the-banished-bard

[the-banished-bard]

New political strategy just dropped.

Taiwanese parliament member stole a Bill before it could get passed. 

@NFL Someone sign this man as a running back.

[the-banished-bard]

Dad Things that I am positive Bruce Wayne does:

watches random Facebook videos at top volume in the living room with no headphones

asks “Who?” after any of his kids mention a friend’s name. bonus points if that friend has been around for like ten years.

“I was talking to Wally and—“ “Who’s that.”

falls asleep watching tv but complains that he was “just resting his eyes” when someone changes the channel

“B, I’m hungry” “Hi, hungry” (classic)

asks “has your car always made that noise?” when riding in his child’s car. also frequently asks if they’ve gotten an oil change recently

calls kids by the wrong name

“Dami-Tim-Ace-JASON”

whines that he doesn’t want a cat in the house but is obsessed with Alfred the Cat and often found taking naps with her on his chest

can parallel park like a mf

tells the same stories over and over, each rendition slightly more exaggerated than the last

[the-banished-bard]

what if angels grew and shed their halos like antlers

[the-banished-bard]

DO I SEEM ANXIOUS TO YOU?

DO I SEEM BACKED INTO A CORNER?

[the-banished-bard]

this sucks so bad i need to [remembers suicide jokes only worsen my mental health] put on the best talent show this towns ever seen

[the-banished-bard]

This machine kills AI

[the-banished-bard]

Bothering the beast

[the-banished-bard]

they are each going for a different genre of music and it sounds horrendous together but they are having fun i think.

my piece for @batfam-au-zine !

[the-banished-bard]

The only thing you need to know about Tim becoming Robin is that he's the protagonist of a horse girl movie and Batman is the horse.

[the-banished-bard]

Rich pregnant socialite: So we went to this clinic and let them manipulate our genes so we're 100% sure our child won't have any disease, he will have my hair and his father eyes and so much things we did for him! And you Bruce ?

Brucie: Found em in the trash. Except Tim, he found me in the trash.

[the-banished-bard]

Honestly I think it’s so funny that in the Marvel universe, when someone’s really smart, they have like eight to twelve doctorates and they finished high school at age twelve.

And then over in the DC universe it’s like. This is Tim Drake. He’s a genius. He keeps cloning his loved ones. He dropped out of highschool. Over there is Barry Allen. He can reverse engineer a spaceship in less than a minute. He is such a good chemist he’s still going to be known as the best chemist in 4,000 years. He has a bachelor’s degree.

[the-banished-bard]

My drug of choice? Any of the bats/birds saying “help” at a normal volume and their designated super is suddenly there

Mmmmmm

[the-banished-bard]

[the-banished-bard]

"you're not man enough, not feminine enough"

so gender is something we can fail?

that means gender is not genetic and absolute and unchangeable

but something we can build and perform, and fail at (the standards they set) but also redefine?

if i can fail at being a woman, does that mean i'm not a woman? so does that make me another gender?

[the-banished-bard]

kink at pride is easy af to explain to kids, idk what yall are talking about. "mommy, why is that mostly-naked man wearing leather?" because lots of gay men think it looks nice. "why is that guy on a leash with a mask?" hes playing pretend. "why does she have a whip?" she thinks its fun. you know how you like to play with water guns? its like that but only for grown-ups, and she wont play with anyone who doesnt want to play with her so we're all totally safe

if your 6yo's next question is "is that a sex thing?", thats fucking wild and a completely different problem. for you. not really an "Us Problem" collectively for all pride-goers, tbh. something's going on there thats hard to call the dominatrix's fault

[the-banished-bard]

the horror fandom is dying share if you’re a true whore

[the-banished-bard]

Ladies and gentlemen...we got em