarantee of baby kenzo's survival. It was a lot to take in with very short time to make a decision. In another words Kimberlina did what any mother would do in her situation and pick the option that at least gave her child a chance. Labor was labor even with a premie when the labor had to be natural.

That final push, the last hoorah should be the most joyous moment for expecting parents but not for these two. The last push and arrival of baby kenzo was followed by silence. No cries of a baby entering the world just the doctors and nurses scrambling around the room. Was it normal? Maybe? She had absolutely no idea this was not a normal full term birth. She surely was not tired anymore. Kimber's eyes immediately locked on Lorenzo who was watching in the same horror of worry that she had been. She squeezed his hand and for a moment she found comfort in his eyes when be looked down at her. A second of comfort that gave her a hope that would quickly fade away with three words.

"Start chest compressions."

Her heart sank hearing that flatline across the monitor. It was the most horrific sound she could have ever experienced. What only last for a couple of seconds felt like hours. A faint heart beat returned and the incubator was rushed out of the room for surgery with the entire medical team in her room except for Dr. Porlanda. A million questions swarmed in her head but she just laid there in a silent daze still gripping Lorenzo's hand who had no issue finding his voice. Could anyone blame him? His loud tone was purely fear and the bantering questions was a concerned parent hoping for an answer for everything is going to be alright. But in their case neither of them were not going to hear that from Dr. Porlanda or any other doctor. Everything is going to be alright is a promise that no doctor could currently make to the two.

"Listen I know you are both worried but your son is in the best hands for this procedure and right now we need..."

"Son? It's a boy?" A smile had found it's way to those pouted lips of hers. "It's a boy!" Her hand released from Lorenzo's to touch her stomach. For a moment she had almost forgot be was not in there anymore.

Dr. Porlanda rested her hand on the side of Kimberlina's arm, "I'm gonna have a nurse come in and switch out these IV bags. It's time to take care of you right now. I'll get some meds ordered and I promise to let you know as soon as I hear anything."

Little did they know an update would come before the doctor even made it out the door of the room. Kimberlina might have been wrong, the worst sound she had ever heard in her life was the sound of Dr. Porlanda's phone ringing. His heart stopped all together before the procedure could even begin. And though Kimber knew this was a possibility none of that medical jargon could have prepared her for the amount pain that came with such loss. Her silence broke with cries of despair, the ache she felt in her chest made it impossible to breathe. It all felt surreal, she did not want to believe that any of this was real. It couldn't be. She did everything right. Nothing made sense. This should not have happened. She took her vitamins, avoided unsafe food and didn't use. But still this happened... There was no comfort to ease a pain like this one. The tighter Lorenzo squeezed her the more she wept, the more the loss of their son hurt.

Today was not the day.

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

There are several test we take throughout life, sometimes there is failure and sometimes there is success. But what happens when we pass a test and the last thing we feel like doing is celebrating? What if passing that test meant our lives change forever?

No, no, this was not how this was suppose to happen. The reality of the matter was not one that Kimberlina was ready to accept but her eyes could not look away. It was as if she was in a daze waiting to see her eyes were playing tricks on her. This was really happening. This absolutely changed everything. Kimber sat there on her couch in her loft in Vegas what felt like hours before realizing that it was no mistake, she was not delusional and she.... passed? Was that the name for it? She clearly did not fail. Hazel green hues peered down at her phone in her hand, pads of her fingers swiping across her screen as she did the pattern to unlock her phone. She had never been in this position before. Who did she call? Who did she tell?

First there was Juliet, her best friend, her soul friend, her life partner in everything. Juliet was the woman Kimberlina shared absolutely everything with. There was no secrets and she tended to be the person Kimber went to whether it was good or bad. They celebrated each other, they supported one another, they lifted each other up. There was a reason their bond was unlike any other friendship. Their love and loyalty to each other was one rare to find in this world between friends, maybe that was because they got being enemies out of the way as teens. From that point on they only grew together and never apart.

Then there was Lorenzo, dear Lorenzo. The man who made her butterflies flutter and tamed the wild of her heart while equally igniting it on fire. Even still... even still. Over the past year he had become someone she could tell anything to, he accepted her; the good, the bad and the bratty. Their relationship was heated, intense and to on lookers probably appeared toxic but that's because no one would ever understand the love the two of them shared. Not being together, now that was toxic. No matter what they were going through right, no matter how many miles apart they were or possibly not were; knowing him it would not surprise her if his ass was in Vegas too but he was her soulmate the person in life she wanted to share everything with. He had her back, he too much like Juliet celebrated her. Life had shown together they were unstoppable.

And there lied the problem. Telling Juliet or Lorenzo meant celebration. It meant they would be happy for her but she was unsure if she was happy for herself. Right now she felt like her entire life was up in the air and if she told anyone it would make all of this more real. She had not had time to fully process any of this and once she put this out there in the world it meant she could no longer question what sat before her eyes. Her mind was spinning a million miles a minute and as of right now she knew nothing other than she could tell no one. Not right now. Not ever...? No, no. Not ever, just not right now. Right now she needed to find her cool and stop hating herself for taking a pregnancy test. Whoever said ignorance was a bliss knew what they were talking about.

"How did this happen?" She bit her bottom lip nervously standing up from her white cushioned couch. Her eyes once again glancing at the words that red pregnant before beginning to pace back and forth in a manic state. "I mean I know how this happened, loads and loads of sex..." Her British accent laid heavy as she spoke to herself. It had a tendency to come out more when she was upset. "Amazing, incredible and leg quivering sex. Why in the bloody hell had God blessed that man with such an irresistible dick?" She groaned tossing her head back looking at the ceiling as she shook her fists in the air. "WHY?!" Truth was maybe she was not as shocked at the results but more shocked it had not happened sooner. She knew the risk, she knew the possibilities. It was not like they had exactly ever practiced safe sex. She has put all her faith in that stupid little pink pill. Kimberlina knew better. She was smarter than this. Her womb was not baby proof past experiences had showed her that. But she was not mum material. However, she knew Lorenzo thought differently which only validated her decision in not him immediately.

"I need a drink." The frantic vixen headed towards the kitchen without much thought grabbing a bottle of whiskey to calm her nerves. Her emotions were all over the place and she naturally did not have the most rash thoughts prior to being hormonal, now that impulsiveness was amplified. "A little of this will help me relax and I can think rationally about the fetus..." Shit! Fuck! Damn it! She could not drink, she was infected with life. She screamed in rage swiping the bottle off the counter. She had never learned coping mechanisms that did not involve alcohol or cocaine. Which made her come to another realization that at very minimum she had to be at least four weeks pregnant. Meaning all that partying in California while acting a fool and the extreme partying she had done in the short two days she had been back in Vegas there had been large amounts of alcohol and cocaine consumed. That only added to her already panic.

"This is why I never wanted one of you, children ruin lives." But was Kimber really that selfish? Did she really hate the idea of putting someone else's needs before her own? The fact she had not drunk even a sip of that alcohol now that she knew she was pregnant showed she was not as cold and cruel as she let people believe. Even if no one was watching, she displayed vulnerability, the ability to care. In that split second she had put her child first. But was it enough to make her a good mum?

To be continued...

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

Late night when all the world is sleeping I stay up and strip for you. And I wish on a star that somewhere you are getting more hundreds. Cause I'm dreaming of big tips tonight so tomorrow I'll be rolling in bands. And there's nowhere in this world I'd rather be then here on this pole twerking for you and me!

📍SINsation

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]

[thats-so-sniffany]