the-addict-inside

[the-addict-inside]

Had an overwhelming weekend of emotions if I'm honest and the want to use has been all over me.

A close friend had a big relapse again and it put me in my shit it really fuckin did man. I managed to share back at a meeting on Saturday which made me emotional but not enough to cry. To be honest I'm envious of people who can cry on demand I wish I could the lighten the load with a good cry but at the moment that's not for me. Did alot over the weekend comedy, cinema, meetings, food and friends. The new jackass movie is boss. Ate WAY TOO MUCH FOOD as usual. Happy for another day clean. 💙🙏

[the-addict-inside]

I feel fukiin great today. Amazing, wonderful, grateful all these things these emotions are the ones i love and I do realise I need to take the good with the bad. And today has been good. I'm around the right people and getting my hugs at meetings makes me feel part of. I thank you so much to my support network.

I cant. We can 💙

[the-addict-inside]

Iv really struggled recently with leaving the house and feeling paranoid and the voices have been making an appearance I'm a bit lost it's like everything well no it's not like it has. Everything has changed. I'm just fed up of people constantly taking the piss out of me it's not fair fuxkin giving each other affirmation and co signing each others bullshit and now because they've been seen to do it there friends fuckin join in aswell like it's acceptable. Like there projecting onto me. Its fuckin nonsense and I dont deserve it my feelings ARE valid.

I went to a meeting tonight I fuckin needed it and you know what it was beautiful man I had such a good time took alot in got my hugs and connected with a friend since hes 3 days back.in then called my sponsor but just for today I am still clean and I dont need to use on these emotions

[the-addict-inside]

Today I am 69 days clean and cant wait to pick up that red key ring. Iv put stepwork off this week for no particular reason. I spent time with a friend today and his family it was such a blessing and I enjoyed being in a family environment it was lovely as well as the Sunday dinner. I'm gonna start my health kick this week and make an effort to goto the gym. I'm not enjoying time with my housemates at the minute because one keeps singling me out and making me feel left out but in reality what someone thinks of me is nothing to do with me. Hope you've all had a great weekend

[the-addict-inside]

Through starting step 3 I'm starting to feel somewhat of a release. Like releasing my burdens. I'm over thinking less I'm actually travelling okay. I grieved after step 1 and after step 2 I feel enlightened to what this program has to offer. I'm grateful for my family back home and I'm grateful for the friends I have in my support network.

I cant use no matter what

Just for today I wont use and that's good enough for me.

Blessed 🙏❤

[the-addict-inside]

Today I surrender to the NA program just as I did yesterday and just as I will do tomorrow. Iv just started my step 3 and I have no intention of taking my foot off of the gas. I'm so f****** happy right now. My washing is up to date my space is clean my Bill's are on time. Like I'm living a real life its overwhelming if I'm honest. I'm 64 days clean and serene I am under no illusion to get complacent but I will enjoy the good times and I will learn from the bad. This is my journey and mine alone. See since iv handed my life over to my higher power I dont overthink as much because if there is anything I will struggle with a God of my understanding will be there at the forefront to help me and that's a fact. Just for today I am grateful for this path I'm on and that I have a God working in my life today 🙏❤

[the-addict-inside]

I heard something in a meeting tonight that will stick with me and it was so powerful

I measure the growth of my recovery in the relationships I have built and am building

And I fuckin loved that it's so true. When I use I isolate and disconnect and only speak to people to get stuff from them where as now I have healthy relationships.

I'm so grateful for the fellowship.of na

[the-addict-inside]

What a great weekend. Picked up a key ring committed to all my service thu fri sat.

Connected with friends who were struggling which in favour also helped me. I'm slowly learning compassion which is massive for me but I'm grabbing onto my recovery with both hands I will not waste the gracious opportunity iv been given.

Stay blessed folks ❤

[the-addict-inside]

What a great day. Iv been sat overthinking, thinking people were talking about me etc in reality iv came to realise what people say about me is none of my business not everyone is gonna like me and I dont blame some of them Haha but I spent the last few days thinking a certain person thinking he was angry at me in reality there was no issue I made the problem in my head

[the-addict-inside]

Today is going to be a good day

[the-addict-inside]

They can’t have it both ways!

[the-addict-inside]

[the-addict-inside]

How am I today?

I'm not sure if tried to listen to some educating podcasts and I can honestly say right now I'm absorbing information like a sponge after all I cant learn whilst I speak. I wrote a letter last night it had a few pages. I dont feel it's done yet. There is no particular order if I'm honest but the letter was to the person iv caused the most harm. My dad.

It is a letter basically explaining that despite all the bad I did, the hurt I caused that unfortunately I am responsible for it I have to be held accountable I have to admit and accept the damage I did. I know that the things I have done I did for the want of drugs or for the want for money for drugs. They were my only 2 goals for the last 7/8 years . And you can bet your ass I achieved my daily goal no matter how much carnage hurt and pain it caused. I would not allow myself to go without I even convinced myself the lies I told were the truth I suppose mini justifications for my behaviour made it feel okay. In active addiction I felt nothing I'd sooner let someone die than give up a bag of drugs and that's what it does to us addiction does not discriminate.

Just for today I'm grateful I have a higher power working in my life

[the-addict-inside]

I feel good today. Despite my sleeping pattern being somewhat ruined I'm feeling positive. Today I have cleaned, hoovered and shaved and feel so fresh. Iv almost finished my Step 2 and it feels great I feel growth within myself I have started to identify why I act the way I act and speak the way I speak. Sometimes it is so hard to face yourself face the flaws and notice you.might indeed have acted like a c***. I have accepted I'm an addict and full surrendered to the 12 step program of NA. However I feel someone in my house has a problem with me I could be wrong before this would have been massive and I probably.would have built a resentment and left but I now have the ability to deal with me and only me. If someone has a problem with me it's none of my business I still have love for the person. With my higher power I am finding a better way to live.

My name is ****** and today I am a very grateful addict

[the-addict-inside]

One thing I am beginning to enjoy is my own company. But so much so I feel drained of being alone but yet find solace.

The time I've had has given the allowance for me to work my way through my step 2 with patience and ease. Just for today I am grateful for my recovery and that I DO NOT NEED drugs to make me hide from what I feel. 🙏❤💯

[the-addict-inside]

I am Your Disease

I hate meetings.

I hate your higher power.

I hate anyone who has a program.

To all who come in contact with me,

I wish you suffering and death.

Allow me to introduce myself...

I am the disease of addiction.

Alcoholism, drugs and eating disorders.

I am cunning, baffling and powerful. Thats me!

I've killed millions and enjoyed doing it.

I love to catch you by surprise.

I love pretending I'm your friend and lover.

I've given you comfort.

Wasn't I there when you were lonely?

When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me?

I love to make you hurt.

I love to make you cry. Better yet...

I love it when I make you so numb,

You can't hurt and you can't cry.

You feel nothing at all.

I give you instant gratification.

All I ask for in return is long term suffering.

I've always been there for you.

When things were going right, you invited me back.

You said you didn't deserve to be happy.

I agreed with you.

Together we were able to destroy your life.

People don't take me seriously.

They take strokes seriously.

They take heart attacks seriously.

Even diabetes, they take seriously.

Yet, without my help, these things wouldn't be possible.

I'm such a hated disease, yet I don't come uninvited.

You choose to have me.

Many have chosen me, instead of love and peace.

I hate all of you who work a 12step program.

Your program, your meetings, and your higher power weaken me.

I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.

I am your disease.

For now I must lie here quietly.

You don't see me, but I'm growing more powerful everyday.

When you settle for mere existence, I thrive.

When you feel fully alive, I weaken.

But I'm always here waiting for you.

Until we meet again,

I wish you continued suffering and death.

[the-addict-inside]

Feeling a little better today the medication the doc gave me I can feel it working slowly which in itself is progress. Today I feel somewhat grateful for the position I'm in. This is a just for today program so I need to act accordingly and not let future emotions dictate how I feel today. Which tbh I'm.quite good at. Yes by good at It i mean looking at future situations impulsively thinking how I'm gonna feel to then put myself in the shit just now it's not constructive or positive at all. JUST FOR TODAY.

I watched all the avenger movies yesterday. They were great although I think Chris pratt should stick to comedy 😂🙏