thav

[thav]

[thav]

04/26/2024-- Update

hello

I don't know where else to put these feelings, so here it goes-- I was sexually assaulted this Tuesday.

No matter which way I look at it, the facts at the end of the day are that I was coerced and manipulated to the point where it felt like if I said no (any more times than I already had), it wouldn't mean anything so I just had to suck it up and let him finish so I could be alone.

Truth be told, this isn't the first time that I've felt extremely powerless or uncomfortable during sex-- I've found myself minimizing my feelings because sometimes the idea of consent just doesn't really mean anything to people... and in theory it feels like it would be the twist of the knife if I said no (again, any more times than I already had) and that wasn't honored (which it wasn't, in this case).. so I just tried to convince myself that I was totally ok with what's happening to my body... and I wasn't.

When Maddie got home from Maya's on Tuesday, I was debriefing them. I briefly remember saying something along the lines of "I've been through worse, and I know other people have too.... and I feel fine... so it's okay, but I do feel like a lot of my boundaries were crossed"

That night, I was visibly and evidently shaken. But, I left Maddie's room, made myself something to eat, watched Girls, and went to sleep at 3 AM.

I went to work the next day. I was doing fine.

Through all of this, it made me reminisce on my childhood and how I've always felt like I had to maintain a strong disposition for the sake of others-- specifically my family and loved ones.

I vividly remember the week-long mourning/memorial that we had for my brother when he died. I remember the masses of people coming in and out of our family's home to pay their respects to him and my parents, all while walking right past me. I was laying in the living room where the monks had found shelter for a bit, listening to music on my BlackBerry, while staring at the ceiling-- my frozen frame laid frivolously upon a rug we've carried over from our old house. My sister came up to me and asked me, "Are you okay?"

I said yes.

I go through phases of feeling like when I say something out loud in regards to how I feel, I have to stay ten toes down and stay in that feeling (within a positive and a negative connotation), because I've just always been like this. I think you can only lie to yourself for so long though. I think Tuesday was my breaking point.

Through the support of my sincerely loved ones, who have shared similar experiences and stories with me in the past, I do know that I'll eventually be ok. In the meantime, I'm going to take my time to learn and unlearn a multitude of things.

To learn:

this experience doesn't define me

I was not and never will be to blame

those who should really matter will show up for you when you need them the most

you are worthy of love

offer yourself more empathy in times of distress and feelings of alienation

To unlearn:

you don't always have to be ok

people's perception of you are your responsibility

you have to minimize how you feel for the sake of literally anyone

A letter to myself, later on-- because I know I'll need it:

Hi bb. I know you are hurting. I'm so, so incredibly sorry this happened to you. This really fucking sucks. I love you.

I just want you to know that even though this experience has shown you very vividly that people are not always what or who they seem, please don't lose your trust in people, or the kindness and/or warmth of your heart. I never want you to lose that. I think you are inherently as cautious as you can be when it comes to anything, which isn't a bad thing. It's actually a really, really good thing. But what this situation makes me realize is that you can be fucking cautious as hell. You can meticulously plan out certain events, and how you think you would react. You can literally be the nicest fucking person and expect that from other people, simply because it feels intuitive to you.

You can do literally *fucking* anything, and people can and will still take advantage of you, if they really, really want to. There's nothing you can do to prepare for betrayal.

I think it's so important to remember that in any situation, the next steps you take forward are the ones that matter the fucking most. I know you continued to trudge on with your life when this happened, and still showed up to work with a smile on your face, and still hugged your mom and told her you loved her, and were still filled with joy when you saw the faces of your niece and nephew-- you were still trying literally moments after something really traumatic happened to you-- and I think that's what I admire about you. You are a really strong person, and that's a trait you've continued to develop since you were a kid.

I just want you to know, that you don't always have to be strong, though. You don't have to rush processing your feelings. Don't rush this. It will probably take you a really long time to be ok. And that's ok. I'm in this moment right now, and I'm ok with it. I think you should be too. I will continue to try to set you up for success always. I'm going to work through this right now.

(I am about to play Smash with Maddie)

It'll all be ok. I love you so much. I'll be here if you need me!! Just let me know when.

Love,

Thav

[thav]

05/30/2023 - 12:59 AM

hi!

oooooooops i literally havent written here since Nervous came out lolol. i have a a lot to catch y’all up on but basically since i’ve been gone my sophomore album ‘Tommy Loves You’ came out??? I’m shook af

I had my release show last night and it was so amazing. The crowd was electric and I was so thankful to have people show up for the release of the album.

Re: my anxiety from a few months ago, I started to learn how to coexist with it and overcome it slowly but surely. I’ve been learning to seriously take it one day at a time and I think that’s been helping me a lot recently. I’ve been doing a lot better, and better at not placing the blame on being on my meds vs not, yada yada. Trying to be better always

Re: being on a consistent roll out until May-- super super gratifying experience and wouldn’t have traded it for the world. When Nyiko told me he wanted to release each song as a single via waterfall release I was apprehensive but I’m really glad we did. It was super special to give each track on the album the highlight and shine it needed, before existing in context with the whole album 🩸

I finally got added to an Apple Music and Spotify editorial playlist which was really sick. TLY premiered in Wonderland and METAL which I’ve been following for years. Idk i hate talking about this stuff because it makes me feel weird, like I’m bragging or something but I think it’s just the humility in me speaking lol. It’s actually really cool and I’m learning to be proud of myself so this is me taking up my corner of the internet to brag about it lol

Also the fucking short film came out too and ahhhhhhhhhhh. I literally cannot believe it’s out and I wouldn’t have been able to do it with Maddie- if ur reading this ily and i cant thank you enough for everything.

Now, i’m really excited to take it easy and live a normal civilian life for a bit. Need to save up $$$$$$$$$$$ to release this next album because it's not going to pay for itself!

Talk soon, 

Thav

[thav]

03/02/2023 - 9:14 AM

hello hello

i literally disappeared for a whole month hahah wtf ive been meaning to write on here but kept forgetting/feeling too depressed to

right now im waiting for my appointment with my psychiatrist to see how my meds are doing. i made a matcha with forgotten matcha mix in my fridge and im skeptical but i was too lazy to drive to starbucks lol. 

i hope you’ve been ok. i’ve been doing below average, but starting to feel like myself again. a lot lott lot of anxiety last month. i felt so uncomfortable and out of body it was disheartening lol 

Nervous comes out in 13 days and im fucking stoked. manifesting good energy but i feel like something good is to come and im excited. recently been comparing my life rn to my life like a year or two ago and its wild? still same setting but i feel so different now and i kind of miss my old state of mind where i feel like i was more courageous and free to do what i want. now i feel like i semi maintain that but mostly get anxiety about the future bc its so unsure even tho its so clear what i want to do and what im working towards. i really hope to prove myself wrong one day and tell myself that everything was meant to happen, as i (currently) have to past versions of myself.

learning that.... everything is gonna be ok. just gotta take it one day at a time. left foot before right foot. shit like that haha 

[thav]

01/25/2023 - 1:28 PM

hiiiiiii

i’ve been feeling like shit the last couple of days. not cus of the stuff i said in my last entry cus i think im over it now and im excited about my music? i have a common cold i think or its from smoking too much and being around people lol

announced struck coming out today. i have weird feelings about it coming out because the writing in it feels rly juvenile to me, and i wrote it so long ago. i guess this is part of having a release cycle hahahah

finished the video for N****** last night with maddie. it was rly fun to watch them in their ~element~ and give feedback where necessary which wasnt often hehe the video turned out exactly how i thought it would in my head :)

fuck i just released struck literally comes out NEXT WEEK lol but im excited to be on a consistent roll out until may. like thats so enticing to me and can't wait to see what happens from it :)

recently ive been wanting to not leave my apartment and just hang out with GOLI guy cus hes soooooooooo cute and cuddly and i feel bad having him stay home alone lol.

nothing else to phone home about so byeeeee

love u

[thav]

01/12/23 11:54 PM

holy fuck do i feel uncomfortable. i’ve been feeling this way for a few weeks now and it’s... unsettling hahaha i dont feel uncomfortable because something happened or im upset about something i just feel like somethings up and idk what and im sccaareeed )^:

goin thru another phase where im kinda hating everything i do lol i feel like i just really suck and everything does and im tired of it, im trying to be better and work past it but idk i feel really sad tbh

started working out and feeling like i have my shit together and its rlly hard to keep it together and keep trudging on thru while i feel like i cant BREATHE fuck

new single coming out next month though so thats exciting. think im too caught up rn by what other people are doing and aligning my idea of success to that instead of realizing everyone’s path is sooooo different.

im tired but still love u lol

[thav]

12/25/22 1:23 AM

hellllllo

i just got too nic high and had to lay my head on goliath’s furly body. 

i think with being bipolar i face a lot of like ,,subconscious mania? is that a thing? LOL but i feel like that extends itself to my perspective on things that are happening in the present moment 

but i went from feeling like i was on top of the fucking world and making the best music ive ever made for like 3 months but tthe project is semi finish and i feel like shit and everything i make is shit and really reallly bad even tho i know its not tru??? but my brain literally makes me hate myself lol idk

i wanted to come on here and say that everything is so fluid and i tthink as much as i love myself and my art, i will also hate it to a certain extent but finding that balance is realaly interesting but lry rly tiirng lol

my keyboard is fucked sorry

love u 

[thav]

12/19/22 1:33 PM

hey x

i know a few days ago i said i finished the project but i lied and i actually finished it yesterday :o 

i feel really happy with it but im still debating the pacing of everything-- the cadence in which the songs unravel in the environment, but i think thats actually due to the contextual themes in the songs. i have a really hard time distinguishing when/how brooding is good or bad, and how long it resonates after and i feel like ive felt that with this upcoming project too-- but im learning to try to counteract that and just let it happen. i think this will make more sense when you listen to the project one day

i actually feel really grateful and happy today. i have work at 4 but goliath is sleeping on my bed in the most picture perfect way possible and i already made  lunch/dinner (leftovers), had a coffee (might make a second). paid some bills today too lol. feel really excited to do small things like this cus i used to not be able to get myself out of bed like 2 years ago to do anything. :/ wish i could go back in time annd hug myself and tell me that it gets better soon and fast lol

hung out at Charlotte(Teather)’s last night for a little holiday get together-- it was rly fun and i love picking her brain. i feel like i will be sad when we dont live that close to each other anymore but that day is going to come so mentally preparing myself for that (char ily

however this entire week ive been hanging around people and i think, that when i am around other people that’s when i feel the most.. alone? but i also feel alone in the way that i do when im truly by myself? but i love.. spending time with myself, and being able to have any thoughts i want is usually standard but.. how can someone be loved who they grew up with a scarcity complex for love? and where do we go from here? i just feel like people are willing and able to show love to me but i run away from it because i want it to be in the most perfect telepathic way you could express love but doing it nonverbally... but even if that were to happen i still feel like i would be scared.... i’m still in the process of loving and accepting every bit of myself so it might take a sec lol

anyway, gonna go take a shower, get ready for work, and fuck off until i have to go :)

talk to you sooooooon

[thav]

12/17/2022 3:21 AM

hi~

i just finished my next project i think... i feel very satisfied and content with it so far :o i cant believe i finished another body of work that i somehow feel even more seen by than the one ive yet to put out lolol. but

these songs feel very... revolutionary. at least for me. i feel like the last few months creatively ive been embodying different spirits, souls and seances to create this project and it feels very enthralling and like... complete lol it’s really weird to write about things ive been going through recently and just like processing trauma constantly like holy fuck theres so much information

literally cant wait for you guys to hear this project one day. It’s gonna be my self-titled release :) 

also, i got to hang out with Eden again. I love hosting people and I made her pasta, salmon and a salad and we drank wine and soju and i got a little too drunk and passed out(sorry eden) but i revived before she left :) 

Gluccci-wucci has been sooooo cute and sweet recently but yaps like a motherfucker when he sees other dogs lol. But like its cute cus its his way of saying hi? 

Working on this latest project randomly gives me anxiety about going deaf one day because then how can i work on music lol but i guess theres always writing

One of my new years resolutions is to be better at playing guitar but also it's kind of charming to be a really shitty guitarist but write all of your songs on one? LOL

I am v tired bc i keep staying up way too late but still waking up in the early morning but likeeeeeee what are we gonna do lol

I started vaping again :o but its just for fun.. for now lol i will probably quit again sometime soon

I love my mom

I love you

Thav

[thav]

11/21/2022

hello :)))

today it is monday. I’ve been back on my meds for almost two weeks now-- my body won’t let me sleep in past 7 am anymore lol

i’m writing the best music of my career so far right now and i havent even put out my first project with my label lol i feel so enticed and hungry rn by the idea of continuing to craft the environment i’ve already made with these first three demos.. can’t wait for everyone to hear em

i felt like when i was in public a handful of times i wanted to break down and cry but just like a nicotine craving it kinda disappeared after i stopped paying mind to it lol

hmmmm. nothing else really happened. i’ve just been cooped up in my room working on new music lol. i’ll tell u the latest song ive been working on though, is called ‘Eastern Cold’ 🤠🤫

Love u x

btw this is me V drinking a raspberry rbis with just a splash of coconut milk :)))) i normally do blackberry vanilla but fred meyers had limited options lol

i love living in Seattle and i love being alive and i love chasing after my dreams and going after everything i’ve ever wanted since i was a kid<333333333333

[thav]

11/16/2022 - Update

hey hi hello ♡ 

today my body woke me up at 5 am. it was a really weird occurrence but it was super fated-- ran into Eden at a coffee shop near where I picked up biscuits and gravy (literally had been craving in the wee hours of the morning and have woken up randomly and debated on going to get it then going back to sleep cus i have no effort lol) who i haven't seen in a little under a year? at anna’s house a while back, but she didn’t recognize me because i had a mask on and i was still waking up lol but i heard a delivery worker say “thanks eden” and we had a reunion moment ♡ 

i had a really beautiful day with Maya and Maddie-- we got vietnamese coffee (my second coffee of the day, i later had caffeine anxiety from smoking as well T____T) and bagels and i took goliath on TWO walks today (he lowkey was being bad today tho and wasnt listening to me >_<)

i got to connect with Maya over death within our immediately families, and it made me realize i still am processing my brother’s death and will for the rest of my life, and that addiction is so much bigger and consuming than a first hand experience, and my relationship with everything in my life i weigh with a fear of losing myself because i watched my brother lose himself for 11 years straight :’(

i.. have been feeling like an impostor recently, i don’t doubt my art or myself a lot but when i do it hits me like a truck.... i look at myself in the mirror and wonder if this is really feasible for me to be trying to conquer... i say this alll the time but i really am just a kid from everett and i don’t know how much power or impact i can wield but.... i’m open to figuring it out and trying... because i believe in the power in love and vulnerability and being honest gets you where you need to be half the time.... right?

i’ve been working on a new demo for the last 3-4 days and i was working on it a little more when i got home from work, and i got super high and checked my email and Nyiko told me about Stem wanting to do a feature on me for ‘Twin Sized Bed’. i started crying immediately when i read the email, and then i started thinking to myself that i dont really deserve this and they’re wasting their time on me, but then i started crying more because like the way im conditioned to think i should just get used to suffering/being miserable for my entire life is actually really sad LOL  i can be overtly emotionally aware and understand that i dont deserve to have that perception of myself but like what do i do now knowing this like >_< I’M TIRED GRANDPA

i think i’lll remember today in my older days... this felt like the beginning to something new. big or small ♡ 

[thav]

11/13/2022 - Update

hiiiiii

i havent been on here in a min so i decided to do a little check in / update on where i’m at 

currently, i’m vaguely sick because i’ve been going out this entire week which was really fun but ultimately comes at a cost, i went to Rhein haus for the first time and it was cool i guess. i drank a rainier per usual

i was out with new friends again yesterday and it was fun, i love the imagery of house parties, and even just being a young adult in seattle, it’s always been something i’ve been inspired by since i was a little kid. i feel like when i first got there i really wanted to leave but i had a few shots and it was fun... i’m still unpacking what that means LOL never want to be too hypothetical/deep but my relation with my vices is interesting and wavering and i’m constantly learning about it each time i go out loll especially since my best friend has been sober for over like 100 days or something?

sometimes when im at work i really hate my job and know that i should and could be doing so much more.. but honestly i feel like everything beyond my life would feel very... baseless? and a waste if i don’t go through this slow season right now. i go to work a lot and get glimpses of what i know my life is going to be and how my art will be received one day and i genuinely get really happy i start tearing up.  i’ve spent a lot of years dimming my own light and feeling like i never deserved to even create a platform for means of celebration for myself... knowing how much i deserve this now it makes me 10x more hungry to keep hustling and keep refining my craft, and expanding on that

i met this girl who i’ll name Kayla who’s probably never gonna read this, but if you do im sorry lol (but not really bc you were lowkey mean when i first met you) but i remember walking into this guys apartment with her (i met her 10 mins before at my other friends apartment) and I feel like i already didn’t really connect with her because we had the dreaded conversation of being two people in their early twenties in proximity to the University of Washington-- are you at UW, what’s your major, etc etc. i have no problem telling people i actually dropped out of college to fully pursue my music career, but i never really go out of my way to say it and in fact i usually try to defer from even having that conversation to begin with. but anyway, after some prying i told her about my artist project and she seemed really dismissive and didn’t care.. and i brushed it off because i expect that from people that aren’t versed in this world-- i understand that not everyone cares about it so it’s whatever. so after this i’m like still trying to make conversation because we’re all just waiting for our friend to finish making our cocktails. and she goes, “oh, you’re trying to have a conversation! i’m really really good at small talk, like i do this for work all the time”

it’s funny because i feel like i’m somehow used to people diminishing me or making me feel small, but i feel like it says way more about Kayla than me as to the basis or assumption she made of my character just because i didn’t work some job in consulting/accounting as her like most of the people at that party (they were all rly nice tho) 

but the thing that gets me the most is that i know i’m super intuitive/emotionally intelligent and i express that through my art, and when we started drinking more, and Kayla was feeling more chatty, she started talking to me about her parents and her feelings towards that, and i feel like she appreciated me for listening

i empathize because i do not have the best relationship with my parents but this was just an example of how funny it is to me how small scale non creative people make art seem, when in reality you consume art all the time and you dont even know it... not trying to label a conversation or a trusting moment as art but.. it is and is relative to the way people see the world and why they make art to begin with

felt like she slapped me, then cried, then said thank you 

i dont take it too personally though just because ive been dealing with this for so long.. but to anyone out there who is in the beginning stages of their artist project like me... people are gonna misinterpret you on purpose, they’re not gonna fully see your own vision... but your whole life is never gonna be about trying to make them believe in you. i always felt like thats what it would be like and i honestly think that's why it took me so long to fully dive into my artist project. but now that i’ve let all that shit go, i’m honestly just really dedicated to showcasing my thoughts and emotions the most coherent and honest way i can. i feel like, i was born into a world without a choice, and am “forced” to live this life, so i really just want to be able to document it fully. i’ll leave you with one of my favorite mantras: 

“we are all the universe witnessing itself from one perspective”

 love love love love love you

Thavoron

[thav]

10/25/2022 - Twin Sized Bed

hiiiii <3

today is officially the day that I guess i’m gonna start promoting another single 😵

i got the day off of work (still dtf). i was supposed to work at 12 but then my manager told me to stay home lol

it’s currently 4:39 rn, it’s soo rainy and soo cold my feet feel like ice cubes lol but

i’m really excited to share this single i guess? never in a million years would I have ever thought this song would come out as a **single**.... like ever. that’s how close I hold it to my heart I guess and it’s weird to shine a light on it so close. but i guess that’s what my artist project has consistently being about- shedding past various layers of yourself.. and i feel like i should be really proud of this song coming out the way that it is. i just feel so awkward and shy because this song is about all the ways ive had to learn how to love myself for the way that i am growing up-- it’s super weird to verbalize it but damn i really am lonely just in nature, even now as an adult and honestly sometimes feel like i was born to feel everything and i feel really exhausted by it... but there’s nothing else I can really do except keep pushing forward hahaha

twin sized bed is for all the kids who were told they were super mature growing up (not because they actually were, but because it was a trauma response to not react in any shape or form to anything), or the kids who’s parents would strip their tooth and nail everyday to provide a better life for their children, without realizing there’s no 100% foolproof way to achieve love, satisfaction nor warmth. there’s no written out guide, and sometimes i forget that it’s also my parent’s first time being alive. this song is for people learning to show themselves some grace, but the people who raised them as well. i wanted to give a platform for the feelings of despair and sadness to the people who haven’t ever felt like they’ve been able to feel those things

my mother used to hold me as a child while wiping away my tears when i’d cry, while yelling at me to stop crying. i’ve lived this juxtaposition my entire life

i have mixed feelings about this, but regardless, the position in my life i’m in now, i do know now that i am allowed to have feelings and express them, but growing up in this way has drawn such a distinct line for me as to how much i’ll feel through emotions, but also know when to pick myself up to continue living a life for myself. so so bittersweet and i feel like even after writing this song... i’m not sure in which way to continue to float around hahah it feels like i’ve just achieved that step where I’m able to acknowledge trauma and understand it thoroughly but i haven’t gotten this far so now i don’t know what’s next... but i’m glad i get to share this in real time while i figure it out as i’m sure most of you are too 💌

[thav]

10/07/2022 update

hiiiiii. if you're reading this lol.

it’s currently fall, and i have a candle lit next to me

i’m re-organizing my ~online aesthetic~ so i’m getting an actual website but that means i can use this more as a diary online now since it's v low-key and i feel like no one even reads these hahahhahaha

my 22nd birthday was last week and i just feel so awkward getting older lollolol like i just want to disappear

and i’ve been fighting with my dad again. still at my deadend serving job, it feels so unfulfilling lol like im actually really tired of it.. but it could be worse i guess

i’m reallly excited to connect with you more and have you listen to my new stuff. it’s v diff from what i’ve done before in every aspect... visually, logistically, sonically, lyrically, etc. rebirth is a constant theme in my art and i feel like you’ll definitely understand that with this new project.

def talk soon

love u sm

x

thav

[thav]

18

totally copying and pasting this first part from my IG but imma add stuff after LOL 

“it was such a process to fully illustrate the sadness in the sexy in the sadness 💔

this seriously was a passion project of mine and i’m so thankful to invite people so dear to my heart to come together and collaborate on something based on a time in my life where i deeply felt so alone. 

it’s really weird to have a tangible, visual representation of an emotion that i’ve felt for so long— on top of this, writing about an experience that i’ve gone through in a more abstract and broad perspective in a way that i haven’t done with my art before was really teaching.

i cannot tell you all how much i wish a form of art existed like this when i was younger. i feel like so many barriers are being broken just by the existence of this project and it still shakes me to my core. i hope 18 brings you clarity and power in one way or another. you’re not someone’s little doll who twirls + yearns in a division of the mind, with a hope that you’d be interesting enough for someone to see you. you’re not just some quick fuck. you were never the one to wait for other p eople to save you from your own life. you’re someone that’s compassionate, honest, and open about their emotions that’s worthy of everything and more. people will take advantage of that if you let them. 🕯

it feels so empowering to feel fucking hot and sexy on my own accord— dancing, emoting, + gazing are things i once used to do for other people, and i’m finally giving myself my OWN energy. it took me so long to have this reclamation and i’m so ecstatic to now share this part of me with you all. i so deeply wish i heard this song when i was going through the things that i was.

18..19..20.. and 21 year old Thav— you’re fucking sick. you turned something really, really ugly into something so striking and beautiful. loving you always and the inner strength you give me is so engulfing sometimes 🪄🧸”

OK now i can go into more depth because IG hated me the day this came out and wouldn’t let me post my full caption LOLOL

18 was a fucking WILD ASS ROLLERCOASTER

LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU GUYS

this is for contextual purposes

when i was 13-- my first concert ever was HAIM. i’ve looked up to them for my whole life basically.

when i was 17-- Melodrama by Lorde was such an impactful record for me and my teenage years. my favorite song on that project was Writer In The Dark (the strings are gorgeous)

when i was 19-- Norman Fucking Rockwell by Lana Del Rey came out. I didn’t get the whole album at first, but one song stuck out to me-- Love song. the strings in the intro literally could make me cry in itself.

fast forward to when im living in seattle again, in 2021, but this time solely for music. i connect with a podcaster named Blake. Blake tells me that he has a producer friend that’s worked with soooo many artists in the area. and i’m like cool! but it didn’t really grab me or pull me in to be super desired to meet this person

and then i look him up on google one more time. and my jaw drops from looking at his discography

one day i go to his studio with Blake because Blake was insistent that i meet him and at this point i was way more excited to meet him than Blake was for me to meet him. this was the day the trajectory of my life changed forever.

He introduced me to Phillip Peterson, from Tennis Pro.

an AMAZING cellist, bass player, and producer.

get this--

HE WORKED WITH HAIM. LORDE. LANA DEL REY.

literally i’m still fucking freaking out over this. IM LITERALLY SOME RANDOM KID FROM EVERETT AND IM WORKING WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS WORKED WITH MY IDOLSSSSSS

and he’s literally born and raised in seattle. like how fucking cool is that

anyway

i email over phil a song of mine and he fucking kills it-- and i had just written 18 at this point

i wrote a new song with Spencer and I sent it over to my label (s/o Trailing Twelve love you the most) saying that I wanted to replace it with 18 (because 18 was originally on the tracklist of a project we’re putting together)

Nyiko, my label owner said the new song was great! but why cut 18? it’s such a good song (at this point the chorus did not exist and it was literally just a bare bones demo-- just guitar and vox)

to this, i said ok! i have a studio session with Phil and Spence in a few days and don’t know if I wanna make something from scratch, so i’ll bring it in and see how i feel about it!

YOU GUYS

the way this fucking song unfolded itself SO FAST was actually surreal..... it was literally like i was exhaling super hard and finally taking in new air... Phil and Spencer helped me see such a new side of this song and it’s super ironic because now it’s the first single out after Ugly which is really wild to me cus i never saw this coming LOLL

fast forward again, we finish the song, i’m utterly obsessed and obviously start thinking about visuals

me and Maddie were talking about visuals for another single that I thought I was gonna put out first, and we were brainstorming new concepts for the visuals of 18

and i had an idea of still applying the concept of the other song.. onto 18 because i was thinking lyrically-- this song is literally about restriction, confinement, solitude. that’s such a message you can achieve by being in a motel room by yourself. we had Gemma from Giiirlband Productions help us out and they are fucking astonishing at what they do. me and maddie came to the set with no shot list, no plan, just straight up vibes. gemma whooped us into shape and the video really wouldn’t be what it is today without them. like i said earlier, i just felt so powerful in this video, showcasing a song that i worked on with so so so many people who are so important to me and this new-found energy that came from releasing this project will stay lit inside of me for the rest of my life. i now know who i am, what i want, and i’m not changing for anyone. 

i found power within me

[thav]

Ugly

ugly!!!!!!!!

this song makes me so happy because it sounds so sweet but the lyrics are also really sad LOL

i feel like this was the perfect way to end the album because i absorbed so many traits of the individual songs on Ugly into the title track and it just felt so encompassing of all the emotions that i’ve gone through-- but again, still looking at this entire thing with a sense of positivity through sonics. 

i also had my niece Mila sing the chorus of this song with me which i thought was really precious to hear her literally since the word “ugly” in such a cute and endearing voice <3

this song gives me like the black screen ending to the credits summarizing the coming-of-age movie that you just watched while listening to my album LOL idk

i feel like i do not really have anything to say about this song but i do love it a lot and it feels so special to listen to it every now and then ^__^

[thav]

for your love

for your love was ultimately the last song i added  to the album. it was just this little teeny tiny melody i had but i had been listening to a lot of beatles at this point and idk. i really loved the lyricism in this song and the guitar in it.. however i will say i think it would’ve been more impactful if i went for an intentional interlude moment and gotten it properly mixed and mastered instead of having it be super subdued and underwater like almost. idk im literally writing this right now and im having second thoughts and im like ok maybe the subdued vibe is kinda cool LOL

i never really gravitate towards this song when i listen or talk about Ugly but it’s such an integral part of the project that I can’t even really shit on it or anything. the lyrics are beautiful and a sentiment that i’ve always wanted to touch on-- wanting someone to pine over me for once instead of me constantly begging on my knees for people to love me i guess.