thatsavorsstronglyofbittern-blog - Tumblr blog

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ugh I'm so emotional and just unhappy rn

I don't know if it's shark week or if it's just me being a douche to myself

I think I may take a break from the clob and facebook for a while but I dunno

life is just so stressful right now it's killing me

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welp

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god I'm just so overwhelmed right now

a friend of mine relapsed with her selfharm and I'm really really worried about her and I think she may become suicidal soon and I have no experience with selfharm so I can't help her even though I really really really want to and I've no idea what to do

and I can tell that I'm going to spend a fair few nights soon staying up late to make sure she's okay

and I don't really mind because I care more about her than about sleep but I've got school and band and sears to worry about holy shit I've got sears practice tomorrow after school shitshitshit and the exchange applications and hugh and my family and oh my god I'm so overwhelmed

and I want to talk to someone but I don't want to bring down my friends and I haven't had a real conversation with the person I used to talk to about this stuff in 6 weeks and a day and I want to talk to them really really badly but I can't and I don't know what to do and I'm so lost and confused 

shitshitshit she's crying I want to give her a hug really badly but fucking distance shittttttttttttttt 

I wish I could take all her pain

and all of the pain of the rest of my friends

and I could take it on

I'd do anything to make them feel better, even if it meant making myself feel like shit

whatever

as long as they felt better I'd do it without a second thought

but I can't

and it's killing me

I've taken to lighting tea candles and burning pieces of kleenexes on them just to relieve tension

I've become like

totally passive too

we get our marks back from semester 1 tomorrow and I don't really care anymore about what I got

although if I got less than a 90 in any of them I'm gonna be really pissed at myself 

I don't know if we had business homework and if we did I've done nothing to find out or to do it even though it's really easy and I just don't give a shit right now welp

grade 9 grades don't matter anyway

I've got a good reputation by now amongst the teachers and universities don't look at grade 9 grades

but wow if I do shitty this semester I'm gonna hate myself so much

wow I feel really sick

I've gotten to the point where I want to starve myself to the point where I like

pass out

because maybe then my parents will notice and maybe then I can tell them and maybe then people will come back and maybe then I'll feel like I have a valid reason to be sad

I'm like the kind of thin that thinspo blogs aspire to be and that scares the shit outta me

if there was a way I could stop existing without hurting my friends or family I would do it

but people rely on me

I don't want to leave my friend alone

I'm the main character in the play for sears and we've got 4 weeks to pull a whole fucking show together and if I wasn't there anymore then they'd be screwed

and they could probably get along without me in the band but whatever I'll pretend like they need me

and my parents have already invested money in the exchange I don't want to waste it

ugh my chest hurts so much I should eat but I don't want to

I just feel so

I dunno

drained?

and 

wait hold up I she's listening to a band I recommended to her aka one of the only bands that can calm me down and she's listening to the song from my songs-to-die-to playlist which is really calming and quiet

ugh I want to hug her I want her to be okay

this is long enough already I'll just

do another post with other things I forgot later

I need to take my makeup off and get into pyjamas

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#OH MY GOD HANNAH GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE #secretlypotter

MARIAH BB

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I think everything's okay and then I see something and it all hits me and I can't breathe and I want to throw up and I want to sob everything sucks

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snow makes me feel like I should be doing productive things

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reminder that one time alex carpenter told me to feel better because I had a cold

also he shook his butt at his computer during a happy dance at a blogtv show

bless him

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it's sNOWING OUT

EW

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stop having friends that aren’t me 

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being an adult is really scary

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life is stupid

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don’t talk to me i’ll get attached and hate everyone else that talks to you

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I feel like Charlie from Perks right now

this isn't good

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I spend half my day yelling "kitten!!" in various tones and pitches

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I feel like little lion man is the story of my life right now

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WOAH MAN MY HIPSTER BLOG (aka my baby) HAS 40 FOLLOWERS NOW??

I'M SO HYPE OH MY GOD